Going Into A New Year...To Jaylin

Today as 2007 comes to a close and we welcome a new year, I feel sad. It's like I am saying goodbye to you all over again. I can't believe it's been almost 9 months that you have been gone. I still ache to hold you, my beautiful little girl, and my heart still hurts from the pain of you leaving. I have finally put your pictures in a frame and have them out for everyone to see. I have been thinking about you so much lately and can't believe how deep the feelings of pain and grief are at this point.

As I go through the rest of this day and tomorrow brings a new year, I hope. I hope for a better 2008 then 2007 and wonder what surprises the next year will bring. Last year at this time I was 6 weeks pregnant and looking forward to the best year of my life, but things changed. I now am not sure what to look forward to for the next year. I wish to continue to take it one day at a time through my journey of getting through the rest of my life without you.

I still dream about you and in all my dreams, you are alive and doing well, and when I wake up I just want to go back to sleep forever. Sleeping brings me closer to you and I would give anything to have those moments back where you were here and I could feel you and touch you and hold you near. Instead, all I have are memories. Pictures of you that tell me you were here.

It still pains me deeply and I am afraid I will never get to experience the love we shared with another baby. I pray for strength to get through each and everyday. I pray that God will bless us again to become parents to another child, but so far, it's been so hard. I miss you Jaylin, and I know things have to be the way they are, and no matter how much I cry, no matter how much I wish, you will never be here and I must understand that you have to be where you are.

So Happy New Year, my angel, and no that I love you so much and will forever carry you with me, and I look forward to the day when we can be together again.

Love Always,
Mommy

Happy Birthday To Me!

Today as I welcome my 28th birthday, I am thankful to see another year. The day started off with a beautiful card and breakfast from my husband, and I wondered. I wondered if Jaylin thought of me today. Then on the way to breakfast she sent me a sign. The most beautiful rainbow, and there it was, my sign that my beautiful little girl was in heaven and thought of me today.

I only pray that this year be filled with the joys and happiness of many wonderful things to come, and an even bigger chance to re write all the negative things I will leave behind at the age of 27. I have come to the place where I no longer think about what I should have done by now. There are many things I thought I would have accomplised and one of those is being a mother.

I really expected by this time this year that I would have a kicking and screaming baby. Instead, I sit here thinking and remembering what little time I spent with her. At first I hoped to be pregnant again by my due date, then before this year would be over, and now I hope to be pregnant by Jaylin's first birthday. But honestly, none of this matters. I just really hope to be pregnant soon and whatever soon means, it just means.

I hope it's not too long, but I have to understand that I have no control over it and there is nothing I can do but be patient and wait on the Lord. I am happy that I made it to another birthday and wish for many many more to come. But only that from here on out, the next birthday be filled with the love and happiness of being a mother.

Jaylin, I miss you!

At this moment as I am sitting here, I am thinking about Jaylin. It seems no matter how much time passes by, just when I think I am doing ok and am able to really get through each and everyday without her, it hits me. It hits me that my beautiful little girl is not here and my heart is still breaking. I still wish there was something I could say or do to bring her back.

Jaylin my love, mommy still misses you.
I am trying so hard to go through each day without you.
Still praying and asking God for strength to live without you.
Knowing that my tears, and my pain only proves it true,
that you died and went to heaven and there is nothing I can do.

Still sad and in pain that you were not meant to be,
Feeling like there is something I'm not seeing, something there I can't see.
Jaylin, I want you to know I love you so much and please help me continue to be,
Continue to be strong for you, continue to be happy you were here for 3 days,
Continue to have hope that one day I will get pregnant again and will finally hold a baby in my arms.

Just Being Angry!

I am just angry at so many things right now. Where do I begin to bring some happiness back into my life. Things are so crazy right now and all I want to do is just go somewhere and never come back. As my birthday and approaches in less than 2 weeks, I can't help but feel time slipping away from me. Sometimes I wish I could have three wishes in this life and have them come true.

I lost my job on yesterday. I knew one day it would catch up with me. Like before, doctors appointments and dealing with this infertility issue caused me to miss a lot of time from work and it came to the point where my employers could no longer accept it. I just hate how this affects my life so much. No one understands just how much of yourself suffers when you are dealing with infertility.

