Monday, December 31, 2007

Going Into A New Year...To Jaylin

Today as 2007 comes to a close and we welcome a new year, I feel sad. It's like I am saying goodbye to you all over again. I can't believe it's been almost 9 months that you have been gone. I still ache to hold you, my beautiful little girl, and my heart still hurts from the pain of you leaving. I have finally put your pictures in a frame and have them out for everyone to see. I have been thinking about you so much lately and can't believe how deep the feelings of pain and grief are at this point.

As I go through the rest of this day and tomorrow brings a new year, I hope. I hope for a better 2008 then 2007 and wonder what surprises the next year will bring. Last year at this time I was 6 weeks pregnant and looking forward to the best year of my life, but things changed. I now am not sure what to look forward to for the next year. I wish to continue to take it one day at a time through my journey of getting through the rest of my life without you.

I still dream about you and in all my dreams, you are alive and doing well, and when I wake up I just want to go back to sleep forever. Sleeping brings me closer to you and I would give anything to have those moments back where you were here and I could feel you and touch you and hold you near. Instead, all I have are memories. Pictures of you that tell me you were here.

It still pains me deeply and I am afraid I will never get to experience the love we shared with another baby. I pray for strength to get through each and everyday. I pray that God will bless us again to become parents to another child, but so far, it's been so hard. I miss you Jaylin, and I know things have to be the way they are, and no matter how much I cry, no matter how much I wish, you will never be here and I must understand that you have to be where you are.

So Happy New Year, my angel, and no that I love you so much and will forever carry you with me, and I look forward to the day when we can be together again.

Love Always,

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Happy Birthday To Me!

Today as I welcome my 28th birthday, I am thankful to see another year. The day started off with a beautiful card and breakfast from my husband, and I wondered. I wondered if Jaylin thought of me today. Then on the way to breakfast she sent me a sign. The most beautiful rainbow, and there it was, my sign that my beautiful little girl was in heaven and thought of me today.

I only pray that this year be filled with the joys and happiness of many wonderful things to come, and an even bigger chance to re write all the negative things I will leave behind at the age of 27. I have come to the place where I no longer think about what I should have done by now. There are many things I thought I would have accomplised and one of those is being a mother.

I really expected by this time this year that I would have a kicking and screaming baby. Instead, I sit here thinking and remembering what little time I spent with her. At first I hoped to be pregnant again by my due date, then before this year would be over, and now I hope to be pregnant by Jaylin's first birthday. But honestly, none of this matters. I just really hope to be pregnant soon and whatever soon means, it just means.

I hope it's not too long, but I have to understand that I have no control over it and there is nothing I can do but be patient and wait on the Lord. I am happy that I made it to another birthday and wish for many many more to come. But only that from here on out, the next birthday be filled with the love and happiness of being a mother.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Jaylin, I miss you!

At this moment as I am sitting here, I am thinking about Jaylin. It seems no matter how much time passes by, just when I think I am doing ok and am able to really get through each and everyday without her, it hits me. It hits me that my beautiful little girl is not here and my heart is still breaking. I still wish there was something I could say or do to bring her back.

Jaylin my love, mommy still misses you.
I am trying so hard to go through each day without you.
Still praying and asking God for strength to live without you.
Knowing that my tears, and my pain only proves it true,
that you died and went to heaven and there is nothing I can do.

Still sad and in pain that you were not meant to be,
Feeling like there is something I'm not seeing, something there I can't see.
Jaylin, I want you to know I love you so much and please help me continue to be,
Continue to be strong for you, continue to be happy you were here for 3 days,
Continue to have hope that one day I will get pregnant again and will finally hold a baby in my arms.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Just Being Angry!

I am just angry at so many things right now. Where do I begin to bring some happiness back into my life. Things are so crazy right now and all I want to do is just go somewhere and never come back. As my birthday and approaches in less than 2 weeks, I can't help but feel time slipping away from me. Sometimes I wish I could have three wishes in this life and have them come true.

I lost my job on yesterday. I knew one day it would catch up with me. Like before, doctors appointments and dealing with this infertility issue caused me to miss a lot of time from work and it came to the point where my employers could no longer accept it. I just hate how this affects my life so much. No one understands just how much of yourself suffers when you are dealing with infertility.

