I wanted to post my journal entries from the early months after Jaylin passed. In hoping they will continue to inspire me to continue to keep writing and to be able to help others.
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
its been almost 5 months since you have bee gone. Mommy misses you so much. The pain of you leaving is still so hard to bear. I cant believe that you came into my life, then slipped away. Every time I look down at this scar I have, it reminds me of that fateful day. To look at it and know the reason its there is because you were taken away from me. I am in such pain over you not beeing here baby girl. As time moves forward and everyone is still living their lives, I am STILL. Silently I cry, silently I scream. Why Why Why did you have to go.
OUR EYES NEVER MET, BUT OUR HEARTS DID.
I NEVER GOT TO SEE YOU SMILE, BUT MY SOUL DID.
EVENTHOUGH YOU WERE TAKEN AWAY, YOUR LOVE IS WHAT STAYED.
THE CONNECTION WE SHARE IS ONE ONLY WE KNOWI HAVE CRIED MANY OCEANS OF TEARS ASKING, "WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GO.
"WHEN I FIRST SAW YOU, I SAID "OH MY" "OH MY"THATS A DREAM, THATS MY DREAM, I NEEDED A DREAM WHEN IT ALL SEEMED TO GO BAD. THEN I FOUND YOU, NOW I HAVE HAD THE MOST BEAUTIFUL DREAM ANYONES EVERY HAD.YOU WERE MY DREAM, EVERYTHING THAT I NEVER KNEWYOU WERE MY DREAM, WHO COULD BELIEVE IT COULD EVER COME TRUE, YES YOU WERE MY DREAM, IF I COULD BELIEVE, THEN THE WORLD COULD BELIEVE IN MY DREAM TOO.WHEN I FIRST SAW YOU, I SAID "OH MY" "OH MY" THATS A DREAM, THATS MY DREAM, I NEEDED A DREAM TO MAKE ME STRONG, YOU WERE THE ONLY REASON I HAD TO GO ON.
I LOVE YOU JAYLIN,LOVE MOMMY!
Thursday, September 06, 2007
Hi Jaylin, its mommy. Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you. So many people have already signed your guestbook and its not even finished yet. I have been wondering lately, Do you miss me as much as I miss you? Mommy misses you so much. I wish I could hold you as I type this. I never knew I could love someone so much that I never even met. The first time I saw you...I will never forget what I felt at that moment. Looking at you in the incubator and saying " Wow, thats my baby." I had waited for you for so long and couldnt believe you were finally here. Regardless of the circumstances that got you here that day. I was sooooo happy to finally see you. Everytime I close my eyes, I see your face and how much you looked like Daddy. I remember your smell and can still feel your touch. I will never forget touching your hand and your grasping my finger. Grandma remembers this also and reminds me often. I will never forget saying your name and you moved immediately. I guess talking to you for those 5 months that you were still inside really paid off. I only wish I could had more time with you. Thank you baby girl for coming into my life and changing it forever.I LOVE YOU, LOVE MOMMY!
Friday, September 07, 2007
5 Months ago today you were born. Around this time at 7:24 p.m I was still waiting to see you for the first time. You had already met everyone else. Daddy, both grandmas, Auntie Ashley, God Mommy Shannon, Grand dad Willie and Uncle Chuckie. I was so jealous because you still had not met the one person who you needed the most, me. I will never forget the joy I felt during this time. I knew your chances of survival was only 20% at only 22 weeks, but still the happiness of finally being a mother after trying for 4 years and waiting for so long was overwhelming. I just knew you would make it. Everyone was so happy to see you. I finally got wheeled in at around 11:30 pm and I immediately cried when seeing you. I called your name "Jaylin" and you started to move. I said "Hi PooPoo" which is the nickname you had heard me call you the entire time i carried you. They turned off the dark light and opened up the incubator and I touched you and I can still feel that touch. As soon as I put my finger in your hand and gently caressed it, you grabbed it and my heart sanked. I couldnt believe I was looking at this child I never thought I would have. I was looking at a dream almost. Like how is this possible that this child was just inside me, then now I am looking at her. Not even 8 hours before I was feeling you move inside me as they had the baby monitor on my belly and you were giving the nurse a hard time but not being still. Then I had no idea that you would be born this day. Jaylin, thank you for sending me a Rainbow on yesterday. I know you were thinking of me. I miss you so much baby girl and I will not let your death be in vain. I will continue to be here for others in this situation and offer support whenever I can. Thank yo so much for showing me on this day 5 months ago what the word LOVE means. I knew it before when I first met daddy. I thought after marrying him I could never love another person, but you changed that. I love you before you were even conceived and loved you even more when I discovered you were coming and now I love you even more for showing me how being a mother brings sacrifice and pain.
