Friday, November 30, 2007

Everyday Is A New Day....

"Everyday is a new day" is what I often think to myself. This phrase helps me wake up each morning and know that today will be better than yesterday was. I started a gratitude journal in hopes of being able to look at myself and those closes to me and be thankful for them. In doing this, I find myself constantly being grateful for everyday.

I also realize that no matter how much time goes by, I will forever want Jaylin to be here with me. There is not a day that goes by that I dont find myself thinking about her, then take that moment and just reflect on what she meant to me and what she has brought to my life. I find it so funny everytime I say I miss her though. It's like how can I miss someone who I didn't share lots of memories with? I only knew her for the time I carried her, and the time she was born and lived. It's funny the things often feel and think of.

It just goes to show how strong the bond is between a mother and her unborn child. From the moment we discover we are pregnant, our hearts open up to something new. It opens and remains open to receive joy, love, and happiness for this new life growing inside us. I compare this to the same feelings that we have for God our father. We love him, have faith in him, believe in him and feel nothing but joy and happiness for him. But how do we feel such a thing for someone whom we cannot see and have never seen.

As with being pregnant, you can't see you unborn child, but feel them. We don't see God, but we feel him. We feel the unconditional love for our unborn child, as we do for God. The connection between us as a mothers is that as of people with God. I do believe thats what make the pain of loosing such a love so unbearable. Just imagine one day if you woke up and didn't feel the love God has for us. If you woke up one day and suddenly felt alone and in pain and had no idea what it felt like to have God in your life. The thought alone is unthinkable.

It brings me solace to know the unconditional love, joy and happiness that I feel for Jaylin is the same love, joy and happiness that I feel for God and knowing that she is in heaven with him brings a comfort to my heart that is enough to get me through the rest of my life. When the pain is arise, when the sorrow of loosing her seems to rise above me emtionally, I must remember that there is a greater lesson here. I have come to realize that "it's not the things that happen to us in our life that determine who we are", but it's "how we deal with the things that happen in our life that determine who we are". I have come to realize that bad things happen in our life to shape and make us into better people. Just think that if nothing bad ever happened to us in our lives, how would we know how to trust, love, protect and forgive. It is the bad things in our lived that shape the happiness we feel when good things happen.

We were created as people and put here in this world of sin. Being in this world comes with many many lessons to be learned. I dont believe we can go through life without pain and disappointment. But I do believe that how we deal with the pain and disappointment shows what lessons we have learned. I just wonder if the day will ever come when I will wake up and not feel the pain of loosing my baby. I wonder if the day will ever come where I wake up and not want her to be here with me. I wonder if I will ever wake up and not feel my arms ache to hold her.

"Everyday is a new day" is what I will continue to say to myself and know that with each and everyday, things will get better. I will continue to look deep within myself and know that everything happens not for a reason, but happens just as it should, as it is all apart of God's ultimate plan for our lives. Will we know why? maybe not, but we will understand why someday.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

What Happens, Happens!

I can't believe it's been almost 8 months since I have been pregnant and had Jaylin. It seems like only yesterday my world changed forever. Time really does fly by without you even realizing it. For many many years now I have dealt with pain and suffering through my journey of infertility, and right now on my so called "time out" from all of it, this feeling is all to familar. Every year that we would try month after month and nothing would happen, I would get fustrated and just give up and not want to try anymore. I got so tired of going through each month and no period but still trying and hoping that God would grant me a miracle.

Looking back, I had no idea when I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, that it meant I would have trouble getting pregnant. I knew it meant it caused a hormonal imbalance in my body that prevented me from ovulating, but I had no idea the magnitude of how it would affect me. I continued to try month after month just praying for a miracle. None came and eventually my hope was gone. Through it all my husband continued to remind me that "it will happen". Even going through the fertility treatments for the first time, I was not sure if I really believed it would work.

So when I discovered I was pregnant, I really couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe that after everything we had been through over the years, we were finally being blessed with our miracle baby. But something changed. What happened? Why did this blessing turn into such a trajedy? I was happy. I thanked God for allowing me the opportunity to be pregnant, so why did all of a sudden it was not meant to be anymore.

I will never forget the events that lead me to write this blog. I continue to replay them over and over in my mind, to remember. I continue to want to remember the pain, for somehow the pain keeps me close to Jaylin. There are still a million things I would do differently had I been given another chance. The events that lead me to write this blog will forever be a part of my life and so will she.

I often find myself jealous. Jealous of other pregnant women. When I see them, oh how I wish it were me. Though I am often envious of pregnant women, I am more envious and jealous of women who are able to conceive and get pregnant on their own without medical interventional. It really pains me that I can't just get pregnant on my own just by looking at my husband. We often jok about how much we love each other and wish that we could conceive our child on our own.

The pain of not being able to do this is almost too unbearable for words. Though I know there are many women who can get pregnant and continue to have multiple miscarriages. Not saying that my situation is even worse than theirs, but being able to get pregnant is by far the greatest blessing. If you can conceive on your own, then you can continue to try God forbid if something happens. But what happens when you go through fertility treatments to get pregnant after trying for so long, then loose your baby at a time during the pregnancy where you would dare expect something to happen, then find yourself back where you started with more fertility treatments to help you concieve again?

Going back to my fertility specialist the second time around brought on so many emotions for me. I couldn't believe I was back at this office where I had just been the previous year. I can't explain the feelings I had when the specialist office called me the day before to find out why I was returning to them so soon (after all the last time they say me I was 7 weeks pregnant). having to tell them what happen and hear how "sorry they were". Knowing that I would have to yet again go through more treatment after giving it a try on our own for 4 months and nothing.

What happens when after undergoing another round of treatment, and for just 24 hours I got to be happy to get a positive pregnancy test. Halloween, October 31st 2007 was another happy day for me in a long time. The digital clear blue easy home pregnancy test."Pregnant" were the words across the screen. I found myself yet again taking a sigh of relief as I couldn't believe I was finally going to be happy and feel life within my womb. It was at that moment in the bathrooom that I placed my hand on belly and said to this new life forthcoming "you have no idea how much I loved you".

This baby would be special. This baby would be the one to show me that God did not forget me. That eventhough he took away my beautiful miracle baby, he did make sure to bless me yet again with another. The emotions that overcame me, I can't seem to put into words. The hopes, the dreams, the things to do differently this time around. I accepted that ok, my lesson was learned when Jaylin died, and now it was my turn to be the mother I had always dreamed of being. Knowing that I was given another chance and yet again, I thanked God.

What happens when just the very next day at the dr office when my hcg levels were checked, and I discover that they are only 5.4 and this pregnancy will not progress. Chemical Pregnancy. What? How could this be. I had just thanked God for this new baby, just prayed and accepted that Jaylin was gone and that I could begin a new with another one. My heart yet again fell into a million pieces. For whatever reason I found myself into a category I could not understand. Most chemical pregnancies happen in first pregnancied and there was no explanation for it.

