Thursday, December 11, 2008


I have prolonged this post for so long, now it is finally time to bite the bullet and post it. Today WHERE DO I BEGIN? I am currently 23 weeks pregnant with my second child. It's been so long since I last posted a blog and I thought I should finally announce it to my blog readers just in case someone was interested. I discovered I was pregnant on Sept. 16, 2008 after a routine office visit on Sept. 11, 2008 for my yearly pap smear. I expressed my concerned to the dr about AF not coming since July 2, 2008 after it had been regular for so long.

I wasn't that concerned about it not coming as with my PCOS I am very irregular. I was sent to the lab for bloodwork just to run some test. I got the call a week later and immediately started shaking in disbelief. Holy Shhhhht, could this be true. I immediately called my husband from work who did not believe me. I closed my eyes and thanked God for this miracle I still don't believe. For some reason at that time, I thought "this can't be true".

Fast forward to my first prenatal visit and the calculations of my due date. April 9, 2009(what) for all of you who don't remember, April 9, 2009 is the day Jaylin passed away. That means this baby will be due on the 2 year anniversary of her death. I nearly fell off my chair with this news. This calculation was based on the date of my last menstrual period of 07/02/08 which I thought for sure were incorrect because that would put me at about 3 months.

My dr then scheduled an ultrasound for the following week. There was no way I could wait that long. This was on a Friday. That night my husband and I went to the Er. I just had to get an ultrasound stat to see where we were. Blood was taken and my hcg results were back 52, 865 WOW. I was wheeled in for an ultrasound and I was not prepared for what I saw on the screen. There he was, oh so beautiful and an actual baby. Moving and jumping around, I felt my heart completely stop. 12 weeks and 3 days exactly.

I prolonged posting this as I wanted to make it to the gestational age where Jaylin was born. 1 week later at 23 weeks I am so proud and so blessed to have made it this far and have no doubt that this baby will be born healthy and strong. I had my cervical cerclage done on Oct. 7, 2008 at 14 weeks and things have been going well. I see my regular OB who is great and a Perinatalogist every 4 weeks to check the baby's growth and my cervical length which was 4.9 cm on 11/24/08.

His name is Jordan Emory Thompson and I am so in love with him. on 11/24 he weighed 14oz and is going to be a big boy. I still can't believe that I was pregnant for 3 months and didn't even know it. I can't believe I got pregnant on my own. Me, not me I never thought this would be, but know that God works when he works. When I think about him and everything I have overcome to get to this point, I start to cry and am completely overwhelmed with joy. I see him here. I see me holding him and staring at him with amazement.

Thank God. Thank you so much for giving me the strength to get through the pain and tears that led me to this joyous moment. Thank you for another week with Jordan and for keeping him safe. Thank you most of all to Jaylin my love. I know this was all your doing along with God. You too worked it out and sent Jordan to Mommy and Daddy to heal our broken hearts. Jaylin my love, Mommy still misses you so much and can't believe I will be celebrating your birthday and remembering your passing with Jordan hear to dry my tears and remember that you are watching. My heart no longers hearts with pain, but is now separated with such joy and such peace that I finally accept and understand that this was always the plan. I will never know exactly why you came and left for such a short time, but understand that if you had not, Jordan would not be coming.

Thank you Jaylin and know that you will always be my first born, my beautiful little girl. I think of you and I smile and the lessons you taught me and continue to teach me with each day.

Sunday, August 24, 2008


I'm just feeling like everything is against me. Is it really too much to ask to just be happy? I am just trying to remember what that feels like and at what point in my life could I remember being happy. I can't also remember what it feels like to not be in constant emotional pain. Seems like emotionally I have always been unhappy and I don't think anyone really knows it. I have constantly been asked on occasion, "whats wrong" "Is everything ok" they say your face never lies and it shows what your heart is feeling.

