jaylinmylove

Happy Birthday Jaylin.....4 Years Old!!!

2011-04-07T19:23:00.000-07:00

Well, 4 years later, today is her birthday and I must say I can't believe I would've had a 4 year old!!! Hard to believe, but even harder to believe thats its been 4 years since that day she was born. Honestly, this year feels like the very beginning of everything. It feels like when everything first happened. The last 3 years seem like such a blur when trying to remember how I got through her birthday and angel anniversary date. Over the last couple days I think I have experienced every emotion I distinctly remember feeling 4 years ago today. Yesterday though, was a lot harder. Including crying in the car on the way to work and actually being happy that work was distracting enough that I was not able to be dragged into that place. I woke up this morning with a sense of peacefulness about the day and just ok enough to wish my little girl a Happy Birthday. Today I have also thought alot abot mothers who right at this same moment, may be in the hospital delivering babies way too soon just as I did on that day. The feelings I experienced, unfortunately, many mothers are experiencing. Joy mixed with excitement, anxiety, fear and uncertainty. Happy Birthday my special girl! Jaylin, today you would have been 4 years old, there is not a day that goes buy that I don't actually sit and wonder what it would have been like to have you here. There is and will always be a piece of my heart that is missing for you. Years later, I understand that things have to be the way they are, but still do not understand why. I still remember this day 4 years ago, the first time I saw you, feeling so happy that you were born but yet so afraid that you would not make it. I remember as I said my very first words to you, you moved as you knew my voice and felt my heart beating near yours. The touch of your hand wrapped around my finger, still shadows my hand to this day. The smell of you blanket, the strength you had to survive for as long as you did. SO many memories that I wish to hold on to for the rest of my life, so much tme has past yet not enough time to erase the brokeness of my heart from not being able to hold you and sing to you for your birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY LOVE!!! Hoping that you are watching over me and continuing to give me strength to wake up every morning and continue to smile and live without you.

October 15th

2010-10-14T16:40:00.000-07:00

Its been too long since I have took some time to visit my blog and write. Part of me has been terrified because writing is when I actually have to visit my feelings and allow them to resurface from whatever place, which is a little hard still. Lets see, its been 3 years, 6 months and 5 days since Jaylin has been gone and yet lately it seems like the pain of it all is slowly creeping from out up under my comfort Zone. Jordan is now 19 months and thriving. He is such a joy and such a handful. There are no words to explain the love I feel for him,

Tomorrow October15th National Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day and thinking of everything I've gone through, I say to myself, how did I really get through the last 3 1/2 years. Remembering Jaylin makes me sad still and I'm a little afraid to allow myself to visit the issue because I don't want to go back into that deep dark place. My beautiful little girl. Remembering how precious she was and wishing that everything could have been different but the reality of it all is that things happened the way they were meant to happen. Knowing still that there was nothing I could do to change the situation and have her here. I still look dawn at the scar from my c section which is also a constatnt reminder of what happened. A scar that is forever a part of me as she is. Physically of course she's not here, spiritually I believe she is everywhere around me but if only I could feel her, touch her, see her open her eyes and look directly at mine.

I guess I look at a brighter side that brought my beautiful little boy here. He showed up exactly 2 years after she left and more than likely if she were here, he probably wouldn't be. I look at him and often wonder would she have looked like him or try and compare the two of them and what it would like to have them both here, and honestly thats the way I would rather have it. That emptines is still there, like something or someone is missing. Often think about another baby, definately a little girl and wondering will that void ever be filled with another little girl one day, but at the same time scared that void will always be there and my heart will always feel a little empty inside.

Jaylin my love, mommy still loves and misses you so much. It still hurts me every time I think about what happened and how you were taken before I even got the chance to see your eyes or hear you cry. You came into this world too soon and just as quick as you came, two days later you were gone. No mother should every have to watch her baby die and the rememberance of that day still haunts my thought and dreams as if it were yesterday. Still I question why did you have to leave so soon, why couldnt you be here with me. I am however grateful for the 2nd chance to get to love again with another baby and the love I feel for him is doubled by the love I feel for you and the pain of loosing you draws the love for Jordan even higher.

So today Jaylin, I remember you and say that I will always remember the 22 weeks, 3 days inside of me you grew and then the 3 days you were here physically and allowed me to feel for the first time, MOTHERHOOD! I love you angel, Rest In peace!!!

Hello!

2010-03-08T15:55:00.001-08:00

There's so much to say. Its been a while since posting last. Jordan is getting so big and will be 1 years old on Friday 3-12. I can't believe it's been a year since he was born. It has made me miss Jaylin so much more. Seeing him grow and development just reminds me of everything I missed with her. Mommy still misses you so much angel.

Missing Jaylin

2009-06-17T09:45:00.000-07:00

I miss you so much Jaylin. I'm not sure why today or why so much lately. I can't believe it's been 2 years since we said goodbye to you and yet I can still remember it like yesterday watching you struggle to survive and finally having to leave that NICU room. Why couldn't you just have made it. Why did I my cervix have to give way at 22 weeks. I just wish I could have both you and Jordan here with me. He is absolutely beautiful and I know he looks a lot like you. I hope one day I can have another little girl as I know she will never replace you, but mommy's heart still hurts for you and I hope one day I can think of you without feeling so sad.

A New Leaf!

2009-06-16T09:00:00.001-07:00

It's been a little while since I have been here. I guess I can say I have been busy. So much times has gone by and yet I still miss you so much. I first want to thank you for sending your little brother to me and daddy. He is 3 months old now and absolutely beautiful. I look at him and just stare at the amazement that is he. I also look at him and its bittersweet as I think about you and knowing this is what I missed out on with you.

I won't say I wish I can change what happen anymore. If I had not had you and had you not went to heaven, I wouldn't have Jordan. I now know that things were meant to be the way they are. He was the one who was meant to be here with mommy and daddy. I stare at him and can't believe everything we went through to get him here. It's funny, because once he came, I still felt that emptiness that is you. Even now today, I still miss you and wish you were here. I think about if you had lived, I would have a 2 year old and a newborn. Oh how busy would I be.

Now that Jordan is 3 months old, I can think about is having a little girl. Most people don't dare think about having another baby so soon, and I'm not saying that is what I want today, but I want a little girl because I want a daughter and also because I lost my little girl.

Jaylin mommy still misses you so much and wonder if you would have looked like Jordan does. He looks a lot like me when I was his age but also looks a lot like daddy. The pain that once corrupted my heart 100% now still exists only in part. It has mainly been replaced by the joy of being a mother to my beautiful son that is your brother. Thank you my love. I will miss you forever.

Love Always,
Mommy

Happy Birthday Jaylin!!!

2009-04-07T09:00:00.000-07:00

You would be 2 years old. Mommy can't believe it's also been 2 years since I said goodbye to you. I miss you so much Jaylin and wish you were here. I know things have to be the way they are and am so thankful that I got to spend 3 days with you. I also want to thank you for sending me your baby brother. His name is Jordan Emory and he is beautiful. I am so in love with him and am so happy that he arrived safe and sound.

Time has gone by so much and I am in a different place with my pain. I still ache for you today as I think about the things you would be doing, but know that you are in heaven and in a better place.

I love you Jaylin and Happy birthday baby girl.

Love always,
Mommy

A NEW BEGINNING!!!

2008-12-11T05:29:00.000-08:00

I have prolonged this post for so long, now it is finally time to bite the bullet and post it. Today WHERE DO I BEGIN? I am currently 23 weeks pregnant with my second child. It's been so long since I last posted a blog and I thought I should finally announce it to my blog readers just in case someone was interested. I discovered I was pregnant on Sept. 16, 2008 after a routine office visit on Sept. 11, 2008 for my yearly pap smear. I expressed my concerned to the dr about AF not coming since July 2, 2008 after it had been regular for so long.

I wasn't that concerned about it not coming as with my PCOS I am very irregular. I was sent to the lab for bloodwork just to run some test. I got the call a week later and immediately started shaking in disbelief. Holy Shhhhht, could this be true. I immediately called my husband from work who did not believe me. I closed my eyes and thanked God for this miracle I still don't believe. For some reason at that time, I thought "this can't be true".

Fast forward to my first prenatal visit and the calculations of my due date. April 9, 2009(what) for all of you who don't remember, April 9, 2009 is the day Jaylin passed away. That means this baby will be due on the 2 year anniversary of her death. I nearly fell off my chair with this news. This calculation was based on the date of my last menstrual period of 07/02/08 which I thought for sure were incorrect because that would put me at about 3 months.

My dr then scheduled an ultrasound for the following week. There was no way I could wait that long. This was on a Friday. That night my husband and I went to the Er. I just had to get an ultrasound stat to see where we were. Blood was taken and my hcg results were back 52, 865 WOW. I was wheeled in for an ultrasound and I was not prepared for what I saw on the screen. There he was, oh so beautiful and an actual baby. Moving and jumping around, I felt my heart completely stop. 12 weeks and 3 days exactly.

I prolonged posting this as I wanted to make it to the gestational age where Jaylin was born. 1 week later at 23 weeks I am so proud and so blessed to have made it this far and have no doubt that this baby will be born healthy and strong. I had my cervical cerclage done on Oct. 7, 2008 at 14 weeks and things have been going well. I see my regular OB who is great and a Perinatalogist every 4 weeks to check the baby's growth and my cervical length which was 4.9 cm on 11/24/08.

His name is Jordan Emory Thompson and I am so in love with him. on 11/24 he weighed 14oz and is going to be a big boy. I still can't believe that I was pregnant for 3 months and didn't even know it. I can't believe I got pregnant on my own. Me, not me I never thought this would be, but know that God works when he works. When I think about him and everything I have overcome to get to this point, I start to cry and am completely overwhelmed with joy. I see him here. I see me holding him and staring at him with amazement.

Thank God. Thank you so much for giving me the strength to get through the pain and tears that led me to this joyous moment. Thank you for another week with Jordan and for keeping him safe. Thank you most of all to Jaylin my love. I know this was all your doing along with God. You too worked it out and sent Jordan to Mommy and Daddy to heal our broken hearts. Jaylin my love, Mommy still misses you so much and can't believe I will be celebrating your birthday and remembering your passing with Jordan hear to dry my tears and remember that you are watching. My heart no longers hearts with pain, but is now separated with such joy and such peace that I finally accept and understand that this was always the plan. I will never know exactly why you came and left for such a short time, but understand that if you had not, Jordan would not be coming.

Thank you Jaylin and know that you will always be my first born, my beautiful little girl. I think of you and I smile and the lessons you taught me and continue to teach me with each day.

Feeling

2008-08-24T18:32:00.000-07:00

I'm just feeling like everything is against me. Is it really too much to ask to just be happy? I am just trying to remember what that feels like and at what point in my life could I remember being happy. I can't also remember what it feels like to not be in constant emotional pain. Seems like emotionally I have always been unhappy and I don't think anyone really knows it. I have constantly been asked on occasion, "whats wrong" "Is everything ok" they say your face never lies and it shows what your heart is feeling.

I don't know how to apologize for this. I sometimes feel like it is unfair to those who have to be around me. I can honestly think it started from feeling isolated due to infertility. In my community being a minority african american women, there aren't many others who are in my situation who are young, married and actually trying to get pregnant and have a family. I mostly come across girls and women who get pregnant accidentally, many women who find themselves pregnant and have abortions, or women who use birth control hoping and praying to never have children.

Being surrounded in this environment isolates me in my feeling of depressed, grief and anger. Who can I talk to, who can I relate to. I have not been able to find support groups in my community where I can go talk about my feeling and talk through what I am going through. The pain sometimes consumes me. Now just not infertility, but also the pain of loosing my first child, and sometimes feels like the only child I will ever have.

Feeling like the pain will never go away and I will never be happy again. What can I do? Who do I turn to...

Pain: Infertility, Loss & More Infertility...

2008-08-13T18:40:00.001-07:00

The definition of pain. Physical, emotional, mental pain. There is no definition to describe the pain of loosing a child. I can't even begin to understand how it is that I am sitting here typing this when I am in so much pain. It started with the pain of infertility. The pain of infertility is great that it is one that you will never soon forget. I thought it was permanently gone from me, but as I sit her still dealing with the pain of loss, I am dealing with the pain of loss and infertility.

How do I combine the two. As I attempted to allow them both to be as they are, I find myself nearly in a state of depression. I try to wake up, not think about it and go about each day, but honestly it's a lie. How could I possibly think that I could block out what my mind is thinking when my heart is feeling the exact same thing.

I'm trying. Trying to remember that things will be better, but do I really believe that? I pray...Constantly to not allow myself to complete go back to that place, but the truth is, I'm there. I don't want to be though. I want to be happy. As far back as I could remember I have always wanted to be happy, but why must the things I want to make me happy, be so hard to come by.

Hopefully, one day soon I could atleast be on my way. I just wish I didn't have to allow myself to be back dealing with infertility yet again, when I have successfully been out of this place. SO is this considered secondary infertility, but no...because secondary infertility is when you have had a successful pregnancy and having trouble conceiving the 2nd time around. SO what do you call it when you spent almost 5 years having trouble conceiving, get pregnant with treatment, loose your baby after a perfect pregnancy due to pre term labor and IC, then have more trouble conceiving for 4 more months, get pregnant again with treatment, have a chemical pregnancy, do treatments again that dont work and sit here 8 months later and still have trouble. I just call it THE PAIN OF INFERTILITY LOSS AND MORE INFERTILITY

Back At That Place...

