Thursday, July 3, 2008

Through It...

Jaylin my love, I miss you so much. I can't believe so much time has gone by and yet I still cry when I think about you. Maybe it's because I have not really moved forward. Maybe its because I still long to feel you near me. I just wish I could turn back the hands of time and not feel the pain I feel in my heart.

This week I looked up at the calender and realized that I would be due to give birth this week to my 2nd child. October 30th 2007 I got BFP after more fertility treatments, I couldnt believe I was pregnant again. Then just two days later on Nov. 1st 2007 It all ended, chemical pregnancy (what)Now looking at the calender and remembering that it would be this week that a healthy baby should be here yet again, and yet again I sit here empty handed and empty hearted.

I can't believe how much I miss you, but I'm getting through it. I try and try and try to continue to get up everyday and remember its a new day and God has something great in my future, but the truth is, I am not sure what I believe anymore. I would like to believe that I will have a baby one day, but the truth is I am just not sure.

I have faith that God will bless us, and maybe this is just a test of my faith. But hasnt my faith been tested. It was tested during the 4 years we tried unsuccessfully. It continued to be tested during all the infertility testing, during the shots, the ultrasounds, the bloodwork and disppointments. Even after the first BFP(finally after 5 years), hearing Jaylins heartbea for the first time. Seeing her on the ultrasound machine. Finding out she was a girl, then seeing her in the NICU fighting for life. Watching her take her last breath, Even then I had faith.

Now I sit here 1 year and almost 3 months after she has been gone and 8 months after the 2nd loss and still try my best to have faith, that yet again God will bless me with another BFP. But I am getting through it. Trying my best everyday and thanking God for the love and support of my husband.

"The only way to get through it, is to get through it"