October 15th

Its been too long since I have took some time to visit my blog and write. Part of me has been terrified because writing is when I actually have to visit my feelings and allow them to resurface from whatever place, which is a little hard still. Lets see, its been 3 years, 6 months and 5 days since Jaylin has been gone and yet lately it seems like the pain of it all is slowly creeping from out up under my comfort Zone. Jordan is now 19 months and thriving. He is such a joy and such a handful. There are no words to explain the love I feel for him,

Tomorrow October15th National Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day and thinking of everything I've gone through, I say to myself, how did I really get through the last 3 1/2 years. Remembering Jaylin makes me sad still and I'm a little afraid to allow myself to visit the issue because I don't want to go back into that deep dark place. My beautiful little girl. Remembering how precious she was and wishing that everything could have been different but the reality of it all is that things happened the way they were meant to happen. Knowing still that there was nothing I could do to change the situation and have her here. I still look dawn at the scar from my c section which is also a constatnt reminder of what happened. A scar that is forever a part of me as she is. Physically of course she's not here, spiritually I believe she is everywhere around me but if only I could feel her, touch her, see her open her eyes and look directly at mine.

I guess I look at a brighter side that brought my beautiful little boy here. He showed up exactly 2 years after she left and more than likely if she were here, he probably wouldn't be. I look at him and often wonder would she have looked like him or try and compare the two of them and what it would like to have them both here, and honestly thats the way I would rather have it. That emptines is still there, like something or someone is missing. Often think about another baby, definately a little girl and wondering will that void ever be filled with another little girl one day, but at the same time scared that void will always be there and my heart will always feel a little empty inside.

Jaylin my love, mommy still loves and misses you so much. It still hurts me every time I think about what happened and how you were taken before I even got the chance to see your eyes or hear you cry. You came into this world too soon and just as quick as you came, two days later you were gone. No mother should every have to watch her baby die and the rememberance of that day still haunts my thought and dreams as if it were yesterday. Still I question why did you have to leave so soon, why couldnt you be here with me. I am however grateful for the 2nd chance to get to love again with another baby and the love I feel for him is doubled by the love I feel for you and the pain of loosing you draws the love for Jordan even higher.

So today Jaylin, I remember you and say that I will always remember the 22 weeks, 3 days inside of me you grew and then the 3 days you were here physically and allowed me to feel for the first time, MOTHERHOOD! I love you angel, Rest In peace!!!

Hello!

There's so much to say. Its been a while since posting last. Jordan is getting so big and will be 1 years old on Friday 3-12. I can't believe it's been a year since he was born. It has made me miss Jaylin so much more. Seeing him grow and development just reminds me of everything I missed with her. Mommy still misses you so much angel.

Missing Jaylin

I miss you so much Jaylin. I'm not sure why today or why so much lately. I can't believe it's been 2 years since we said goodbye to you and yet I can still remember it like yesterday watching you struggle to survive and finally having to leave that NICU room. Why couldn't you just have made it. Why did I my cervix have to give way at 22 weeks. I just wish I could have both you and Jordan here with me. He is absolutely beautiful and I know he looks a lot like you. I hope one day I can have another little girl as I know she will never replace you, but mommy's heart still hurts for you and I hope one day I can think of you without feeling so sad.

A New Leaf!

It's been a little while since I have been here. I guess I can say I have been busy. So much times has gone by and yet I still miss you so much. I first want to thank you for sending your little brother to me and daddy. He is 3 months old now and absolutely beautiful. I look at him and just stare at the amazement that is he. I also look at him and its bittersweet as I think about you and knowing this is what I missed out on with you.

I won't say I wish I can change what happen anymore. If I had not had you and had you not went to heaven, I wouldn't have Jordan. I now know that things were meant to be the way they are. He was the one who was meant to be here with mommy and daddy. I stare at him and can't believe everything we went through to get him here. It's funny, because once he came, I still felt that emptiness that is you. Even now today, I still miss you and wish you were here. I think about if you had lived, I would have a 2 year old and a newborn. Oh how busy would I be.

Now that Jordan is 3 months old, I can think about is having a little girl. Most people don't dare think about having another baby so soon, and I'm not saying that is what I want today, but I want a little girl because I want a daughter and also because I lost my little girl.

Jaylin mommy still misses you so much and wonder if you would have looked like Jordan does. He looks a lot like me when I was his age but also looks a lot like daddy. The pain that once corrupted my heart 100% now still exists only in part. It has mainly been replaced by the joy of being a mother to my beautiful son that is your brother. Thank you my love. I will miss you forever.

Love Always,
Mommy

Happy Birthday Jaylin!!!

You would be 2 years old. Mommy can't believe it's also been 2 years since I said goodbye to you. I miss you so much Jaylin and wish you were here. I know things have to be the way they are and am so thankful that I got to spend 3 days with you. I also want to thank you for sending me your baby brother. His name is Jordan Emory and he is beautiful. I am so in love with him and am so happy that he arrived safe and sound.