I don't know how to apologize for this. I sometimes feel like it is unfair to those who have to be around me. I can honestly think it started from feeling isolated due to infertility. In my community being a minority african american women, there aren't many others who are in my situation who are young, married and actually trying to get pregnant and have a family. I mostly come across girls and women who get pregnant accidentally, many women who find themselves pregnant and have abortions, or women who use birth control hoping and praying to never have children.

Being surrounded in this environment isolates me in my feeling of depressed, grief and anger. Who can I talk to, who can I relate to. I have not been able to find support groups in my community where I can go talk about my feeling and talk through what I am going through. The pain sometimes consumes me. Now just not infertility, but also the pain of loosing my first child, and sometimes feels like the only child I will ever have.

Feeling like the pain will never go away and I will never be happy again. What can I do? Who do I turn to...

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Pain: Infertility, Loss & More Infertility...

The definition of pain. Physical, emotional, mental pain. There is no definition to describe the pain of loosing a child. I can't even begin to understand how it is that I am sitting here typing this when I am in so much pain. It started with the pain of infertility. The pain of infertility is great that it is one that you will never soon forget. I thought it was permanently gone from me, but as I sit her still dealing with the pain of loss, I am dealing with the pain of loss and infertility.

How do I combine the two. As I attempted to allow them both to be as they are, I find myself nearly in a state of depression. I try to wake up, not think about it and go about each day, but honestly it's a lie. How could I possibly think that I could block out what my mind is thinking when my heart is feeling the exact same thing.

I'm trying. Trying to remember that things will be better, but do I really believe that? I pray...Constantly to not allow myself to complete go back to that place, but the truth is, I'm there. I don't want to be though. I want to be happy. As far back as I could remember I have always wanted to be happy, but why must the things I want to make me happy, be so hard to come by.

Hopefully, one day soon I could atleast be on my way. I just wish I didn't have to allow myself to be back dealing with infertility yet again, when I have successfully been out of this place. SO is this considered secondary infertility, but no...because secondary infertility is when you have had a successful pregnancy and having trouble conceiving the 2nd time around. SO what do you call it when you spent almost 5 years having trouble conceiving, get pregnant with treatment, loose your baby after a perfect pregnancy due to pre term labor and IC, then have more trouble conceiving for 4 more months, get pregnant again with treatment, have a chemical pregnancy, do treatments again that dont work and sit here 8 months later and still have trouble. I just call it THE PAIN OF INFERTILITY LOSS AND MORE INFERTILITY

Monday, August 11, 2008

Back At That Place...

So many days has passed since you were here with me. I can't believe its been 1 year 4 months and 4 days since you were born into this world too soon. As I sit here and still can't believe the things that go through my mind. It seems like everybody is in a different place and has moved on, so many have gotten pregnant and given birth to beautiful healthy babies and I find myself back at that place.

I am now back at the same place I was in before you were ever born. Before I got pregnant with Jaylin, I was in the place of No Hope. I couldn't see the possibility of ever getting pregnant and having a baby. Trying and trying so hard on my own, and nothing. Fighting PCOS with infertility and hoping that God would grant me a miracle and allow me to get pregnant.

Almost 5 years after trying and with the help of a wonderful RE and infertility treatments I finally got pregnant. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted from me and I was on my way to being happy. During those past couple years of trying, I found myself battling depression and unhappiness. Putting on a face became routine and many did not know of my pain.

Now after loosing my daughter and being back at that place of battling infertility with PCOS and now combined with the loss of the beautiful little girl. The pain has greaten as I sit here struggling yet again and know that I cannot go back to my RE anytime soon as the financial struggle of paying for infertility treatments is too much right now.

It only puts me back at the place to say, why should that even be something of concern. To have to save money to pay for infertility treatment to get pregnant, when thats what I as a woman was born to do and when so many women do it naturally every single day, I have to have money to pay to help me conceive.

