Back At That Place...

So many days has passed since you were here with me. I can't believe its been 1 year 4 months and 4 days since you were born into this world too soon. As I sit here and still can't believe the things that go through my mind. It seems like everybody is in a different place and has moved on, so many have gotten pregnant and given birth to beautiful healthy babies and I find myself back at that place.

I am now back at the same place I was in before you were ever born. Before I got pregnant with Jaylin, I was in the place of No Hope. I couldn't see the possibility of ever getting pregnant and having a baby. Trying and trying so hard on my own, and nothing. Fighting PCOS with infertility and hoping that God would grant me a miracle and allow me to get pregnant.

Almost 5 years after trying and with the help of a wonderful RE and infertility treatments I finally got pregnant. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted from me and I was on my way to being happy. During those past couple years of trying, I found myself battling depression and unhappiness. Putting on a face became routine and many did not know of my pain.

Now after loosing my daughter and being back at that place of battling infertility with PCOS and now combined with the loss of the beautiful little girl. The pain has greaten as I sit here struggling yet again and know that I cannot go back to my RE anytime soon as the financial struggle of paying for infertility treatments is too much right now.

It only puts me back at the place to say, why should that even be something of concern. To have to save money to pay for infertility treatment to get pregnant, when thats what I as a woman was born to do and when so many women do it naturally every single day, I have to have money to pay to help me conceive.

I am back at that place of loneliness, heartache, sadness, grief and anger. I will pray though. Pray that my heart will not remain heavy. Pray that I will smile again. Pray that the day will come that I will get pregnant and give birth to a healthy baby.

Through It...

Jaylin my love, I miss you so much. I can't believe so much time has gone by and yet I still cry when I think about you. Maybe it's because I have not really moved forward. Maybe its because I still long to feel you near me. I just wish I could turn back the hands of time and not feel the pain I feel in my heart.

This week I looked up at the calender and realized that I would be due to give birth this week to my 2nd child. October 30th 2007 I got BFP after more fertility treatments, I couldnt believe I was pregnant again. Then just two days later on Nov. 1st 2007 It all ended, chemical pregnancy (what)Now looking at the calender and remembering that it would be this week that a healthy baby should be here yet again, and yet again I sit here empty handed and empty hearted.

I can't believe how much I miss you, but I'm getting through it. I try and try and try to continue to get up everyday and remember its a new day and God has something great in my future, but the truth is, I am not sure what I believe anymore. I would like to believe that I will have a baby one day, but the truth is I am just not sure.

I have faith that God will bless us, and maybe this is just a test of my faith. But hasnt my faith been tested. It was tested during the 4 years we tried unsuccessfully. It continued to be tested during all the infertility testing, during the shots, the ultrasounds, the bloodwork and disppointments. Even after the first BFP(finally after 5 years), hearing Jaylins heartbea for the first time. Seeing her on the ultrasound machine. Finding out she was a girl, then seeing her in the NICU fighting for life. Watching her take her last breath, Even then I had faith.

Now I sit here 1 year and almost 3 months after she has been gone and 8 months after the 2nd loss and still try my best to have faith, that yet again God will bless me with another BFP. But I am getting through it. Trying my best everyday and thanking God for the love and support of my husband.

"The only way to get through it, is to get through it"

Just One Of Those Days!!!!!!

Today it is offically 1 year & 2 months since you were born. I miss you so much Jaylin and eventhough time has passed and I continue to move forward, I can't believe how much it still hurts that you are not here with me. I really did not think that by this time a year later, I would be here sitting still not even close to being pregnant again.

I am trying to remain hopeful and know that God has a plan for me, but sometimes I just feel so fustrated and angry. I mean when will I honestly be happy again. I am not asking to win the lottery, though it seems I might have to in order to be able to afford fertility treatments. All I want is to have a living, breathing healthy baby.

I saw a rainbow today which meant you were sending me a big hug and reminder that everything will be ok ONE DAY.

Feeling Down

I sit here and feel such pain as I think about the reality of today. Its been 1 year, 1 month and 5 days since Jaylin has been gone and I still sit here with an empty womb. I sometimes wonder am I being punished for something. We were supposed to start the IUI treatment in March, but doing my appointment, the nurse discovered a cyst on my left ovary.

I could not be given medication or anything to help me conceive during March, and was told I could use an OPK at home, but due to my PCOS I probably won't ovulate anyway. WTF?????? I just don't understand sometmes. It seems like 2 out of 3 dr appts are always filled with sadness, disappontmet, anger and fustration. How many times must I leave the dr office crying because of what they have just told me?

I'm asking for strength. To remain sane, to remain hopefull and to continue to struggle through this journey. I know things are not supposed to be easy all the time, but are they supposed to be hard all time? It seems like everyone around me is either pregnant or have given birth to healthy babies. My cyber friends are great and have really been there for me, I feel so left out from them though.

Most of them are either pregnant, or just recently given birth to babies after having lost one. I know it is a bittersweet time for them, but the time for me is all bitter. I often wonder if God's plan is for Jaylin to be my only child. If I'm meant to have children. Would God honestly give someone a desire so strong to want a child, but not actually give them the opportunity to have them. I pray that the day will come one day soon where I am pregnant again, and the pain that fills my heart will lessen and I can really be happy again.

Mother's Day 1 Year Later...