2008-08-11T17:58:00.000-07:00

So many days has passed since you were here with me. I can't believe its been 1 year 4 months and 4 days since you were born into this world too soon. As I sit here and still can't believe the things that go through my mind. It seems like everybody is in a different place and has moved on, so many have gotten pregnant and given birth to beautiful healthy babies and I find myself back at that place.

I am now back at the same place I was in before you were ever born. Before I got pregnant with Jaylin, I was in the place of No Hope. I couldn't see the possibility of ever getting pregnant and having a baby. Trying and trying so hard on my own, and nothing. Fighting PCOS with infertility and hoping that God would grant me a miracle and allow me to get pregnant.

Almost 5 years after trying and with the help of a wonderful RE and infertility treatments I finally got pregnant. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted from me and I was on my way to being happy. During those past couple years of trying, I found myself battling depression and unhappiness. Putting on a face became routine and many did not know of my pain.

Now after loosing my daughter and being back at that place of battling infertility with PCOS and now combined with the loss of the beautiful little girl. The pain has greaten as I sit here struggling yet again and know that I cannot go back to my RE anytime soon as the financial struggle of paying for infertility treatments is too much right now.

It only puts me back at the place to say, why should that even be something of concern. To have to save money to pay for infertility treatment to get pregnant, when thats what I as a woman was born to do and when so many women do it naturally every single day, I have to have money to pay to help me conceive.

I am back at that place of loneliness, heartache, sadness, grief and anger. I will pray though. Pray that my heart will not remain heavy. Pray that I will smile again. Pray that the day will come that I will get pregnant and give birth to a healthy baby.

Through It...

2008-07-03T19:35:00.000-07:00

Jaylin my love, I miss you so much. I can't believe so much time has gone by and yet I still cry when I think about you. Maybe it's because I have not really moved forward. Maybe its because I still long to feel you near me. I just wish I could turn back the hands of time and not feel the pain I feel in my heart.

This week I looked up at the calender and realized that I would be due to give birth this week to my 2nd child. October 30th 2007 I got BFP after more fertility treatments, I couldnt believe I was pregnant again. Then just two days later on Nov. 1st 2007 It all ended, chemical pregnancy (what)Now looking at the calender and remembering that it would be this week that a healthy baby should be here yet again, and yet again I sit here empty handed and empty hearted.

I can't believe how much I miss you, but I'm getting through it. I try and try and try to continue to get up everyday and remember its a new day and God has something great in my future, but the truth is, I am not sure what I believe anymore. I would like to believe that I will have a baby one day, but the truth is I am just not sure.

I have faith that God will bless us, and maybe this is just a test of my faith. But hasnt my faith been tested. It was tested during the 4 years we tried unsuccessfully. It continued to be tested during all the infertility testing, during the shots, the ultrasounds, the bloodwork and disppointments. Even after the first BFP(finally after 5 years), hearing Jaylins heartbea for the first time. Seeing her on the ultrasound machine. Finding out she was a girl, then seeing her in the NICU fighting for life. Watching her take her last breath, Even then I had faith.

Now I sit here 1 year and almost 3 months after she has been gone and 8 months after the 2nd loss and still try my best to have faith, that yet again God will bless me with another BFP. But I am getting through it. Trying my best everyday and thanking God for the love and support of my husband.

"The only way to get through it, is to get through it"

Just One Of Those Days!!!!!!

2008-06-07T16:25:00.000-07:00

Today it is offically 1 year & 2 months since you were born. I miss you so much Jaylin and eventhough time has passed and I continue to move forward, I can't believe how much it still hurts that you are not here with me. I really did not think that by this time a year later, I would be here sitting still not even close to being pregnant again.

I am trying to remain hopeful and know that God has a plan for me, but sometimes I just feel so fustrated and angry. I mean when will I honestly be happy again. I am not asking to win the lottery, though it seems I might have to in order to be able to afford fertility treatments. All I want is to have a living, breathing healthy baby.

I saw a rainbow today which meant you were sending me a big hug and reminder that everything will be ok ONE DAY.

Feeling Down

2008-05-16T14:59:00.000-07:00

I sit here and feel such pain as I think about the reality of today. Its been 1 year, 1 month and 5 days since Jaylin has been gone and I still sit here with an empty womb. I sometimes wonder am I being punished for something. We were supposed to start the IUI treatment in March, but doing my appointment, the nurse discovered a cyst on my left ovary.

I could not be given medication or anything to help me conceive during March, and was told I could use an OPK at home, but due to my PCOS I probably won't ovulate anyway. WTF?????? I just don't understand sometmes. It seems like 2 out of 3 dr appts are always filled with sadness, disappontmet, anger and fustration. How many times must I leave the dr office crying because of what they have just told me?

I'm asking for strength. To remain sane, to remain hopefull and to continue to struggle through this journey. I know things are not supposed to be easy all the time, but are they supposed to be hard all time? It seems like everyone around me is either pregnant or have given birth to healthy babies. My cyber friends are great and have really been there for me, I feel so left out from them though.

Most of them are either pregnant, or just recently given birth to babies after having lost one. I know it is a bittersweet time for them, but the time for me is all bitter. I often wonder if God's plan is for Jaylin to be my only child. If I'm meant to have children. Would God honestly give someone a desire so strong to want a child, but not actually give them the opportunity to have them. I pray that the day will come one day soon where I am pregnant again, and the pain that fills my heart will lessen and I can really be happy again.

Mother's Day 1 Year Later...

2008-05-09T21:16:00.000-07:00

This sunday will be the 2nd Mother's Day since Jaylin has been gone. Last year it was 1 month and 4 days after she died that I had to deal with the reality of this day. I remember crying most of the day and wishing everyone would stop sending me text messages wishing me a happy day that was only a reminder that I was a Mother, but to a child that was not here.

May 13th 2007 was the date. It was also the day I got my first AF after coming home from the hospital, another reminder that my womb was now empty. Now as I approach this day 1 year later, it feels the same although different. I now welcome the wishes for a Happy Mother's Day for now 1 year later, I am at peace. I know yes I am a mother, just that my child is in heaven.

Yes I am jealous of other women who have children to celebrate with. Yes I wish I could atleast expereince this Mother's Day pregnant and expecting a child, but I sit and grieve on this Mother's Day for the one I lost with no others to share it with.

I really expected to be pregnant again by this time, but as I see it is not a part of God's plan and I am not sure what his plan is, but I pray that its for me to become pregnant again and hopefully to celebrate next year on Mothers day with a living child.

Jaylin My Love, I am sending you a Happy Mother's Day greeting from earth to Heaven
I thank you angel for giving me the chance to experience this Day with great Pain and at this time great peace. Though my heart is aching to experience this day with you, I know on this day in heaven you will think of me and hold my hand as I get through this day without you.

I know I will hear the whisper of your voice just when I feel my heart is too heavy and the pain is far too great. As this day is celebrated for Mothers with earthly children, I will remember that I too am included on Mother's Day, for yes I am a Mother, a Mother to an angel in Heaven.

Love you much,
Mommy

1 Year Later.....

2008-04-09T07:09:00.000-07:00

Sitting here 1 year later thinking about the pain I feel today and how it all began. I have thought about this day for so long. Envisioned what it would be like once I made it to this point. I woke up this morning and immediately remembered how I got here. This past year has taught me so much, yet has taken so much away from me. At exactly 10:27 a.m. is when you took your last breath and no longer was here with me physically, at that same moment is when our hearts joined together again.

As long as I live, I will never forget this day. The day my world changed forever. Jaylin mommy misses you so much and it still hurts terribly to think of how you are not here with me. I get so jealous to see other little girls and just oh how I wish I could have you here with me. I continue to remain hopeful that the day will come when we will see each other again. I know there was nothing that I could have done to change what happened, and I have replayed this day over and over and oer again, but it continues to end the same.

People will say "oh things will get better" "you'll be ok" "things happen for a reason" well its easy for someone to say when they have never experienced loosing a child. They compare it to loosing a parent, or a sibling or even a pet. Not to say that loosing any loved one is not hard....But this is how I see it. LOOSING A PET IS HARD, LOOSING A SIBLING IS TRAGIC, LOOSING A PARENT IS THE INEVITABLE, BUT LOOSING A CHILD IS UNATURAL.

As I continue to sit here and reflect on how my life has changed so much this past year, I thank you. Forever wil you be my first child, my first unconditional love. Jaylin, no matter how many years shall pass, how many children I shall give birth to, there will never be another one who shares my heart the way you do. For you are very special, which is why God chose you to come forth to only be with me for a short time and return to him to know what it was like to be an angel, to know what it is like to be loved oh so much by so many people.

You have changed my life in ways no one could ever understand. I take is as my responsibility to parent your memory. For parents with children, the get to parent them everyday, celebrate birthdays, create wonderful memories, but I never had that chance. I was given only the memories of carrying you and seeing and touching you for 3 days and for that I am forever grateful.

Bittersweet is what it is today. As I feel myself getting sad and wanting to shed a tear, I remember that you are here holding my hand, telling me is gonna be ok that Someday we'll be together again. The soul I had before you were born is gone forever. I now carry a new soul. One thats connected to you forever. I pray for strength, I pray for continued Faith that one day soon God will ease my pain of loosing you by blessing me with another child.

Though I am hopeful. Hopeful that I will carry another child to term and they will be born healthy and alive. One that will carry your spirit and they will know that they came forth because of you. Thank you my love for blessing my life with your gift of love, thank you for showing me what unconditional love really is. Thank you for bringing Daddy and me closer than we've ever been. Thank you for allowing my heart to be reborn again 1 year later on this day you went to heaven and became my angel.

Happy Birthday Jaylin!

2008-04-07T04:36:00.000-07:00

Happy birthday my angel. I can't believe it's been a year that you were born. At this time last year I was still in recovery fromt the surgery. I remember the events that led to this day. Bleeding sent me to the hospital and being told I was 3.4 cm dialted and you were on your way. You were so active and moving and there was no way you wouldn't be ok.

Little did I know that God had a different plan for you. You made your entrance into this world at 6:05 a.m. this morning and it couldn't have been more bittersweet. At this particular time, I had not wrapped it around my mind that you would indeed pass away just two days later, but yet felt like any other mother on the day they give birth. I wish I could have been awake when you were born. To see you when they first took you from my womb and see you take your first breath. I often wonder what your first moments were like.

1 year later I still miss and grieve for you terribly. My heart continues to feel something missing. As Daddy and I celebrate your birthday today I want you to know that we love you very much and think about you all the time. As we struggle with trying to continue our attempt at becoming parents again, it pains me that I had the opportunity with you and it was taken away from me.

On this day Jaylin, we celebrate your life. I wonder the things you would be doing today. We would have a party with cake and icecream. To see you smile and light up as we gather to wish you a happy birthday. Instead we must celebrate with only a memory and a wish that you could have been here to see it. I pray for strength to get through this day with a smile on my face knowing that you are in heaven celebrating with us and thinking of us, sending us peace that you are in a better place and are doing ok.

Love,
Mommy

Happy Easter My Angel

2008-03-21T07:40:00.000-07:00

It's Good Friday. Not so good for me though. It's basically a reminder that this sunday is Easter. Last year on this day I was in the hospital 1 day after giving birth to my beautiful little girl. This day I was oh so hopeful that you would survive and be here with me to celebrate this day, but instead I mark the 1 year anniversary of the memory of the days that lead me to start this blog.

Jaylin my love I miss you oh so much. I remember last year I brought you a Easter basket. Its beautiful Jaylin. It's a pink and purple basket with beautiful lace around it. I have pink grass to fill it with and couldn't wait to color eggs for you. I never got decorate it or color eggs for you but I know you would have loved it.

This year I pulled out that same beautiful Easter basket and today, I plan on decorating it with that beautiful pink grass and will color those egss for you and will bring it to grandma's house on Sunday, and I know you will be watching as we hide the eggs and you will be right there with your cousings and family as we enjoy the holiday and try and find all the eggs.

This Easter I will remember you my beautiful little angel, and know that though you are not here physically and the pain I feel is real, I am happy knowing that you are with God, watching over Mommy and Daddy as we continue to move through each and everyday without you, but knowing you will forever be in our hearts.

11 Months, ALmost!

2008-03-03T07:12:00.000-08:00

Not a good day. I am feeling really down and in the pit today. Its almost been 11 months since Jaylin has been gone and all I can think about is how unfair it feels. Yesterday we went to ou neighbors daughters 1st birthday party. It was a very nice party, however I couldn't stop thinking about the things I missed out of with Jaylin. She was born just a month before Jaylin was and just looking around at all the little children there similar in age, just broke my heart. I really wish I could share in the joy of experiencing her first birthday and she was here.

Next month is her birthday and it's really important to me to do something special in memory of her. I really want to do the birthday part with a cake and balloon release at one of our local parks. I am just trying to see how we will pull it all together in the middle of getting ready to start fertility tretments and thats going to be about $3000, so I am trying to figure out how to fit both things into the next couple weeks.

