Still...

I cried myself to sleep last night...
I am not sure why lately the days have been so hard. I think about you every night.
Your my last thought of the day when I lay my head down on my pillow.
They say time heals wounds, but Jaylin lately it seems that time is reopening my wounds.

It's been almost 10 months and I still can't sleep.
I can't believe I still can't sleep as I think about all the things we will never get to do together.
I lay awake at night, every night thinking about you and replaying everything that happened,
hoping that it will change the outcome somehow.

I still think about the day in hospital that you were born, and my first sight of you.
Oh how beautiful you were. I mean I know all mothers say their babies are beautiful, but
My beautiful little girl, you were.
I still think about the day I had to say goodbye to you. Thinking about it every single night still
after 10 months, as if I will wake up in the morning, and it will all be a dream..

I still cry myself to sleep many many nights, because the realization of you not being here is one I still can't believe.
I still feel myself falling. Falling into a million pieces when I think about what you would be like
had you still been here with me.

I still get angry at the thought that I won't get to spend a lifetime with you, but only got to spend three days with you here on earth.
I still remember and cherish the 22 weeks, 6 days that I carried you and just wish oh wish that I could have just that time back again.

My heart still breaks when I look at your pictures, just to know that I once gave birth to something so beautiful that is not here for all to see.
My arms still ache to hold and rock you, to sing to you and feel you close to me

My faith still remains that one day we will get to be together soon, as I often say it to myself.
The song "Someday We'll Be Together" by Diana Ross, plays over and over in my mind as I think about you and can't wait for the day that we will be together again and that day is when my heart will become whole again.