Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Missing Jaylin

I miss you so much Jaylin. I'm not sure why today or why so much lately. I can't believe it's been 2 years since we said goodbye to you and yet I can still remember it like yesterday watching you struggle to survive and finally having to leave that NICU room. Why couldn't you just have made it. Why did I my cervix have to give way at 22 weeks. I just wish I could have both you and Jordan here with me. He is absolutely beautiful and I know he looks a lot like you. I hope one day I can have another little girl as I know she will never replace you, but mommy's heart still hurts for you and I hope one day I can think of you without feeling so sad.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

A New Leaf!

It's been a little while since I have been here. I guess I can say I have been busy. So much times has gone by and yet I still miss you so much. I first want to thank you for sending your little brother to me and daddy. He is 3 months old now and absolutely beautiful. I look at him and just stare at the amazement that is he. I also look at him and its bittersweet as I think about you and knowing this is what I missed out on with you.

I won't say I wish I can change what happen anymore. If I had not had you and had you not went to heaven, I wouldn't have Jordan. I now know that things were meant to be the way they are. He was the one who was meant to be here with mommy and daddy. I stare at him and can't believe everything we went through to get him here. It's funny, because once he came, I still felt that emptiness that is you. Even now today, I still miss you and wish you were here. I think about if you had lived, I would have a 2 year old and a newborn. Oh how busy would I be.

Now that Jordan is 3 months old, I can think about is having a little girl. Most people don't dare think about having another baby so soon, and I'm not saying that is what I want today, but I want a little girl because I want a daughter and also because I lost my little girl.

Jaylin mommy still misses you so much and wonder if you would have looked like Jordan does. He looks a lot like me when I was his age but also looks a lot like daddy. The pain that once corrupted my heart 100% now still exists only in part. It has mainly been replaced by the joy of being a mother to my beautiful son that is your brother. Thank you my love. I will miss you forever.

Love Always,

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Happy Birthday Jaylin!!!

You would be 2 years old. Mommy can't believe it's also been 2 years since I said goodbye to you. I miss you so much Jaylin and wish you were here. I know things have to be the way they are and am so thankful that I got to spend 3 days with you. I also want to thank you for sending me your baby brother. His name is Jordan Emory and he is beautiful. I am so in love with him and am so happy that he arrived safe and sound.

Time has gone by so much and I am in a different place with my pain. I still ache for you today as I think about the things you would be doing, but know that you are in heaven and in a better place.

I love you Jaylin and Happy birthday baby girl.

Love always,