Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Daydreaming and Wondering How!!!

I often find myself daydreaming about what things I would be doing had Jaylin been here. What would she be doing right now. She would be a happy healthy 3 month old. I would be looking forward to her first Thanksgiving and her first Christmas. Instead I dream. I dream all the things I will never get to do with her. The things that so many women will be doing with their children. So many women who will be doing this for the first time and have no idea what it feels like to experience the pain I have.

In retrospect, I don't blame them for not feeling what I have felt. Loosing a child, your first child is something I would ever wish on another human being. I can't help but daydream every single day of my life for the rest of my life because it will forever not include her. Its funny, I guess some expect or think that after almost 7 months, I should feel differently. I guess some would say I should be "over it". "Over it" thats definately not a possibility.

Is it actually possible for others to understand exactly what it is that I lost. MY CHILD. She was wanted forever. We tried for her for 4 years. We finally were blessed with her and then it's like God changed his mine for us. I continue to daydream about that day. I will forever remember how fast it all happened. One minute I was listening to her heartbeat , then the next minute I woke up and she was in the NICU. How did this actually happen. I was suppose to have 9 months of a healthy pregnancy not 5 and 1/2. Jaylin should have been born in August 7th not April 7th. She was suppose to live a full life of joy and happiness. Not die just 2 days after birth.

How can I move on. How do I wake up every morning and know that my beautiful little girl can't be here. How can I continue to ignore the fact that my arms just ache to hold her. How can I see other pregnant women and not feel my heart breaking. How can I see other little girls and wonder if she would have looked like at their age. How do I continue through the rest of my life knowing that on April 9th 2007 at 10:27 a.m. MY DAUGHTER took her last breath. The knowlege of this all is almost too much for some to continue with through the rest of their lives.

I continue to pray and ask God for the strength. I need strength to get up everyday. I need strength to go through the rest of my life without her. I need strength to not be angry at myself, angry at my body. I need strength to grasp the fact that INFERTILITY is something I will have to live with. I need strength to understand that I did nothing to cause this. I need strength to grasp the fact that I may never conceive a child on my own. I need strength to grasp the fact that due to my emergency c section to deliver Jaylin, I will never get to have the natural vaginal birth I always wanted. I need stength to grasp the fact that some people can get pregnant easily and I can't.

Love is Pain. Pain is Love. I guess you cant have one without the other. Love is pain in the sense where someone you love caused you pain. Like a husband cheating on you, or your best friend doing something to hurt you. that "love is pain" I understand, but "Love is Pain" I loved my child so much that loosing her caused me so much pain WTF? I dont understand. I loved her so much, her daddy loved her so much. How could this be. We wanted her so much, we dreamed of her so much. Was it all too much?

I still daydream. I still daydream that will I ever get to experience the JOY of motherhood. I experienced that pain of motherhood, the uncertainty of motherhood and the grief that followed. I have gotten pregnant, given birth to my child and say goodbye to my child all in the matter of 6 months. I was not given a lifetime with my daughter. I daydream about how I can put all the things I wanted to say to her in writing. There is a lifetime worth of things I wanted to tell her and how do I get through each day knowing she wont ever get to live them.

I daydream. I daydream about how she would smile. I daydream about the color of her eyes. I daydream about the first time she would call me mommy. I daydream about hearing her say Daddy for the first time. I daydream about her taking her first steps. I daydream about being able to put her to my breast and bond with her (something only her mother can do)

Wondering How. How do I grasp the fact that the pain I am feeling will be there FOREVER. How do I grasp the fact that I loved Jaylin so much but it wasnt enough to keep her here with me. How do I grasp the fact that no matter how much I cry, it wont bring her back. How do I grasp the fact that she will forever carry a place in my heart but I wont get to carry her physically.

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