What could I do? But accept it for what it was and move on. At that moment I just said "you know what, this is bad, but if I could get through loosing Jaylin, then this is ok". On to another month of treatment. Nov. 4, 2007 is when cycle of treatment #3 started and we found ourselves back on this rollercoaster of trying to become parents.

What happens when this month, nothing happens. When the treatment I had so much faith in and helped me conceive and get pregnant twice, stops working. When my body decided to say it didn't want to work any longer and just sort of haulted. Now I found myself in the middle of a month, in the middle of a cycle of treatment that didn't work. I now have an injection of a HCG "trigger shot" sitting in the fridge that I look at every single day and will not get use. So now it sits there looking back at me. Me looking at it as it was my hope for my next pregnancy.

What happens now that the dr wants to sit down and discuss a more aggressive form of treatment. Agressive? In other words more invasive, more expensive, more demanding. What do we do? What do we do when we want to do everything remotely possible to get pregnant. What guarantees do we have that things will work out. How do we know we can afford this again. How do I know I won't loose my job due to too much time away from work for dr appointments.

What happens when my dr appt falls 2 1/2 months away and there is nothing I can do but wait. Wait to even try and attempt to get pregnant. When the rest of the world is continuing to move through their daily lives and I feel stuck. When those I know who are pregnant will continue to grow each and everyday and I pray for happy healthy babies for them, but wish the same for myself.

I know what happens. I take it one day at a time. One hour at a time, one minute at a time. I pray for God to give me the strength to continue to get through the things that have paved the way for me through my journey over the last 4 1/2 years. I look to the future and know that it holds great things for me. I hold dear the things around me i.e. my husband, family and friends. I think about Jaylin and know that she is where she is supposed to be and she was only meant to be here for the time she was and she was chosen to be my daughter to teach me lesson I continue to learn everyday.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

The End of Another Year....The Beginning of Another!

As my 28th birthday approaches next month, I can't help but feel it again. Here I go again with another birthday without being a mother. I really didnt expect this one to turn out this way, but then again, I am sure this is the way God has always had it planned. I should be celebrating with my daughter, but instead I will be making a birhtday wish that next years birthday be filled with the love and joy of being a parent.

The last couple birthdays have all been different. Though they all have included pain and feeling sad. Last years birthday so far was the best. I found out I was pregnant December 1st and my birthday is on December 23rd. I was 6 1/2 weeks pregnant on my birthday last year and felt great. I couldn't believe I finally had life growing inside me. That had to be the best thing about being pregnant.

Now as I remember what that birthday felt like, it makes this years birthday sad. I miss feeling my daughter move inside me, I miss knowing that everyday brought me a little closer to her being her. The year 2007 is quickly approaching an end and I wonder what unexpected things 2008 will bring. I pray for next year to bring a rainbow through this storm I have been through. I pray that next year will finally shed some light on why things have been so hard for me lately.

I know the passing of each day brings a new day. The ending of one year, marks the beginning of another. Its only after going through the rain and tha pain that I can see the sun and know exactly what it was that God was trying to show me. I thank him. For allowing me to have 22 weeks and 6 days with my daughter inside me. I thank him for allowing me to have 3 days of her being here on earth to bring such joy to my heart. As this year approaches its end, I look forward to next year bringing happiness within my heart and hope within my spirit as I once had.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Becoming Stronger!

For some reason today, I found myself thinking about Jaylin's last moments. She took her last breath at 10:27 a.m. I guess because today is Monday. She died on a Monday morning and for the first couple months following, whenver it came around to Monday morning, I would remember. I remember seeing my bff and her godmoher, crying after just coming from seeing her. I think back on this day and just wished I had went back to see her after she had already died.

I would give anything to have that moment back again. Time has definately moved forward and I continue to struggle behind it. This year is coming to an end and all I can do is hope for better things for next year. Time has moved along and so has the world, but my heart continues to stay in the pain. I know everything I am experiencing right now will make me a much more stronger person, and I know I will look back at all the pain I have gone through and realize that it was all part of what God is trying to show me.

I miss Jaylin so much and am really wishing she was here. I find myself looking at her picture in my wallet a lot lately. I'm wondering is it because its the time of year where I got pregnant with her. Saturday marks the day one year ago that I found out I was pregnant with her. I will never forget going to the ER because of a pain I was feeling. Not knowing I was feeling the pain that resulted from implantation.

Oh what I wouldn't give to go back in time and start all over again relive every moment of my first pregnancy. I know God will bless us again to be pregnant and give birth to a healthy baby. I just feel so left out when I see pregnant people. I look around and see some of my closest friends with mulitple children. All whom have been born since I have been with my husband. I saw one of my good friends on yesterday and she is almost 7 months pregnant with baby number 3. I can still remember when she didn't have any children.

I try to take solace in the fact that things will work out for us when they are supposed to. I guess the hardest part is knowing that it's not suppose to work out when I want it to, but when God's wants it to. I will continue to pray and ask God for strength as this journey is still so difficult and long. I have been on it for almost 5 years now, and the minute I was halfway there, halfway through the pain and reaching happiness finally. It was taken away and my heart was broken in a million pieces. Now I have been fighting the fight to restore the hope I once had. Day by day I am getting stronger and continue to fight this battle. Only now the battle is so much more greater than it used to be. The battle started with infertility. Now the battle I face is infertility, loss and grief.

Stronger is what I actually strive to be. Stronger is what I want my next tattoo to be. Stronger is what I am becoming and what I know my end result will be once I thrived through the pain and accept the reality of what it means to be stronger.

Friday, November 23, 2007

Happy Thanksgiving Jaylin!

Happy Thanksgiving Jaylin. I miss you so much my beautiful little girl. I am thankful this Thanksgiving to have been pregnant with you and carried you for 22 weeks and 6 days. I am thankful to have seen the miracle baby you were. I can't believe that I actually saw you alive and moving. Feeling you grab my hand and the touch you gave me was more than I can express in words.

You have a new little cousin who also happens to be named Jaylen, but you probable already knew that. He was born two weeks ago and I thank you for making sure he arrived safe and sound. He is the most handsome little boy I have ever seen. I held him on yesterday and kept thinking how I wish it was you I was holding. My arms still ache for you to fill them. My breast still ache to put you to them. I know its God's plan and his will for you to be with him in heaven.

I know his will was for you to not be here with me and Daddy. For reasons I may never know, I was chosen to be your mom. For reasons I may never know, you were chosen to be here on earth for just 3 days. For reasons I may never know, I was chosen to experience the pain of infertility as I try and make my dream of becoming a mother come true.

Happy Thanksgiving my angel. As I get through this holiday without you, I want you to know that there will be many holidays to come, but none that will not allow me the time to reflect on the memory of you. There will be more happy moments to come into my life I'm sure, but know that as long as I live, you will live. As long as I live, you will be remembered. Its on This Thanksgiving that I am thankful to call myself a mother to an angel in heaven.

I Love You Jaylin,
Love Mommy

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Trying To Be Hopeful and Have Faith!