Sunday, September 09, 2007
5 months ago today at 10:27 a.m. we said goodbye. Around this time, I was in my room and all of our family and friends were still with us. Mommy misses you so much Jaylin and I know that you are in heaven watching over daddy and me and making sure we are ok. I just want you to know that me and daddy are doing ok. We are trying to give you a little brother or sister, and hope that you send us just the perfect one. I cant believe you came into my life for just 3 days, yet your spirit lives on within me forever. The pain of loosing you stil has not gone away and I think I will always feel this emptiness in my heart from where your life growing up would have been. I look at other little girls and think what you would have been like at that age, but I know I'll never get the chance to know. I only now hold dear the memories that we shared during the time I carried you and the time we spent with you here. Thank you for forever changing my life that day and showing me what it means to love.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
I loved you so much. I wanted yo so much. As I sit here and think about all the dreams I had for you, it breaks my heart that we will never get to share them. I know things are they way they should be, and that God knows whats best for me, I just never thought after everything I had been through to get you hear, that MY DAUGHTER would be the one that didnt get to stay with me. Jaylin no one knows what loosing you has done to me. I will never be the same again. Everyone is so quick to say we have to move on in our lives and get up everyday and go to work because life goes on and we have to "do what we have to do" but knowing that doesnt change the pain I am in. I still wish I could rewind time and still have you with me. By now you would have been born as you were due on August 7th, but I knew you would come early, but 18 weeks early was not was I had in mind. Is there something I have done to deserve this? Am I being punished for something? I have always considered myself a good person, and loosing my first and only child is not something I should have had to go through. I am trying to keep myself in good spirits but its so hard. I cant stop thinking about you and wish I could see you smile. Yesterday was Sept. 11th, the anniversry of the day the world changed forever. On that day over 2,000 people lost their lives and listening to their families talk about how they missed them so, only breaks me heart. I too know the pain they are experiencing. To listen to one mother talk about her daughter she lost and how she will never get to see her graduate high school, get married and have children was like a knife in my chest. I too am so sad that I will never experience these things with you. I only hold the memories of you. Feeling you move for the first time, finding out you were a girl, which drove your daddy crazy at the thought of raising a little girl, and finally seeing you for the first time. I will try and continue to be strong for you, and ask that you coninute to watch over daddy and me and know we are always thinking about you.
I LOVE YOU,MOMMY
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Halloween is the first major holiday I will face without you. I never really thought about any of the holidays being hard. I was in Target last week and walkeed pass all the beautiful decorations they had just put out for halloween. I immediately got sad as I saw the most precious infant costumes. I wanted to cry as I thought I would never get to dress you up. I remember thinking in march that I couldnt wait for holiday season. It has always been my favorite time of year, Halloween, Thanksgiving, my Birthday and Christmas. I remember thinking how I couldnt wait for you to take pictures for halloween. I will never get to experience these holidays with you and it breaks my heart. I am started to get nervous about it actually on how I will handle it. I am currently looking for the perfect ornament for the christmas tree already for you. Jaylin mommy misses you terribly. Me and daddy are trying to have a little brother or sister for you, but it has not been easy. Everything we went through trying to be blessed with you, I thought this time that God will give us a break and allow us to do this all on our own, but I guess thats not his plan. I am trying to stay positive and in good spirits, but sometimes I feel like life is so unfair to me. It just seems like everyone get to have what they want, and I just want my turn. When is it going to be my turn to be a mom(to a living child) Being your mom has taught me to love, sacrifice and forgive, eventhough I am still struggling to forgive what happen, I do except it. I just wish I had more memories of you. I appreciate the ones I do have, but I wish there was more pictures and more things to remember other than in the hospital. I wish I didnt feel so cheated out of motherhood and out of pregnancy. I pray my time will come
Missing you Terribly,Mommy
Monday, September 24, 2007
Jaylin my love!I miss you so much. I can't believe its been almost 6 months since I said goodbye to you. I like to think that you are watching over me helping me get through each and everyday. I just wanted to say hi and that I was thinking about you.
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
You are 6 months old in heaven today!I can't believe it's been 6 months since you have been gone. 6 months and two days ago you were born. I try and imagine would it would be like if you were here. The things you would be doing llike rolling over, talking and smiling at me. Jaylin I miss you so much and cried just thinking about the things we missed out on. You did give me two signs on Sunday, During the time I was sad and crying I heard a voice whisper "Mommy I'm here" and I immediately felt better. Then later during the day, you sent me a Rainbow and I knew you were ok. Daddy and I are moving forward in trying to give you a little brother or sister and hopefully by this time next month he or she will be on the way. I know I will be pregnant soon and I thank you Jaylin for giving me strength to continue to make my dream of being a mother come true. I ask that you continue to watch over me and give me strength to get through everyday without you