Really hoping that today gets better, but right now I am really in the pit. I miss Jaylin so much today and the pain of her not being here is heavy on my heart. The one year mark is coming so soon and I am afraid that all the emotional trauma I went through when everything first happened, is going to resurface and put me back into the place I was before.

the other day I was rethinking the day she died in the hospital and thought about the moment I had to go the NICU to say goodbye to her, and I collapsed. I remember that being the moment I felt my soul leave my body. It took 6-7 months for it return, and now I feel my soul leaving my body again and it really really hurts..

So Excited!

2008-02-19T11:58:00.000-08:00

I'm so excited to be at this time of year. I have been waiting for two and a half months to get to this point where we can ttc again with help. My dr visit went pretty good I guess. We didn't get the word we thought we would that IVF would be our only hope, so I am glad about that. We were told that we will be doing IUI which in no way financially compares to Ivf. we including the dr is very optomistic that it will work based on my previous treatment.

The dr reassured me that the chemical pregnancy in October had nothing to do with my body not responding to treatment in November. Right now I am waiting for AF to arrive to start the IUI process. I will be doing daily injections of FSH on days 3-7 and then on day 9 I believe, I will have an ultraound to check follicle growth, whcih is normally the hurdle to cross for us. Then if everything goes according to plan, I will have my hcg trigger shot on the day my follicles are at their appropriate size and then the next TWO mornings following will be the inseminations. The insemination itself cost $474 and ultrasounds are $289 not really sure how much it will be for the injections, but the nurse assured me that she will order the cheapest one.

All in all we will most likely spend about $3000 which is no surprise. I spent $3500 when I conceived Jaylin and couldn't hav been more happy. So AF is due 2/24/08 and the dr advised if she is not here by the 26th to call and come in for bloodwork to see whats going on and the possibility of starting prometrium to bring her own. So I am actually counting down the days.

I also have been doing a lot of thinking about Jaylin's 1st birthday in April and trying to figure out how I want to celebrate. Her birthday falls on a Monday and at first I thought about not going to work, and at first I was not going to do anything special but now that I think about it, why not. Everyone who has living children celebrate their birthdays and get to celebrate with them here on earth and are able to show and express to them how much they love them daily, but I was only given 3 days with my daughter to do so, so instead I will celebrate that she would have been 1 years old and wish her a happy birthday. I have decided that I prefer to be at work that day and will celebrate the Saturday following with a llittle get together with family and friends, have cake and icecrean and a balloon release. I will ask everyone to bring a toy appropriate for a 1 year old that we will donate to charity in remembrance of Jaylin.

I miss her terribly and can't believe I am so close to a year that she was born. I am trying not to think about April 9th as I will always remember it as the day my world was forver changed. The day my soul left my body and did not return for quite a while. I am a litle nervous and have been thinking about paying my counselor a visit. I am afraid that the anniversary will put me back into the pit again and relive everything and I really want to be in a happy place for Jaylin. I would love, love, love to be pregnant by this time as this will only add to the blessings of her birthday. I am forever grateful and thankful that God allowed such a precious child to be a part of my life and I will carry her with me forever.

Feelings

2008-02-08T17:31:00.000-08:00

Why do I continue to feel so left out. It seems like everyone around me is pregnant and experiencing the joy of carrying another child. I just want to be part of the group. I found an amazing group of women whom I share the same pain.

Most of them are pregnant again and the sun is beginning to shine again. I just want the storm to be over for me as well. I remain in faith and hope that my time is approaching soon and I continue to believe that GOD does indeed have a plan for me.

10 months ago tomorrow, my beautiful little girl passed away. Oh how the time flies by. It seems like she almost never even existed. I mean I know she was hear, but all kind of feels like a dream. Jaylin continues to be the last thought of my day before I go to sleep.

No matter how tired I am, when I lay down at night, I think of her. I miss her oh so much. The joy mothers must feel to give birth to a child they see and comfort everyday. I feel that same joy to my child, except she is not here. I know GOD has her in his arms and is keeping her safe. I just wish I could hold her near me as well. I feel her though. When my heart gets heavy and the pain is just too much to bear, I feel her. I know she is watching me and she is softly saying to me "Mommy I am here"

I can say that I feel that this year everything will fall into place. I know things are going to be better for me.

Still...

2008-01-24T08:45:00.000-08:00

I cried myself to sleep last night...
I am not sure why lately the days have been so hard. I think about you every night.
Your my last thought of the day when I lay my head down on my pillow.
They say time heals wounds, but Jaylin lately it seems that time is reopening my wounds.

It's been almost 10 months and I still can't sleep.
I can't believe I still can't sleep as I think about all the things we will never get to do together.
I lay awake at night, every night thinking about you and replaying everything that happened,
hoping that it will change the outcome somehow.

I still think about the day in hospital that you were born, and my first sight of you.
Oh how beautiful you were. I mean I know all mothers say their babies are beautiful, but
My beautiful little girl, you were.
I still think about the day I had to say goodbye to you. Thinking about it every single night still
after 10 months, as if I will wake up in the morning, and it will all be a dream..

I still cry myself to sleep many many nights, because the realization of you not being here is one I still can't believe.
I still feel myself falling. Falling into a million pieces when I think about what you would be like
had you still been here with me.

I still get angry at the thought that I won't get to spend a lifetime with you, but only got to spend three days with you here on earth.
I still remember and cherish the 22 weeks, 6 days that I carried you and just wish oh wish that I could have just that time back again.

My heart still breaks when I look at your pictures, just to know that I once gave birth to something so beautiful that is not here for all to see.
My arms still ache to hold and rock you, to sing to you and feel you close to me

My faith still remains that one day we will get to be together soon, as I often say it to myself.
The song "Someday We'll Be Together" by Diana Ross, plays over and over in my mind as I think about you and can't wait for the day that we will be together again and that day is when my heart will become whole again.

Fustrated but Having Hope!

2008-01-22T10:24:00.000-08:00

I guess it's just one of those days. I miss Jaylin so much right now. I am just sad that she is not hear and will never be. I wonder sometimes when will I stop missing her so much, or when will the pain stop cutting like a knife in my heart.

Fustrated at the Fact that I have no control over what happens to my body. I am getting excited about going to the dr in a couple weeks, but fustrated that I am still going through infertility after being a pregnant and ALMOST making it to full term.

I still have hope that it will happen, and that day will come when I finally get to hold a beautiful baby in my arms to love for the rest of my life

9 Months: A Time Frame of Loss!

2008-01-09T12:24:00.001-08:00

Usually, 9 months represents the time frame of which God chose women to be pregnant and grow healthy babies. 9 months represents the time frame of carrying a child and giving birth. From the moment we find out we are pregnant we hope, wish for a safe and happy 9 months. This is a time frame that normally is filled with the expectations of knowing that we will then meet the little one whom we have been anxiously awaiting.

Today though is different. Today I woke up to 9 months. Today for me 9 months represents the time that my daughter has been gone. 9 months ago today Jaylin passed away. My beautiful little girl has been gone for the same amount of time I should have carried her. Instead I carried her for 5 1/2 months and it was too soon. I never got to carry her for 9 months, but today I remember and reflect on the 9 months since she has been in heaven.

9 Months Since you have been gone my little Angel

Forever I have been changed by your love
Forver I will know you are in Heaven and now my angel up above
Remembering that today is the day my spirit became silent and brief
Realizing that I must live with the pain, live the sorrow and acknowledge the grief

Jaylin my love, Mommy still longs to hold you near
I still cry and weep with the sadness that you cannot physically be here
Understanding that it is He, God who chose you my little angel to Fly free
But knowing that forever my beautiful little girl you are, Forever my child you will be

On this day, I remember the memories we shared, and things I always will
I will always hold you near to my heart, along with the wanting time to stand still
9 month ago today, we said our goodbye and I let you go in peace
But goodbye did not mean forever because in heaven is where we will meet. (Again)

Going Into A New Year...To Jaylin

2007-12-31T12:53:00.000-08:00

Today as 2007 comes to a close and we welcome a new year, I feel sad. It's like I am saying goodbye to you all over again. I can't believe it's been almost 9 months that you have been gone. I still ache to hold you, my beautiful little girl, and my heart still hurts from the pain of you leaving. I have finally put your pictures in a frame and have them out for everyone to see. I have been thinking about you so much lately and can't believe how deep the feelings of pain and grief are at this point.

As I go through the rest of this day and tomorrow brings a new year, I hope. I hope for a better 2008 then 2007 and wonder what surprises the next year will bring. Last year at this time I was 6 weeks pregnant and looking forward to the best year of my life, but things changed. I now am not sure what to look forward to for the next year. I wish to continue to take it one day at a time through my journey of getting through the rest of my life without you.

I still dream about you and in all my dreams, you are alive and doing well, and when I wake up I just want to go back to sleep forever. Sleeping brings me closer to you and I would give anything to have those moments back where you were here and I could feel you and touch you and hold you near. Instead, all I have are memories. Pictures of you that tell me you were here.

It still pains me deeply and I am afraid I will never get to experience the love we shared with another baby. I pray for strength to get through each and everyday. I pray that God will bless us again to become parents to another child, but so far, it's been so hard. I miss you Jaylin, and I know things have to be the way they are, and no matter how much I cry, no matter how much I wish, you will never be here and I must understand that you have to be where you are.

So Happy New Year, my angel, and no that I love you so much and will forever carry you with me, and I look forward to the day when we can be together again.

Love Always,
Mommy

Happy Birthday To Me!

2007-12-23T12:53:00.000-08:00

Today as I welcome my 28th birthday, I am thankful to see another year. The day started off with a beautiful card and breakfast from my husband, and I wondered. I wondered if Jaylin thought of me today. Then on the way to breakfast she sent me a sign. The most beautiful rainbow, and there it was, my sign that my beautiful little girl was in heaven and thought of me today.

I only pray that this year be filled with the joys and happiness of many wonderful things to come, and an even bigger chance to re write all the negative things I will leave behind at the age of 27. I have come to the place where I no longer think about what I should have done by now. There are many things I thought I would have accomplised and one of those is being a mother.

I really expected by this time this year that I would have a kicking and screaming baby. Instead, I sit here thinking and remembering what little time I spent with her. At first I hoped to be pregnant again by my due date, then before this year would be over, and now I hope to be pregnant by Jaylin's first birthday. But honestly, none of this matters. I just really hope to be pregnant soon and whatever soon means, it just means.

I hope it's not too long, but I have to understand that I have no control over it and there is nothing I can do but be patient and wait on the Lord. I am happy that I made it to another birthday and wish for many many more to come. But only that from here on out, the next birthday be filled with the love and happiness of being a mother.

Jaylin, I miss you!

2007-12-13T06:43:00.000-08:00

At this moment as I am sitting here, I am thinking about Jaylin. It seems no matter how much time passes by, just when I think I am doing ok and am able to really get through each and everyday without her, it hits me. It hits me that my beautiful little girl is not here and my heart is still breaking. I still wish there was something I could say or do to bring her back.

Jaylin my love, mommy still misses you.
I am trying so hard to go through each day without you.
Still praying and asking God for strength to live without you.
Knowing that my tears, and my pain only proves it true,
that you died and went to heaven and there is nothing I can do.

Still sad and in pain that you were not meant to be,
Feeling like there is something I'm not seeing, something there I can't see.
Jaylin, I want you to know I love you so much and please help me continue to be,
Continue to be strong for you, continue to be happy you were here for 3 days,
Continue to have hope that one day I will get pregnant again and will finally hold a baby in my arms.

Just Being Angry!

2007-12-06T15:57:00.000-08:00

I am just angry at so many things right now. Where do I begin to bring some happiness back into my life. Things are so crazy right now and all I want to do is just go somewhere and never come back. As my birthday and approaches in less than 2 weeks, I can't help but feel time slipping away from me. Sometimes I wish I could have three wishes in this life and have them come true.

I lost my job on yesterday. I knew one day it would catch up with me. Like before, doctors appointments and dealing with this infertility issue caused me to miss a lot of time from work and it came to the point where my employers could no longer accept it. I just hate how this affects my life so much. No one understands just how much of yourself suffers when you are dealing with infertility.

So now I find myself yet again with no job and feeling added stress. I just wish money was something I didnt have to worry about, but it is. Where do I go from here. It seems like the life I have now will make a big change soon. There are a couple things I want to do, but how can I? I want to go back to school so badly, and have discovered that I can do so online, but how can we afford to pay for it now that we only have one income.

I wish I could not worry about going to the doctor to get pregnant and just lean on the hope that it will happen on its own. I have spent too many years just praying and hoping it would happen and it never did. How can I go through the rest of my life and not deal with infertility. I had no idea that this would cause this much inconveinence in my life.

I am just angry at the fact that it seems like my life is going no where and I can't move ahead. I am just angry that there is added strss within my marriage because I now leave the major responsibility with my husband in taking care of all the bills and responsibilities and there is nothing I can contribute. I am just angry at the fact that I have chosen to stay home for awhile that way I can be flexible with my time leaving my mornings open for doctors appointments.

Who knows where this road of infertility will lead me. Will I ever be happy? Will I ever be able to move forward with my life? Will I have to one day except the fact that maybe Jaylin was my only child I would have. I pray she wasn't but who knows. No one understands just how I really feel on the inside. If people only could see my sould and see my inside emotions, someone would desparately want ot save me from myself.