I am feeling such peace as a few days ago, I decided to put trying to get pregnant completely out of my mind. I wont be seeing the dr again until february and there is pretty much nothing I can do in the mean time to help my chances of conceiving. Therefore, it feels so much better to just not think about it at all. Since making this decision I have slept so much better in the last couple days, not having to worry about being to the dr at a certain time, doing bloodwork, worrying about what my ultrasound will show.

What will make this journey through the next 2 and a half months sad is seeing other pregnant women and feeling so jealous that its not me. I have been there before. Year after year just yearning to feel life within my womb. Now that I have actually been pregnant, it breaks my heart. I loved every minute of feeling my daughter move inside me. Now I would give anything just to have that again. Whats also sad about it is that I don't remember anything else about being pregnant.

I wish for a miracle to happen while waiting to go to the dr. Maybe God will bless me and allow me to get pregnant on my own. I wont count on it and am not expecting it to happen. I just wish Jaylin was here to celebrate this Thanksgiving with us. I really wish she was here. I still can't believe that my beautiful little girl is gone. So precious, so gentle. She only needed love and thats the one thing I could have promised her for the rest of her life.

I hope she knows how much I loved her and wanted her to be here with me. I am finally starting to understand that this is all a part of God's plan. That no matter what you do, nothing happens until God allows it to happen. Its like eventhough I went through the treatment to get pregnant, loosing my daughter showed me that just because you get pregnant, it doesnt mean you will have a baby. Pregnancy does not always equal a baby.

I have told myself also, that if I do get blessed with another chance to have a baby, I will cherish and be oh so thankful for that rainbow baby that God has allowed to come into my life.That if for some reason that rainbow baby happens to be my only baby, I will be thankful. For whatever reason if I decide to try and get pregnant again and it doesn't work out, I will thank God for allowing me the opportunity to atleast give birth to another child.

I thank him for my angel in heaven who continues to watch over me and give me strength when I feel like I have none. I thank him for allowing me to experience what it is like to be a mother and feel the love a child brings into your life. I thank him for showing me that he is the creator of all things and I can do all things through Christ that strenghtens me.

I pray for strength to make it through this holiday season with HOPE. Hope that the next year will be filled with joy, surprises, and happiness that will come and will show me that the pain I am experiencing now was well worth it.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

The Waiting Game

Well, my appt was only the beginning of my feeling down. The dr has advised that my body has stopped responding to the treatment. There is no real explanaton except that it happens. We now have to sit down and come up with another plan for treatment. Something more agressive. The thing about this is that my appt is not until February. Which means 3 months of not being pregnant. I really can't believe that this is what I am going through after the year I have had.

I would completely understand this happening on my first cycle of treatment, but I have been pregnant twice, and now my body acts as if it never even happened. I dont even know how I am feel about all this. I am devistated, in pain, want to scream. How am I going to get through this time and not go crazy. It's just so unfair that I have gotten pregnant and lost my daughter halfway through my pregnancy, had a chemical pregnancy after 7 months and now needing aggressive fertility treatments to conceive #3.

I guess its time for me to focus my attention on doing something else. I need to figure out what it is that I need to do to get through this time in a positive light.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Keeping The Faith!

Today back at the doctor's office for the 3rd time in one week. My follicles are still not growing. The largest one measured at 14cm on Tuesday, then the same on Friday. This morning, the largest one continues to remain at 14cm. Friday, the dr advised that now he wants to move on to treatment called "super ovulation". This consists of a higher dose of clomid and injections everyday to produce ovulation. So far my cost has been $2,995.00 I am so afraid that the cost for the next treatment will be too much for us to afford. I hope to hear from the dr today and see if possible to get a round about cost for the treatment for next cycle.

I just can't believe that I am having such a hard time getting pregnant this time around. I could have accepted this all a little better if this were my first cycle of treatment, but I am experiencing such difficulty after having been successfully pregnant for almost 6 months. Its been 7 months since Jaylin passed, and we have been actively trying for 5 months now. I guess this month, it just wasn't meant to be. I am continuing to try and remain strong and remember that this is all a part of God's plan.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Positive Insight!

I pray that everyday continues to bring forth something positive within my life. As I gradually approach the age of 30 in a couple years, I am starting to feel my life changing. I want so much to be happy and now I am in the process of discovering what that means. Its funny how suddenly life begins to take on a whole new meaning. Where do I start? How do I begin? Begin to pick up the pieces of my life to help build the rest of my life.

Currently working as an Office Administrator, its the first job that I have actually had where I like it. At the same time its not fulfilling. Ever since I lost my daughter, my life seems to need more meaning to it. I take it as one of the many lessons she taught me. To be happy and follow whatever dreams I may have. My husband also has a good job and has been stable at that job for many years now, but he also finds it less fulfilling and needing something more meaningful and to his liking.

I wish I could just wake up and everything begins to fall into place. This I know will not come without hard work, determination and sacrifices. I am honestly at the point where I just want to quit my job, but the only thing currently keeping me here is the fact that financially right now I have to be here. Going through this fertility treatment process again has been very costly and my husband is not able to carry the load on his own. He needs me to help him and as his wife, its exactly what I have to do. So basically I am only working to bring in the extra money we really need right now to support ourselves.

I am thinking of my plan of moving forward and it will start once I become pregnant. My concern has always been when I do have a child, I am not to keen on putting them in daycare when maternity leave is up, so my thought is to remain home with them for awhile, maybe 6 months or so. Then start my journey then on getting my life together as far as career wise. This whole process of infertility has completely consumed my life and therefore taken on the more important role, rather than my career. Though I am glad it has happened this way. I couldn't have imagined if I had persued my career first, and put off having children til later, then my infertility issues would have been much greater.

I pray and have faith that becoming pregnant will only be the beginning of many many dreams fulfilled for me and my husband as we continue to embark on this journey of making our dreams of becoming parents come true. It will only be the first step through many more steps of happiness. I dont understand how many people can work at a job that is not satisfying to them. I personally don't see this as being happy. Going to work everyday from 9-5 working for someone else, putting all this time and energy into something that only benefits the company you work for and for what? A paycheck. Well, a paycheck can be earned almost anywhere.

I challenge everyone to fulfill their dreams, if you are working or doing something now that is not allowing you to accomplish the things you want in life, then you need to stop. I challenge everyone to find what it is that makes them happy an do whatever necessary to help them get exactly that. Its only after you have overcome obstacles, made sacrifices and most improtantly worked very hard to reach your goals, that you will be able to look at what you have done and really truly feel complete happiness.

Monday, November 12, 2007


I'm beginning to feel nervous as I get into this week. Tomorrow is my doctors appt on CD 12 to check my follicles to see if they are ready for my HCG injection "the trigger shot". This will be my third cycle of whats called a "mini stim" which is minimal stimulation of ovulation with timed intercourse. The first try worked and I got pregnant which was exactly 1 year ago on Nov. 15th Unfortunately my pregnancy ended at 22 weeks due to pre term labor and my daughter passed away. My husband and I started trying again on our own 2 months later and I made an appt back at the fertility clinic at that time just in case we needed help again. We really hoped that we would be successfull. 4 months went by and nothing, which ended up being in August. Add that to the 4 years we were already going through and it just brings more fustration.