I am back at that place of loneliness, heartache, sadness, grief and anger. I will pray though. Pray that my heart will not remain heavy. Pray that I will smile again. Pray that the day will come that I will get pregnant and give birth to a healthy baby.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Through It...

Jaylin my love, I miss you so much. I can't believe so much time has gone by and yet I still cry when I think about you. Maybe it's because I have not really moved forward. Maybe its because I still long to feel you near me. I just wish I could turn back the hands of time and not feel the pain I feel in my heart.

This week I looked up at the calender and realized that I would be due to give birth this week to my 2nd child. October 30th 2007 I got BFP after more fertility treatments, I couldnt believe I was pregnant again. Then just two days later on Nov. 1st 2007 It all ended, chemical pregnancy (what)Now looking at the calender and remembering that it would be this week that a healthy baby should be here yet again, and yet again I sit here empty handed and empty hearted.

I can't believe how much I miss you, but I'm getting through it. I try and try and try to continue to get up everyday and remember its a new day and God has something great in my future, but the truth is, I am not sure what I believe anymore. I would like to believe that I will have a baby one day, but the truth is I am just not sure.

I have faith that God will bless us, and maybe this is just a test of my faith. But hasnt my faith been tested. It was tested during the 4 years we tried unsuccessfully. It continued to be tested during all the infertility testing, during the shots, the ultrasounds, the bloodwork and disppointments. Even after the first BFP(finally after 5 years), hearing Jaylins heartbea for the first time. Seeing her on the ultrasound machine. Finding out she was a girl, then seeing her in the NICU fighting for life. Watching her take her last breath, Even then I had faith.

Now I sit here 1 year and almost 3 months after she has been gone and 8 months after the 2nd loss and still try my best to have faith, that yet again God will bless me with another BFP. But I am getting through it. Trying my best everyday and thanking God for the love and support of my husband.

"The only way to get through it, is to get through it"

Saturday, June 7, 2008

Just One Of Those Days!!!!!!

Today it is offically 1 year & 2 months since you were born. I miss you so much Jaylin and eventhough time has passed and I continue to move forward, I can't believe how much it still hurts that you are not here with me. I really did not think that by this time a year later, I would be here sitting still not even close to being pregnant again.

I am trying to remain hopeful and know that God has a plan for me, but sometimes I just feel so fustrated and angry. I mean when will I honestly be happy again. I am not asking to win the lottery, though it seems I might have to in order to be able to afford fertility treatments. All I want is to have a living, breathing healthy baby.

I saw a rainbow today which meant you were sending me a big hug and reminder that everything will be ok ONE DAY.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Feeling Down

I sit here and feel such pain as I think about the reality of today. Its been 1 year, 1 month and 5 days since Jaylin has been gone and I still sit here with an empty womb. I sometimes wonder am I being punished for something. We were supposed to start the IUI treatment in March, but doing my appointment, the nurse discovered a cyst on my left ovary.

I could not be given medication or anything to help me conceive during March, and was told I could use an OPK at home, but due to my PCOS I probably won't ovulate anyway. WTF?????? I just don't understand sometmes. It seems like 2 out of 3 dr appts are always filled with sadness, disappontmet, anger and fustration. How many times must I leave the dr office crying because of what they have just told me?

I'm asking for strength. To remain sane, to remain hopefull and to continue to struggle through this journey. I know things are not supposed to be easy all the time, but are they supposed to be hard all time? It seems like everyone around me is either pregnant or have given birth to healthy babies. My cyber friends are great and have really been there for me, I feel so left out from them though.

Most of them are either pregnant, or just recently given birth to babies after having lost one. I know it is a bittersweet time for them, but the time for me is all bitter. I often wonder if God's plan is for Jaylin to be my only child. If I'm meant to have children. Would God honestly give someone a desire so strong to want a child, but not actually give them the opportunity to have them. I pray that the day will come one day soon where I am pregnant again, and the pain that fills my heart will lessen and I can really be happy again.