On the outside I look happy. On the outside I look content, on the outside I look like I have everyting together, but on the inside I am dying. I pray everyday. I pray for God to give me the strength to make it through each and everyday. I pray to not let infertility define who I am, but truthfully it does. It defines who I am as a person, and who I am as a woman.

I am just angry at the fact that whenever I see a pregnant person, I ache inside. I am just angry at the fact that when I see babies or little children I feel sad on the inside. But no one knows this. I guess I could say I do a pretty good job of hiding it, but honestly its how I feel. I shouldn't pretend to not feel this way when I do. I am just angry at the fact that 8 months ago, I was pregnant and it was the happiest time of my life but yet I sit here with no baby.

I guess I'm just being angry at the fact that Jaylin is not here and my arms ache to hold her. I guess I am just being angry at the fact that I wish she was here laughing, playing and enjoying her first Christmas but she's not. I guess I am just being angry at the fact that I want to be pregnant again and it hurts that I have been trying and have yet to succeed. I guess I am just being angry that on the 2nd round of treatment I got pregnant and then had a chemical pregnancy. I guess I am just being angry at my body for not responding to this last round of treatment and putting me back at square one with not knowing whats going to happen next......

This Holiday Season...

2007-12-03T06:19:00.000-08:00

It's officially the holiday season and I can't help but miss Jaylin so much. I decorated the christmas tree on Saturday and Halfway through, I borke down and started crying. Everything had been going fine, then all of a sudden I started thinking "Jaylin should be here watching me decorate the tree" and I could no longer contain myself. It was a very emotional moment for me, but I allowed this moment to be what it was and allowed myself to cry and get it out.

After about 20 minutes, I was finally able to peel myself up off of the kitchen floor and continue decorating. As we move closer and closer to Christmas, it just pains me that I dont have an almost 4 month old daughter to celebrate with. I also was able to get most of my Christmas shopping done this weekend and am so happy about that. Christmas has always been my favorite holiday, and I have always enjoyed Christmas shopping for my family, especially my niece and nephews.

As I did my shopping on Saturday at Target, I inadvertantly found myself strolling by the infant section. Everyone who knows me knows how much I love Winnie The Pooh, and as I passed the section that Target has with Winnie The Pooh infant apparel, I could not stop myself from going over and admiring the Baby's 1st Christmas outfits. I showed them to my husband and we both just smiled at the thought of buying this for Jaylin.

I am so glad I was able to get through this weekend and decorate the Christmas tree which holds the beautiful ornament I have for Jaylin. I love just looking at the tree as the ornament shines through the lights on the tree. I know Jaylin loves it as well and is proud of the great job I dId. Thursday will mark 8 months since she was born and Sunday will mark 8 months that she died, I am really beginning to be "ok". The closer I get to a year of my life changing, everything seems to become more clearer to me. My birthday is in two weeks as well as Christmas, and though it pains me to face this day without my beautiful little girl, I look forward to the holiday because it still is my favorite time of year.

Its when we celebrate the birth of Christ and know that "it's the reason for the season". I look forward to the year coming to an end, as I know that God has a better plan for me for the new year of 2008 and I will pray, thank him, and have faith in him that he has my beautiful little girl there with him in heaven and she will enjoy this holiday season along with me.

Everyday Is A New Day....

2007-11-30T05:35:00.000-08:00

"Everyday is a new day" is what I often think to myself. This phrase helps me wake up each morning and know that today will be better than yesterday was. I started a gratitude journal in hopes of being able to look at myself and those closes to me and be thankful for them. In doing this, I find myself constantly being grateful for everyday.

I also realize that no matter how much time goes by, I will forever want Jaylin to be here with me. There is not a day that goes by that I dont find myself thinking about her, then take that moment and just reflect on what she meant to me and what she has brought to my life. I find it so funny everytime I say I miss her though. It's like how can I miss someone who I didn't share lots of memories with? I only knew her for the time I carried her, and the time she was born and lived. It's funny the things often feel and think of.

It just goes to show how strong the bond is between a mother and her unborn child. From the moment we discover we are pregnant, our hearts open up to something new. It opens and remains open to receive joy, love, and happiness for this new life growing inside us. I compare this to the same feelings that we have for God our father. We love him, have faith in him, believe in him and feel nothing but joy and happiness for him. But how do we feel such a thing for someone whom we cannot see and have never seen.

As with being pregnant, you can't see you unborn child, but feel them. We don't see God, but we feel him. We feel the unconditional love for our unborn child, as we do for God. The connection between us as a mothers is that as of people with God. I do believe thats what make the pain of loosing such a love so unbearable. Just imagine one day if you woke up and didn't feel the love God has for us. If you woke up one day and suddenly felt alone and in pain and had no idea what it felt like to have God in your life. The thought alone is unthinkable.

It brings me solace to know the unconditional love, joy and happiness that I feel for Jaylin is the same love, joy and happiness that I feel for God and knowing that she is in heaven with him brings a comfort to my heart that is enough to get me through the rest of my life. When the pain is arise, when the sorrow of loosing her seems to rise above me emtionally, I must remember that there is a greater lesson here. I have come to realize that "it's not the things that happen to us in our life that determine who we are", but it's "how we deal with the things that happen in our life that determine who we are". I have come to realize that bad things happen in our life to shape and make us into better people. Just think that if nothing bad ever happened to us in our lives, how would we know how to trust, love, protect and forgive. It is the bad things in our lived that shape the happiness we feel when good things happen.

We were created as people and put here in this world of sin. Being in this world comes with many many lessons to be learned. I dont believe we can go through life without pain and disappointment. But I do believe that how we deal with the pain and disappointment shows what lessons we have learned. I just wonder if the day will ever come when I will wake up and not feel the pain of loosing my baby. I wonder if the day will ever come where I wake up and not want her to be here with me. I wonder if I will ever wake up and not feel my arms ache to hold her.

"Everyday is a new day" is what I will continue to say to myself and know that with each and everyday, things will get better. I will continue to look deep within myself and know that everything happens not for a reason, but happens just as it should, as it is all apart of God's ultimate plan for our lives. Will we know why? maybe not, but we will understand why someday.

What Happens, Happens!

2007-11-29T09:03:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it's been almost 8 months since I have been pregnant and had Jaylin. It seems like only yesterday my world changed forever. Time really does fly by without you even realizing it. For many many years now I have dealt with pain and suffering through my journey of infertility, and right now on my so called "time out" from all of it, this feeling is all to familar. Every year that we would try month after month and nothing would happen, I would get fustrated and just give up and not want to try anymore. I got so tired of going through each month and no period but still trying and hoping that God would grant me a miracle.

Looking back, I had no idea when I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, that it meant I would have trouble getting pregnant. I knew it meant it caused a hormonal imbalance in my body that prevented me from ovulating, but I had no idea the magnitude of how it would affect me. I continued to try month after month just praying for a miracle. None came and eventually my hope was gone. Through it all my husband continued to remind me that "it will happen". Even going through the fertility treatments for the first time, I was not sure if I really believed it would work.

So when I discovered I was pregnant, I really couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe that after everything we had been through over the years, we were finally being blessed with our miracle baby. But something changed. What happened? Why did this blessing turn into such a trajedy? I was happy. I thanked God for allowing me the opportunity to be pregnant, so why did all of a sudden it was not meant to be anymore.

I will never forget the events that lead me to write this blog. I continue to replay them over and over in my mind, to remember. I continue to want to remember the pain, for somehow the pain keeps me close to Jaylin. There are still a million things I would do differently had I been given another chance. The events that lead me to write this blog will forever be a part of my life and so will she.

I often find myself jealous. Jealous of other pregnant women. When I see them, oh how I wish it were me. Though I am often envious of pregnant women, I am more envious and jealous of women who are able to conceive and get pregnant on their own without medical interventional. It really pains me that I can't just get pregnant on my own just by looking at my husband. We often jok about how much we love each other and wish that we could conceive our child on our own.

The pain of not being able to do this is almost too unbearable for words. Though I know there are many women who can get pregnant and continue to have multiple miscarriages. Not saying that my situation is even worse than theirs, but being able to get pregnant is by far the greatest blessing. If you can conceive on your own, then you can continue to try God forbid if something happens. But what happens when you go through fertility treatments to get pregnant after trying for so long, then loose your baby at a time during the pregnancy where you would dare expect something to happen, then find yourself back where you started with more fertility treatments to help you concieve again?

Going back to my fertility specialist the second time around brought on so many emotions for me. I couldn't believe I was back at this office where I had just been the previous year. I can't explain the feelings I had when the specialist office called me the day before to find out why I was returning to them so soon (after all the last time they say me I was 7 weeks pregnant). having to tell them what happen and hear how "sorry they were". Knowing that I would have to yet again go through more treatment after giving it a try on our own for 4 months and nothing.

What happens when after undergoing another round of treatment, and for just 24 hours I got to be happy to get a positive pregnancy test. Halloween, October 31st 2007 was another happy day for me in a long time. The digital clear blue easy home pregnancy test."Pregnant" were the words across the screen. I found myself yet again taking a sigh of relief as I couldn't believe I was finally going to be happy and feel life within my womb. It was at that moment in the bathrooom that I placed my hand on belly and said to this new life forthcoming "you have no idea how much I loved you".

This baby would be special. This baby would be the one to show me that God did not forget me. That eventhough he took away my beautiful miracle baby, he did make sure to bless me yet again with another. The emotions that overcame me, I can't seem to put into words. The hopes, the dreams, the things to do differently this time around. I accepted that ok, my lesson was learned when Jaylin died, and now it was my turn to be the mother I had always dreamed of being. Knowing that I was given another chance and yet again, I thanked God.

What happens when just the very next day at the dr office when my hcg levels were checked, and I discover that they are only 5.4 and this pregnancy will not progress. Chemical Pregnancy. What? How could this be. I had just thanked God for this new baby, just prayed and accepted that Jaylin was gone and that I could begin a new with another one. My heart yet again fell into a million pieces. For whatever reason I found myself into a category I could not understand. Most chemical pregnancies happen in first pregnancied and there was no explanation for it.

What could I do? But accept it for what it was and move on. At that moment I just said "you know what, this is bad, but if I could get through loosing Jaylin, then this is ok". On to another month of treatment. Nov. 4, 2007 is when cycle of treatment #3 started and we found ourselves back on this rollercoaster of trying to become parents.

What happens when this month, nothing happens. When the treatment I had so much faith in and helped me conceive and get pregnant twice, stops working. When my body decided to say it didn't want to work any longer and just sort of haulted. Now I found myself in the middle of a month, in the middle of a cycle of treatment that didn't work. I now have an injection of a HCG "trigger shot" sitting in the fridge that I look at every single day and will not get use. So now it sits there looking back at me. Me looking at it as it was my hope for my next pregnancy.

What happens now that the dr wants to sit down and discuss a more aggressive form of treatment. Agressive? In other words more invasive, more expensive, more demanding. What do we do? What do we do when we want to do everything remotely possible to get pregnant. What guarantees do we have that things will work out. How do we know we can afford this again. How do I know I won't loose my job due to too much time away from work for dr appointments.

What happens when my dr appt falls 2 1/2 months away and there is nothing I can do but wait. Wait to even try and attempt to get pregnant. When the rest of the world is continuing to move through their daily lives and I feel stuck. When those I know who are pregnant will continue to grow each and everyday and I pray for happy healthy babies for them, but wish the same for myself.

I know what happens. I take it one day at a time. One hour at a time, one minute at a time. I pray for God to give me the strength to continue to get through the things that have paved the way for me through my journey over the last 4 1/2 years. I look to the future and know that it holds great things for me. I hold dear the things around me i.e. my husband, family and friends. I think about Jaylin and know that she is where she is supposed to be and she was only meant to be here for the time she was and she was chosen to be my daughter to teach me lesson I continue to learn everyday.

The End of Another Year....The Beginning of Another!

2007-11-28T07:49:00.000-08:00

As my 28th birthday approaches next month, I can't help but feel it again. Here I go again with another birthday without being a mother. I really didnt expect this one to turn out this way, but then again, I am sure this is the way God has always had it planned. I should be celebrating with my daughter, but instead I will be making a birhtday wish that next years birthday be filled with the love and joy of being a parent.

The last couple birthdays have all been different. Though they all have included pain and feeling sad. Last years birthday so far was the best. I found out I was pregnant December 1st and my birthday is on December 23rd. I was 6 1/2 weeks pregnant on my birthday last year and felt great. I couldn't believe I finally had life growing inside me. That had to be the best thing about being pregnant.

Now as I remember what that birthday felt like, it makes this years birthday sad. I miss feeling my daughter move inside me, I miss knowing that everyday brought me a little closer to her being her. The year 2007 is quickly approaching an end and I wonder what unexpected things 2008 will bring. I pray for next year to bring a rainbow through this storm I have been through. I pray that next year will finally shed some light on why things have been so hard for me lately.

I know the passing of each day brings a new day. The ending of one year, marks the beginning of another. Its only after going through the rain and tha pain that I can see the sun and know exactly what it was that God was trying to show me. I thank him. For allowing me to have 22 weeks and 6 days with my daughter inside me. I thank him for allowing me to have 3 days of her being here on earth to bring such joy to my heart. As this year approaches its end, I look forward to next year bringing happiness within my heart and hope within my spirit as I once had.