We found ourselves back at square one where we started a year ago in August. Fast forward to October where we yet again started another round of treatment. I was immediately confident that it would work and that we would be happy again soon. October 31st I got the best news of my life "I'm Pregnant" were the words that came across the pregnancy test. I was overjoyed and couldn't believe that I was yet again blessed and on this journey, only this time I was confident that this time I would get to bring home a healthy baby. Never could I have imagined that the outcome would be different.

The next day I found myself back at the dr to do bloodword to confirm the pregnancy only to find out later that day from my nurse that it was a Chemical Pregnancy. The next day I started my period and saw would should have been my new little bundle of joy. DEVISTATION is the exact word to describe what I was feeling at the time. I had no idea that I could possibly experience something like this, but was able to quickly recover as I had been through worse when I loss my daughter. A chemical pregnancy in no way could compare to the loss of my daughter halfway through my pregnancy. I was able to pick myself up, but still feel as though I have loss another child, or similar to having a miscarriage. Eventhough I had never experienced a miscarriage, I compare my chemical pregnancy to exactly that.

The next day following my chemical pregnancy again I was back at the dr office to confirm the chemical pregnancy and to make sure everything was ok to start another round of treatment right away. I was a little relunctant go ahead this month as I was feeling overwhelmed and discourage and really feeling like I wanted to give up. My appt did not go well as I was told I had developed a cyst due to the medication from the treatment, as well as my uterine lining was really really thick, due to it trying to prepare for a pregnancy. The news of this just devistated me even more, but I continued to remain strong and understood I had to continue through this process.

Later that day I would get the go ahead to start treatment. First it was to start clomid for cycle days 3-7 which I have completed. Cycle day 9 was my FSH injection which my husband did for me this past Saturday and now cycle day 12 on tomorrow for my ultrasound to see if I can do my HCG injection which will trigger ovulation. Now if everything works out tomorrow them the following two days is timed intercourse and then on to the dreaded 2 week wait. I am not very optimistic about the appt tomorrow though, because each time I have had my ultrasound on cycle day 12 my follicles are never ready. They have to be atleast 20mm and they normally reach that size on cycle day 14. So tomorrow when the ultrasound tech gives me the news I will try and promise myself to not get upset.

In saying that I probably will still be upset, but its so routine now that I am getting so tired of the whole process. I know this is just part of God's plan for me to go through these obstacles in order to make my dream of becoming a mother my reality. So here I sit and wait. Wait to see if the 3rd time will be the charm and my dream will finally play out the way I have always dreamed it would, with a screaming, beautiful, healthy baby. I wait to see if this will be a very special birthday and christmas for me. I wait to see if my life will be changing.

Friday, November 9, 2007


Today 7 months ago my world changed forever. Today I said goodbye to my miracle. I can't believe that 7 months have gone by and it feels like just yesterday we were saying our last goodbye. It's 9:34 a.m. and at this tme on this day months ago, I saw you for the last time. You were so beautiful. Still kicking and moving allowing many memories to be made. The tears I left on you would not be enough to keep your heart beating.

Today many months ago, my heart was breaking. Seeing you struggle to survive and hearing the constant beeping sound from your montior tell us that your heart rate was continuing to drop. My heart was breaking. I remember being in a daze. In shock, not really aware of what was going on around me. Everyone was there and offered so much support, but none of this is what I wanted. I wanted you to be healthy, I wanted you to be ok.

Today 7 months ago I screamed, I hollered, I became hysterical. How could this have happened. Why did you have to go. I just want you to be here with me and me not be here remember this day that you left me here on earth with empty arms and a broken heart.

Today 7 months ago I saw daddy cry for the first time. To see the pain in his eyes that he felt because mommy was hurting. To see the pain he felt watching his first born child suffer and him not be able to do anything to save her. Watching him kiss you and tell you how much he loved you.

Today I continue to cry for you. Jaylin you went to heaven today and I hope you were welcomed with open arms. You really were so beautiful and there are so many things you accomplished during the 3 days that we spent with you.

You brought mommy and daddy into a new spiritual way in our relationship. The bond we had before you came was strong. After your arrival, our relationship became something neither of us could have ever imagined. We learned that there is nothing on earth that can divide the love we have for each other. We learned that our family and friends deeply care for us and would do anything to bring comfort to our sorrowing hearts. We learned that loosing you meant we had to fill the emptiness you left behind by leaning on each other for support.

In the weeks following your passing, I shut down. The reality of what happened really hit me. I could not be left alone, I cried every second I thouht of you and held on to my favorite winnie the pooh bear. During your last hours there are a couple regrets I have.

I regret not ever holding you. Watching you suffer and seeing you attached to te ventilator and hooked up to so many tubes looked very scary. I did not want to take anything way in the fear that it would cause you more discomfort. To wish and wish that at this moment I was holding you. I regret not taking the blanket home that you lay on those 3 days, to just know that it held you and I didnt keep it hurts me. I regret not being with you at your last moment. Not holding you as you took your last breath and allowing you to be close to my heart again.

I regret not seeing you after you were gone and seeing the peaceful look upon your face that your god mother saw. I regret not being in the room when you were given a bath. Oh how I wish I would have given it to you. Oh how I wish I was there when they came to take you away. Little did I know the process you would go through to finally be at home with me now. I am so blessed to finally have your ashes stuffed in that same winnie the pooh bear that I held, which I still hold that now also holds you and have it sit next to our bed.

I still have so many questions that I will never get answers to. Why was I allowed to experience the death of my child. Why did I have to go into labor early. Why did you have to be born at 22 weeks and not 40 weeks. Why oh Why.

Jaylin I can say that today after 7 months have passed, I can smile again. You send me Rainbows to let me know you are ok. You hold my hand when I cry to let me know you are there. You give me strength to wake up every single day and face another one without you. Yu give me hope that another baby is on the way. You bring me tears when I think of how beautiful you were and what joy and happiness you brought to my life.

Today. Today I am grateful. Grateful for the 22 weeks and 6 days that I carried you. I am grateful for the 3 days I got to spend with you. I am grateful for the lessons you have shown me. That 1 there is life within my womb. 2 I can give birth to a child. 3 that I have cervical incompetence and will need to take so many necessary precautions to bring a healthy baby into the world. 4 I would not know what it means to love someone unconditionally. I mean I loved you from the moment I knew you were coming. The bond we shared for 5 1/2 is one I will treasure for the rest of my life.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Trying To Find My Way

I am trying to find my way. Everyday begins a new and I try to make it. I am thankful to God for so many things.
I thank him for life, I thank him for Health, I thank him for my wonderful husband. I am thankful to God for allowing me the strength to make it through each and everyday without the other half of my heart Jaylin.

