I can't believe it's been almost 8 months since I have been pregnant and had Jaylin. It seems like only yesterday my world changed forever. Time really does fly by without you even realizing it. For many many years now I have dealt with pain and suffering through my journey of infertility, and right now on my so called "time out" from all of it, this feeling is all to familar. Every year that we would try month after month and nothing would happen, I would get fustrated and just give up and not want to try anymore. I got so tired of going through each month and no period but still trying and hoping that God would grant me a miracle.
Looking back, I had no idea when I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, that it meant I would have trouble getting pregnant. I knew it meant it caused a hormonal imbalance in my body that prevented me from ovulating, but I had no idea the magnitude of how it would affect me. I continued to try month after month just praying for a miracle. None came and eventually my hope was gone. Through it all my husband continued to remind me that "it will happen". Even going through the fertility treatments for the first time, I was not sure if I really believed it would work.
So when I discovered I was pregnant, I really couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe that after everything we had been through over the years, we were finally being blessed with our miracle baby. But something changed. What happened? Why did this blessing turn into such a trajedy? I was happy. I thanked God for allowing me the opportunity to be pregnant, so why did all of a sudden it was not meant to be anymore.
I will never forget the events that lead me to write this blog. I continue to replay them over and over in my mind, to remember. I continue to want to remember the pain, for somehow the pain keeps me close to Jaylin. There are still a million things I would do differently had I been given another chance. The events that lead me to write this blog will forever be a part of my life and so will she.
I often find myself jealous. Jealous of other pregnant women. When I see them, oh how I wish it were me. Though I am often envious of pregnant women, I am more envious and jealous of women who are able to conceive and get pregnant on their own without medical interventional. It really pains me that I can't just get pregnant on my own just by looking at my husband. We often jok about how much we love each other and wish that we could conceive our child on our own.
The pain of not being able to do this is almost too unbearable for words. Though I know there are many women who can get pregnant and continue to have multiple miscarriages. Not saying that my situation is even worse than theirs, but being able to get pregnant is by far the greatest blessing. If you can conceive on your own, then you can continue to try God forbid if something happens. But what happens when you go through fertility treatments to get pregnant after trying for so long, then loose your baby at a time during the pregnancy where you would dare expect something to happen, then find yourself back where you started with more fertility treatments to help you concieve again?
Going back to my fertility specialist the second time around brought on so many emotions for me. I couldn't believe I was back at this office where I had just been the previous year. I can't explain the feelings I had when the specialist office called me the day before to find out why I was returning to them so soon (after all the last time they say me I was 7 weeks pregnant). having to tell them what happen and hear how "sorry they were". Knowing that I would have to yet again go through more treatment after giving it a try on our own for 4 months and nothing.
What happens when after undergoing another round of treatment, and for just 24 hours I got to be happy to get a positive pregnancy test. Halloween, October 31st 2007 was another happy day for me in a long time. The digital clear blue easy home pregnancy test."Pregnant" were the words across the screen. I found myself yet again taking a sigh of relief as I couldn't believe I was finally going to be happy and feel life within my womb. It was at that moment in the bathrooom that I placed my hand on belly and said to this new life forthcoming "you have no idea how much I loved you".
This baby would be special. This baby would be the one to show me that God did not forget me. That eventhough he took away my beautiful miracle baby, he did make sure to bless me yet again with another. The emotions that overcame me, I can't seem to put into words. The hopes, the dreams, the things to do differently this time around. I accepted that ok, my lesson was learned when Jaylin died, and now it was my turn to be the mother I had always dreamed of being. Knowing that I was given another chance and yet again, I thanked God.
What happens when just the very next day at the dr office when my hcg levels were checked, and I discover that they are only 5.4 and this pregnancy will not progress. Chemical Pregnancy. What? How could this be. I had just thanked God for this new baby, just prayed and accepted that Jaylin was gone and that I could begin a new with another one. My heart yet again fell into a million pieces. For whatever reason I found myself into a category I could not understand. Most chemical pregnancies happen in first pregnancied and there was no explanation for it.
What could I do? But accept it for what it was and move on. At that moment I just said "you know what, this is bad, but if I could get through loosing Jaylin, then this is ok". On to another month of treatment. Nov. 4, 2007 is when cycle of treatment #3 started and we found ourselves back on this rollercoaster of trying to become parents.
What happens when this month, nothing happens. When the treatment I had so much faith in and helped me conceive and get pregnant twice, stops working. When my body decided to say it didn't want to work any longer and just sort of haulted. Now I found myself in the middle of a month, in the middle of a cycle of treatment that didn't work. I now have an injection of a HCG "trigger shot" sitting in the fridge that I look at every single day and will not get use. So now it sits there looking back at me. Me looking at it as it was my hope for my next pregnancy.
What happens now that the dr wants to sit down and discuss a more aggressive form of treatment. Agressive? In other words more invasive, more expensive, more demanding. What do we do? What do we do when we want to do everything remotely possible to get pregnant. What guarantees do we have that things will work out. How do we know we can afford this again. How do I know I won't loose my job due to too much time away from work for dr appointments.
What happens when my dr appt falls 2 1/2 months away and there is nothing I can do but wait. Wait to even try and attempt to get pregnant. When the rest of the world is continuing to move through their daily lives and I feel stuck. When those I know who are pregnant will continue to grow each and everyday and I pray for happy healthy babies for them, but wish the same for myself.
I know what happens. I take it one day at a time. One hour at a time, one minute at a time. I pray for God to give me the strength to continue to get through the things that have paved the way for me through my journey over the last 4 1/2 years. I look to the future and know that it holds great things for me. I hold dear the things around me i.e. my husband, family and friends. I think about Jaylin and know that she is where she is supposed to be and she was only meant to be here for the time she was and she was chosen to be my daughter to teach me lesson I continue to learn everyday.