Becoming Stronger!

2007-11-26T08:46:00.000-08:00

For some reason today, I found myself thinking about Jaylin's last moments. She took her last breath at 10:27 a.m. I guess because today is Monday. She died on a Monday morning and for the first couple months following, whenver it came around to Monday morning, I would remember. I remember seeing my bff and her godmoher, crying after just coming from seeing her. I think back on this day and just wished I had went back to see her after she had already died.

I would give anything to have that moment back again. Time has definately moved forward and I continue to struggle behind it. This year is coming to an end and all I can do is hope for better things for next year. Time has moved along and so has the world, but my heart continues to stay in the pain. I know everything I am experiencing right now will make me a much more stronger person, and I know I will look back at all the pain I have gone through and realize that it was all part of what God is trying to show me.

I miss Jaylin so much and am really wishing she was here. I find myself looking at her picture in my wallet a lot lately. I'm wondering is it because its the time of year where I got pregnant with her. Saturday marks the day one year ago that I found out I was pregnant with her. I will never forget going to the ER because of a pain I was feeling. Not knowing I was feeling the pain that resulted from implantation.

Oh what I wouldn't give to go back in time and start all over again relive every moment of my first pregnancy. I know God will bless us again to be pregnant and give birth to a healthy baby. I just feel so left out when I see pregnant people. I look around and see some of my closest friends with mulitple children. All whom have been born since I have been with my husband. I saw one of my good friends on yesterday and she is almost 7 months pregnant with baby number 3. I can still remember when she didn't have any children.

I try to take solace in the fact that things will work out for us when they are supposed to. I guess the hardest part is knowing that it's not suppose to work out when I want it to, but when God's wants it to. I will continue to pray and ask God for strength as this journey is still so difficult and long. I have been on it for almost 5 years now, and the minute I was halfway there, halfway through the pain and reaching happiness finally. It was taken away and my heart was broken in a million pieces. Now I have been fighting the fight to restore the hope I once had. Day by day I am getting stronger and continue to fight this battle. Only now the battle is so much more greater than it used to be. The battle started with infertility. Now the battle I face is infertility, loss and grief.

Stronger is what I actually strive to be. Stronger is what I want my next tattoo to be. Stronger is what I am becoming and what I know my end result will be once I thrived through the pain and accept the reality of what it means to be stronger.

Happy Thanksgiving Jaylin!

2007-11-23T10:42:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving Jaylin. I miss you so much my beautiful little girl. I am thankful this Thanksgiving to have been pregnant with you and carried you for 22 weeks and 6 days. I am thankful to have seen the miracle baby you were. I can't believe that I actually saw you alive and moving. Feeling you grab my hand and the touch you gave me was more than I can express in words.

You have a new little cousin who also happens to be named Jaylen, but you probable already knew that. He was born two weeks ago and I thank you for making sure he arrived safe and sound. He is the most handsome little boy I have ever seen. I held him on yesterday and kept thinking how I wish it was you I was holding. My arms still ache for you to fill them. My breast still ache to put you to them. I know its God's plan and his will for you to be with him in heaven.

I know his will was for you to not be here with me and Daddy. For reasons I may never know, I was chosen to be your mom. For reasons I may never know, you were chosen to be here on earth for just 3 days. For reasons I may never know, I was chosen to experience the pain of infertility as I try and make my dream of becoming a mother come true.

Happy Thanksgiving my angel. As I get through this holiday without you, I want you to know that there will be many holidays to come, but none that will not allow me the time to reflect on the memory of you. There will be more happy moments to come into my life I'm sure, but know that as long as I live, you will live. As long as I live, you will be remembered. Its on This Thanksgiving that I am thankful to call myself a mother to an angel in heaven.

I Love You Jaylin,
Love Mommy

Trying To Be Hopeful and Have Faith!

2007-11-21T06:37:00.000-08:00

Today,

I am feeling such peace as a few days ago, I decided to put trying to get pregnant completely out of my mind. I wont be seeing the dr again until february and there is pretty much nothing I can do in the mean time to help my chances of conceiving. Therefore, it feels so much better to just not think about it at all. Since making this decision I have slept so much better in the last couple days, not having to worry about being to the dr at a certain time, doing bloodwork, worrying about what my ultrasound will show.

What will make this journey through the next 2 and a half months sad is seeing other pregnant women and feeling so jealous that its not me. I have been there before. Year after year just yearning to feel life within my womb. Now that I have actually been pregnant, it breaks my heart. I loved every minute of feeling my daughter move inside me. Now I would give anything just to have that again. Whats also sad about it is that I don't remember anything else about being pregnant.

I wish for a miracle to happen while waiting to go to the dr. Maybe God will bless me and allow me to get pregnant on my own. I wont count on it and am not expecting it to happen. I just wish Jaylin was here to celebrate this Thanksgiving with us. I really wish she was here. I still can't believe that my beautiful little girl is gone. So precious, so gentle. She only needed love and thats the one thing I could have promised her for the rest of her life.

I hope she knows how much I loved her and wanted her to be here with me. I am finally starting to understand that this is all a part of God's plan. That no matter what you do, nothing happens until God allows it to happen. Its like eventhough I went through the treatment to get pregnant, loosing my daughter showed me that just because you get pregnant, it doesnt mean you will have a baby. Pregnancy does not always equal a baby.

I have told myself also, that if I do get blessed with another chance to have a baby, I will cherish and be oh so thankful for that rainbow baby that God has allowed to come into my life.That if for some reason that rainbow baby happens to be my only baby, I will be thankful. For whatever reason if I decide to try and get pregnant again and it doesn't work out, I will thank God for allowing me the opportunity to atleast give birth to another child.

I thank him for my angel in heaven who continues to watch over me and give me strength when I feel like I have none. I thank him for allowing me to experience what it is like to be a mother and feel the love a child brings into your life. I thank him for showing me that he is the creator of all things and I can do all things through Christ that strenghtens me.

I pray for strength to make it through this holiday season with HOPE. Hope that the next year will be filled with joy, surprises, and happiness that will come and will show me that the pain I am experiencing now was well worth it.

The Waiting Game

2007-11-20T05:36:00.000-08:00

Well, my appt was only the beginning of my feeling down. The dr has advised that my body has stopped responding to the treatment. There is no real explanaton except that it happens. We now have to sit down and come up with another plan for treatment. Something more agressive. The thing about this is that my appt is not until February. Which means 3 months of not being pregnant. I really can't believe that this is what I am going through after the year I have had.

I would completely understand this happening on my first cycle of treatment, but I have been pregnant twice, and now my body acts as if it never even happened. I dont even know how I am feel about all this. I am devistated, in pain, want to scream. How am I going to get through this time and not go crazy. It's just so unfair that I have gotten pregnant and lost my daughter halfway through my pregnancy, had a chemical pregnancy after 7 months and now needing aggressive fertility treatments to conceive #3.

I guess its time for me to focus my attention on doing something else. I need to figure out what it is that I need to do to get through this time in a positive light.

Keeping The Faith!

2007-11-19T09:16:00.000-08:00

Today back at the doctor's office for the 3rd time in one week. My follicles are still not growing. The largest one measured at 14cm on Tuesday, then the same on Friday. This morning, the largest one continues to remain at 14cm. Friday, the dr advised that now he wants to move on to treatment called "super ovulation". This consists of a higher dose of clomid and injections everyday to produce ovulation. So far my cost has been $2,995.00 I am so afraid that the cost for the next treatment will be too much for us to afford. I hope to hear from the dr today and see if possible to get a round about cost for the treatment for next cycle.

I just can't believe that I am having such a hard time getting pregnant this time around. I could have accepted this all a little better if this were my first cycle of treatment, but I am experiencing such difficulty after having been successfully pregnant for almost 6 months. Its been 7 months since Jaylin passed, and we have been actively trying for 5 months now. I guess this month, it just wasn't meant to be. I am continuing to try and remain strong and remember that this is all a part of God's plan.

Positive Insight!

2007-11-13T07:53:00.000-08:00

I pray that everyday continues to bring forth something positive within my life. As I gradually approach the age of 30 in a couple years, I am starting to feel my life changing. I want so much to be happy and now I am in the process of discovering what that means. Its funny how suddenly life begins to take on a whole new meaning. Where do I start? How do I begin? Begin to pick up the pieces of my life to help build the rest of my life.

Currently working as an Office Administrator, its the first job that I have actually had where I like it. At the same time its not fulfilling. Ever since I lost my daughter, my life seems to need more meaning to it. I take it as one of the many lessons she taught me. To be happy and follow whatever dreams I may have. My husband also has a good job and has been stable at that job for many years now, but he also finds it less fulfilling and needing something more meaningful and to his liking.

I wish I could just wake up and everything begins to fall into place. This I know will not come without hard work, determination and sacrifices. I am honestly at the point where I just want to quit my job, but the only thing currently keeping me here is the fact that financially right now I have to be here. Going through this fertility treatment process again has been very costly and my husband is not able to carry the load on his own. He needs me to help him and as his wife, its exactly what I have to do. So basically I am only working to bring in the extra money we really need right now to support ourselves.

I am thinking of my plan of moving forward and it will start once I become pregnant. My concern has always been when I do have a child, I am not to keen on putting them in daycare when maternity leave is up, so my thought is to remain home with them for awhile, maybe 6 months or so. Then start my journey then on getting my life together as far as career wise. This whole process of infertility has completely consumed my life and therefore taken on the more important role, rather than my career. Though I am glad it has happened this way. I couldn't have imagined if I had persued my career first, and put off having children til later, then my infertility issues would have been much greater.

I pray and have faith that becoming pregnant will only be the beginning of many many dreams fulfilled for me and my husband as we continue to embark on this journey of making our dreams of becoming parents come true. It will only be the first step through many more steps of happiness. I dont understand how many people can work at a job that is not satisfying to them. I personally don't see this as being happy. Going to work everyday from 9-5 working for someone else, putting all this time and energy into something that only benefits the company you work for and for what? A paycheck. Well, a paycheck can be earned almost anywhere.

I challenge everyone to fulfill their dreams, if you are working or doing something now that is not allowing you to accomplish the things you want in life, then you need to stop. I challenge everyone to find what it is that makes them happy an do whatever necessary to help them get exactly that. Its only after you have overcome obstacles, made sacrifices and most improtantly worked very hard to reach your goals, that you will be able to look at what you have done and really truly feel complete happiness.

Nervous!

2007-11-12T06:07:00.000-08:00

I'm beginning to feel nervous as I get into this week. Tomorrow is my doctors appt on CD 12 to check my follicles to see if they are ready for my HCG injection "the trigger shot". This will be my third cycle of whats called a "mini stim" which is minimal stimulation of ovulation with timed intercourse. The first try worked and I got pregnant which was exactly 1 year ago on Nov. 15th Unfortunately my pregnancy ended at 22 weeks due to pre term labor and my daughter passed away. My husband and I started trying again on our own 2 months later and I made an appt back at the fertility clinic at that time just in case we needed help again. We really hoped that we would be successfull. 4 months went by and nothing, which ended up being in August. Add that to the 4 years we were already going through and it just brings more fustration.

We found ourselves back at square one where we started a year ago in August. Fast forward to October where we yet again started another round of treatment. I was immediately confident that it would work and that we would be happy again soon. October 31st I got the best news of my life "I'm Pregnant" were the words that came across the pregnancy test. I was overjoyed and couldn't believe that I was yet again blessed and on this journey, only this time I was confident that this time I would get to bring home a healthy baby. Never could I have imagined that the outcome would be different.

The next day I found myself back at the dr to do bloodword to confirm the pregnancy only to find out later that day from my nurse that it was a Chemical Pregnancy. The next day I started my period and saw would should have been my new little bundle of joy. DEVISTATION is the exact word to describe what I was feeling at the time. I had no idea that I could possibly experience something like this, but was able to quickly recover as I had been through worse when I loss my daughter. A chemical pregnancy in no way could compare to the loss of my daughter halfway through my pregnancy. I was able to pick myself up, but still feel as though I have loss another child, or similar to having a miscarriage. Eventhough I had never experienced a miscarriage, I compare my chemical pregnancy to exactly that.

The next day following my chemical pregnancy again I was back at the dr office to confirm the chemical pregnancy and to make sure everything was ok to start another round of treatment right away. I was a little relunctant go ahead this month as I was feeling overwhelmed and discourage and really feeling like I wanted to give up. My appt did not go well as I was told I had developed a cyst due to the medication from the treatment, as well as my uterine lining was really really thick, due to it trying to prepare for a pregnancy. The news of this just devistated me even more, but I continued to remain strong and understood I had to continue through this process.

Later that day I would get the go ahead to start treatment. First it was to start clomid for cycle days 3-7 which I have completed. Cycle day 9 was my FSH injection which my husband did for me this past Saturday and now cycle day 12 on tomorrow for my ultrasound to see if I can do my HCG injection which will trigger ovulation. Now if everything works out tomorrow them the following two days is timed intercourse and then on to the dreaded 2 week wait. I am not very optimistic about the appt tomorrow though, because each time I have had my ultrasound on cycle day 12 my follicles are never ready. They have to be atleast 20mm and they normally reach that size on cycle day 14. So tomorrow when the ultrasound tech gives me the news I will try and promise myself to not get upset.