Somtimes I feel like a fish in a tank wanting to get out and away, but dont know my direction. I am trying to find my way. Through this world full of pain and sorrow. I guess thats why we all hope to go to heaven. A place where there is no pain, no suffering, only joy and happiness.

Trying to find my way in a world full of women who are pregnant and will deliver healthy babies. What a wonderful gift from God and I wish every woman in the world who is expecting a baby, the joy of motherhood and a successful healthy pregnancy. In saying that, I wish the same for myself. Trying to find my way through the pain I feel when seeing a pregnant woman and wishing it were me. Why does a pregnant belly have to feel like a sharp pain in my stomach when I see it.

In trying to find my way, I am also trying to figure out which way is my way. Right now I am trying not to cry, trying not to be angry, trying not to breakdwon, trying not to want to wake up tomorrow and face another day without her.
I am trying to find my way. Oh I am trying to find my back to where she and I can be together again.

"The Reality Of My Life"

"Trying so hard to accept the reality of my life". I conitnue to repeat this statement to myself in the hopes that I will finally believe what I am saying. There are many things in life we are in process of doing. Trying to finish school, trying to get through a work week, trying to save money, trying to buy a house, trying to reach many goals we have set for ourselves.

In trying to accomplish such things, what happens with something comes in and interrupts it all? What happens when you wake up one day and dont know what it is that you are trying to do? As I sit here thinking about my life, I am not sure what I want to accomplish. The one thing I have always wanted to accomplish in life that I was certain about was to be married and to be a mother. In between doing these things, I can't really say what it is that I would like to do. There are many things I like doing, but how do you turn them all into one thing.

Three years ago I have managed to accomplish being a wife. April 17, 2004 I married my best friend. What an accomplishment this has been. The love of my life, the person with whom I would live the rest of my life, and its been exaclty what I expected it to be. Along the way for the past 4 1/2 years I have WANTED to bring my dream of becoming a mother a reality. In process of doing so, I discovered there would be obstacles along the way.

How do I accomplish my dream of becoming a mother when the word INFERTILITY exists. How do I accept the fact that there will be no "surprise pregnancy", no "accident" or "slip up". Accomplishing my dream little did I know would be achieved by Specialists, Many Many Many doctors appointments, many test, many procedures, many disappointments, many failed attempts, and so much PAIN.

I've spent the past 4 years in so much pain. There has been a black cloud hanging over my head following me around like a shadow. No one would believe how many days I have cried. No one would understand how many tears I have cried. If I could fill buckets with tears it would honestly be a sea. The magnitude of this pain is undescrible unless you yourself have endured it. So many spend years trying to prevent such a dream, so many have spent hundreds of dollars getting rid of this dream after it is already on the way here. To try and put into words how to describe the feelings that you possibly will not be able to make your dream come true, is a hard one.

"Trying to accept the reality of my life". The reality of my life is that INFERTILITY is part of my life and will be for the rest of my life. To describe to someone what its like, is to describe being disabled. Having a disability is the best way to describe what its like to do everything imagineable to conceive on your own and not be able to . The pain I have endured for the last couple years is one some could never imagine. I myself couldnt have imagined it.The reality of my life is that I my husband and I have been together for 8 years total and 3 1/2 years married and during this process there was never a time where I got pregnant, not once.

The reality of my life is that I am in so much pain. the reality of my life is that I am not happy. I love my husband, our marriage is great, I am happy with him, but HAPPINESS is not how I can honestly describe my life right now. The reality of my life is that I am AFRAID. the reality of my life is consumed with INFERTILITY+ PAIN, JOY+SORROW, HAPPINESS+ SADNESS.

The reality of my life is that I did experience the HAPPINESS that women feel at some point in their lives, if they are lucky. After so many test, PCOS(Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome), not ovulating on my own. More than 8 rounds of CLOMID, many ultrasounds, injections to make my body do what it wasnt doing, I was finally able to repeat the words I'M PREGNANT. Oh what joy. The pain I had endured for so long brought such HAPPINESS. What happens when this happiness is short lived, not once but TWICE now.

The reality of my life is that CERVICAL INCOMPETENCE is now a part of my life. The reality of my life is that my daughter was born 18 weeks sooner than she should have. The reality of my life is that I saw my daughter fight for her life for two days and THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO TO SAVE HER. The reality of my life is that, my daughter took her last breath and the pain I felt could not bring her back.

"Trying to accept the reality of my life". Two months after loosing my daughter my reality become trying again. I mean I had been trying for 4 years, succeeding once, I could not allow loosing her to keep me from achieving my dream of being a mother. I mean it would all for nothing if one day I cant have a healthy child and remember what I went through to get one here. My reality became 4 months of not succeeding and returning to the place that made my dream come true at one point. Once again I found myself with another procedure with the hope that it would end the way my miracle child had come into my life.

My reality then became HAPPINESS yet again. I'M PREGNANT are the words the home pregnancy test read. JOY once more. Thank you were my exact words. Thankful to God for allowing my pain to be subsided. Little did I know my reality would not be the same in 24 hours.
CHEMICAL PREGNANCY were the words the doctor advised me. PAIN became my friend again. Having edured PAIN OF INFERTILITY, JOY OF PREGNANCY(5 1/2 months), GRIEF OF LOSS, PAIN OF INFERTILITY, JOY OF PREGNANCY(24 hours), I found myself back in PAIN.

"Trying to accept the reality of my life". The reality of my life is now I have loss my daughter and had a chemical pregnancy, and now I find myself yet again continuing to try to accomplish my dream of becoming a mother my reality. I find myself yet again getting ready to endure another round of treatment in the hopes of not only a positive home pregnancy test, not only making through the 1st and 2nd trimesters, but the hopes of carrying a pregnancy to term and finally, finally being able to bring home a happy healthy baby and LIVE MY DREAM of being a mother.
"Trying to accept the reality of my life". The reality of my life right now is that there is no reality for me. Right now there is only my dream. My dream of becoming a mother.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Words of Comfort!

I wanted to post the comforting words I have been receiving over the last couple months. Thank you to those of you who visited Jaylin's web page and signed her guestbook. You have no idea how much your words really meant to me. I cherish these very words and will forever hold them dear to me and remember how much they helped me get throgh a very difficult time. Thanks again!

9/4/2007 1:15:29 PM
Hi Jaylin, Its Mommy. Just wanted to let you know I am thinking about you. I love and miss you so much!

9/4/2007 2:13:25 PM
Eboni - Though your grief and pain are great, your love for Jaylin is by far the greatest of all. I often think of your journey after losing Jaylin, and know that you are strong and will find peace and love as time passes. Take care!

Jen & Angel Danielle
9/4/2007 3:53:12 PM
Jaylin, I am one of our mommy's friends from BabyCenter. I know that your mommy loves you very much, and that you are watching over her all the time.

Caren and Angel Brooke
9/4/2007 2:18:38 PM
Eboni - Your wesite is a beautiful tribute to Jaylin. I know she is proud of you. May you find comfort in knowing that our angels only knew love...and that Jaylin only knew of your love for her.

