Monday, August 11, 2008

Back At That Place...

So many days has passed since you were here with me. I can't believe its been 1 year 4 months and 4 days since you were born into this world too soon. As I sit here and still can't believe the things that go through my mind. It seems like everybody is in a different place and has moved on, so many have gotten pregnant and given birth to beautiful healthy babies and I find myself back at that place.

I am now back at the same place I was in before you were ever born. Before I got pregnant with Jaylin, I was in the place of No Hope. I couldn't see the possibility of ever getting pregnant and having a baby. Trying and trying so hard on my own, and nothing. Fighting PCOS with infertility and hoping that God would grant me a miracle and allow me to get pregnant.

Almost 5 years after trying and with the help of a wonderful RE and infertility treatments I finally got pregnant. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted from me and I was on my way to being happy. During those past couple years of trying, I found myself battling depression and unhappiness. Putting on a face became routine and many did not know of my pain.

Now after loosing my daughter and being back at that place of battling infertility with PCOS and now combined with the loss of the beautiful little girl. The pain has greaten as I sit here struggling yet again and know that I cannot go back to my RE anytime soon as the financial struggle of paying for infertility treatments is too much right now.

It only puts me back at the place to say, why should that even be something of concern. To have to save money to pay for infertility treatment to get pregnant, when thats what I as a woman was born to do and when so many women do it naturally every single day, I have to have money to pay to help me conceive.

I am back at that place of loneliness, heartache, sadness, grief and anger. I will pray though. Pray that my heart will not remain heavy. Pray that I will smile again. Pray that the day will come that I will get pregnant and give birth to a healthy baby.

1 comment:

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