In saying that I probably will still be upset, but its so routine now that I am getting so tired of the whole process. I know this is just part of God's plan for me to go through these obstacles in order to make my dream of becoming a mother my reality. So here I sit and wait. Wait to see if the 3rd time will be the charm and my dream will finally play out the way I have always dreamed it would, with a screaming, beautiful, healthy baby. I wait to see if this will be a very special birthday and christmas for me. I wait to see if my life will be changing.

Today!

2007-11-09T06:27:00.000-08:00

Today 7 months ago my world changed forever. Today I said goodbye to my miracle. I can't believe that 7 months have gone by and it feels like just yesterday we were saying our last goodbye. It's 9:34 a.m. and at this tme on this day months ago, I saw you for the last time. You were so beautiful. Still kicking and moving allowing many memories to be made. The tears I left on you would not be enough to keep your heart beating.

Today many months ago, my heart was breaking. Seeing you struggle to survive and hearing the constant beeping sound from your montior tell us that your heart rate was continuing to drop. My heart was breaking. I remember being in a daze. In shock, not really aware of what was going on around me. Everyone was there and offered so much support, but none of this is what I wanted. I wanted you to be healthy, I wanted you to be ok.

Today 7 months ago I screamed, I hollered, I became hysterical. How could this have happened. Why did you have to go. I just want you to be here with me and me not be here remember this day that you left me here on earth with empty arms and a broken heart.

Today 7 months ago I saw daddy cry for the first time. To see the pain in his eyes that he felt because mommy was hurting. To see the pain he felt watching his first born child suffer and him not be able to do anything to save her. Watching him kiss you and tell you how much he loved you.

Today I continue to cry for you. Jaylin you went to heaven today and I hope you were welcomed with open arms. You really were so beautiful and there are so many things you accomplished during the 3 days that we spent with you.

You brought mommy and daddy into a new spiritual way in our relationship. The bond we had before you came was strong. After your arrival, our relationship became something neither of us could have ever imagined. We learned that there is nothing on earth that can divide the love we have for each other. We learned that our family and friends deeply care for us and would do anything to bring comfort to our sorrowing hearts. We learned that loosing you meant we had to fill the emptiness you left behind by leaning on each other for support.

In the weeks following your passing, I shut down. The reality of what happened really hit me. I could not be left alone, I cried every second I thouht of you and held on to my favorite winnie the pooh bear. During your last hours there are a couple regrets I have.

I regret not ever holding you. Watching you suffer and seeing you attached to te ventilator and hooked up to so many tubes looked very scary. I did not want to take anything way in the fear that it would cause you more discomfort. To wish and wish that at this moment I was holding you. I regret not taking the blanket home that you lay on those 3 days, to just know that it held you and I didnt keep it hurts me. I regret not being with you at your last moment. Not holding you as you took your last breath and allowing you to be close to my heart again.

I regret not seeing you after you were gone and seeing the peaceful look upon your face that your god mother saw. I regret not being in the room when you were given a bath. Oh how I wish I would have given it to you. Oh how I wish I was there when they came to take you away. Little did I know the process you would go through to finally be at home with me now. I am so blessed to finally have your ashes stuffed in that same winnie the pooh bear that I held, which I still hold that now also holds you and have it sit next to our bed.

I still have so many questions that I will never get answers to. Why was I allowed to experience the death of my child. Why did I have to go into labor early. Why did you have to be born at 22 weeks and not 40 weeks. Why oh Why.

Jaylin I can say that today after 7 months have passed, I can smile again. You send me Rainbows to let me know you are ok. You hold my hand when I cry to let me know you are there. You give me strength to wake up every single day and face another one without you. Yu give me hope that another baby is on the way. You bring me tears when I think of how beautiful you were and what joy and happiness you brought to my life.

Today. Today I am grateful. Grateful for the 22 weeks and 6 days that I carried you. I am grateful for the 3 days I got to spend with you. I am grateful for the lessons you have shown me. That 1 there is life within my womb. 2 I can give birth to a child. 3 that I have cervical incompetence and will need to take so many necessary precautions to bring a healthy baby into the world. 4 I would not know what it means to love someone unconditionally. I mean I loved you from the moment I knew you were coming. The bond we shared for 5 1/2 is one I will treasure for the rest of my life.

Trying To Find My Way

2007-11-08T12:24:00.000-08:00

I am trying to find my way. Everyday begins a new and I try to make it. I am thankful to God for so many things.
I thank him for life, I thank him for Health, I thank him for my wonderful husband. I am thankful to God for allowing me the strength to make it through each and everyday without the other half of my heart Jaylin.

Somtimes I feel like a fish in a tank wanting to get out and away, but dont know my direction. I am trying to find my way. Through this world full of pain and sorrow. I guess thats why we all hope to go to heaven. A place where there is no pain, no suffering, only joy and happiness.

Trying to find my way in a world full of women who are pregnant and will deliver healthy babies. What a wonderful gift from God and I wish every woman in the world who is expecting a baby, the joy of motherhood and a successful healthy pregnancy. In saying that, I wish the same for myself. Trying to find my way through the pain I feel when seeing a pregnant woman and wishing it were me. Why does a pregnant belly have to feel like a sharp pain in my stomach when I see it.

In trying to find my way, I am also trying to figure out which way is my way. Right now I am trying not to cry, trying not to be angry, trying not to breakdwon, trying not to want to wake up tomorrow and face another day without her.
I am trying to find my way. Oh I am trying to find my back to where she and I can be together again.

"The Reality Of My Life"

2007-11-08T07:35:00.000-08:00

"Trying so hard to accept the reality of my life". I conitnue to repeat this statement to myself in the hopes that I will finally believe what I am saying. There are many things in life we are in process of doing. Trying to finish school, trying to get through a work week, trying to save money, trying to buy a house, trying to reach many goals we have set for ourselves.

In trying to accomplish such things, what happens with something comes in and interrupts it all? What happens when you wake up one day and dont know what it is that you are trying to do? As I sit here thinking about my life, I am not sure what I want to accomplish. The one thing I have always wanted to accomplish in life that I was certain about was to be married and to be a mother. In between doing these things, I can't really say what it is that I would like to do. There are many things I like doing, but how do you turn them all into one thing.

Three years ago I have managed to accomplish being a wife. April 17, 2004 I married my best friend. What an accomplishment this has been. The love of my life, the person with whom I would live the rest of my life, and its been exaclty what I expected it to be. Along the way for the past 4 1/2 years I have WANTED to bring my dream of becoming a mother a reality. In process of doing so, I discovered there would be obstacles along the way.

How do I accomplish my dream of becoming a mother when the word INFERTILITY exists. How do I accept the fact that there will be no "surprise pregnancy", no "accident" or "slip up". Accomplishing my dream little did I know would be achieved by Specialists, Many Many Many doctors appointments, many test, many procedures, many disappointments, many failed attempts, and so much PAIN.

I've spent the past 4 years in so much pain. There has been a black cloud hanging over my head following me around like a shadow. No one would believe how many days I have cried. No one would understand how many tears I have cried. If I could fill buckets with tears it would honestly be a sea. The magnitude of this pain is undescrible unless you yourself have endured it. So many spend years trying to prevent such a dream, so many have spent hundreds of dollars getting rid of this dream after it is already on the way here. To try and put into words how to describe the feelings that you possibly will not be able to make your dream come true, is a hard one.

"Trying to accept the reality of my life". The reality of my life is that INFERTILITY is part of my life and will be for the rest of my life. To describe to someone what its like, is to describe being disabled. Having a disability is the best way to describe what its like to do everything imagineable to conceive on your own and not be able to . The pain I have endured for the last couple years is one some could never imagine. I myself couldnt have imagined it.The reality of my life is that I my husband and I have been together for 8 years total and 3 1/2 years married and during this process there was never a time where I got pregnant, not once.

The reality of my life is that I am in so much pain. the reality of my life is that I am not happy. I love my husband, our marriage is great, I am happy with him, but HAPPINESS is not how I can honestly describe my life right now. The reality of my life is that I am AFRAID. the reality of my life is consumed with INFERTILITY+ PAIN, JOY+SORROW, HAPPINESS+ SADNESS.

The reality of my life is that I did experience the HAPPINESS that women feel at some point in their lives, if they are lucky. After so many test, PCOS(Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome), not ovulating on my own. More than 8 rounds of CLOMID, many ultrasounds, injections to make my body do what it wasnt doing, I was finally able to repeat the words I'M PREGNANT. Oh what joy. The pain I had endured for so long brought such HAPPINESS. What happens when this happiness is short lived, not once but TWICE now.

The reality of my life is that CERVICAL INCOMPETENCE is now a part of my life. The reality of my life is that my daughter was born 18 weeks sooner than she should have. The reality of my life is that I saw my daughter fight for her life for two days and THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO TO SAVE HER. The reality of my life is that, my daughter took her last breath and the pain I felt could not bring her back.

"Trying to accept the reality of my life". Two months after loosing my daughter my reality become trying again. I mean I had been trying for 4 years, succeeding once, I could not allow loosing her to keep me from achieving my dream of being a mother. I mean it would all for nothing if one day I cant have a healthy child and remember what I went through to get one here. My reality became 4 months of not succeeding and returning to the place that made my dream come true at one point. Once again I found myself with another procedure with the hope that it would end the way my miracle child had come into my life.

My reality then became HAPPINESS yet again. I'M PREGNANT are the words the home pregnancy test read. JOY once more. Thank you were my exact words. Thankful to God for allowing my pain to be subsided. Little did I know my reality would not be the same in 24 hours.
CHEMICAL PREGNANCY were the words the doctor advised me. PAIN became my friend again. Having edured PAIN OF INFERTILITY, JOY OF PREGNANCY(5 1/2 months), GRIEF OF LOSS, PAIN OF INFERTILITY, JOY OF PREGNANCY(24 hours), I found myself back in PAIN.

"Trying to accept the reality of my life". The reality of my life is now I have loss my daughter and had a chemical pregnancy, and now I find myself yet again continuing to try to accomplish my dream of becoming a mother my reality. I find myself yet again getting ready to endure another round of treatment in the hopes of not only a positive home pregnancy test, not only making through the 1st and 2nd trimesters, but the hopes of carrying a pregnancy to term and finally, finally being able to bring home a happy healthy baby and LIVE MY DREAM of being a mother.
"Trying to accept the reality of my life". The reality of my life right now is that there is no reality for me. Right now there is only my dream. My dream of becoming a mother.

Words of Comfort!

2007-11-07T09:07:00.000-08:00

I wanted to post the comforting words I have been receiving over the last couple months. Thank you to those of you who visited Jaylin's web page and signed her guestbook. You have no idea how much your words really meant to me. I cherish these very words and will forever hold them dear to me and remember how much they helped me get throgh a very difficult time. Thanks again!

Eboni
Florida
9/4/2007 1:15:29 PM
Hi Jaylin, Its Mommy. Just wanted to let you know I am thinking about you. I love and miss you so much!

Wendy
Pennsylvania
9/4/2007 2:13:25 PM
Eboni - Though your grief and pain are great, your love for Jaylin is by far the greatest of all. I often think of your journey after losing Jaylin, and know that you are strong and will find peace and love as time passes. Take care!

Jen & Angel Danielle
California
9/4/2007 3:53:12 PM
Jaylin, I am one of our mommy's friends from BabyCenter. I know that your mommy loves you very much, and that you are watching over her all the time.

Caren and Angel Brooke
CA
9/4/2007 2:18:38 PM
Eboni - Your wesite is a beautiful tribute to Jaylin. I know she is proud of you. May you find comfort in knowing that our angels only knew love...and that Jaylin only knew of your love for her.

April
mississippi
9/4/2007 5:04:32 PM
I AM THINKING AND PRAYING FOR YOU ALWAYS

Beth and angel Joshua
pa
9/4/2007 7:24:28 PM
Jaylin,sweet precious girl,Shine your love down on your mommy and daddy~They love and miss you oh so much! Eboni~Thank you for sharing Jaylin with all of us at babycenter! Your a wonderful mother! Your family is in my thoughts and prayers! http://joshua-dylan-odonnell.memory-of.com/about.aspx

Liesel
Alberta/Canada
9/4/2007 9:50:40 PM
Jaylin, what a beautiful site your mommy is making for you here. She is such a strong and caring woman and I know you are very proud of her. Maybe you could whisper in Gods ear and send down a little brother or sister for your mommy and daddy real soon.

Kristeen
California
9/4/2007 9:58:26 PM
Dear Eboni, I am so sorry for the loss of you darling Jaylin. I wish we could of met under different circumstances. I pray for you and yours. with much love, Kristeen & Shea Marie

Amy and angel Christian
WI
9/5/2007 11:57:41 AM
Precious girl, you are so loved by your mommy and daddy, and I feel privileged to have heard all about your time that you were here on Earth. Much peace and healing to you Eboni.