Friday, May 9, 2008

Mother's Day 1 Year Later...

This sunday will be the 2nd Mother's Day since Jaylin has been gone. Last year it was 1 month and 4 days after she died that I had to deal with the reality of this day. I remember crying most of the day and wishing everyone would stop sending me text messages wishing me a happy day that was only a reminder that I was a Mother, but to a child that was not here.

May 13th 2007 was the date. It was also the day I got my first AF after coming home from the hospital, another reminder that my womb was now empty. Now as I approach this day 1 year later, it feels the same although different. I now welcome the wishes for a Happy Mother's Day for now 1 year later, I am at peace. I know yes I am a mother, just that my child is in heaven.

Yes I am jealous of other women who have children to celebrate with. Yes I wish I could atleast expereince this Mother's Day pregnant and expecting a child, but I sit and grieve on this Mother's Day for the one I lost with no others to share it with.

I really expected to be pregnant again by this time, but as I see it is not a part of God's plan and I am not sure what his plan is, but I pray that its for me to become pregnant again and hopefully to celebrate next year on Mothers day with a living child.

Jaylin My Love, I am sending you a Happy Mother's Day greeting from earth to Heaven
I thank you angel for giving me the chance to experience this Day with great Pain and at this time great peace. Though my heart is aching to experience this day with you, I know on this day in heaven you will think of me and hold my hand as I get through this day without you.

I know I will hear the whisper of your voice just when I feel my heart is too heavy and the pain is far too great. As this day is celebrated for Mothers with earthly children, I will remember that I too am included on Mother's Day, for yes I am a Mother, a Mother to an angel in Heaven.

Love you much,

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

1 Year Later.....

Sitting here 1 year later thinking about the pain I feel today and how it all began. I have thought about this day for so long. Envisioned what it would be like once I made it to this point. I woke up this morning and immediately remembered how I got here. This past year has taught me so much, yet has taken so much away from me. At exactly 10:27 a.m. is when you took your last breath and no longer was here with me physically, at that same moment is when our hearts joined together again.

As long as I live, I will never forget this day. The day my world changed forever. Jaylin mommy misses you so much and it still hurts terribly to think of how you are not here with me. I get so jealous to see other little girls and just oh how I wish I could have you here with me. I continue to remain hopeful that the day will come when we will see each other again. I know there was nothing that I could have done to change what happened, and I have replayed this day over and over and oer again, but it continues to end the same.

People will say "oh things will get better" "you'll be ok" "things happen for a reason" well its easy for someone to say when they have never experienced loosing a child. They compare it to loosing a parent, or a sibling or even a pet. Not to say that loosing any loved one is not hard....But this is how I see it. LOOSING A PET IS HARD, LOOSING A SIBLING IS TRAGIC, LOOSING A PARENT IS THE INEVITABLE, BUT LOOSING A CHILD IS UNATURAL.

As I continue to sit here and reflect on how my life has changed so much this past year, I thank you. Forever wil you be my first child, my first unconditional love. Jaylin, no matter how many years shall pass, how many children I shall give birth to, there will never be another one who shares my heart the way you do. For you are very special, which is why God chose you to come forth to only be with me for a short time and return to him to know what it was like to be an angel, to know what it is like to be loved oh so much by so many people.

You have changed my life in ways no one could ever understand. I take is as my responsibility to parent your memory. For parents with children, the get to parent them everyday, celebrate birthdays, create wonderful memories, but I never had that chance. I was given only the memories of carrying you and seeing and touching you for 3 days and for that I am forever grateful.

Bittersweet is what it is today. As I feel myself getting sad and wanting to shed a tear, I remember that you are here holding my hand, telling me is gonna be ok that Someday we'll be together again. The soul I had before you were born is gone forever. I now carry a new soul. One thats connected to you forever. I pray for strength, I pray for continued Faith that one day soon God will ease my pain of loosing you by blessing me with another child.

