A NEW BEGINNING!!!

I have prolonged this post for so long, now it is finally time to bite the bullet and post it. Today WHERE DO I BEGIN? I am currently 23 weeks pregnant with my second child. It's been so long since I last posted a blog and I thought I should finally announce it to my blog readers just in case someone was interested. I discovered I was pregnant on Sept. 16, 2008 after a routine office visit on Sept. 11, 2008 for my yearly pap smear. I expressed my concerned to the dr about AF not coming since July 2, 2008 after it had been regular for so long.

I wasn't that concerned about it not coming as with my PCOS I am very irregular. I was sent to the lab for bloodwork just to run some test. I got the call a week later and immediately started shaking in disbelief. Holy Shhhhht, could this be true. I immediately called my husband from work who did not believe me. I closed my eyes and thanked God for this miracle I still don't believe. For some reason at that time, I thought "this can't be true".

Fast forward to my first prenatal visit and the calculations of my due date. April 9, 2009(what) for all of you who don't remember, April 9, 2009 is the day Jaylin passed away. That means this baby will be due on the 2 year anniversary of her death. I nearly fell off my chair with this news. This calculation was based on the date of my last menstrual period of 07/02/08 which I thought for sure were incorrect because that would put me at about 3 months.

My dr then scheduled an ultrasound for the following week. There was no way I could wait that long. This was on a Friday. That night my husband and I went to the Er. I just had to get an ultrasound stat to see where we were. Blood was taken and my hcg results were back 52, 865 WOW. I was wheeled in for an ultrasound and I was not prepared for what I saw on the screen. There he was, oh so beautiful and an actual baby. Moving and jumping around, I felt my heart completely stop. 12 weeks and 3 days exactly.

I prolonged posting this as I wanted to make it to the gestational age where Jaylin was born. 1 week later at 23 weeks I am so proud and so blessed to have made it this far and have no doubt that this baby will be born healthy and strong. I had my cervical cerclage done on Oct. 7, 2008 at 14 weeks and things have been going well. I see my regular OB who is great and a Perinatalogist every 4 weeks to check the baby's growth and my cervical length which was 4.9 cm on 11/24/08.

His name is Jordan Emory Thompson and I am so in love with him. on 11/24 he weighed 14oz and is going to be a big boy. I still can't believe that I was pregnant for 3 months and didn't even know it. I can't believe I got pregnant on my own. Me, not me I never thought this would be, but know that God works when he works. When I think about him and everything I have overcome to get to this point, I start to cry and am completely overwhelmed with joy. I see him here. I see me holding him and staring at him with amazement.

Thank God. Thank you so much for giving me the strength to get through the pain and tears that led me to this joyous moment. Thank you for another week with Jordan and for keeping him safe. Thank you most of all to Jaylin my love. I know this was all your doing along with God. You too worked it out and sent Jordan to Mommy and Daddy to heal our broken hearts. Jaylin my love, Mommy still misses you so much and can't believe I will be celebrating your birthday and remembering your passing with Jordan hear to dry my tears and remember that you are watching. My heart no longers hearts with pain, but is now separated with such joy and such peace that I finally accept and understand that this was always the plan. I will never know exactly why you came and left for such a short time, but understand that if you had not, Jordan would not be coming.

Thank you Jaylin and know that you will always be my first born, my beautiful little girl. I think of you and I smile and the lessons you taught me and continue to teach me with each day.

Feeling

I'm just feeling like everything is against me. Is it really too much to ask to just be happy? I am just trying to remember what that feels like and at what point in my life could I remember being happy. I can't also remember what it feels like to not be in constant emotional pain. Seems like emotionally I have always been unhappy and I don't think anyone really knows it. I have constantly been asked on occasion, "whats wrong" "Is everything ok" they say your face never lies and it shows what your heart is feeling.

I don't know how to apologize for this. I sometimes feel like it is unfair to those who have to be around me. I can honestly think it started from feeling isolated due to infertility. In my community being a minority african american women, there aren't many others who are in my situation who are young, married and actually trying to get pregnant and have a family. I mostly come across girls and women who get pregnant accidentally, many women who find themselves pregnant and have abortions, or women who use birth control hoping and praying to never have children.

Being surrounded in this environment isolates me in my feeling of depressed, grief and anger. Who can I talk to, who can I relate to. I have not been able to find support groups in my community where I can go talk about my feeling and talk through what I am going through. The pain sometimes consumes me. Now just not infertility, but also the pain of loosing my first child, and sometimes feels like the only child I will ever have.

Feeling like the pain will never go away and I will never be happy again. What can I do? Who do I turn to...

Pain: Infertility, Loss & More Infertility...

The definition of pain. Physical, emotional, mental pain. There is no definition to describe the pain of loosing a child. I can't even begin to understand how it is that I am sitting here typing this when I am in so much pain. It started with the pain of infertility. The pain of infertility is great that it is one that you will never soon forget. I thought it was permanently gone from me, but as I sit her still dealing with the pain of loss, I am dealing with the pain of loss and infertility.

How do I combine the two. As I attempted to allow them both to be as they are, I find myself nearly in a state of depression. I try to wake up, not think about it and go about each day, but honestly it's a lie. How could I possibly think that I could block out what my mind is thinking when my heart is feeling the exact same thing.

I'm trying. Trying to remember that things will be better, but do I really believe that? I pray...Constantly to not allow myself to complete go back to that place, but the truth is, I'm there. I don't want to be though. I want to be happy. As far back as I could remember I have always wanted to be happy, but why must the things I want to make me happy, be so hard to come by.