Tiffany Rowe
FL / US
9/6/2007 7:37:45 AM
Hi Eb- You, Pooh and Jaylin are always in my prayers. I think the Lord needed a beautiful and sweet person to bring Jaylin into the world so that he could take her for himself. I know it's hard now but He will make it easier by the day. Jaylin has what we all spend our whole lives trying to do, get a seat and everlasting life with our Lord and Saviour. As hard as it maybe to grasp right now, she is an Angel and is smiling down on you. Oneday you will join her and she will tell you of all her thoughts and how grateful she is to you for bringing her into the world so that our Master could take care of her. There is no better caregiver. Love Tiff

LINDA ANDERSON
MILW.,WI /USA
9/8/2007 7:26:34 AM
DEAR EBONI,WHAT A BEAUTIFUL SITE YOU HAVE MADE FOR YOUR SWEET JAYLIN.I KNOW SHE IS VERY PROUD OF HER MOMMY.AND I FEEL SO BLESSED TO KNOW YOU EBONI.I AM SORRY FOR THE WAY WE MET.BUT I AM BLESSED.TAKE GREAT CARE OF YOURSELF MY DEAR GIRL.AND MAY GOD PUT HIS LOVING ARM'S AROUND YOU AND GIVE YOU PEACE.KNOW I WILL NEVER FORGET YOU OR SWEET JAYLIN AS LONG AS I LIVE.FOR YOU BOTH ARE IN MY HEART.AND LET DH KNOW I DO PRAY FOR HIM TOO!GOD'S BLESSINGS BE WITH YOU BOTH ALWAYS. WITH LOVING THOUGHT'S OF YOU LINDA(ANGEL MOM OF 4)

Jana and Angel Carson
Idaho/USA
9/9/2007 12:53:22 PM
What a beautiful website! You are such a beautiful woman. You, your DH, and Jaylin are in my prayers.

Linda Anderson
milw,Wi /usa
9/12/2007 11:20:21 AM
My Dear Eboni,i pray for better days for you honey.Jaylin send mommy a sign from you.I think she could use one right about now.And please ask God to help mommy and daddy to have a baby brother or sister for you.They miss you so much sweetheart.Keep watching over them.Just wanted to talk to you honey.Eboni take care and know i am thinking of you all. With so much love linda

Sharon( 0607Angel)
Atlanta, GA.
9/12/2007 12:12:43 PM
I have been lurking on BBC for about 2 months.I lost my baby boy @16 weeks, also due to IC. Reading your posts, rooting for you to get out of the pit has helped me tremendously.Once I catch up I'll be on the boards again.God Bless you sister!!

Kristie
Pennsylvania
9/12/2007 1:54:54 PM
Eboni you did such a wonderful job on Jaylin's website! I'm sure she is proud!!

Shannypooh
Miami, Florida
9/13/2007 4:27:53 PM
Hi Jaylin, This is your dear godmother. You have certainly brought your mom and dad closer in love, life and relationship. You have actually opened eyes to your family letting us all know that there is a God and blessings do come. Jaylin you will always be in our hearts and in our minds we will forever love you.

Jill ~Haley~ McCorm
Iowa. USA
9/27/2007 2:01:53 PM
Eboni, Your site for Jaylin is beautiful!! Im sure she loves it too! Im very Thankful to have met you! Take care and I think of you often! Jill (from bbc)

Jenn (^Sophie^'s mommy)
Richmond, VA
9/27/2007 1:04:21 PM
Eboni- I love your website!Everyone can see how much you guys love little Jaylin. Your journal entries are so touching and the tattoo is beautiful! I don't think I've ever seen a cuter angel :)
Name

Journal Entries!

2007-11-07T08:06:00.001-08:00

I wanted to post my journal entries from the early months after Jaylin passed. In hoping they will continue to inspire me to continue to keep writing and to be able to help others.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

its been almost 5 months since you have bee gone. Mommy misses you so much. The pain of you leaving is still so hard to bear. I cant believe that you came into my life, then slipped away. Every time I look down at this scar I have, it reminds me of that fateful day. To look at it and know the reason its there is because you were taken away from me. I am in such pain over you not beeing here baby girl. As time moves forward and everyone is still living their lives, I am STILL. Silently I cry, silently I scream. Why Why Why did you have to go.
OUR EYES NEVER MET, BUT OUR HEARTS DID.
I NEVER GOT TO SEE YOU SMILE, BUT MY SOUL DID.
EVENTHOUGH YOU WERE TAKEN AWAY, YOUR LOVE IS WHAT STAYED.
THE CONNECTION WE SHARE IS ONE ONLY WE KNOWI HAVE CRIED MANY OCEANS OF TEARS ASKING, "WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GO.

"WHEN I FIRST SAW YOU, I SAID "OH MY" "OH MY"THATS A DREAM, THATS MY DREAM, I NEEDED A DREAM WHEN IT ALL SEEMED TO GO BAD. THEN I FOUND YOU, NOW I HAVE HAD THE MOST BEAUTIFUL DREAM ANYONES EVERY HAD.YOU WERE MY DREAM, EVERYTHING THAT I NEVER KNEWYOU WERE MY DREAM, WHO COULD BELIEVE IT COULD EVER COME TRUE, YES YOU WERE MY DREAM, IF I COULD BELIEVE, THEN THE WORLD COULD BELIEVE IN MY DREAM TOO.WHEN I FIRST SAW YOU, I SAID "OH MY" "OH MY" THATS A DREAM, THATS MY DREAM, I NEEDED A DREAM TO MAKE ME STRONG, YOU WERE THE ONLY REASON I HAD TO GO ON.

I LOVE YOU JAYLIN,LOVE MOMMY!

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Hi Jaylin, its mommy. Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you. So many people have already signed your guestbook and its not even finished yet. I have been wondering lately, Do you miss me as much as I miss you? Mommy misses you so much. I wish I could hold you as I type this. I never knew I could love someone so much that I never even met. The first time I saw you...I will never forget what I felt at that moment. Looking at you in the incubator and saying " Wow, thats my baby." I had waited for you for so long and couldnt believe you were finally here. Regardless of the circumstances that got you here that day. I was sooooo happy to finally see you. Everytime I close my eyes, I see your face and how much you looked like Daddy. I remember your smell and can still feel your touch. I will never forget touching your hand and your grasping my finger. Grandma remembers this also and reminds me often. I will never forget saying your name and you moved immediately. I guess talking to you for those 5 months that you were still inside really paid off. I only wish I could had more time with you. Thank you baby girl for coming into my life and changing it forever.I LOVE YOU, LOVE MOMMY!

Friday, September 07, 2007

5 Months ago today you were born. Around this time at 7:24 p.m I was still waiting to see you for the first time. You had already met everyone else. Daddy, both grandmas, Auntie Ashley, God Mommy Shannon, Grand dad Willie and Uncle Chuckie. I was so jealous because you still had not met the one person who you needed the most, me. I will never forget the joy I felt during this time. I knew your chances of survival was only 20% at only 22 weeks, but still the happiness of finally being a mother after trying for 4 years and waiting for so long was overwhelming. I just knew you would make it. Everyone was so happy to see you. I finally got wheeled in at around 11:30 pm and I immediately cried when seeing you. I called your name "Jaylin" and you started to move. I said "Hi PooPoo" which is the nickname you had heard me call you the entire time i carried you. They turned off the dark light and opened up the incubator and I touched you and I can still feel that touch. As soon as I put my finger in your hand and gently caressed it, you grabbed it and my heart sanked. I couldnt believe I was looking at this child I never thought I would have. I was looking at a dream almost. Like how is this possible that this child was just inside me, then now I am looking at her. Not even 8 hours before I was feeling you move inside me as they had the baby monitor on my belly and you were giving the nurse a hard time but not being still. Then I had no idea that you would be born this day. Jaylin, thank you for sending me a Rainbow on yesterday. I know you were thinking of me. I miss you so much baby girl and I will not let your death be in vain. I will continue to be here for others in this situation and offer support whenever I can. Thank yo so much for showing me on this day 5 months ago what the word LOVE means. I knew it before when I first met daddy. I thought after marrying him I could never love another person, but you changed that. I love you before you were even conceived and loved you even more when I discovered you were coming and now I love you even more for showing me how being a mother brings sacrifice and pain.

Love Always,Mommy

Sunday, September 09, 2007

5 months ago today at 10:27 a.m. we said goodbye. Around this time, I was in my room and all of our family and friends were still with us. Mommy misses you so much Jaylin and I know that you are in heaven watching over daddy and me and making sure we are ok. I just want you to know that me and daddy are doing ok. We are trying to give you a little brother or sister, and hope that you send us just the perfect one. I cant believe you came into my life for just 3 days, yet your spirit lives on within me forever. The pain of loosing you stil has not gone away and I think I will always feel this emptiness in my heart from where your life growing up would have been. I look at other little girls and think what you would have been like at that age, but I know I'll never get the chance to know. I only now hold dear the memories that we shared during the time I carried you and the time we spent with you here. Thank you for forever changing my life that day and showing me what it means to love.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

I loved you so much. I wanted yo so much. As I sit here and think about all the dreams I had for you, it breaks my heart that we will never get to share them. I know things are they way they should be, and that God knows whats best for me, I just never thought after everything I had been through to get you hear, that MY DAUGHTER would be the one that didnt get to stay with me. Jaylin no one knows what loosing you has done to me. I will never be the same again. Everyone is so quick to say we have to move on in our lives and get up everyday and go to work because life goes on and we have to "do what we have to do" but knowing that doesnt change the pain I am in. I still wish I could rewind time and still have you with me. By now you would have been born as you were due on August 7th, but I knew you would come early, but 18 weeks early was not was I had in mind. Is there something I have done to deserve this? Am I being punished for something? I have always considered myself a good person, and loosing my first and only child is not something I should have had to go through. I am trying to keep myself in good spirits but its so hard. I cant stop thinking about you and wish I could see you smile. Yesterday was Sept. 11th, the anniversry of the day the world changed forever. On that day over 2,000 people lost their lives and listening to their families talk about how they missed them so, only breaks me heart. I too know the pain they are experiencing. To listen to one mother talk about her daughter she lost and how she will never get to see her graduate high school, get married and have children was like a knife in my chest. I too am so sad that I will never experience these things with you. I only hold the memories of you. Feeling you move for the first time, finding out you were a girl, which drove your daddy crazy at the thought of raising a little girl, and finally seeing you for the first time. I will try and continue to be strong for you, and ask that you coninute to watch over daddy and me and know we are always thinking about you.

I LOVE YOU,MOMMY

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Halloween is the first major holiday I will face without you. I never really thought about any of the holidays being hard. I was in Target last week and walkeed pass all the beautiful decorations they had just put out for halloween. I immediately got sad as I saw the most precious infant costumes. I wanted to cry as I thought I would never get to dress you up. I remember thinking in march that I couldnt wait for holiday season. It has always been my favorite time of year, Halloween, Thanksgiving, my Birthday and Christmas. I remember thinking how I couldnt wait for you to take pictures for halloween. I will never get to experience these holidays with you and it breaks my heart. I am started to get nervous about it actually on how I will handle it. I am currently looking for the perfect ornament for the christmas tree already for you. Jaylin mommy misses you terribly. Me and daddy are trying to have a little brother or sister for you, but it has not been easy. Everything we went through trying to be blessed with you, I thought this time that God will give us a break and allow us to do this all on our own, but I guess thats not his plan. I am trying to stay positive and in good spirits, but sometimes I feel like life is so unfair to me. It just seems like everyone get to have what they want, and I just want my turn. When is it going to be my turn to be a mom(to a living child) Being your mom has taught me to love, sacrifice and forgive, eventhough I am still struggling to forgive what happen, I do except it. I just wish I had more memories of you. I appreciate the ones I do have, but I wish there was more pictures and more things to remember other than in the hospital. I wish I didnt feel so cheated out of motherhood and out of pregnancy. I pray my time will come

Missing you Terribly,Mommy

Monday, September 24, 2007

Jaylin my love!I miss you so much. I can't believe its been almost 6 months since I said goodbye to you. I like to think that you are watching over me helping me get through each and everyday. I just wanted to say hi and that I was thinking about you.

Love Mommy!

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

You are 6 months old in heaven today!I can't believe it's been 6 months since you have been gone. 6 months and two days ago you were born. I try and imagine would it would be like if you were here. The things you would be doing llike rolling over, talking and smiling at me. Jaylin I miss you so much and cried just thinking about the things we missed out on. You did give me two signs on Sunday, During the time I was sad and crying I heard a voice whisper "Mommy I'm here" and I immediately felt better. Then later during the day, you sent me a Rainbow and I knew you were ok. Daddy and I are moving forward in trying to give you a little brother or sister and hopefully by this time next month he or she will be on the way. I know I will be pregnant soon and I thank you Jaylin for giving me strength to continue to make my dream of being a mother come true. I ask that you continue to watch over me and give me strength to get through everyday without you

Becoming A Mother !

2007-11-07T05:48:00.001-08:00

7 months ago today, my world changed forever. I delivered my beautiful little girl Jaylin by emergency c section at 6:05 a.m. Under normal circumstances a mother would be so happy to have just had their baby. In my case I was scared to death. Jaylin was born at only 22 weeks and 6 days gestation. I went into pre term labor and had no idea that my life would be changing.

Her chances of survival were only 20-25% which I knew upon arriving at the hospital. However, I imagined that the worse that could possibly happen was that I would be put on hospital bedrest, but will still get to keep my precious child. Unfortunately that was not part of God's plan for me. I will never forget the moment I awoke from surgery and discvored that I was no longer pregnant and my daughter was in the NICU fighting for her life. Though it was a bittersweet moment, I will never forget the Joy and happiness I felt. I couldn't believe I was finally a mother. I couldn't believe that just a few feet away was the baby I had dreamed of and wanted for so very long.