So now I find myself yet again with no job and feeling added stress. I just wish money was something I didnt have to worry about, but it is. Where do I go from here. It seems like the life I have now will make a big change soon. There are a couple things I want to do, but how can I? I want to go back to school so badly, and have discovered that I can do so online, but how can we afford to pay for it now that we only have one income.

I wish I could not worry about going to the doctor to get pregnant and just lean on the hope that it will happen on its own. I have spent too many years just praying and hoping it would happen and it never did. How can I go through the rest of my life and not deal with infertility. I had no idea that this would cause this much inconveinence in my life.

I am just angry at the fact that it seems like my life is going no where and I can't move ahead. I am just angry that there is added strss within my marriage because I now leave the major responsibility with my husband in taking care of all the bills and responsibilities and there is nothing I can contribute. I am just angry at the fact that I have chosen to stay home for awhile that way I can be flexible with my time leaving my mornings open for doctors appointments.

Who knows where this road of infertility will lead me. Will I ever be happy? Will I ever be able to move forward with my life? Will I have to one day except the fact that maybe Jaylin was my only child I would have. I pray she wasn't but who knows. No one understands just how I really feel on the inside. If people only could see my sould and see my inside emotions, someone would desparately want ot save me from myself.

On the outside I look happy. On the outside I look content, on the outside I look like I have everyting together, but on the inside I am dying. I pray everyday. I pray for God to give me the strength to make it through each and everyday. I pray to not let infertility define who I am, but truthfully it does. It defines who I am as a person, and who I am as a woman.

I am just angry at the fact that whenever I see a pregnant person, I ache inside. I am just angry at the fact that when I see babies or little children I feel sad on the inside. But no one knows this. I guess I could say I do a pretty good job of hiding it, but honestly its how I feel. I shouldn't pretend to not feel this way when I do. I am just angry at the fact that 8 months ago, I was pregnant and it was the happiest time of my life but yet I sit here with no baby.

I guess I'm just being angry at the fact that Jaylin is not here and my arms ache to hold her. I guess I am just being angry at the fact that I wish she was here laughing, playing and enjoying her first Christmas but she's not. I guess I am just being angry at the fact that I want to be pregnant again and it hurts that I have been trying and have yet to succeed. I guess I am just being angry that on the 2nd round of treatment I got pregnant and then had a chemical pregnancy. I guess I am just being angry at my body for not responding to this last round of treatment and putting me back at square one with not knowing whats going to happen next......

Monday, December 3, 2007

This Holiday Season...

It's officially the holiday season and I can't help but miss Jaylin so much. I decorated the christmas tree on Saturday and Halfway through, I borke down and started crying. Everything had been going fine, then all of a sudden I started thinking "Jaylin should be here watching me decorate the tree" and I could no longer contain myself. It was a very emotional moment for me, but I allowed this moment to be what it was and allowed myself to cry and get it out.

After about 20 minutes, I was finally able to peel myself up off of the kitchen floor and continue decorating. As we move closer and closer to Christmas, it just pains me that I dont have an almost 4 month old daughter to celebrate with. I also was able to get most of my Christmas shopping done this weekend and am so happy about that. Christmas has always been my favorite holiday, and I have always enjoyed Christmas shopping for my family, especially my niece and nephews.

As I did my shopping on Saturday at Target, I inadvertantly found myself strolling by the infant section. Everyone who knows me knows how much I love Winnie The Pooh, and as I passed the section that Target has with Winnie The Pooh infant apparel, I could not stop myself from going over and admiring the Baby's 1st Christmas outfits. I showed them to my husband and we both just smiled at the thought of buying this for Jaylin.

I am so glad I was able to get through this weekend and decorate the Christmas tree which holds the beautiful ornament I have for Jaylin. I love just looking at the tree as the ornament shines through the lights on the tree. I know Jaylin loves it as well and is proud of the great job I dId. Thursday will mark 8 months since she was born and Sunday will mark 8 months that she died, I am really beginning to be "ok". The closer I get to a year of my life changing, everything seems to become more clearer to me. My birthday is in two weeks as well as Christmas, and though it pains me to face this day without my beautiful little girl, I look forward to the holiday because it still is my favorite time of year.

Its when we celebrate the birth of Christ and know that "it's the reason for the season". I look forward to the year coming to an end, as I know that God has a better plan for me for the new year of 2008 and I will pray, thank him, and have faith in him that he has my beautiful little girl there with him in heaven and she will enjoy this holiday season along with me.