So now I find myself yet again with no job and feeling added stress. I just wish money was something I didnt have to worry about, but it is. Where do I go from here. It seems like the life I have now will make a big change soon. There are a couple things I want to do, but how can I? I want to go back to school so badly, and have discovered that I can do so online, but how can we afford to pay for it now that we only have one income.

I wish I could not worry about going to the doctor to get pregnant and just lean on the hope that it will happen on its own. I have spent too many years just praying and hoping it would happen and it never did. How can I go through the rest of my life and not deal with infertility. I had no idea that this would cause this much inconveinence in my life.

I am just angry at the fact that it seems like my life is going no where and I can't move ahead. I am just angry that there is added strss within my marriage because I now leave the major responsibility with my husband in taking care of all the bills and responsibilities and there is nothing I can contribute. I am just angry at the fact that I have chosen to stay home for awhile that way I can be flexible with my time leaving my mornings open for doctors appointments.

Who knows where this road of infertility will lead me. Will I ever be happy? Will I ever be able to move forward with my life? Will I have to one day except the fact that maybe Jaylin was my only child I would have. I pray she wasn't but who knows. No one understands just how I really feel on the inside. If people only could see my sould and see my inside emotions, someone would desparately want ot save me from myself.

On the outside I look happy. On the outside I look content, on the outside I look like I have everyting together, but on the inside I am dying. I pray everyday. I pray for God to give me the strength to make it through each and everyday. I pray to not let infertility define who I am, but truthfully it does. It defines who I am as a person, and who I am as a woman.

I am just angry at the fact that whenever I see a pregnant person, I ache inside. I am just angry at the fact that when I see babies or little children I feel sad on the inside. But no one knows this. I guess I could say I do a pretty good job of hiding it, but honestly its how I feel. I shouldn't pretend to not feel this way when I do. I am just angry at the fact that 8 months ago, I was pregnant and it was the happiest time of my life but yet I sit here with no baby.

I guess I'm just being angry at the fact that Jaylin is not here and my arms ache to hold her. I guess I am just being angry at the fact that I wish she was here laughing, playing and enjoying her first Christmas but she's not. I guess I am just being angry at the fact that I want to be pregnant again and it hurts that I have been trying and have yet to succeed. I guess I am just being angry that on the 2nd round of treatment I got pregnant and then had a chemical pregnancy. I guess I am just being angry at my body for not responding to this last round of treatment and putting me back at square one with not knowing whats going to happen next......

This Holiday Season...

It's officially the holiday season and I can't help but miss Jaylin so much. I decorated the christmas tree on Saturday and Halfway through, I borke down and started crying. Everything had been going fine, then all of a sudden I started thinking "Jaylin should be here watching me decorate the tree" and I could no longer contain myself. It was a very emotional moment for me, but I allowed this moment to be what it was and allowed myself to cry and get it out.

After about 20 minutes, I was finally able to peel myself up off of the kitchen floor and continue decorating. As we move closer and closer to Christmas, it just pains me that I dont have an almost 4 month old daughter to celebrate with. I also was able to get most of my Christmas shopping done this weekend and am so happy about that. Christmas has always been my favorite holiday, and I have always enjoyed Christmas shopping for my family, especially my niece and nephews.

As I did my shopping on Saturday at Target, I inadvertantly found myself strolling by the infant section. Everyone who knows me knows how much I love Winnie The Pooh, and as I passed the section that Target has with Winnie The Pooh infant apparel, I could not stop myself from going over and admiring the Baby's 1st Christmas outfits. I showed them to my husband and we both just smiled at the thought of buying this for Jaylin.

I am so glad I was able to get through this weekend and decorate the Christmas tree which holds the beautiful ornament I have for Jaylin. I love just looking at the tree as the ornament shines through the lights on the tree. I know Jaylin loves it as well and is proud of the great job I dId. Thursday will mark 8 months since she was born and Sunday will mark 8 months that she died, I am really beginning to be "ok". The closer I get to a year of my life changing, everything seems to become more clearer to me. My birthday is in two weeks as well as Christmas, and though it pains me to face this day without my beautiful little girl, I look forward to the holiday because it still is my favorite time of year.

Its when we celebrate the birth of Christ and know that "it's the reason for the season". I look forward to the year coming to an end, as I know that God has a better plan for me for the new year of 2008 and I will pray, thank him, and have faith in him that he has my beautiful little girl there with him in heaven and she will enjoy this holiday season along with me.

Everyday Is A New Day....