9/4/2007 5:04:32 PM

Beth and angel Joshua
9/4/2007 7:24:28 PM
Jaylin,sweet precious girl,Shine your love down on your mommy and daddy~They love and miss you oh so much! Eboni~Thank you for sharing Jaylin with all of us at babycenter! Your a wonderful mother! Your family is in my thoughts and prayers!

9/4/2007 9:50:40 PM
Jaylin, what a beautiful site your mommy is making for you here. She is such a strong and caring woman and I know you are very proud of her. Maybe you could whisper in Gods ear and send down a little brother or sister for your mommy and daddy real soon.

9/4/2007 9:58:26 PM
Dear Eboni, I am so sorry for the loss of you darling Jaylin. I wish we could of met under different circumstances. I pray for you and yours. with much love, Kristeen & Shea Marie

Amy and angel Christian
9/5/2007 11:57:41 AM
Precious girl, you are so loved by your mommy and daddy, and I feel privileged to have heard all about your time that you were here on Earth. Much peace and healing to you Eboni.

Tiffany Rowe
9/6/2007 7:37:45 AM
Hi Eb- You, Pooh and Jaylin are always in my prayers. I think the Lord needed a beautiful and sweet person to bring Jaylin into the world so that he could take her for himself. I know it's hard now but He will make it easier by the day. Jaylin has what we all spend our whole lives trying to do, get a seat and everlasting life with our Lord and Saviour. As hard as it maybe to grasp right now, she is an Angel and is smiling down on you. Oneday you will join her and she will tell you of all her thoughts and how grateful she is to you for bringing her into the world so that our Master could take care of her. There is no better caregiver. Love Tiff

9/8/2007 7:26:34 AM

Jana and Angel Carson
9/9/2007 12:53:22 PM
What a beautiful website! You are such a beautiful woman. You, your DH, and Jaylin are in my prayers.

Linda Anderson
milw,Wi /usa
9/12/2007 11:20:21 AM
My Dear Eboni,i pray for better days for you honey.Jaylin send mommy a sign from you.I think she could use one right about now.And please ask God to help mommy and daddy to have a baby brother or sister for you.They miss you so much sweetheart.Keep watching over them.Just wanted to talk to you honey.Eboni take care and know i am thinking of you all. With so much love linda

Sharon( 0607Angel)
Atlanta, GA.
9/12/2007 12:12:43 PM
I have been lurking on BBC for about 2 months.I lost my baby boy @16 weeks, also due to IC. Reading your posts, rooting for you to get out of the pit has helped me tremendously.Once I catch up I'll be on the boards again.God Bless you sister!!

9/12/2007 1:54:54 PM
Eboni you did such a wonderful job on Jaylin's website! I'm sure she is proud!!

Miami, Florida
9/13/2007 4:27:53 PM
Hi Jaylin, This is your dear godmother. You have certainly brought your mom and dad closer in love, life and relationship. You have actually opened eyes to your family letting us all know that there is a God and blessings do come. Jaylin you will always be in our hearts and in our minds we will forever love you.

Jill ~Haley~ McCorm
Iowa. USA
9/27/2007 2:01:53 PM
Eboni, Your site for Jaylin is beautiful!! Im sure she loves it too! Im very Thankful to have met you! Take care and I think of you often! Jill (from bbc)

Jenn (^Sophie^'s mommy)
Richmond, VA
9/27/2007 1:04:21 PM
Eboni- I love your website!Everyone can see how much you guys love little Jaylin. Your journal entries are so touching and the tattoo is beautiful! I don't think I've ever seen a cuter angel :)

Journal Entries!

I wanted to post my journal entries from the early months after Jaylin passed. In hoping they will continue to inspire me to continue to keep writing and to be able to help others.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

its been almost 5 months since you have bee gone. Mommy misses you so much. The pain of you leaving is still so hard to bear. I cant believe that you came into my life, then slipped away. Every time I look down at this scar I have, it reminds me of that fateful day. To look at it and know the reason its there is because you were taken away from me. I am in such pain over you not beeing here baby girl. As time moves forward and everyone is still living their lives, I am STILL. Silently I cry, silently I scream. Why Why Why did you have to go.



Thursday, September 06, 2007

Hi Jaylin, its mommy. Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you. So many people have already signed your guestbook and its not even finished yet. I have been wondering lately, Do you miss me as much as I miss you? Mommy misses you so much. I wish I could hold you as I type this. I never knew I could love someone so much that I never even met. The first time I saw you...I will never forget what I felt at that moment. Looking at you in the incubator and saying " Wow, thats my baby." I had waited for you for so long and couldnt believe you were finally here. Regardless of the circumstances that got you here that day. I was sooooo happy to finally see you. Everytime I close my eyes, I see your face and how much you looked like Daddy. I remember your smell and can still feel your touch. I will never forget touching your hand and your grasping my finger. Grandma remembers this also and reminds me often. I will never forget saying your name and you moved immediately. I guess talking to you for those 5 months that you were still inside really paid off. I only wish I could had more time with you. Thank you baby girl for coming into my life and changing it forever.I LOVE YOU, LOVE MOMMY!

Friday, September 07, 2007

5 Months ago today you were born. Around this time at 7:24 p.m I was still waiting to see you for the first time. You had already met everyone else. Daddy, both grandmas, Auntie Ashley, God Mommy Shannon, Grand dad Willie and Uncle Chuckie. I was so jealous because you still had not met the one person who you needed the most, me. I will never forget the joy I felt during this time. I knew your chances of survival was only 20% at only 22 weeks, but still the happiness of finally being a mother after trying for 4 years and waiting for so long was overwhelming. I just knew you would make it. Everyone was so happy to see you. I finally got wheeled in at around 11:30 pm and I immediately cried when seeing you. I called your name "Jaylin" and you started to move. I said "Hi PooPoo" which is the nickname you had heard me call you the entire time i carried you. They turned off the dark light and opened up the incubator and I touched you and I can still feel that touch. As soon as I put my finger in your hand and gently caressed it, you grabbed it and my heart sanked. I couldnt believe I was looking at this child I never thought I would have. I was looking at a dream almost. Like how is this possible that this child was just inside me, then now I am looking at her. Not even 8 hours before I was feeling you move inside me as they had the baby monitor on my belly and you were giving the nurse a hard time but not being still. Then I had no idea that you would be born this day. Jaylin, thank you for sending me a Rainbow on yesterday. I know you were thinking of me. I miss you so much baby girl and I will not let your death be in vain. I will continue to be here for others in this situation and offer support whenever I can. Thank yo so much for showing me on this day 5 months ago what the word LOVE means. I knew it before when I first met daddy. I thought after marrying him I could never love another person, but you changed that. I love you before you were even conceived and loved you even more when I discovered you were coming and now I love you even more for showing me how being a mother brings sacrifice and pain.

