Sunday, August 24, 2008


I'm just feeling like everything is against me. Is it really too much to ask to just be happy? I am just trying to remember what that feels like and at what point in my life could I remember being happy. I can't also remember what it feels like to not be in constant emotional pain. Seems like emotionally I have always been unhappy and I don't think anyone really knows it. I have constantly been asked on occasion, "whats wrong" "Is everything ok" they say your face never lies and it shows what your heart is feeling.

I don't know how to apologize for this. I sometimes feel like it is unfair to those who have to be around me. I can honestly think it started from feeling isolated due to infertility. In my community being a minority african american women, there aren't many others who are in my situation who are young, married and actually trying to get pregnant and have a family. I mostly come across girls and women who get pregnant accidentally, many women who find themselves pregnant and have abortions, or women who use birth control hoping and praying to never have children.

Being surrounded in this environment isolates me in my feeling of depressed, grief and anger. Who can I talk to, who can I relate to. I have not been able to find support groups in my community where I can go talk about my feeling and talk through what I am going through. The pain sometimes consumes me. Now just not infertility, but also the pain of loosing my first child, and sometimes feels like the only child I will ever have.

Feeling like the pain will never go away and I will never be happy again. What can I do? Who do I turn to...


Rebekah said...

I'm sorry you're feeling so lonely. I don't understand the infertility issues but because of the complications during the delivery of my son I have to wait before trying again. In one support group there's a woman who lost her baby at the same time I lost Levi and she's already 20 weeks pregnant. It doesn't seem fair.

mrsmuelly said...

I understand, atleast to a point. The infertility and the loss. I do feel surrounded by the accidental pregnants. But I rarely have to deal with those who wish it away-that must add another stream to the sadness. I know it would make me quite angry. I'm so sorry sweetie.