I am feeling such peace as a few days ago, I decided to put trying to get pregnant completely out of my mind. I wont be seeing the dr again until february and there is pretty much nothing I can do in the mean time to help my chances of conceiving. Therefore, it feels so much better to just not think about it at all. Since making this decision I have slept so much better in the last couple days, not having to worry about being to the dr at a certain time, doing bloodwork, worrying about what my ultrasound will show.
What will make this journey through the next 2 and a half months sad is seeing other pregnant women and feeling so jealous that its not me. I have been there before. Year after year just yearning to feel life within my womb. Now that I have actually been pregnant, it breaks my heart. I loved every minute of feeling my daughter move inside me. Now I would give anything just to have that again. Whats also sad about it is that I don't remember anything else about being pregnant.
I wish for a miracle to happen while waiting to go to the dr. Maybe God will bless me and allow me to get pregnant on my own. I wont count on it and am not expecting it to happen. I just wish Jaylin was here to celebrate this Thanksgiving with us. I really wish she was here. I still can't believe that my beautiful little girl is gone. So precious, so gentle. She only needed love and thats the one thing I could have promised her for the rest of her life.
I hope she knows how much I loved her and wanted her to be here with me. I am finally starting to understand that this is all a part of God's plan. That no matter what you do, nothing happens until God allows it to happen. Its like eventhough I went through the treatment to get pregnant, loosing my daughter showed me that just because you get pregnant, it doesnt mean you will have a baby. Pregnancy does not always equal a baby.
I have told myself also, that if I do get blessed with another chance to have a baby, I will cherish and be oh so thankful for that rainbow baby that God has allowed to come into my life.That if for some reason that rainbow baby happens to be my only baby, I will be thankful. For whatever reason if I decide to try and get pregnant again and it doesn't work out, I will thank God for allowing me the opportunity to atleast give birth to another child.
I thank him for my angel in heaven who continues to watch over me and give me strength when I feel like I have none. I thank him for allowing me to experience what it is like to be a mother and feel the love a child brings into your life. I thank him for showing me that he is the creator of all things and I can do all things through Christ that strenghtens me.
I pray for strength to make it through this holiday season with HOPE. Hope that the next year will be filled with joy, surprises, and happiness that will come and will show me that the pain I am experiencing now was well worth it.