Though I am hopeful. Hopeful that I will carry another child to term and they will be born healthy and alive. One that will carry your spirit and they will know that they came forth because of you. Thank you my love for blessing my life with your gift of love, thank you for showing me what unconditional love really is. Thank you for bringing Daddy and me closer than we've ever been. Thank you for allowing my heart to be reborn again 1 year later on this day you went to heaven and became my angel.

Monday, April 7, 2008

Happy Birthday Jaylin!

Happy birthday my angel. I can't believe it's been a year that you were born. At this time last year I was still in recovery fromt the surgery. I remember the events that led to this day. Bleeding sent me to the hospital and being told I was 3.4 cm dialted and you were on your way. You were so active and moving and there was no way you wouldn't be ok.

Little did I know that God had a different plan for you. You made your entrance into this world at 6:05 a.m. this morning and it couldn't have been more bittersweet. At this particular time, I had not wrapped it around my mind that you would indeed pass away just two days later, but yet felt like any other mother on the day they give birth. I wish I could have been awake when you were born. To see you when they first took you from my womb and see you take your first breath. I often wonder what your first moments were like.

1 year later I still miss and grieve for you terribly. My heart continues to feel something missing. As Daddy and I celebrate your birthday today I want you to know that we love you very much and think about you all the time. As we struggle with trying to continue our attempt at becoming parents again, it pains me that I had the opportunity with you and it was taken away from me.

On this day Jaylin, we celebrate your life. I wonder the things you would be doing today. We would have a party with cake and icecream. To see you smile and light up as we gather to wish you a happy birthday. Instead we must celebrate with only a memory and a wish that you could have been here to see it. I pray for strength to get through this day with a smile on my face knowing that you are in heaven celebrating with us and thinking of us, sending us peace that you are in a better place and are doing ok.


Friday, March 21, 2008

Happy Easter My Angel

It's Good Friday. Not so good for me though. It's basically a reminder that this sunday is Easter. Last year on this day I was in the hospital 1 day after giving birth to my beautiful little girl. This day I was oh so hopeful that you would survive and be here with me to celebrate this day, but instead I mark the 1 year anniversary of the memory of the days that lead me to start this blog.

Jaylin my love I miss you oh so much. I remember last year I brought you a Easter basket. Its beautiful Jaylin. It's a pink and purple basket with beautiful lace around it. I have pink grass to fill it with and couldn't wait to color eggs for you. I never got decorate it or color eggs for you but I know you would have loved it.

This year I pulled out that same beautiful Easter basket and today, I plan on decorating it with that beautiful pink grass and will color those egss for you and will bring it to grandma's house on Sunday, and I know you will be watching as we hide the eggs and you will be right there with your cousings and family as we enjoy the holiday and try and find all the eggs.

This Easter I will remember you my beautiful little angel, and know that though you are not here physically and the pain I feel is real, I am happy knowing that you are with God, watching over Mommy and Daddy as we continue to move through each and everyday without you, but knowing you will forever be in our hearts.

Monday, March 3, 2008

11 Months, ALmost!

Not a good day. I am feeling really down and in the pit today. Its almost been 11 months since Jaylin has been gone and all I can think about is how unfair it feels. Yesterday we went to ou neighbors daughters 1st birthday party. It was a very nice party, however I couldn't stop thinking about the things I missed out of with Jaylin. She was born just a month before Jaylin was and just looking around at all the little children there similar in age, just broke my heart. I really wish I could share in the joy of experiencing her first birthday and she was here.

Next month is her birthday and it's really important to me to do something special in memory of her. I really want to do the birthday part with a cake and balloon release at one of our local parks. I am just trying to see how we will pull it all together in the middle of getting ready to start fertility tretments and thats going to be about $3000, so I am trying to figure out how to fit both things into the next couple weeks.