This sunday will be the 2nd Mother's Day since Jaylin has been gone. Last year it was 1 month and 4 days after she died that I had to deal with the reality of this day. I remember crying most of the day and wishing everyone would stop sending me text messages wishing me a happy day that was only a reminder that I was a Mother, but to a child that was not here.

May 13th 2007 was the date. It was also the day I got my first AF after coming home from the hospital, another reminder that my womb was now empty. Now as I approach this day 1 year later, it feels the same although different. I now welcome the wishes for a Happy Mother's Day for now 1 year later, I am at peace. I know yes I am a mother, just that my child is in heaven.

Yes I am jealous of other women who have children to celebrate with. Yes I wish I could atleast expereince this Mother's Day pregnant and expecting a child, but I sit and grieve on this Mother's Day for the one I lost with no others to share it with.

I really expected to be pregnant again by this time, but as I see it is not a part of God's plan and I am not sure what his plan is, but I pray that its for me to become pregnant again and hopefully to celebrate next year on Mothers day with a living child.

Jaylin My Love, I am sending you a Happy Mother's Day greeting from earth to Heaven
I thank you angel for giving me the chance to experience this Day with great Pain and at this time great peace. Though my heart is aching to experience this day with you, I know on this day in heaven you will think of me and hold my hand as I get through this day without you.

I know I will hear the whisper of your voice just when I feel my heart is too heavy and the pain is far too great. As this day is celebrated for Mothers with earthly children, I will remember that I too am included on Mother's Day, for yes I am a Mother, a Mother to an angel in Heaven.

Love you much,
Mommy

1 Year Later.....

Sitting here 1 year later thinking about the pain I feel today and how it all began. I have thought about this day for so long. Envisioned what it would be like once I made it to this point. I woke up this morning and immediately remembered how I got here. This past year has taught me so much, yet has taken so much away from me. At exactly 10:27 a.m. is when you took your last breath and no longer was here with me physically, at that same moment is when our hearts joined together again.

As long as I live, I will never forget this day. The day my world changed forever. Jaylin mommy misses you so much and it still hurts terribly to think of how you are not here with me. I get so jealous to see other little girls and just oh how I wish I could have you here with me. I continue to remain hopeful that the day will come when we will see each other again. I know there was nothing that I could have done to change what happened, and I have replayed this day over and over and oer again, but it continues to end the same.

People will say "oh things will get better" "you'll be ok" "things happen for a reason" well its easy for someone to say when they have never experienced loosing a child. They compare it to loosing a parent, or a sibling or even a pet. Not to say that loosing any loved one is not hard....But this is how I see it. LOOSING A PET IS HARD, LOOSING A SIBLING IS TRAGIC, LOOSING A PARENT IS THE INEVITABLE, BUT LOOSING A CHILD IS UNATURAL.

As I continue to sit here and reflect on how my life has changed so much this past year, I thank you. Forever wil you be my first child, my first unconditional love. Jaylin, no matter how many years shall pass, how many children I shall give birth to, there will never be another one who shares my heart the way you do. For you are very special, which is why God chose you to come forth to only be with me for a short time and return to him to know what it was like to be an angel, to know what it is like to be loved oh so much by so many people.

You have changed my life in ways no one could ever understand. I take is as my responsibility to parent your memory. For parents with children, the get to parent them everyday, celebrate birthdays, create wonderful memories, but I never had that chance. I was given only the memories of carrying you and seeing and touching you for 3 days and for that I am forever grateful.

Bittersweet is what it is today. As I feel myself getting sad and wanting to shed a tear, I remember that you are here holding my hand, telling me is gonna be ok that Someday we'll be together again. The soul I had before you were born is gone forever. I now carry a new soul. One thats connected to you forever. I pray for strength, I pray for continued Faith that one day soon God will ease my pain of loosing you by blessing me with another child.

Though I am hopeful. Hopeful that I will carry another child to term and they will be born healthy and alive. One that will carry your spirit and they will know that they came forth because of you. Thank you my love for blessing my life with your gift of love, thank you for showing me what unconditional love really is. Thank you for bringing Daddy and me closer than we've ever been. Thank you for allowing my heart to be reborn again 1 year later on this day you went to heaven and became my angel.

Happy Birthday Jaylin!

Happy birthday my angel. I can't believe it's been a year that you were born. At this time last year I was still in recovery fromt the surgery. I remember the events that led to this day. Bleeding sent me to the hospital and being told I was 3.4 cm dialted and you were on your way. You were so active and moving and there was no way you wouldn't be ok.

Little did I know that God had a different plan for you. You made your entrance into this world at 6:05 a.m. this morning and it couldn't have been more bittersweet. At this particular time, I had not wrapped it around my mind that you would indeed pass away just two days later, but yet felt like any other mother on the day they give birth. I wish I could have been awake when you were born. To see you when they first took you from my womb and see you take your first breath. I often wonder what your first moments were like.

1 year later I still miss and grieve for you terribly. My heart continues to feel something missing. As Daddy and I celebrate your birthday today I want you to know that we love you very much and think about you all the time. As we struggle with trying to continue our attempt at becoming parents again, it pains me that I had the opportunity with you and it was taken away from me.

On this day Jaylin, we celebrate your life. I wonder the things you would be doing today. We would have a party with cake and icecream. To see you smile and light up as we gather to wish you a happy birthday. Instead we must celebrate with only a memory and a wish that you could have been here to see it. I pray for strength to get through this day with a smile on my face knowing that you are in heaven celebrating with us and thinking of us, sending us peace that you are in a better place and are doing ok.

Love,
Mommy