Becoming a mother was the best experience I could have gone through. At that moment I did not know what would become of my motherhood at that time and did not know I would be a mother of an angel. I was a MOTHER. Wow what a feeling. I think about how many women feel on the day their child is born and honestly, its a life changing experience. One I hope to experience again.

I am so grateful. Grateful to God for finally allowing me to give birth to my miracle baby. Grateful that I was able to see her move and see her breath. Grateful that I was able to feel her. I am grateful to have held her hand and felt her grasp it oh so tightly.

Becoming a mother is a gift I am so grateful to my daughter for. She taught me what it meant to love someone so much unconditionally under any circumstances. Becoming a mother allows you the opportunity to say there is someone on this earth who soley relies on you for LOVE. Through Jaylin's pain and suffering the one thing I could offer her was LOVE. The one thing she needed the most even in her time of suffering.

Becoming a Mother. Becoming a mothe also teaches you some of the most valuable lessons. It teaches you that as parents we can't always do whats in our best interest. Many parents are guilty of making decisions for their children that are not necessarily in the best interest of the children but what we may think is best. Honestly we have to think about what they would want. Though children are small and vulnerable, the most honest creatures of earth.

For me becoming a monther 7 months ago today, taught me that very same thing. I learned that
being a mother means doing what was best for my daughter. At that time what was best for her was to be given a chance. A chance to survive, a chance to fight for her life. A chance to feel the love that her mommy and daddy had for her. A chance for her to see a lifetimes worth of love and support from family and friends. A chance to finally feel the bond and connection with her mommy that she felt in the womb. A chance to her her mommy say her name and feel the reaction her mommy had to seeing her respond to this.

Becoming a mother has been a life changing experience and Jaylin, mommy thanks you so much for coming into my life and changing it forever. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH JAYLIN MY LOVE.

Daydreaming and Wondering How!!!

2007-11-06T11:27:00.000-08:00

I often find myself daydreaming about what things I would be doing had Jaylin been here. What would she be doing right now. She would be a happy healthy 3 month old. I would be looking forward to her first Thanksgiving and her first Christmas. Instead I dream. I dream all the things I will never get to do with her. The things that so many women will be doing with their children. So many women who will be doing this for the first time and have no idea what it feels like to experience the pain I have.

In retrospect, I don't blame them for not feeling what I have felt. Loosing a child, your first child is something I would ever wish on another human being. I can't help but daydream every single day of my life for the rest of my life because it will forever not include her. Its funny, I guess some expect or think that after almost 7 months, I should feel differently. I guess some would say I should be "over it". "Over it" thats definately not a possibility.

Is it actually possible for others to understand exactly what it is that I lost. MY CHILD. She was wanted forever. We tried for her for 4 years. We finally were blessed with her and then it's like God changed his mine for us. I continue to daydream about that day. I will forever remember how fast it all happened. One minute I was listening to her heartbeat , then the next minute I woke up and she was in the NICU. How did this actually happen. I was suppose to have 9 months of a healthy pregnancy not 5 and 1/2. Jaylin should have been born in August 7th not April 7th. She was suppose to live a full life of joy and happiness. Not die just 2 days after birth.

How can I move on. How do I wake up every morning and know that my beautiful little girl can't be here. How can I continue to ignore the fact that my arms just ache to hold her. How can I see other pregnant women and not feel my heart breaking. How can I see other little girls and wonder if she would have looked like at their age. How do I continue through the rest of my life knowing that on April 9th 2007 at 10:27 a.m. MY DAUGHTER took her last breath. The knowlege of this all is almost too much for some to continue with through the rest of their lives.

I continue to pray and ask God for the strength. I need strength to get up everyday. I need strength to go through the rest of my life without her. I need strength to not be angry at myself, angry at my body. I need strength to grasp the fact that INFERTILITY is something I will have to live with. I need strength to understand that I did nothing to cause this. I need strength to grasp the fact that I may never conceive a child on my own. I need strength to grasp the fact that due to my emergency c section to deliver Jaylin, I will never get to have the natural vaginal birth I always wanted. I need stength to grasp the fact that some people can get pregnant easily and I can't.

Love is Pain. Pain is Love. I guess you cant have one without the other. Love is pain in the sense where someone you love caused you pain. Like a husband cheating on you, or your best friend doing something to hurt you. that "love is pain" I understand, but "Love is Pain" I loved my child so much that loosing her caused me so much pain WTF? I dont understand. I loved her so much, her daddy loved her so much. How could this be. We wanted her so much, we dreamed of her so much. Was it all too much?

I still daydream. I still daydream that will I ever get to experience the JOY of motherhood. I experienced that pain of motherhood, the uncertainty of motherhood and the grief that followed. I have gotten pregnant, given birth to my child and say goodbye to my child all in the matter of 6 months. I was not given a lifetime with my daughter. I daydream about how I can put all the things I wanted to say to her in writing. There is a lifetime worth of things I wanted to tell her and how do I get through each day knowing she wont ever get to live them.

I daydream. I daydream about how she would smile. I daydream about the color of her eyes. I daydream about the first time she would call me mommy. I daydream about hearing her say Daddy for the first time. I daydream about her taking her first steps. I daydream about being able to put her to my breast and bond with her (something only her mother can do)

Wondering How. How do I grasp the fact that the pain I am feeling will be there FOREVER. How do I grasp the fact that I loved Jaylin so much but it wasnt enough to keep her here with me. How do I grasp the fact that no matter how much I cry, it wont bring her back. How do I grasp the fact that she will forever carry a place in my heart but I wont get to carry her physically.

When is Enough, Enough!

2007-11-05T05:54:00.000-08:00

At what point do you tell yourself, "Enough is Enough" "I can't do this anymore". Almost 7 months after my world was forever changed, I sit here and think. My heart is really heay right now. The pain I feel right now is unbearable. Last week on the day when kids around the world got dressed up in costumes and go from house to house saying "Trick or Treat", I found out I was pregnant. Taking that home pregnancy test and seeing the word PREGNANT was the happiest day of my life. Its funny how that was just 5 days ago and now my heart is broken again. Not even 24 hours after discovering I was pregnant and started to share my news with others, I discovered that the pregnancy would not progess. "Chemical Pregnancy"!!! It was like telling me my daughter was dying all over again.

I once again found myself feeling lost. How could this be? Hadn't I suffered enough when I lost Jaylin? What was it that God was trying to show me? If it was that I am not meant to have children and be a mother, then I wish he would just tell me. Therefore, I can stop trying and do whatever I have to do to get through the rest of my life without them. Here I was again in a category of a failed pregnancy that I never knew I would fall into. It was the 2nd time I fell into such a thing. Just 7 months ago when I was told that I had Cervical Incompetence and realized what it was, I thought "well how can this happen to me".

Normally, Cervical Incompetence happens to women who have suffered some type of trauma to their cervix from a previous pregnancy, I.E. abortions, surgeries, etc... This had been my first pregnancy after 4 years of infertility and treatments to conceive, then to loose my little girl. Now here I am again, normally chemical pregnancies happen in first pregnancies. I had only 1 day of being really really happy. 1 day where I actually held my stomach and talked to this baby thinking " I would not let loosing my dauhgter keep me from bonding with this baby" I told the baby " You have no idea how much I love you" and yet little did I know it was dying.

When is Enough, Enough! The words from the doctor were "oh its no big deal, these things happen" Well you know what, I am sick of "these things" happening to me. Really what is it that I have done to deserve this. I cried for 2 days, remembering the pain I felt when I lost my daughter on that fateful day April 9, 2007. Why? I immediately wanted to stop. Stop trying, Stop putting myself, my body and my emotions through disappointment. It seems that is all I have been faced with DISAPPOINTMENT. How can I be happy ever again? How can I continue to get up every single day and face the rest of my life having gone through what I have gone through.

The dr advised as everything is ok to try this month, and I am currently starting treatment for yet another hopeful pregnancy. Yet, I wonder should I continue? Should I really put myself through another month of ups and downs. I am sick of taking pills to stimulate ovulation, sick of going back and forth to the dr and having to miss time from work (it makes me look bad), I am sick of ultrasounds to check follicles, sick of blood work to check estrogen levels, progestrone levels, sick of injections, having to get a shot to do something that my body wont do on its own.

It really sucks. I just want to get pregnant just like everybody else. When is Enough, enough. When is the pain enough. I thought going through infertility for 4 years was enough. I thought loosing Jaylin was enough, I thought not being able to get pregnant for 6 months after she died was enough, but I guess it wasnt. So again I say. WHEN IS ENOUGH, ENOUGH!!!

It's Strange!

2007-10-30T07:57:00.000-07:00

Its so strange as I sit here and right this, thinking that I actually had a child. I have a daughter and her name is Jaylin. To remember only almost 7 months ago I was pregnant and awaiting her arrival. I can't believe almost 7 months ago my life changed forever. Its almost like I dreamed the whole thing. As I think about the events that lead me to this blog and where these words are coming from, I daydream. Daydream about what happened and how it all came about. I then say to myself "did that really happen" or "is someone playing a cruel joke on me"

Its strange how God can allow certain things in our life to happen that bring us pain. Loss, something no one ever wants to experience. Whether its the loss of a job, a house, a car, a spouse by divorce, our favorite sweater, or a special letter written by someone we love. Loss is something we never want to experience on any level. The loss of a child is one that no one can ever seem to phathem. Who would ever imagine that the loss of a child could bring such pain.

Loosing my daughter Jaylin is a pain I would have never expected to feel. I would have never imagine that in October 2007 I would be sitting here writing this, at a job I didnt know I would have, or see a refelection of the bracelet on my right arm that says "remembering" in remembering her. October 2007 would be her first Halloween, looking forward to her taking pictures in her first halloween costume and enjoying having a 3 month old. Instead I sit here and write. Write about the love I feel for her and the pain I feel for her not being here. How can I possible put in words days by day the things I wanted to share with her over a lifetime.

The world can be full of such cruel and unfortunate events, and often we want to look at who to blame. Who did we blame for 9/11, who did we blame for Hurrican katrina, The Tsunami and The fires in California. We often look to blame someone that causes us such pain. Who do we blame for the loss of a child, such a pain that is unimagineable. Who should be held responsible for this action. The pain I feel makes me angry, but who do I voice that anger with, God, The Devil, my Dr., My Body, etc... I can go on and on down the list, but the truth is, some may look at all those things and point blame, but in honestly what does this blame do. It wont bring Jaylin back, it wont make the pain of loosing her go away either.

The most difficult thing to do everyday after the death of your child, is learning to get up ever single day with the knowledge that you child died. No matter how you look at the situation. Think about it, if you are a parent, imagine not having one of your children. There is no pain in the world worse then a loss. DEATH, its a topic the world never wants to deal with. Its a subject that often left untalked about. DEATH OF A CHILD in unimagineable. No one wants to believe that babies die and dont often want to discuss the death of a baby, but I am here to say, YES BABIES DO DIE. Mine did. I would have never imagine she would, but she did.

Especially after what I had went through to conceive her. 4 years of hoping, wishing, praying, crying uncontrollably and just not being happy. I was blessed on Dec. 1, 2006 to discover I was pregnant. I was finally able to repeat those words to someone. I had dreamed of doing so for so long, and now it was finally my turn. April 7, 2007 all that changed when Jaylin Renay Thompson came into the world at 6:05 a.m via emergency c section weighing only 1lb an 1/2 oz and only 22 weeks and 6 days (gestation of 5 1/2 months). I will never forget the first moment I saw her. It was if I was looking at a dream I had been having all my life. Through the pain of seeing such a small and fragile child, I felt the joy every mother feels on the day their first child is born. I immediately wanted to protect her, but no longer could. I immediately wanted to hold her, but couldn't.

"The baby is not going to make it" the words no mother should ever have to hear from a dr. Hearing the words from the dr "her kidneys are starting to shut down, and she is starting to have bleeding in her brain" cut like a knife in my heart. A knife pain that I will forever feel for not having my beautiful Jaylin here with me today. At that moment, I knew what would become of that day. On that day I knew, that would be the day my beautiful little girl would no more be a child here on earth, but an angel in heaven. In saying that, Jaylin became my angel on April 9, 2007 at exactly 10:27 a.m. It is at this time every morning I remember that was the moment she took her last breath and feel my heart breaking in a million pieces.

My world was "shattered" on that day. I say shattered in retrospect to "good" and "bad". Bad because its the day I loss my first child. Good because its the day I knew what it meant to love someone unconditionally. I still to this day thank God. For allowing Jaylin to choose me to be her mother. To continue to carry on after such a terrible loss and be able to be here today. "Easy" that word will never exist in my vocabulary again. There is nothing in this life of such. This world is full of pain, loss. anger, fustration. "Hard" is a better word for life. Ever since the day Jaylin died, I have been trying to make since of my life and have come to the conclusion that I can't. How do I make since of a life that does not include her. She was suppose to be my life right now, but instead She is so many other things that I never imagined she would be. She is my DAGUTHER, my ANGEL, my LOVE, my HEART. Thankfully these are all things that I can carry with me for the rest of my life and pray that one day, we can be together again.