So Excited!

I'm so excited to be at this time of year. I have been waiting for two and a half months to get to this point where we can ttc again with help. My dr visit went pretty good I guess. We didn't get the word we thought we would that IVF would be our only hope, so I am glad about that. We were told that we will be doing IUI which in no way financially compares to Ivf. we including the dr is very optomistic that it will work based on my previous treatment.

The dr reassured me that the chemical pregnancy in October had nothing to do with my body not responding to treatment in November. Right now I am waiting for AF to arrive to start the IUI process. I will be doing daily injections of FSH on days 3-7 and then on day 9 I believe, I will have an ultraound to check follicle growth, whcih is normally the hurdle to cross for us. Then if everything goes according to plan, I will have my hcg trigger shot on the day my follicles are at their appropriate size and then the next TWO mornings following will be the inseminations. The insemination itself cost $474 and ultrasounds are $289 not really sure how much it will be for the injections, but the nurse assured me that she will order the cheapest one.

All in all we will most likely spend about $3000 which is no surprise. I spent $3500 when I conceived Jaylin and couldn't hav been more happy. So AF is due 2/24/08 and the dr advised if she is not here by the 26th to call and come in for bloodwork to see whats going on and the possibility of starting prometrium to bring her own. So I am actually counting down the days.

I also have been doing a lot of thinking about Jaylin's 1st birthday in April and trying to figure out how I want to celebrate. Her birthday falls on a Monday and at first I thought about not going to work, and at first I was not going to do anything special but now that I think about it, why not. Everyone who has living children celebrate their birthdays and get to celebrate with them here on earth and are able to show and express to them how much they love them daily, but I was only given 3 days with my daughter to do so, so instead I will celebrate that she would have been 1 years old and wish her a happy birthday. I have decided that I prefer to be at work that day and will celebrate the Saturday following with a llittle get together with family and friends, have cake and icecrean and a balloon release. I will ask everyone to bring a toy appropriate for a 1 year old that we will donate to charity in remembrance of Jaylin.

I miss her terribly and can't believe I am so close to a year that she was born. I am trying not to think about April 9th as I will always remember it as the day my world was forver changed. The day my soul left my body and did not return for quite a while. I am a litle nervous and have been thinking about paying my counselor a visit. I am afraid that the anniversary will put me back into the pit again and relive everything and I really want to be in a happy place for Jaylin. I would love, love, love to be pregnant by this time as this will only add to the blessings of her birthday. I am forever grateful and thankful that God allowed such a precious child to be a part of my life and I will carry her with me forever.

Feelings

Why do I continue to feel so left out. It seems like everyone around me is pregnant and experiencing the joy of carrying another child. I just want to be part of the group. I found an amazing group of women whom I share the same pain.

Most of them are pregnant again and the sun is beginning to shine again. I just want the storm to be over for me as well. I remain in faith and hope that my time is approaching soon and I continue to believe that GOD does indeed have a plan for me.

10 months ago tomorrow, my beautiful little girl passed away. Oh how the time flies by. It seems like she almost never even existed. I mean I know she was hear, but all kind of feels like a dream. Jaylin continues to be the last thought of my day before I go to sleep.

No matter how tired I am, when I lay down at night, I think of her. I miss her oh so much. The joy mothers must feel to give birth to a child they see and comfort everyday. I feel that same joy to my child, except she is not here. I know GOD has her in his arms and is keeping her safe. I just wish I could hold her near me as well. I feel her though. When my heart gets heavy and the pain is just too much to bear, I feel her. I know she is watching me and she is softly saying to me "Mommy I am here"

I can say that I feel that this year everything will fall into place. I know things are going to be better for me.

Still...

I cried myself to sleep last night...
I am not sure why lately the days have been so hard. I think about you every night.
Your my last thought of the day when I lay my head down on my pillow.
They say time heals wounds, but Jaylin lately it seems that time is reopening my wounds.

It's been almost 10 months and I still can't sleep.
I can't believe I still can't sleep as I think about all the things we will never get to do together.
I lay awake at night, every night thinking about you and replaying everything that happened,
hoping that it will change the outcome somehow.

I still think about the day in hospital that you were born, and my first sight of you.
Oh how beautiful you were. I mean I know all mothers say their babies are beautiful, but
My beautiful little girl, you were.
I still think about the day I had to say goodbye to you. Thinking about it every single night still
after 10 months, as if I will wake up in the morning, and it will all be a dream..

I still cry myself to sleep many many nights, because the realization of you not being here is one I still can't believe.
I still feel myself falling. Falling into a million pieces when I think about what you would be like
had you still been here with me.

I still get angry at the thought that I won't get to spend a lifetime with you, but only got to spend three days with you here on earth.
I still remember and cherish the 22 weeks, 6 days that I carried you and just wish oh wish that I could have just that time back again.

