Nervous!

I'm beginning to feel nervous as I get into this week. Tomorrow is my doctors appt on CD 12 to check my follicles to see if they are ready for my HCG injection "the trigger shot". This will be my third cycle of whats called a "mini stim" which is minimal stimulation of ovulation with timed intercourse. The first try worked and I got pregnant which was exactly 1 year ago on Nov. 15th Unfortunately my pregnancy ended at 22 weeks due to pre term labor and my daughter passed away. My husband and I started trying again on our own 2 months later and I made an appt back at the fertility clinic at that time just in case we needed help again. We really hoped that we would be successfull. 4 months went by and nothing, which ended up being in August. Add that to the 4 years we were already going through and it just brings more fustration.

We found ourselves back at square one where we started a year ago in August. Fast forward to October where we yet again started another round of treatment. I was immediately confident that it would work and that we would be happy again soon. October 31st I got the best news of my life "I'm Pregnant" were the words that came across the pregnancy test. I was overjoyed and couldn't believe that I was yet again blessed and on this journey, only this time I was confident that this time I would get to bring home a healthy baby. Never could I have imagined that the outcome would be different.

The next day I found myself back at the dr to do bloodword to confirm the pregnancy only to find out later that day from my nurse that it was a Chemical Pregnancy. The next day I started my period and saw would should have been my new little bundle of joy. DEVISTATION is the exact word to describe what I was feeling at the time. I had no idea that I could possibly experience something like this, but was able to quickly recover as I had been through worse when I loss my daughter. A chemical pregnancy in no way could compare to the loss of my daughter halfway through my pregnancy. I was able to pick myself up, but still feel as though I have loss another child, or similar to having a miscarriage. Eventhough I had never experienced a miscarriage, I compare my chemical pregnancy to exactly that.

The next day following my chemical pregnancy again I was back at the dr office to confirm the chemical pregnancy and to make sure everything was ok to start another round of treatment right away. I was a little relunctant go ahead this month as I was feeling overwhelmed and discourage and really feeling like I wanted to give up. My appt did not go well as I was told I had developed a cyst due to the medication from the treatment, as well as my uterine lining was really really thick, due to it trying to prepare for a pregnancy. The news of this just devistated me even more, but I continued to remain strong and understood I had to continue through this process.

Later that day I would get the go ahead to start treatment. First it was to start clomid for cycle days 3-7 which I have completed. Cycle day 9 was my FSH injection which my husband did for me this past Saturday and now cycle day 12 on tomorrow for my ultrasound to see if I can do my HCG injection which will trigger ovulation. Now if everything works out tomorrow them the following two days is timed intercourse and then on to the dreaded 2 week wait. I am not very optimistic about the appt tomorrow though, because each time I have had my ultrasound on cycle day 12 my follicles are never ready. They have to be atleast 20mm and they normally reach that size on cycle day 14. So tomorrow when the ultrasound tech gives me the news I will try and promise myself to not get upset.

In saying that I probably will still be upset, but its so routine now that I am getting so tired of the whole process. I know this is just part of God's plan for me to go through these obstacles in order to make my dream of becoming a mother my reality. So here I sit and wait. Wait to see if the 3rd time will be the charm and my dream will finally play out the way I have always dreamed it would, with a screaming, beautiful, healthy baby. I wait to see if this will be a very special birthday and christmas for me. I wait to see if my life will be changing.