Love Always,Mommy

Sunday, September 09, 2007

5 months ago today at 10:27 a.m. we said goodbye. Around this time, I was in my room and all of our family and friends were still with us. Mommy misses you so much Jaylin and I know that you are in heaven watching over daddy and me and making sure we are ok. I just want you to know that me and daddy are doing ok. We are trying to give you a little brother or sister, and hope that you send us just the perfect one. I cant believe you came into my life for just 3 days, yet your spirit lives on within me forever. The pain of loosing you stil has not gone away and I think I will always feel this emptiness in my heart from where your life growing up would have been. I look at other little girls and think what you would have been like at that age, but I know I'll never get the chance to know. I only now hold dear the memories that we shared during the time I carried you and the time we spent with you here. Thank you for forever changing my life that day and showing me what it means to love.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

I loved you so much. I wanted yo so much. As I sit here and think about all the dreams I had for you, it breaks my heart that we will never get to share them. I know things are they way they should be, and that God knows whats best for me, I just never thought after everything I had been through to get you hear, that MY DAUGHTER would be the one that didnt get to stay with me. Jaylin no one knows what loosing you has done to me. I will never be the same again. Everyone is so quick to say we have to move on in our lives and get up everyday and go to work because life goes on and we have to "do what we have to do" but knowing that doesnt change the pain I am in. I still wish I could rewind time and still have you with me. By now you would have been born as you were due on August 7th, but I knew you would come early, but 18 weeks early was not was I had in mind. Is there something I have done to deserve this? Am I being punished for something? I have always considered myself a good person, and loosing my first and only child is not something I should have had to go through. I am trying to keep myself in good spirits but its so hard. I cant stop thinking about you and wish I could see you smile. Yesterday was Sept. 11th, the anniversry of the day the world changed forever. On that day over 2,000 people lost their lives and listening to their families talk about how they missed them so, only breaks me heart. I too know the pain they are experiencing. To listen to one mother talk about her daughter she lost and how she will never get to see her graduate high school, get married and have children was like a knife in my chest. I too am so sad that I will never experience these things with you. I only hold the memories of you. Feeling you move for the first time, finding out you were a girl, which drove your daddy crazy at the thought of raising a little girl, and finally seeing you for the first time. I will try and continue to be strong for you, and ask that you coninute to watch over daddy and me and know we are always thinking about you.


Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Halloween is the first major holiday I will face without you. I never really thought about any of the holidays being hard. I was in Target last week and walkeed pass all the beautiful decorations they had just put out for halloween. I immediately got sad as I saw the most precious infant costumes. I wanted to cry as I thought I would never get to dress you up. I remember thinking in march that I couldnt wait for holiday season. It has always been my favorite time of year, Halloween, Thanksgiving, my Birthday and Christmas. I remember thinking how I couldnt wait for you to take pictures for halloween. I will never get to experience these holidays with you and it breaks my heart. I am started to get nervous about it actually on how I will handle it. I am currently looking for the perfect ornament for the christmas tree already for you. Jaylin mommy misses you terribly. Me and daddy are trying to have a little brother or sister for you, but it has not been easy. Everything we went through trying to be blessed with you, I thought this time that God will give us a break and allow us to do this all on our own, but I guess thats not his plan. I am trying to stay positive and in good spirits, but sometimes I feel like life is so unfair to me. It just seems like everyone get to have what they want, and I just want my turn. When is it going to be my turn to be a mom(to a living child) Being your mom has taught me to love, sacrifice and forgive, eventhough I am still struggling to forgive what happen, I do except it. I just wish I had more memories of you. I appreciate the ones I do have, but I wish there was more pictures and more things to remember other than in the hospital. I wish I didnt feel so cheated out of motherhood and out of pregnancy. I pray my time will come

Missing you Terribly,Mommy

Monday, September 24, 2007

Jaylin my love!I miss you so much. I can't believe its been almost 6 months since I said goodbye to you. I like to think that you are watching over me helping me get through each and everyday. I just wanted to say hi and that I was thinking about you.

Love Mommy!

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

You are 6 months old in heaven today!I can't believe it's been 6 months since you have been gone. 6 months and two days ago you were born. I try and imagine would it would be like if you were here. The things you would be doing llike rolling over, talking and smiling at me. Jaylin I miss you so much and cried just thinking about the things we missed out on. You did give me two signs on Sunday, During the time I was sad and crying I heard a voice whisper "Mommy I'm here" and I immediately felt better. Then later during the day, you sent me a Rainbow and I knew you were ok. Daddy and I are moving forward in trying to give you a little brother or sister and hopefully by this time next month he or she will be on the way. I know I will be pregnant soon and I thank you Jaylin for giving me strength to continue to make my dream of being a mother come true. I ask that you continue to watch over me and give me strength to get through everyday without you

Becoming A Mother !

7 months ago today, my world changed forever. I delivered my beautiful little girl Jaylin by emergency c section at 6:05 a.m. Under normal circumstances a mother would be so happy to have just had their baby. In my case I was scared to death. Jaylin was born at only 22 weeks and 6 days gestation. I went into pre term labor and had no idea that my life would be changing.

Her chances of survival were only 20-25% which I knew upon arriving at the hospital. However, I imagined that the worse that could possibly happen was that I would be put on hospital bedrest, but will still get to keep my precious child. Unfortunately that was not part of God's plan for me. I will never forget the moment I awoke from surgery and discvored that I was no longer pregnant and my daughter was in the NICU fighting for her life. Though it was a bittersweet moment, I will never forget the Joy and happiness I felt. I couldn't believe I was finally a mother. I couldn't believe that just a few feet away was the baby I had dreamed of and wanted for so very long.

Becoming a mother was the best experience I could have gone through. At that moment I did not know what would become of my motherhood at that time and did not know I would be a mother of an angel. I was a MOTHER. Wow what a feeling. I think about how many women feel on the day their child is born and honestly, its a life changing experience. One I hope to experience again.

I am so grateful. Grateful to God for finally allowing me to give birth to my miracle baby. Grateful that I was able to see her move and see her breath. Grateful that I was able to feel her. I am grateful to have held her hand and felt her grasp it oh so tightly.

Becoming a mother is a gift I am so grateful to my daughter for. She taught me what it meant to love someone so much unconditionally under any circumstances. Becoming a mother allows you the opportunity to say there is someone on this earth who soley relies on you for LOVE. Through Jaylin's pain and suffering the one thing I could offer her was LOVE. The one thing she needed the most even in her time of suffering.

Becoming a Mother. Becoming a mothe also teaches you some of the most valuable lessons. It teaches you that as parents we can't always do whats in our best interest. Many parents are guilty of making decisions for their children that are not necessarily in the best interest of the children but what we may think is best. Honestly we have to think about what they would want. Though children are small and vulnerable, the most honest creatures of earth.

For me becoming a monther 7 months ago today, taught me that very same thing. I learned that
being a mother means doing what was best for my daughter. At that time what was best for her was to be given a chance. A chance to survive, a chance to fight for her life. A chance to feel the love that her mommy and daddy had for her. A chance for her to see a lifetimes worth of love and support from family and friends. A chance to finally feel the bond and connection with her mommy that she felt in the womb. A chance to her her mommy say her name and feel the reaction her mommy had to seeing her respond to this.