"Everyday is a new day" is what I often think to myself. This phrase helps me wake up each morning and know that today will be better than yesterday was. I started a gratitude journal in hopes of being able to look at myself and those closes to me and be thankful for them. In doing this, I find myself constantly being grateful for everyday.

I also realize that no matter how much time goes by, I will forever want Jaylin to be here with me. There is not a day that goes by that I dont find myself thinking about her, then take that moment and just reflect on what she meant to me and what she has brought to my life. I find it so funny everytime I say I miss her though. It's like how can I miss someone who I didn't share lots of memories with? I only knew her for the time I carried her, and the time she was born and lived. It's funny the things often feel and think of.

It just goes to show how strong the bond is between a mother and her unborn child. From the moment we discover we are pregnant, our hearts open up to something new. It opens and remains open to receive joy, love, and happiness for this new life growing inside us. I compare this to the same feelings that we have for God our father. We love him, have faith in him, believe in him and feel nothing but joy and happiness for him. But how do we feel such a thing for someone whom we cannot see and have never seen.

As with being pregnant, you can't see you unborn child, but feel them. We don't see God, but we feel him. We feel the unconditional love for our unborn child, as we do for God. The connection between us as a mothers is that as of people with God. I do believe thats what make the pain of loosing such a love so unbearable. Just imagine one day if you woke up and didn't feel the love God has for us. If you woke up one day and suddenly felt alone and in pain and had no idea what it felt like to have God in your life. The thought alone is unthinkable.

It brings me solace to know the unconditional love, joy and happiness that I feel for Jaylin is the same love, joy and happiness that I feel for God and knowing that she is in heaven with him brings a comfort to my heart that is enough to get me through the rest of my life. When the pain is arise, when the sorrow of loosing her seems to rise above me emtionally, I must remember that there is a greater lesson here. I have come to realize that "it's not the things that happen to us in our life that determine who we are", but it's "how we deal with the things that happen in our life that determine who we are". I have come to realize that bad things happen in our life to shape and make us into better people. Just think that if nothing bad ever happened to us in our lives, how would we know how to trust, love, protect and forgive. It is the bad things in our lived that shape the happiness we feel when good things happen.

We were created as people and put here in this world of sin. Being in this world comes with many many lessons to be learned. I dont believe we can go through life without pain and disappointment. But I do believe that how we deal with the pain and disappointment shows what lessons we have learned. I just wonder if the day will ever come when I will wake up and not feel the pain of loosing my baby. I wonder if the day will ever come where I wake up and not want her to be here with me. I wonder if I will ever wake up and not feel my arms ache to hold her.

"Everyday is a new day" is what I will continue to say to myself and know that with each and everyday, things will get better. I will continue to look deep within myself and know that everything happens not for a reason, but happens just as it should, as it is all apart of God's ultimate plan for our lives. Will we know why? maybe not, but we will understand why someday.

What Happens, Happens!

I can't believe it's been almost 8 months since I have been pregnant and had Jaylin. It seems like only yesterday my world changed forever. Time really does fly by without you even realizing it. For many many years now I have dealt with pain and suffering through my journey of infertility, and right now on my so called "time out" from all of it, this feeling is all to familar. Every year that we would try month after month and nothing would happen, I would get fustrated and just give up and not want to try anymore. I got so tired of going through each month and no period but still trying and hoping that God would grant me a miracle.

Looking back, I had no idea when I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, that it meant I would have trouble getting pregnant. I knew it meant it caused a hormonal imbalance in my body that prevented me from ovulating, but I had no idea the magnitude of how it would affect me. I continued to try month after month just praying for a miracle. None came and eventually my hope was gone. Through it all my husband continued to remind me that "it will happen". Even going through the fertility treatments for the first time, I was not sure if I really believed it would work.

So when I discovered I was pregnant, I really couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe that after everything we had been through over the years, we were finally being blessed with our miracle baby. But something changed. What happened? Why did this blessing turn into such a trajedy? I was happy. I thanked God for allowing me the opportunity to be pregnant, so why did all of a sudden it was not meant to be anymore.

I will never forget the events that lead me to write this blog. I continue to replay them over and over in my mind, to remember. I continue to want to remember the pain, for somehow the pain keeps me close to Jaylin. There are still a million things I would do differently had I been given another chance. The events that lead me to write this blog will forever be a part of my life and so will she.