Really hoping that today gets better, but right now I am really in the pit. I miss Jaylin so much today and the pain of her not being here is heavy on my heart. The one year mark is coming so soon and I am afraid that all the emotional trauma I went through when everything first happened, is going to resurface and put me back into the place I was before.

the other day I was rethinking the day she died in the hospital and thought about the moment I had to go the NICU to say goodbye to her, and I collapsed. I remember that being the moment I felt my soul leave my body. It took 6-7 months for it return, and now I feel my soul leaving my body again and it really really hurts..

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

So Excited!

I'm so excited to be at this time of year. I have been waiting for two and a half months to get to this point where we can ttc again with help. My dr visit went pretty good I guess. We didn't get the word we thought we would that IVF would be our only hope, so I am glad about that. We were told that we will be doing IUI which in no way financially compares to Ivf. we including the dr is very optomistic that it will work based on my previous treatment.

The dr reassured me that the chemical pregnancy in October had nothing to do with my body not responding to treatment in November. Right now I am waiting for AF to arrive to start the IUI process. I will be doing daily injections of FSH on days 3-7 and then on day 9 I believe, I will have an ultraound to check follicle growth, whcih is normally the hurdle to cross for us. Then if everything goes according to plan, I will have my hcg trigger shot on the day my follicles are at their appropriate size and then the next TWO mornings following will be the inseminations. The insemination itself cost $474 and ultrasounds are $289 not really sure how much it will be for the injections, but the nurse assured me that she will order the cheapest one.

All in all we will most likely spend about $3000 which is no surprise. I spent $3500 when I conceived Jaylin and couldn't hav been more happy. So AF is due 2/24/08 and the dr advised if she is not here by the 26th to call and come in for bloodwork to see whats going on and the possibility of starting prometrium to bring her own. So I am actually counting down the days.

I also have been doing a lot of thinking about Jaylin's 1st birthday in April and trying to figure out how I want to celebrate. Her birthday falls on a Monday and at first I thought about not going to work, and at first I was not going to do anything special but now that I think about it, why not. Everyone who has living children celebrate their birthdays and get to celebrate with them here on earth and are able to show and express to them how much they love them daily, but I was only given 3 days with my daughter to do so, so instead I will celebrate that she would have been 1 years old and wish her a happy birthday. I have decided that I prefer to be at work that day and will celebrate the Saturday following with a llittle get together with family and friends, have cake and icecrean and a balloon release. I will ask everyone to bring a toy appropriate for a 1 year old that we will donate to charity in remembrance of Jaylin.

I miss her terribly and can't believe I am so close to a year that she was born. I am trying not to think about April 9th as I will always remember it as the day my world was forver changed. The day my soul left my body and did not return for quite a while. I am a litle nervous and have been thinking about paying my counselor a visit. I am afraid that the anniversary will put me back into the pit again and relive everything and I really want to be in a happy place for Jaylin. I would love, love, love to be pregnant by this time as this will only add to the blessings of her birthday. I am forever grateful and thankful that God allowed such a precious child to be a part of my life and I will carry her with me forever.

Friday, February 8, 2008


Why do I continue to feel so left out. It seems like everyone around me is pregnant and experiencing the joy of carrying another child. I just want to be part of the group. I found an amazing group of women whom I share the same pain.

Most of them are pregnant again and the sun is beginning to shine again. I just want the storm to be over for me as well. I remain in faith and hope that my time is approaching soon and I continue to believe that GOD does indeed have a plan for me.

10 months ago tomorrow, my beautiful little girl passed away. Oh how the time flies by. It seems like she almost never even existed. I mean I know she was hear, but all kind of feels like a dream. Jaylin continues to be the last thought of my day before I go to sleep.