Becoming a mother has been a life changing experience and Jaylin, mommy thanks you so much for coming into my life and changing it forever. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH JAYLIN MY LOVE.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Daydreaming and Wondering How!!!

I often find myself daydreaming about what things I would be doing had Jaylin been here. What would she be doing right now. She would be a happy healthy 3 month old. I would be looking forward to her first Thanksgiving and her first Christmas. Instead I dream. I dream all the things I will never get to do with her. The things that so many women will be doing with their children. So many women who will be doing this for the first time and have no idea what it feels like to experience the pain I have.

In retrospect, I don't blame them for not feeling what I have felt. Loosing a child, your first child is something I would ever wish on another human being. I can't help but daydream every single day of my life for the rest of my life because it will forever not include her. Its funny, I guess some expect or think that after almost 7 months, I should feel differently. I guess some would say I should be "over it". "Over it" thats definately not a possibility.

Is it actually possible for others to understand exactly what it is that I lost. MY CHILD. She was wanted forever. We tried for her for 4 years. We finally were blessed with her and then it's like God changed his mine for us. I continue to daydream about that day. I will forever remember how fast it all happened. One minute I was listening to her heartbeat , then the next minute I woke up and she was in the NICU. How did this actually happen. I was suppose to have 9 months of a healthy pregnancy not 5 and 1/2. Jaylin should have been born in August 7th not April 7th. She was suppose to live a full life of joy and happiness. Not die just 2 days after birth.

How can I move on. How do I wake up every morning and know that my beautiful little girl can't be here. How can I continue to ignore the fact that my arms just ache to hold her. How can I see other pregnant women and not feel my heart breaking. How can I see other little girls and wonder if she would have looked like at their age. How do I continue through the rest of my life knowing that on April 9th 2007 at 10:27 a.m. MY DAUGHTER took her last breath. The knowlege of this all is almost too much for some to continue with through the rest of their lives.

I continue to pray and ask God for the strength. I need strength to get up everyday. I need strength to go through the rest of my life without her. I need strength to not be angry at myself, angry at my body. I need strength to grasp the fact that INFERTILITY is something I will have to live with. I need strength to understand that I did nothing to cause this. I need strength to grasp the fact that I may never conceive a child on my own. I need strength to grasp the fact that due to my emergency c section to deliver Jaylin, I will never get to have the natural vaginal birth I always wanted. I need stength to grasp the fact that some people can get pregnant easily and I can't.

Love is Pain. Pain is Love. I guess you cant have one without the other. Love is pain in the sense where someone you love caused you pain. Like a husband cheating on you, or your best friend doing something to hurt you. that "love is pain" I understand, but "Love is Pain" I loved my child so much that loosing her caused me so much pain WTF? I dont understand. I loved her so much, her daddy loved her so much. How could this be. We wanted her so much, we dreamed of her so much. Was it all too much?

I still daydream. I still daydream that will I ever get to experience the JOY of motherhood. I experienced that pain of motherhood, the uncertainty of motherhood and the grief that followed. I have gotten pregnant, given birth to my child and say goodbye to my child all in the matter of 6 months. I was not given a lifetime with my daughter. I daydream about how I can put all the things I wanted to say to her in writing. There is a lifetime worth of things I wanted to tell her and how do I get through each day knowing she wont ever get to live them.

I daydream. I daydream about how she would smile. I daydream about the color of her eyes. I daydream about the first time she would call me mommy. I daydream about hearing her say Daddy for the first time. I daydream about her taking her first steps. I daydream about being able to put her to my breast and bond with her (something only her mother can do)

Wondering How. How do I grasp the fact that the pain I am feeling will be there FOREVER. How do I grasp the fact that I loved Jaylin so much but it wasnt enough to keep her here with me. How do I grasp the fact that no matter how much I cry, it wont bring her back. How do I grasp the fact that she will forever carry a place in my heart but I wont get to carry her physically.

Monday, November 5, 2007

When is Enough, Enough!

At what point do you tell yourself, "Enough is Enough" "I can't do this anymore". Almost 7 months after my world was forever changed, I sit here and think. My heart is really heay right now. The pain I feel right now is unbearable. Last week on the day when kids around the world got dressed up in costumes and go from house to house saying "Trick or Treat", I found out I was pregnant. Taking that home pregnancy test and seeing the word PREGNANT was the happiest day of my life. Its funny how that was just 5 days ago and now my heart is broken again. Not even 24 hours after discovering I was pregnant and started to share my news with others, I discovered that the pregnancy would not progess. "Chemical Pregnancy"!!! It was like telling me my daughter was dying all over again.

I once again found myself feeling lost. How could this be? Hadn't I suffered enough when I lost Jaylin? What was it that God was trying to show me? If it was that I am not meant to have children and be a mother, then I wish he would just tell me. Therefore, I can stop trying and do whatever I have to do to get through the rest of my life without them. Here I was again in a category of a failed pregnancy that I never knew I would fall into. It was the 2nd time I fell into such a thing. Just 7 months ago when I was told that I had Cervical Incompetence and realized what it was, I thought "well how can this happen to me".

Normally, Cervical Incompetence happens to women who have suffered some type of trauma to their cervix from a previous pregnancy, I.E. abortions, surgeries, etc... This had been my first pregnancy after 4 years of infertility and treatments to conceive, then to loose my little girl. Now here I am again, normally chemical pregnancies happen in first pregnancies. I had only 1 day of being really really happy. 1 day where I actually held my stomach and talked to this baby thinking " I would not let loosing my dauhgter keep me from bonding with this baby" I told the baby " You have no idea how much I love you" and yet little did I know it was dying.

When is Enough, Enough! The words from the doctor were "oh its no big deal, these things happen" Well you know what, I am sick of "these things" happening to me. Really what is it that I have done to deserve this. I cried for 2 days, remembering the pain I felt when I lost my daughter on that fateful day April 9, 2007. Why? I immediately wanted to stop. Stop trying, Stop putting myself, my body and my emotions through disappointment. It seems that is all I have been faced with DISAPPOINTMENT. How can I be happy ever again? How can I continue to get up every single day and face the rest of my life having gone through what I have gone through.

The dr advised as everything is ok to try this month, and I am currently starting treatment for yet another hopeful pregnancy. Yet, I wonder should I continue? Should I really put myself through another month of ups and downs. I am sick of taking pills to stimulate ovulation, sick of going back and forth to the dr and having to miss time from work (it makes me look bad), I am sick of ultrasounds to check follicles, sick of blood work to check estrogen levels, progestrone levels, sick of injections, having to get a shot to do something that my body wont do on its own.

It really sucks. I just want to get pregnant just like everybody else. When is Enough, enough. When is the pain enough. I thought going through infertility for 4 years was enough. I thought loosing Jaylin was enough, I thought not being able to get pregnant for 6 months after she died was enough, but I guess it wasnt. So again I say. WHEN IS ENOUGH, ENOUGH!!!