Friday, November 9, 2007


Today 7 months ago my world changed forever. Today I said goodbye to my miracle. I can't believe that 7 months have gone by and it feels like just yesterday we were saying our last goodbye. It's 9:34 a.m. and at this tme on this day months ago, I saw you for the last time. You were so beautiful. Still kicking and moving allowing many memories to be made. The tears I left on you would not be enough to keep your heart beating.

Today many months ago, my heart was breaking. Seeing you struggle to survive and hearing the constant beeping sound from your montior tell us that your heart rate was continuing to drop. My heart was breaking. I remember being in a daze. In shock, not really aware of what was going on around me. Everyone was there and offered so much support, but none of this is what I wanted. I wanted you to be healthy, I wanted you to be ok.

Today 7 months ago I screamed, I hollered, I became hysterical. How could this have happened. Why did you have to go. I just want you to be here with me and me not be here remember this day that you left me here on earth with empty arms and a broken heart.

Today 7 months ago I saw daddy cry for the first time. To see the pain in his eyes that he felt because mommy was hurting. To see the pain he felt watching his first born child suffer and him not be able to do anything to save her. Watching him kiss you and tell you how much he loved you.

Today I continue to cry for you. Jaylin you went to heaven today and I hope you were welcomed with open arms. You really were so beautiful and there are so many things you accomplished during the 3 days that we spent with you.

You brought mommy and daddy into a new spiritual way in our relationship. The bond we had before you came was strong. After your arrival, our relationship became something neither of us could have ever imagined. We learned that there is nothing on earth that can divide the love we have for each other. We learned that our family and friends deeply care for us and would do anything to bring comfort to our sorrowing hearts. We learned that loosing you meant we had to fill the emptiness you left behind by leaning on each other for support.

In the weeks following your passing, I shut down. The reality of what happened really hit me. I could not be left alone, I cried every second I thouht of you and held on to my favorite winnie the pooh bear. During your last hours there are a couple regrets I have.

I regret not ever holding you. Watching you suffer and seeing you attached to te ventilator and hooked up to so many tubes looked very scary. I did not want to take anything way in the fear that it would cause you more discomfort. To wish and wish that at this moment I was holding you. I regret not taking the blanket home that you lay on those 3 days, to just know that it held you and I didnt keep it hurts me. I regret not being with you at your last moment. Not holding you as you took your last breath and allowing you to be close to my heart again.

I regret not seeing you after you were gone and seeing the peaceful look upon your face that your god mother saw. I regret not being in the room when you were given a bath. Oh how I wish I would have given it to you. Oh how I wish I was there when they came to take you away. Little did I know the process you would go through to finally be at home with me now. I am so blessed to finally have your ashes stuffed in that same winnie the pooh bear that I held, which I still hold that now also holds you and have it sit next to our bed.

I still have so many questions that I will never get answers to. Why was I allowed to experience the death of my child. Why did I have to go into labor early. Why did you have to be born at 22 weeks and not 40 weeks. Why oh Why.

Jaylin I can say that today after 7 months have passed, I can smile again. You send me Rainbows to let me know you are ok. You hold my hand when I cry to let me know you are there. You give me strength to wake up every single day and face another one without you. Yu give me hope that another baby is on the way. You bring me tears when I think of how beautiful you were and what joy and happiness you brought to my life.

Today. Today I am grateful. Grateful for the 22 weeks and 6 days that I carried you. I am grateful for the 3 days I got to spend with you. I am grateful for the lessons you have shown me. That 1 there is life within my womb. 2 I can give birth to a child. 3 that I have cervical incompetence and will need to take so many necessary precautions to bring a healthy baby into the world. 4 I would not know what it means to love someone unconditionally. I mean I loved you from the moment I knew you were coming. The bond we shared for 5 1/2 is one I will treasure for the rest of my life.

No comments: