Getting back to Blogging!

I know its been forever, but honestly its been very very very hard to write lately. I figured since Jaylin's birthday is coming up soon, I should get back to my blog and atleast try to maintain it. I really enjoy it and officially made the committment to continue it. Jordan's birthday is a couple days away and I can't believe my little boy is turning 3. Where did the time go. Yes I sit and utter amazement at the fact that next month Jaylin would've turned 5 years old! I'll save my thoughts and feeling for that time, but now I just wanted to update my blog and for anyone reading, let them know I'm still here, just lost for words over the past year I guess.

Happy Birthday Jaylin.....4 Years Old!!!

Well, 4 years later, today is her birthday and I must say I can't believe I would've had a 4 year old!!! Hard to believe, but even harder to believe thats its been 4 years since that day she was born. Honestly, this year feels like the very beginning of everything. It feels like when everything first happened. The last 3 years seem like such a blur when trying to remember how I got through her birthday and angel anniversary date. Over the last couple days I think I have experienced every emotion I distinctly remember feeling 4 years ago today. Yesterday though, was a lot harder. Including crying in the car on the way to work and actually being happy that work was distracting enough that I was not able to be dragged into that place. I woke up this morning with a sense of peacefulness about the day and just ok enough to wish my little girl a Happy Birthday. Today I have also thought alot abot mothers who right at this same moment, may be in the hospital delivering babies way too soon just as I did on that day. The feelings I experienced, unfortunately, many mothers are experiencing. Joy mixed with excitement, anxiety, fear and uncertainty. Happy Birthday my special girl! Jaylin, today you would have been 4 years old, there is not a day that goes buy that I don't actually sit and wonder what it would have been like to have you here. There is and will always be a piece of my heart that is missing for you. Years later, I understand that things have to be the way they are, but still do not understand why. I still remember this day 4 years ago, the first time I saw you, feeling so happy that you were born but yet so afraid that you would not make it. I remember as I said my very first words to you, you moved as you knew my voice and felt my heart beating near yours. The touch of your hand wrapped around my finger, still shadows my hand to this day. The smell of you blanket, the strength you had to survive for as long as you did. SO many memories that I wish to hold on to for the rest of my life, so much tme has past yet not enough time to erase the brokeness of my heart from not being able to hold you and sing to you for your birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY LOVE!!! Hoping that you are watching over me and continuing to give me strength to wake up every morning and continue to smile and live without you.

October 15th

Its been too long since I have took some time to visit my blog and write. Part of me has been terrified because writing is when I actually have to visit my feelings and allow them to resurface from whatever place, which is a little hard still. Lets see, its been 3 years, 6 months and 5 days since Jaylin has been gone and yet lately it seems like the pain of it all is slowly creeping from out up under my comfort Zone. Jordan is now 19 months and thriving. He is such a joy and such a handful. There are no words to explain the love I feel for him,

Tomorrow October15th National Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day and thinking of everything I've gone through, I say to myself, how did I really get through the last 3 1/2 years. Remembering Jaylin makes me sad still and I'm a little afraid to allow myself to visit the issue because I don't want to go back into that deep dark place. My beautiful little girl. Remembering how precious she was and wishing that everything could have been different but the reality of it all is that things happened the way they were meant to happen. Knowing still that there was nothing I could do to change the situation and have her here. I still look dawn at the scar from my c section which is also a constatnt reminder of what happened. A scar that is forever a part of me as she is. Physically of course she's not here, spiritually I believe she is everywhere around me but if only I could feel her, touch her, see her open her eyes and look directly at mine.

I guess I look at a brighter side that brought my beautiful little boy here. He showed up exactly 2 years after she left and more than likely if she were here, he probably wouldn't be. I look at him and often wonder would she have looked like him or try and compare the two of them and what it would like to have them both here, and honestly thats the way I would rather have it. That emptines is still there, like something or someone is missing. Often think about another baby, definately a little girl and wondering will that void ever be filled with another little girl one day, but at the same time scared that void will always be there and my heart will always feel a little empty inside.

Jaylin my love, mommy still loves and misses you so much. It still hurts me every time I think about what happened and how you were taken before I even got the chance to see your eyes or hear you cry. You came into this world too soon and just as quick as you came, two days later you were gone. No mother should every have to watch her baby die and the rememberance of that day still haunts my thought and dreams as if it were yesterday. Still I question why did you have to leave so soon, why couldnt you be here with me. I am however grateful for the 2nd chance to get to love again with another baby and the love I feel for him is doubled by the love I feel for you and the pain of loosing you draws the love for Jordan even higher.

So today Jaylin, I remember you and say that I will always remember the 22 weeks, 3 days inside of me you grew and then the 3 days you were here physically and allowed me to feel for the first time, MOTHERHOOD! I love you angel, Rest In peace!!!

Hello!

There's so much to say. Its been a while since posting last. Jordan is getting so big and will be 1 years old on Friday 3-12. I can't believe it's been a year since he was born. It has made me miss Jaylin so much more. Seeing him grow and development just reminds me of everything I missed with her. Mommy still misses you so much angel.

Missing Jaylin

I miss you so much Jaylin. I'm not sure why today or why so much lately. I can't believe it's been 2 years since we said goodbye to you and yet I can still remember it like yesterday watching you struggle to survive and finally having to leave that NICU room. Why couldn't you just have made it. Why did I my cervix have to give way at 22 weeks. I just wish I could have both you and Jordan here with me. He is absolutely beautiful and I know he looks a lot like you. I hope one day I can have another little girl as I know she will never replace you, but mommy's heart still hurts for you and I hope one day I can think of you without feeling so sad.

A New Leaf!

It's been a little while since I have been here. I guess I can say I have been busy. So much times has gone by and yet I still miss you so much. I first want to thank you for sending your little brother to me and daddy. He is 3 months old now and absolutely beautiful. I look at him and just stare at the amazement that is he. I also look at him and its bittersweet as I think about you and knowing this is what I missed out on with you.

I won't say I wish I can change what happen anymore. If I had not had you and had you not went to heaven, I wouldn't have Jordan. I now know that things were meant to be the way they are. He was the one who was meant to be here with mommy and daddy. I stare at him and can't believe everything we went through to get him here. It's funny, because once he came, I still felt that emptiness that is you. Even now today, I still miss you and wish you were here. I think about if you had lived, I would have a 2 year old and a newborn. Oh how busy would I be.

Now that Jordan is 3 months old, I can think about is having a little girl. Most people don't dare think about having another baby so soon, and I'm not saying that is what I want today, but I want a little girl because I want a daughter and also because I lost my little girl.

Jaylin mommy still misses you so much and wonder if you would have looked like Jordan does. He looks a lot like me when I was his age but also looks a lot like daddy. The pain that once corrupted my heart 100% now still exists only in part. It has mainly been replaced by the joy of being a mother to my beautiful son that is your brother. Thank you my love. I will miss you forever.

Love Always,
Mommy

Happy Birthday Jaylin!!!

You would be 2 years old. Mommy can't believe it's also been 2 years since I said goodbye to you. I miss you so much Jaylin and wish you were here. I know things have to be the way they are and am so thankful that I got to spend 3 days with you. I also want to thank you for sending me your baby brother. His name is Jordan Emory and he is beautiful. I am so in love with him and am so happy that he arrived safe and sound.

Time has gone by so much and I am in a different place with my pain. I still ache for you today as I think about the things you would be doing, but know that you are in heaven and in a better place.

I love you Jaylin and Happy birthday baby girl.

Love always,
Mommy