Hopefully, one day soon I could atleast be on my way. I just wish I didn't have to allow myself to be back dealing with infertility yet again, when I have successfully been out of this place. SO is this considered secondary infertility, but no...because secondary infertility is when you have had a successful pregnancy and having trouble conceiving the 2nd time around. SO what do you call it when you spent almost 5 years having trouble conceiving, get pregnant with treatment, loose your baby after a perfect pregnancy due to pre term labor and IC, then have more trouble conceiving for 4 more months, get pregnant again with treatment, have a chemical pregnancy, do treatments again that dont work and sit here 8 months later and still have trouble. I just call it THE PAIN OF INFERTILITY LOSS AND MORE INFERTILITY

Back At That Place...

So many days has passed since you were here with me. I can't believe its been 1 year 4 months and 4 days since you were born into this world too soon. As I sit here and still can't believe the things that go through my mind. It seems like everybody is in a different place and has moved on, so many have gotten pregnant and given birth to beautiful healthy babies and I find myself back at that place.

I am now back at the same place I was in before you were ever born. Before I got pregnant with Jaylin, I was in the place of No Hope. I couldn't see the possibility of ever getting pregnant and having a baby. Trying and trying so hard on my own, and nothing. Fighting PCOS with infertility and hoping that God would grant me a miracle and allow me to get pregnant.

Almost 5 years after trying and with the help of a wonderful RE and infertility treatments I finally got pregnant. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted from me and I was on my way to being happy. During those past couple years of trying, I found myself battling depression and unhappiness. Putting on a face became routine and many did not know of my pain.

Now after loosing my daughter and being back at that place of battling infertility with PCOS and now combined with the loss of the beautiful little girl. The pain has greaten as I sit here struggling yet again and know that I cannot go back to my RE anytime soon as the financial struggle of paying for infertility treatments is too much right now.

It only puts me back at the place to say, why should that even be something of concern. To have to save money to pay for infertility treatment to get pregnant, when thats what I as a woman was born to do and when so many women do it naturally every single day, I have to have money to pay to help me conceive.

I am back at that place of loneliness, heartache, sadness, grief and anger. I will pray though. Pray that my heart will not remain heavy. Pray that I will smile again. Pray that the day will come that I will get pregnant and give birth to a healthy baby.

Through It...

Jaylin my love, I miss you so much. I can't believe so much time has gone by and yet I still cry when I think about you. Maybe it's because I have not really moved forward. Maybe its because I still long to feel you near me. I just wish I could turn back the hands of time and not feel the pain I feel in my heart.

This week I looked up at the calender and realized that I would be due to give birth this week to my 2nd child. October 30th 2007 I got BFP after more fertility treatments, I couldnt believe I was pregnant again. Then just two days later on Nov. 1st 2007 It all ended, chemical pregnancy (what)Now looking at the calender and remembering that it would be this week that a healthy baby should be here yet again, and yet again I sit here empty handed and empty hearted.

I can't believe how much I miss you, but I'm getting through it. I try and try and try to continue to get up everyday and remember its a new day and God has something great in my future, but the truth is, I am not sure what I believe anymore. I would like to believe that I will have a baby one day, but the truth is I am just not sure.

I have faith that God will bless us, and maybe this is just a test of my faith. But hasnt my faith been tested. It was tested during the 4 years we tried unsuccessfully. It continued to be tested during all the infertility testing, during the shots, the ultrasounds, the bloodwork and disppointments. Even after the first BFP(finally after 5 years), hearing Jaylins heartbea for the first time. Seeing her on the ultrasound machine. Finding out she was a girl, then seeing her in the NICU fighting for life. Watching her take her last breath, Even then I had faith.

Now I sit here 1 year and almost 3 months after she has been gone and 8 months after the 2nd loss and still try my best to have faith, that yet again God will bless me with another BFP. But I am getting through it. Trying my best everyday and thanking God for the love and support of my husband.

"The only way to get through it, is to get through it"

Just One Of Those Days!!!!!!

Today it is offically 1 year & 2 months since you were born. I miss you so much Jaylin and eventhough time has passed and I continue to move forward, I can't believe how much it still hurts that you are not here with me. I really did not think that by this time a year later, I would be here sitting still not even close to being pregnant again.

I am trying to remain hopeful and know that God has a plan for me, but sometimes I just feel so fustrated and angry. I mean when will I honestly be happy again. I am not asking to win the lottery, though it seems I might have to in order to be able to afford fertility treatments. All I want is to have a living, breathing healthy baby.

I saw a rainbow today which meant you were sending me a big hug and reminder that everything will be ok ONE DAY.

Feeling Down

I sit here and feel such pain as I think about the reality of today. Its been 1 year, 1 month and 5 days since Jaylin has been gone and I still sit here with an empty womb. I sometimes wonder am I being punished for something. We were supposed to start the IUI treatment in March, but doing my appointment, the nurse discovered a cyst on my left ovary.

I could not be given medication or anything to help me conceive during March, and was told I could use an OPK at home, but due to my PCOS I probably won't ovulate anyway. WTF?????? I just don't understand sometmes. It seems like 2 out of 3 dr appts are always filled with sadness, disappontmet, anger and fustration. How many times must I leave the dr office crying because of what they have just told me?

I'm asking for strength. To remain sane, to remain hopefull and to continue to struggle through this journey. I know things are not supposed to be easy all the time, but are they supposed to be hard all time? It seems like everyone around me is either pregnant or have given birth to healthy babies. My cyber friends are great and have really been there for me, I feel so left out from them though.

Most of them are either pregnant, or just recently given birth to babies after having lost one. I know it is a bittersweet time for them, but the time for me is all bitter. I often wonder if God's plan is for Jaylin to be my only child. If I'm meant to have children. Would God honestly give someone a desire so strong to want a child, but not actually give them the opportunity to have them. I pray that the day will come one day soon where I am pregnant again, and the pain that fills my heart will lessen and I can really be happy again.