No matter how tired I am, when I lay down at night, I think of her. I miss her oh so much. The joy mothers must feel to give birth to a child they see and comfort everyday. I feel that same joy to my child, except she is not here. I know GOD has her in his arms and is keeping her safe. I just wish I could hold her near me as well. I feel her though. When my heart gets heavy and the pain is just too much to bear, I feel her. I know she is watching me and she is softly saying to me "Mommy I am here"

I can say that I feel that this year everything will fall into place. I know things are going to be better for me.

Thursday, January 24, 2008


I cried myself to sleep last night...
I am not sure why lately the days have been so hard. I think about you every night.
Your my last thought of the day when I lay my head down on my pillow.
They say time heals wounds, but Jaylin lately it seems that time is reopening my wounds.

It's been almost 10 months and I still can't sleep.
I can't believe I still can't sleep as I think about all the things we will never get to do together.
I lay awake at night, every night thinking about you and replaying everything that happened,
hoping that it will change the outcome somehow.

I still think about the day in hospital that you were born, and my first sight of you.
Oh how beautiful you were. I mean I know all mothers say their babies are beautiful, but
My beautiful little girl, you were.
I still think about the day I had to say goodbye to you. Thinking about it every single night still
after 10 months, as if I will wake up in the morning, and it will all be a dream..

I still cry myself to sleep many many nights, because the realization of you not being here is one I still can't believe.
I still feel myself falling. Falling into a million pieces when I think about what you would be like
had you still been here with me.

I still get angry at the thought that I won't get to spend a lifetime with you, but only got to spend three days with you here on earth.
I still remember and cherish the 22 weeks, 6 days that I carried you and just wish oh wish that I could have just that time back again.

My heart still breaks when I look at your pictures, just to know that I once gave birth to something so beautiful that is not here for all to see.
My arms still ache to hold and rock you, to sing to you and feel you close to me

My faith still remains that one day we will get to be together soon, as I often say it to myself.
The song "Someday We'll Be Together" by Diana Ross, plays over and over in my mind as I think about you and can't wait for the day that we will be together again and that day is when my heart will become whole again.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Fustrated but Having Hope!

I guess it's just one of those days. I miss Jaylin so much right now. I am just sad that she is not hear and will never be. I wonder sometimes when will I stop missing her so much, or when will the pain stop cutting like a knife in my heart.

Fustrated at the Fact that I have no control over what happens to my body. I am getting excited about going to the dr in a couple weeks, but fustrated that I am still going through infertility after being a pregnant and ALMOST making it to full term.

I still have hope that it will happen, and that day will come when I finally get to hold a beautiful baby in my arms to love for the rest of my life

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

9 Months: A Time Frame of Loss!

Usually, 9 months represents the time frame of which God chose women to be pregnant and grow healthy babies. 9 months represents the time frame of carrying a child and giving birth. From the moment we find out we are pregnant we hope, wish for a safe and happy 9 months. This is a time frame that normally is filled with the expectations of knowing that we will then meet the little one whom we have been anxiously awaiting.

Today though is different. Today I woke up to 9 months. Today for me 9 months represents the time that my daughter has been gone. 9 months ago today Jaylin passed away. My beautiful little girl has been gone for the same amount of time I should have carried her. Instead I carried her for 5 1/2 months and it was too soon. I never got to carry her for 9 months, but today I remember and reflect on the 9 months since she has been in heaven.

9 Months Since you have been gone my little Angel

Forever I have been changed by your love
Forver I will know you are in Heaven and now my angel up above
Remembering that today is the day my spirit became silent and brief
Realizing that I must live with the pain, live the sorrow and acknowledge the grief

Jaylin my love, Mommy still longs to hold you near
I still cry and weep with the sadness that you cannot physically be here
Understanding that it is He, God who chose you my little angel to Fly free
But knowing that forever my beautiful little girl you are, Forever my child you will be

On this day, I remember the memories we shared, and things I always will
I will always hold you near to my heart, along with the wanting time to stand still
9 month ago today, we said our goodbye and I let you go in peace
But goodbye did not mean forever because in heaven is where we will meet. (Again