Thursday, April 7, 2011
Well, 4 years later, today is her birthday and I must say I can't believe I would've had a 4 year old!!! Hard to believe, but even harder to believe thats its been 4 years since that day she was born. Honestly, this year feels like the very beginning of everything. It feels like when everything first happened. The last 3 years seem like such a blur when trying to remember how I got through her birthday and angel anniversary date. Over the last couple days I think I have experienced every emotion I distinctly remember feeling 4 years ago today. Yesterday though, was a lot harder. Including crying in the car on the way to work and actually being happy that work was distracting enough that I was not able to be dragged into that place. I woke up this morning with a sense of peacefulness about the day and just ok enough to wish my little girl a Happy Birthday. Today I have also thought alot abot mothers who right at this same moment, may be in the hospital delivering babies way too soon just as I did on that day. The feelings I experienced, unfortunately, many mothers are experiencing. Joy mixed with excitement, anxiety, fear and uncertainty. Happy Birthday my special girl! Jaylin, today you would have been 4 years old, there is not a day that goes buy that I don't actually sit and wonder what it would have been like to have you here. There is and will always be a piece of my heart that is missing for you. Years later, I understand that things have to be the way they are, but still do not understand why. I still remember this day 4 years ago, the first time I saw you, feeling so happy that you were born but yet so afraid that you would not make it. I remember as I said my very first words to you, you moved as you knew my voice and felt my heart beating near yours. The touch of your hand wrapped around my finger, still shadows my hand to this day. The smell of you blanket, the strength you had to survive for as long as you did. SO many memories that I wish to hold on to for the rest of my life, so much tme has past yet not enough time to erase the brokeness of my heart from not being able to hold you and sing to you for your birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY LOVE!!! Hoping that you are watching over me and continuing to give me strength to wake up every morning and continue to smile and live without you.