Thursday, November 8, 2007

"The Reality Of My Life"

"Trying so hard to accept the reality of my life". I conitnue to repeat this statement to myself in the hopes that I will finally believe what I am saying. There are many things in life we are in process of doing. Trying to finish school, trying to get through a work week, trying to save money, trying to buy a house, trying to reach many goals we have set for ourselves.

In trying to accomplish such things, what happens with something comes in and interrupts it all? What happens when you wake up one day and dont know what it is that you are trying to do? As I sit here thinking about my life, I am not sure what I want to accomplish. The one thing I have always wanted to accomplish in life that I was certain about was to be married and to be a mother. In between doing these things, I can't really say what it is that I would like to do. There are many things I like doing, but how do you turn them all into one thing.

Three years ago I have managed to accomplish being a wife. April 17, 2004 I married my best friend. What an accomplishment this has been. The love of my life, the person with whom I would live the rest of my life, and its been exaclty what I expected it to be. Along the way for the past 4 1/2 years I have WANTED to bring my dream of becoming a mother a reality. In process of doing so, I discovered there would be obstacles along the way.

How do I accomplish my dream of becoming a mother when the word INFERTILITY exists. How do I accept the fact that there will be no "surprise pregnancy", no "accident" or "slip up". Accomplishing my dream little did I know would be achieved by Specialists, Many Many Many doctors appointments, many test, many procedures, many disappointments, many failed attempts, and so much PAIN.

I've spent the past 4 years in so much pain. There has been a black cloud hanging over my head following me around like a shadow. No one would believe how many days I have cried. No one would understand how many tears I have cried. If I could fill buckets with tears it would honestly be a sea. The magnitude of this pain is undescrible unless you yourself have endured it. So many spend years trying to prevent such a dream, so many have spent hundreds of dollars getting rid of this dream after it is already on the way here. To try and put into words how to describe the feelings that you possibly will not be able to make your dream come true, is a hard one.

"Trying to accept the reality of my life". The reality of my life is that INFERTILITY is part of my life and will be for the rest of my life. To describe to someone what its like, is to describe being disabled. Having a disability is the best way to describe what its like to do everything imagineable to conceive on your own and not be able to . The pain I have endured for the last couple years is one some could never imagine. I myself couldnt have imagined it.The reality of my life is that I my husband and I have been together for 8 years total and 3 1/2 years married and during this process there was never a time where I got pregnant, not once.

The reality of my life is that I am in so much pain. the reality of my life is that I am not happy. I love my husband, our marriage is great, I am happy with him, but HAPPINESS is not how I can honestly describe my life right now. The reality of my life is that I am AFRAID. the reality of my life is consumed with INFERTILITY+ PAIN, JOY+SORROW, HAPPINESS+ SADNESS.

The reality of my life is that I did experience the HAPPINESS that women feel at some point in their lives, if they are lucky. After so many test, PCOS(Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome), not ovulating on my own. More than 8 rounds of CLOMID, many ultrasounds, injections to make my body do what it wasnt doing, I was finally able to repeat the words I'M PREGNANT. Oh what joy. The pain I had endured for so long brought such HAPPINESS. What happens when this happiness is short lived, not once but TWICE now.

The reality of my life is that CERVICAL INCOMPETENCE is now a part of my life. The reality of my life is that my daughter was born 18 weeks sooner than she should have. The reality of my life is that I saw my daughter fight for her life for two days and THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO TO SAVE HER. The reality of my life is that, my daughter took her last breath and the pain I felt could not bring her back.

"Trying to accept the reality of my life". Two months after loosing my daughter my reality become trying again. I mean I had been trying for 4 years, succeeding once, I could not allow loosing her to keep me from achieving my dream of being a mother. I mean it would all for nothing if one day I cant have a healthy child and remember what I went through to get one here. My reality became 4 months of not succeeding and returning to the place that made my dream come true at one point. Once again I found myself with another procedure with the hope that it would end the way my miracle child had come into my life.

My reality then became HAPPINESS yet again. I'M PREGNANT are the words the home pregnancy test read. JOY once more. Thank you were my exact words. Thankful to God for allowing my pain to be subsided. Little did I know my reality would not be the same in 24 hours.
CHEMICAL PREGNANCY were the words the doctor advised me. PAIN became my friend again. Having edured PAIN OF INFERTILITY, JOY OF PREGNANCY(5 1/2 months), GRIEF OF LOSS, PAIN OF INFERTILITY, JOY OF PREGNANCY(24 hours), I found myself back in PAIN.

"Trying to accept the reality of my life". The reality of my life is now I have loss my daughter and had a chemical pregnancy, and now I find myself yet again continuing to try to accomplish my dream of becoming a mother my reality. I find myself yet again getting ready to endure another round of treatment in the hopes of not only a positive home pregnancy test, not only making through the 1st and 2nd trimesters, but the hopes of carrying a pregnancy to term and finally, finally being able to bring home a happy healthy baby and LIVE MY DREAM of being a mother.
"Trying to accept the reality of my life". The reality of my life right now is that there is no reality for me. Right now there is only my dream. My dream of becoming a mother.

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