Monday, November 5, 2007

When is Enough, Enough!

At what point do you tell yourself, "Enough is Enough" "I can't do this anymore". Almost 7 months after my world was forever changed, I sit here and think. My heart is really heay right now. The pain I feel right now is unbearable. Last week on the day when kids around the world got dressed up in costumes and go from house to house saying "Trick or Treat", I found out I was pregnant. Taking that home pregnancy test and seeing the word PREGNANT was the happiest day of my life. Its funny how that was just 5 days ago and now my heart is broken again. Not even 24 hours after discovering I was pregnant and started to share my news with others, I discovered that the pregnancy would not progess. "Chemical Pregnancy"!!! It was like telling me my daughter was dying all over again.

I once again found myself feeling lost. How could this be? Hadn't I suffered enough when I lost Jaylin? What was it that God was trying to show me? If it was that I am not meant to have children and be a mother, then I wish he would just tell me. Therefore, I can stop trying and do whatever I have to do to get through the rest of my life without them. Here I was again in a category of a failed pregnancy that I never knew I would fall into. It was the 2nd time I fell into such a thing. Just 7 months ago when I was told that I had Cervical Incompetence and realized what it was, I thought "well how can this happen to me".

Normally, Cervical Incompetence happens to women who have suffered some type of trauma to their cervix from a previous pregnancy, I.E. abortions, surgeries, etc... This had been my first pregnancy after 4 years of infertility and treatments to conceive, then to loose my little girl. Now here I am again, normally chemical pregnancies happen in first pregnancies. I had only 1 day of being really really happy. 1 day where I actually held my stomach and talked to this baby thinking " I would not let loosing my dauhgter keep me from bonding with this baby" I told the baby " You have no idea how much I love you" and yet little did I know it was dying.

When is Enough, Enough! The words from the doctor were "oh its no big deal, these things happen" Well you know what, I am sick of "these things" happening to me. Really what is it that I have done to deserve this. I cried for 2 days, remembering the pain I felt when I lost my daughter on that fateful day April 9, 2007. Why? I immediately wanted to stop. Stop trying, Stop putting myself, my body and my emotions through disappointment. It seems that is all I have been faced with DISAPPOINTMENT. How can I be happy ever again? How can I continue to get up every single day and face the rest of my life having gone through what I have gone through.

The dr advised as everything is ok to try this month, and I am currently starting treatment for yet another hopeful pregnancy. Yet, I wonder should I continue? Should I really put myself through another month of ups and downs. I am sick of taking pills to stimulate ovulation, sick of going back and forth to the dr and having to miss time from work (it makes me look bad), I am sick of ultrasounds to check follicles, sick of blood work to check estrogen levels, progestrone levels, sick of injections, having to get a shot to do something that my body wont do on its own.

It really sucks. I just want to get pregnant just like everybody else. When is Enough, enough. When is the pain enough. I thought going through infertility for 4 years was enough. I thought loosing Jaylin was enough, I thought not being able to get pregnant for 6 months after she died was enough, but I guess it wasnt. So again I say. WHEN IS ENOUGH, ENOUGH!!!

1 comment:

mrsmuelly said...

You are definitely meant to be a mother. I do not know why you have had to go through such awful experiences, but the love you have for Jaylin proves that you are a mother. I pray that this is your month...Jaylin has planned it this way.