My heart still breaks when I look at your pictures, just to know that I once gave birth to something so beautiful that is not here for all to see.
My arms still ache to hold and rock you, to sing to you and feel you close to me

My faith still remains that one day we will get to be together soon, as I often say it to myself.
The song "Someday We'll Be Together" by Diana Ross, plays over and over in my mind as I think about you and can't wait for the day that we will be together again and that day is when my heart will become whole again.

Fustrated but Having Hope!

I guess it's just one of those days. I miss Jaylin so much right now. I am just sad that she is not hear and will never be. I wonder sometimes when will I stop missing her so much, or when will the pain stop cutting like a knife in my heart.

Fustrated at the Fact that I have no control over what happens to my body. I am getting excited about going to the dr in a couple weeks, but fustrated that I am still going through infertility after being a pregnant and ALMOST making it to full term.

I still have hope that it will happen, and that day will come when I finally get to hold a beautiful baby in my arms to love for the rest of my life

9 Months: A Time Frame of Loss!

Usually, 9 months represents the time frame of which God chose women to be pregnant and grow healthy babies. 9 months represents the time frame of carrying a child and giving birth. From the moment we find out we are pregnant we hope, wish for a safe and happy 9 months. This is a time frame that normally is filled with the expectations of knowing that we will then meet the little one whom we have been anxiously awaiting.

Today though is different. Today I woke up to 9 months. Today for me 9 months represents the time that my daughter has been gone. 9 months ago today Jaylin passed away. My beautiful little girl has been gone for the same amount of time I should have carried her. Instead I carried her for 5 1/2 months and it was too soon. I never got to carry her for 9 months, but today I remember and reflect on the 9 months since she has been in heaven.

9 Months Since you have been gone my little Angel

Forever I have been changed by your love
Forver I will know you are in Heaven and now my angel up above
Remembering that today is the day my spirit became silent and brief
Realizing that I must live with the pain, live the sorrow and acknowledge the grief

Jaylin my love, Mommy still longs to hold you near
I still cry and weep with the sadness that you cannot physically be here
Understanding that it is He, God who chose you my little angel to Fly free
But knowing that forever my beautiful little girl you are, Forever my child you will be

On this day, I remember the memories we shared, and things I always will
I will always hold you near to my heart, along with the wanting time to stand still
9 month ago today, we said our goodbye and I let you go in peace
But goodbye did not mean forever because in heaven is where we will meet. (Again)

Going Into A New Year...To Jaylin

Today as 2007 comes to a close and we welcome a new year, I feel sad. It's like I am saying goodbye to you all over again. I can't believe it's been almost 9 months that you have been gone. I still ache to hold you, my beautiful little girl, and my heart still hurts from the pain of you leaving. I have finally put your pictures in a frame and have them out for everyone to see. I have been thinking about you so much lately and can't believe how deep the feelings of pain and grief are at this point.

As I go through the rest of this day and tomorrow brings a new year, I hope. I hope for a better 2008 then 2007 and wonder what surprises the next year will bring. Last year at this time I was 6 weeks pregnant and looking forward to the best year of my life, but things changed. I now am not sure what to look forward to for the next year. I wish to continue to take it one day at a time through my journey of getting through the rest of my life without you.

I still dream about you and in all my dreams, you are alive and doing well, and when I wake up I just want to go back to sleep forever. Sleeping brings me closer to you and I would give anything to have those moments back where you were here and I could feel you and touch you and hold you near. Instead, all I have are memories. Pictures of you that tell me you were here.

It still pains me deeply and I am afraid I will never get to experience the love we shared with another baby. I pray for strength to get through each and everyday. I pray that God will bless us again to become parents to another child, but so far, it's been so hard. I miss you Jaylin, and I know things have to be the way they are, and no matter how much I cry, no matter how much I wish, you will never be here and I must understand that you have to be where you are.

So Happy New Year, my angel, and no that I love you so much and will forever carry you with me, and I look forward to the day when we can be together again.

Love Always,
Mommy

Happy Birthday To Me!

Today as I welcome my 28th birthday, I am thankful to see another year. The day started off with a beautiful card and breakfast from my husband, and I wondered. I wondered if Jaylin thought of me today. Then on the way to breakfast she sent me a sign. The most beautiful rainbow, and there it was, my sign that my beautiful little girl was in heaven and thought of me today.

I only pray that this year be filled with the joys and happiness of many wonderful things to come, and an even bigger chance to re write all the negative things I will leave behind at the age of 27. I have come to the place where I no longer think about what I should have done by now. There are many things I thought I would have accomplised and one of those is being a mother.

I really expected by this time this year that I would have a kicking and screaming baby. Instead, I sit here thinking and remembering what little time I spent with her. At first I hoped to be pregnant again by my due date, then before this year would be over, and now I hope to be pregnant by Jaylin's first birthday. But honestly, none of this matters. I just really hope to be pregnant soon and whatever soon means, it just means.

I hope it's not too long, but I have to understand that I have no control over it and there is nothing I can do but be patient and wait on the Lord. I am happy that I made it to another birthday and wish for many many more to come. But only that from here on out, the next birthday be filled with the love and happiness of being a mother.