Tuesday, October 30, 2007

It's Strange!

Its so strange as I sit here and right this, thinking that I actually had a child. I have a daughter and her name is Jaylin. To remember only almost 7 months ago I was pregnant and awaiting her arrival. I can't believe almost 7 months ago my life changed forever. Its almost like I dreamed the whole thing. As I think about the events that lead me to this blog and where these words are coming from, I daydream. Daydream about what happened and how it all came about. I then say to myself "did that really happen" or "is someone playing a cruel joke on me"

Its strange how God can allow certain things in our life to happen that bring us pain. Loss, something no one ever wants to experience. Whether its the loss of a job, a house, a car, a spouse by divorce, our favorite sweater, or a special letter written by someone we love. Loss is something we never want to experience on any level. The loss of a child is one that no one can ever seem to phathem. Who would ever imagine that the loss of a child could bring such pain.

Loosing my daughter Jaylin is a pain I would have never expected to feel. I would have never imagine that in October 2007 I would be sitting here writing this, at a job I didnt know I would have, or see a refelection of the bracelet on my right arm that says "remembering" in remembering her. October 2007 would be her first Halloween, looking forward to her taking pictures in her first halloween costume and enjoying having a 3 month old. Instead I sit here and write. Write about the love I feel for her and the pain I feel for her not being here. How can I possible put in words days by day the things I wanted to share with her over a lifetime.

The world can be full of such cruel and unfortunate events, and often we want to look at who to blame. Who did we blame for 9/11, who did we blame for Hurrican katrina, The Tsunami and The fires in California. We often look to blame someone that causes us such pain. Who do we blame for the loss of a child, such a pain that is unimagineable. Who should be held responsible for this action. The pain I feel makes me angry, but who do I voice that anger with, God, The Devil, my Dr., My Body, etc... I can go on and on down the list, but the truth is, some may look at all those things and point blame, but in honestly what does this blame do. It wont bring Jaylin back, it wont make the pain of loosing her go away either.

The most difficult thing to do everyday after the death of your child, is learning to get up ever single day with the knowledge that you child died. No matter how you look at the situation. Think about it, if you are a parent, imagine not having one of your children. There is no pain in the world worse then a loss. DEATH, its a topic the world never wants to deal with. Its a subject that often left untalked about. DEATH OF A CHILD in unimagineable. No one wants to believe that babies die and dont often want to discuss the death of a baby, but I am here to say, YES BABIES DO DIE. Mine did. I would have never imagine she would, but she did.

Especially after what I had went through to conceive her. 4 years of hoping, wishing, praying, crying uncontrollably and just not being happy. I was blessed on Dec. 1, 2006 to discover I was pregnant. I was finally able to repeat those words to someone. I had dreamed of doing so for so long, and now it was finally my turn. April 7, 2007 all that changed when Jaylin Renay Thompson came into the world at 6:05 a.m via emergency c section weighing only 1lb an 1/2 oz and only 22 weeks and 6 days (gestation of 5 1/2 months). I will never forget the first moment I saw her. It was if I was looking at a dream I had been having all my life. Through the pain of seeing such a small and fragile child, I felt the joy every mother feels on the day their first child is born. I immediately wanted to protect her, but no longer could. I immediately wanted to hold her, but couldn't.

"The baby is not going to make it" the words no mother should ever have to hear from a dr. Hearing the words from the dr "her kidneys are starting to shut down, and she is starting to have bleeding in her brain" cut like a knife in my heart. A knife pain that I will forever feel for not having my beautiful Jaylin here with me today. At that moment, I knew what would become of that day. On that day I knew, that would be the day my beautiful little girl would no more be a child here on earth, but an angel in heaven. In saying that, Jaylin became my angel on April 9, 2007 at exactly 10:27 a.m. It is at this time every morning I remember that was the moment she took her last breath and feel my heart breaking in a million pieces.

My world was "shattered" on that day. I say shattered in retrospect to "good" and "bad". Bad because its the day I loss my first child. Good because its the day I knew what it meant to love someone unconditionally. I still to this day thank God. For allowing Jaylin to choose me to be her mother. To continue to carry on after such a terrible loss and be able to be here today. "Easy" that word will never exist in my vocabulary again. There is nothing in this life of such. This world is full of pain, loss. anger, fustration. "Hard" is a better word for life. Ever since the day Jaylin died, I have been trying to make since of my life and have come to the conclusion that I can't. How do I make since of a life that does not include her. She was suppose to be my life right now, but instead She is so many other things that I never imagined she would be. She is my DAGUTHER, my ANGEL, my LOVE, my HEART. Thankfully these are all things that I can carry with me for the rest of my life and pray that one day, we can be together again.

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