Friday, March 21, 2008

Happy Easter My Angel

It's Good Friday. Not so good for me though. It's basically a reminder that this sunday is Easter. Last year on this day I was in the hospital 1 day after giving birth to my beautiful little girl. This day I was oh so hopeful that you would survive and be here with me to celebrate this day, but instead I mark the 1 year anniversary of the memory of the days that lead me to start this blog.

Jaylin my love I miss you oh so much. I remember last year I brought you a Easter basket. Its beautiful Jaylin. It's a pink and purple basket with beautiful lace around it. I have pink grass to fill it with and couldn't wait to color eggs for you. I never got decorate it or color eggs for you but I know you would have loved it.

This year I pulled out that same beautiful Easter basket and today, I plan on decorating it with that beautiful pink grass and will color those egss for you and will bring it to grandma's house on Sunday, and I know you will be watching as we hide the eggs and you will be right there with your cousings and family as we enjoy the holiday and try and find all the eggs.

This Easter I will remember you my beautiful little angel, and know that though you are not here physically and the pain I feel is real, I am happy knowing that you are with God, watching over Mommy and Daddy as we continue to move through each and everyday without you, but knowing you will forever be in our hearts.

Monday, March 3, 2008

11 Months, ALmost!

Not a good day. I am feeling really down and in the pit today. Its almost been 11 months since Jaylin has been gone and all I can think about is how unfair it feels. Yesterday we went to ou neighbors daughters 1st birthday party. It was a very nice party, however I couldn't stop thinking about the things I missed out of with Jaylin. She was born just a month before Jaylin was and just looking around at all the little children there similar in age, just broke my heart. I really wish I could share in the joy of experiencing her first birthday and she was here.

Next month is her birthday and it's really important to me to do something special in memory of her. I really want to do the birthday part with a cake and balloon release at one of our local parks. I am just trying to see how we will pull it all together in the middle of getting ready to start fertility tretments and thats going to be about $3000, so I am trying to figure out how to fit both things into the next couple weeks.

Really hoping that today gets better, but right now I am really in the pit. I miss Jaylin so much today and the pain of her not being here is heavy on my heart. The one year mark is coming so soon and I am afraid that all the emotional trauma I went through when everything first happened, is going to resurface and put me back into the place I was before.

the other day I was rethinking the day she died in the hospital and thought about the moment I had to go the NICU to say goodbye to her, and I collapsed. I remember that being the moment I felt my soul leave my body. It took 6-7 months for it return, and now I feel my soul leaving my body again and it really really hurts..