MY SHADOW

Your my shadow. So now I don't feel the need to cry because you will never leave my side. Not a day goes by that I dont think of you and still wish you were here, but I know you are always with me and I will always carry you...OXOXOXOXO Jaylin!!!

I Remember

I Remember

It was 5 years ago. This same day Friday, April 6th 2007. This would be the last day that I would carry you. Neither of us knowing what the next couple of hours would bring. The last day that our hearts beat as one and the last day that I would feel you kick or move inside me. I think back to this day and hold on to that memory that has kept me through these years and knowing that you were destined to only live within my body, heart and soul and not to live with me here on earth. For there were greater plans for you, somebody so perfect and beautiful that could only be called an angel, my angel. Today I celebrate this day, the last day I carried you with me, connected to me which right now you stil remain through LOVE!

Getting back to Blogging!

I know its been forever, but honestly its been very very very hard to write lately. I figured since Jaylin's birthday is coming up soon, I should get back to my blog and atleast try to maintain it. I really enjoy it and officially made the committment to continue it. Jordan's birthday is a couple days away and I can't believe my little boy is turning 3. Where did the time go. Yes I sit and utter amazement at the fact that next month Jaylin would've turned 5 years old! I'll save my thoughts and feeling for that time, but now I just wanted to update my blog and for anyone reading, let them know I'm still here, just lost for words over the past year I guess.

Happy Birthday Jaylin.....4 Years Old!!!

Well, 4 years later, today is her birthday and I must say I can't believe I would've had a 4 year old!!! Hard to believe, but even harder to believe thats its been 4 years since that day she was born. Honestly, this year feels like the very beginning of everything. It feels like when everything first happened. The last 3 years seem like such a blur when trying to remember how I got through her birthday and angel anniversary date. Over the last couple days I think I have experienced every emotion I distinctly remember feeling 4 years ago today. Yesterday though, was a lot harder. Including crying in the car on the way to work and actually being happy that work was distracting enough that I was not able to be dragged into that place. I woke up this morning with a sense of peacefulness about the day and just ok enough to wish my little girl a Happy Birthday. Today I have also thought alot abot mothers who right at this same moment, may be in the hospital delivering babies way too soon just as I did on that day. The feelings I experienced, unfortunately, many mothers are experiencing. Joy mixed with excitement, anxiety, fear and uncertainty. Happy Birthday my special girl! Jaylin, today you would have been 4 years old, there is not a day that goes buy that I don't actually sit and wonder what it would have been like to have you here. There is and will always be a piece of my heart that is missing for you. Years later, I understand that things have to be the way they are, but still do not understand why. I still remember this day 4 years ago, the first time I saw you, feeling so happy that you were born but yet so afraid that you would not make it. I remember as I said my very first words to you, you moved as you knew my voice and felt my heart beating near yours. The touch of your hand wrapped around my finger, still shadows my hand to this day. The smell of you blanket, the strength you had to survive for as long as you did. SO many memories that I wish to hold on to for the rest of my life, so much tme has past yet not enough time to erase the brokeness of my heart from not being able to hold you and sing to you for your birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY LOVE!!! Hoping that you are watching over me and continuing to give me strength to wake up every morning and continue to smile and live without you.

October 15th

Its been too long since I have took some time to visit my blog and write. Part of me has been terrified because writing is when I actually have to visit my feelings and allow them to resurface from whatever place, which is a little hard still. Lets see, its been 3 years, 6 months and 5 days since Jaylin has been gone and yet lately it seems like the pain of it all is slowly creeping from out up under my comfort Zone. Jordan is now 19 months and thriving. He is such a joy and such a handful. There are no words to explain the love I feel for him,

Tomorrow October15th National Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day and thinking of everything I've gone through, I say to myself, how did I really get through the last 3 1/2 years. Remembering Jaylin makes me sad still and I'm a little afraid to allow myself to visit the issue because I don't want to go back into that deep dark place. My beautiful little girl. Remembering how precious she was and wishing that everything could have been different but the reality of it all is that things happened the way they were meant to happen. Knowing still that there was nothing I could do to change the situation and have her here. I still look dawn at the scar from my c section which is also a constatnt reminder of what happened. A scar that is forever a part of me as she is. Physically of course she's not here, spiritually I believe she is everywhere around me but if only I could feel her, touch her, see her open her eyes and look directly at mine.

I guess I look at a brighter side that brought my beautiful little boy here. He showed up exactly 2 years after she left and more than likely if she were here, he probably wouldn't be. I look at him and often wonder would she have looked like him or try and compare the two of them and what it would like to have them both here, and honestly thats the way I would rather have it. That emptines is still there, like something or someone is missing. Often think about another baby, definately a little girl and wondering will that void ever be filled with another little girl one day, but at the same time scared that void will always be there and my heart will always feel a little empty inside.

Jaylin my love, mommy still loves and misses you so much. It still hurts me every time I think about what happened and how you were taken before I even got the chance to see your eyes or hear you cry. You came into this world too soon and just as quick as you came, two days later you were gone. No mother should every have to watch her baby die and the rememberance of that day still haunts my thought and dreams as if it were yesterday. Still I question why did you have to leave so soon, why couldnt you be here with me. I am however grateful for the 2nd chance to get to love again with another baby and the love I feel for him is doubled by the love I feel for you and the pain of loosing you draws the love for Jordan even higher.

So today Jaylin, I remember you and say that I will always remember the 22 weeks, 3 days inside of me you grew and then the 3 days you were here physically and allowed me to feel for the first time, MOTHERHOOD! I love you angel, Rest In peace!!!

Hello!

There's so much to say. Its been a while since posting last. Jordan is getting so big and will be 1 years old on Friday 3-12. I can't believe it's been a year since he was born. It has made me miss Jaylin so much more. Seeing him grow and development just reminds me of everything I missed with her. Mommy still misses you so much angel.

Missing Jaylin

I miss you so much Jaylin. I'm not sure why today or why so much lately. I can't believe it's been 2 years since we said goodbye to you and yet I can still remember it like yesterday watching you struggle to survive and finally having to leave that NICU room. Why couldn't you just have made it. Why did I my cervix have to give way at 22 weeks. I just wish I could have both you and Jordan here with me. He is absolutely beautiful and I know he looks a lot like you. I hope one day I can have another little girl as I know she will never replace you, but mommy's heart still hurts for you and I hope one day I can think of you without feeling so sad.