For some reason today, I found myself thinking about Jaylin's last moments. She took her last breath at 10:27 a.m. I guess because today is Monday. She died on a Monday morning and for the first couple months following, whenver it came around to Monday morning, I would remember. I remember seeing my bff and her godmoher, crying after just coming from seeing her. I think back on this day and just wished I had went back to see her after she had already died.
I would give anything to have that moment back again. Time has definately moved forward and I continue to struggle behind it. This year is coming to an end and all I can do is hope for better things for next year. Time has moved along and so has the world, but my heart continues to stay in the pain. I know everything I am experiencing right now will make me a much more stronger person, and I know I will look back at all the pain I have gone through and realize that it was all part of what God is trying to show me.
I miss Jaylin so much and am really wishing she was here. I find myself looking at her picture in my wallet a lot lately. I'm wondering is it because its the time of year where I got pregnant with her. Saturday marks the day one year ago that I found out I was pregnant with her. I will never forget going to the ER because of a pain I was feeling. Not knowing I was feeling the pain that resulted from implantation.
Oh what I wouldn't give to go back in time and start all over again relive every moment of my first pregnancy. I know God will bless us again to be pregnant and give birth to a healthy baby. I just feel so left out when I see pregnant people. I look around and see some of my closest friends with mulitple children. All whom have been born since I have been with my husband. I saw one of my good friends on yesterday and she is almost 7 months pregnant with baby number 3. I can still remember when she didn't have any children.
I try to take solace in the fact that things will work out for us when they are supposed to. I guess the hardest part is knowing that it's not suppose to work out when I want it to, but when God's wants it to. I will continue to pray and ask God for strength as this journey is still so difficult and long. I have been on it for almost 5 years now, and the minute I was halfway there, halfway through the pain and reaching happiness finally. It was taken away and my heart was broken in a million pieces. Now I have been fighting the fight to restore the hope I once had. Day by day I am getting stronger and continue to fight this battle. Only now the battle is so much more greater than it used to be. The battle started with infertility. Now the battle I face is infertility, loss and grief.
Stronger is what I actually strive to be. Stronger is what I want my next tattoo to be. Stronger is what I am becoming and what I know my end result will be once I thrived through the pain and accept the reality of what it means to be stronger.