I often find myself jealous. Jealous of other pregnant women. When I see them, oh how I wish it were me. Though I am often envious of pregnant women, I am more envious and jealous of women who are able to conceive and get pregnant on their own without medical interventional. It really pains me that I can't just get pregnant on my own just by looking at my husband. We often jok about how much we love each other and wish that we could conceive our child on our own.

The pain of not being able to do this is almost too unbearable for words. Though I know there are many women who can get pregnant and continue to have multiple miscarriages. Not saying that my situation is even worse than theirs, but being able to get pregnant is by far the greatest blessing. If you can conceive on your own, then you can continue to try God forbid if something happens. But what happens when you go through fertility treatments to get pregnant after trying for so long, then loose your baby at a time during the pregnancy where you would dare expect something to happen, then find yourself back where you started with more fertility treatments to help you concieve again?

Going back to my fertility specialist the second time around brought on so many emotions for me. I couldn't believe I was back at this office where I had just been the previous year. I can't explain the feelings I had when the specialist office called me the day before to find out why I was returning to them so soon (after all the last time they say me I was 7 weeks pregnant). having to tell them what happen and hear how "sorry they were". Knowing that I would have to yet again go through more treatment after giving it a try on our own for 4 months and nothing.

What happens when after undergoing another round of treatment, and for just 24 hours I got to be happy to get a positive pregnancy test. Halloween, October 31st 2007 was another happy day for me in a long time. The digital clear blue easy home pregnancy test."Pregnant" were the words across the screen. I found myself yet again taking a sigh of relief as I couldn't believe I was finally going to be happy and feel life within my womb. It was at that moment in the bathrooom that I placed my hand on belly and said to this new life forthcoming "you have no idea how much I loved you".

This baby would be special. This baby would be the one to show me that God did not forget me. That eventhough he took away my beautiful miracle baby, he did make sure to bless me yet again with another. The emotions that overcame me, I can't seem to put into words. The hopes, the dreams, the things to do differently this time around. I accepted that ok, my lesson was learned when Jaylin died, and now it was my turn to be the mother I had always dreamed of being. Knowing that I was given another chance and yet again, I thanked God.

What happens when just the very next day at the dr office when my hcg levels were checked, and I discover that they are only 5.4 and this pregnancy will not progress. Chemical Pregnancy. What? How could this be. I had just thanked God for this new baby, just prayed and accepted that Jaylin was gone and that I could begin a new with another one. My heart yet again fell into a million pieces. For whatever reason I found myself into a category I could not understand. Most chemical pregnancies happen in first pregnancied and there was no explanation for it.

What could I do? But accept it for what it was and move on. At that moment I just said "you know what, this is bad, but if I could get through loosing Jaylin, then this is ok". On to another month of treatment. Nov. 4, 2007 is when cycle of treatment #3 started and we found ourselves back on this rollercoaster of trying to become parents.

What happens when this month, nothing happens. When the treatment I had so much faith in and helped me conceive and get pregnant twice, stops working. When my body decided to say it didn't want to work any longer and just sort of haulted. Now I found myself in the middle of a month, in the middle of a cycle of treatment that didn't work. I now have an injection of a HCG "trigger shot" sitting in the fridge that I look at every single day and will not get use. So now it sits there looking back at me. Me looking at it as it was my hope for my next pregnancy.

What happens now that the dr wants to sit down and discuss a more aggressive form of treatment. Agressive? In other words more invasive, more expensive, more demanding. What do we do? What do we do when we want to do everything remotely possible to get pregnant. What guarantees do we have that things will work out. How do we know we can afford this again. How do I know I won't loose my job due to too much time away from work for dr appointments.

What happens when my dr appt falls 2 1/2 months away and there is nothing I can do but wait. Wait to even try and attempt to get pregnant. When the rest of the world is continuing to move through their daily lives and I feel stuck. When those I know who are pregnant will continue to grow each and everyday and I pray for happy healthy babies for them, but wish the same for myself.

I know what happens. I take it one day at a time. One hour at a time, one minute at a time. I pray for God to give me the strength to continue to get through the things that have paved the way for me through my journey over the last 4 1/2 years. I look to the future and know that it holds great things for me. I hold dear the things around me i.e. my husband, family and friends. I think about Jaylin and know that she is where she is supposed to be and she was only meant to be here for the time she was and she was chosen to be my daughter to teach me lesson I continue to learn everyday.