"Everyday is a new day" is what I often think to myself. This phrase helps me wake up each morning and know that today will be better than yesterday was. I started a gratitude journal in hopes of being able to look at myself and those closes to me and be thankful for them. In doing this, I find myself constantly being grateful for everyday.
I also realize that no matter how much time goes by, I will forever want Jaylin to be here with me. There is not a day that goes by that I dont find myself thinking about her, then take that moment and just reflect on what she meant to me and what she has brought to my life. I find it so funny everytime I say I miss her though. It's like how can I miss someone who I didn't share lots of memories with? I only knew her for the time I carried her, and the time she was born and lived. It's funny the things often feel and think of.
It just goes to show how strong the bond is between a mother and her unborn child. From the moment we discover we are pregnant, our hearts open up to something new. It opens and remains open to receive joy, love, and happiness for this new life growing inside us. I compare this to the same feelings that we have for God our father. We love him, have faith in him, believe in him and feel nothing but joy and happiness for him. But how do we feel such a thing for someone whom we cannot see and have never seen.
As with being pregnant, you can't see you unborn child, but feel them. We don't see God, but we feel him. We feel the unconditional love for our unborn child, as we do for God. The connection between us as a mothers is that as of people with God. I do believe thats what make the pain of loosing such a love so unbearable. Just imagine one day if you woke up and didn't feel the love God has for us. If you woke up one day and suddenly felt alone and in pain and had no idea what it felt like to have God in your life. The thought alone is unthinkable.
It brings me solace to know the unconditional love, joy and happiness that I feel for Jaylin is the same love, joy and happiness that I feel for God and knowing that she is in heaven with him brings a comfort to my heart that is enough to get me through the rest of my life. When the pain is arise, when the sorrow of loosing her seems to rise above me emtionally, I must remember that there is a greater lesson here. I have come to realize that "it's not the things that happen to us in our life that determine who we are", but it's "how we deal with the things that happen in our life that determine who we are". I have come to realize that bad things happen in our life to shape and make us into better people. Just think that if nothing bad ever happened to us in our lives, how would we know how to trust, love, protect and forgive. It is the bad things in our lived that shape the happiness we feel when good things happen.
We were created as people and put here in this world of sin. Being in this world comes with many many lessons to be learned. I dont believe we can go through life without pain and disappointment. But I do believe that how we deal with the pain and disappointment shows what lessons we have learned. I just wonder if the day will ever come when I will wake up and not feel the pain of loosing my baby. I wonder if the day will ever come where I wake up and not want her to be here with me. I wonder if I will ever wake up and not feel my arms ache to hold her.
"Everyday is a new day" is what I will continue to say to myself and know that with each and everyday, things will get better. I will continue to look deep within myself and know that everything happens not for a reason, but happens just as it should, as it is all apart of God's ultimate plan for our lives. Will we know why? maybe not, but we will understand why someday.