Sunday, August 24, 2008


I'm just feeling like everything is against me. Is it really too much to ask to just be happy? I am just trying to remember what that feels like and at what point in my life could I remember being happy. I can't also remember what it feels like to not be in constant emotional pain. Seems like emotionally I have always been unhappy and I don't think anyone really knows it. I have constantly been asked on occasion, "whats wrong" "Is everything ok" they say your face never lies and it shows what your heart is feeling.

I don't know how to apologize for this. I sometimes feel like it is unfair to those who have to be around me. I can honestly think it started from feeling isolated due to infertility. In my community being a minority african american women, there aren't many others who are in my situation who are young, married and actually trying to get pregnant and have a family. I mostly come across girls and women who get pregnant accidentally, many women who find themselves pregnant and have abortions, or women who use birth control hoping and praying to never have children.

Being surrounded in this environment isolates me in my feeling of depressed, grief and anger. Who can I talk to, who can I relate to. I have not been able to find support groups in my community where I can go talk about my feeling and talk through what I am going through. The pain sometimes consumes me. Now just not infertility, but also the pain of loosing my first child, and sometimes feels like the only child I will ever have.

Feeling like the pain will never go away and I will never be happy again. What can I do? Who do I turn to...

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Pain: Infertility, Loss & More Infertility...

The definition of pain. Physical, emotional, mental pain. There is no definition to describe the pain of loosing a child. I can't even begin to understand how it is that I am sitting here typing this when I am in so much pain. It started with the pain of infertility. The pain of infertility is great that it is one that you will never soon forget. I thought it was permanently gone from me, but as I sit her still dealing with the pain of loss, I am dealing with the pain of loss and infertility.

How do I combine the two. As I attempted to allow them both to be as they are, I find myself nearly in a state of depression. I try to wake up, not think about it and go about each day, but honestly it's a lie. How could I possibly think that I could block out what my mind is thinking when my heart is feeling the exact same thing.

I'm trying. Trying to remember that things will be better, but do I really believe that? I pray...Constantly to not allow myself to complete go back to that place, but the truth is, I'm there. I don't want to be though. I want to be happy. As far back as I could remember I have always wanted to be happy, but why must the things I want to make me happy, be so hard to come by.

Hopefully, one day soon I could atleast be on my way. I just wish I didn't have to allow myself to be back dealing with infertility yet again, when I have successfully been out of this place. SO is this considered secondary infertility, but no...because secondary infertility is when you have had a successful pregnancy and having trouble conceiving the 2nd time around. SO what do you call it when you spent almost 5 years having trouble conceiving, get pregnant with treatment, loose your baby after a perfect pregnancy due to pre term labor and IC, then have more trouble conceiving for 4 more months, get pregnant again with treatment, have a chemical pregnancy, do treatments again that dont work and sit here 8 months later and still have trouble. I just call it THE PAIN OF INFERTILITY LOSS AND MORE INFERTILITY

Monday, August 11, 2008

Back At That Place...

So many days has passed since you were here with me. I can't believe its been 1 year 4 months and 4 days since you were born into this world too soon. As I sit here and still can't believe the things that go through my mind. It seems like everybody is in a different place and has moved on, so many have gotten pregnant and given birth to beautiful healthy babies and I find myself back at that place.

I am now back at the same place I was in before you were ever born. Before I got pregnant with Jaylin, I was in the place of No Hope. I couldn't see the possibility of ever getting pregnant and having a baby. Trying and trying so hard on my own, and nothing. Fighting PCOS with infertility and hoping that God would grant me a miracle and allow me to get pregnant.

Almost 5 years after trying and with the help of a wonderful RE and infertility treatments I finally got pregnant. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted from me and I was on my way to being happy. During those past couple years of trying, I found myself battling depression and unhappiness. Putting on a face became routine and many did not know of my pain.

Now after loosing my daughter and being back at that place of battling infertility with PCOS and now combined with the loss of the beautiful little girl. The pain has greaten as I sit here struggling yet again and know that I cannot go back to my RE anytime soon as the financial struggle of paying for infertility treatments is too much right now.

It only puts me back at the place to say, why should that even be something of concern. To have to save money to pay for infertility treatment to get pregnant, when thats what I as a woman was born to do and when so many women do it naturally every single day, I have to have money to pay to help me conceive.

I am back at that place of loneliness, heartache, sadness, grief and anger. I will pray though. Pray that my heart will not remain heavy. Pray that I will smile again. Pray that the day will come that I will get pregnant and give birth to a healthy baby.