Time has gone by so much and I am in a different place with my pain. I still ache for you today as I think about the things you would be doing, but know that you are in heaven and in a better place.

I love you Jaylin and Happy birthday baby girl.

Love always,
Mommy

A NEW BEGINNING!!!

I have prolonged this post for so long, now it is finally time to bite the bullet and post it. Today WHERE DO I BEGIN? I am currently 23 weeks pregnant with my second child. It's been so long since I last posted a blog and I thought I should finally announce it to my blog readers just in case someone was interested. I discovered I was pregnant on Sept. 16, 2008 after a routine office visit on Sept. 11, 2008 for my yearly pap smear. I expressed my concerned to the dr about AF not coming since July 2, 2008 after it had been regular for so long.

I wasn't that concerned about it not coming as with my PCOS I am very irregular. I was sent to the lab for bloodwork just to run some test. I got the call a week later and immediately started shaking in disbelief. Holy Shhhhht, could this be true. I immediately called my husband from work who did not believe me. I closed my eyes and thanked God for this miracle I still don't believe. For some reason at that time, I thought "this can't be true".

Fast forward to my first prenatal visit and the calculations of my due date. April 9, 2009(what) for all of you who don't remember, April 9, 2009 is the day Jaylin passed away. That means this baby will be due on the 2 year anniversary of her death. I nearly fell off my chair with this news. This calculation was based on the date of my last menstrual period of 07/02/08 which I thought for sure were incorrect because that would put me at about 3 months.

My dr then scheduled an ultrasound for the following week. There was no way I could wait that long. This was on a Friday. That night my husband and I went to the Er. I just had to get an ultrasound stat to see where we were. Blood was taken and my hcg results were back 52, 865 WOW. I was wheeled in for an ultrasound and I was not prepared for what I saw on the screen. There he was, oh so beautiful and an actual baby. Moving and jumping around, I felt my heart completely stop. 12 weeks and 3 days exactly.

I prolonged posting this as I wanted to make it to the gestational age where Jaylin was born. 1 week later at 23 weeks I am so proud and so blessed to have made it this far and have no doubt that this baby will be born healthy and strong. I had my cervical cerclage done on Oct. 7, 2008 at 14 weeks and things have been going well. I see my regular OB who is great and a Perinatalogist every 4 weeks to check the baby's growth and my cervical length which was 4.9 cm on 11/24/08.

His name is Jordan Emory Thompson and I am so in love with him. on 11/24 he weighed 14oz and is going to be a big boy. I still can't believe that I was pregnant for 3 months and didn't even know it. I can't believe I got pregnant on my own. Me, not me I never thought this would be, but know that God works when he works. When I think about him and everything I have overcome to get to this point, I start to cry and am completely overwhelmed with joy. I see him here. I see me holding him and staring at him with amazement.

Thank God. Thank you so much for giving me the strength to get through the pain and tears that led me to this joyous moment. Thank you for another week with Jordan and for keeping him safe. Thank you most of all to Jaylin my love. I know this was all your doing along with God. You too worked it out and sent Jordan to Mommy and Daddy to heal our broken hearts. Jaylin my love, Mommy still misses you so much and can't believe I will be celebrating your birthday and remembering your passing with Jordan hear to dry my tears and remember that you are watching. My heart no longers hearts with pain, but is now separated with such joy and such peace that I finally accept and understand that this was always the plan. I will never know exactly why you came and left for such a short time, but understand that if you had not, Jordan would not be coming.

Thank you Jaylin and know that you will always be my first born, my beautiful little girl. I think of you and I smile and the lessons you taught me and continue to teach me with each day.

Feeling

I'm just feeling like everything is against me. Is it really too much to ask to just be happy? I am just trying to remember what that feels like and at what point in my life could I remember being happy. I can't also remember what it feels like to not be in constant emotional pain. Seems like emotionally I have always been unhappy and I don't think anyone really knows it. I have constantly been asked on occasion, "whats wrong" "Is everything ok" they say your face never lies and it shows what your heart is feeling.

I don't know how to apologize for this. I sometimes feel like it is unfair to those who have to be around me. I can honestly think it started from feeling isolated due to infertility. In my community being a minority african american women, there aren't many others who are in my situation who are young, married and actually trying to get pregnant and have a family. I mostly come across girls and women who get pregnant accidentally, many women who find themselves pregnant and have abortions, or women who use birth control hoping and praying to never have children.

Being surrounded in this environment isolates me in my feeling of depressed, grief and anger. Who can I talk to, who can I relate to. I have not been able to find support groups in my community where I can go talk about my feeling and talk through what I am going through. The pain sometimes consumes me. Now just not infertility, but also the pain of loosing my first child, and sometimes feels like the only child I will ever have.

Feeling like the pain will never go away and I will never be happy again. What can I do? Who do I turn to...