The definition of pain. Physical, emotional, mental pain. There is no definition to describe the pain of loosing a child. I can't even begin to understand how it is that I am sitting here typing this when I am in so much pain. It started with the pain of infertility. The pain of infertility is great that it is one that you will never soon forget. I thought it was permanently gone from me, but as I sit her still dealing with the pain of loss, I am dealing with the pain of loss and infertility.
How do I combine the two. As I attempted to allow them both to be as they are, I find myself nearly in a state of depression. I try to wake up, not think about it and go about each day, but honestly it's a lie. How could I possibly think that I could block out what my mind is thinking when my heart is feeling the exact same thing.
I'm trying. Trying to remember that things will be better, but do I really believe that? I pray...Constantly to not allow myself to complete go back to that place, but the truth is, I'm there. I don't want to be though. I want to be happy. As far back as I could remember I have always wanted to be happy, but why must the things I want to make me happy, be so hard to come by.
Hopefully, one day soon I could atleast be on my way. I just wish I didn't have to allow myself to be back dealing with infertility yet again, when I have successfully been out of this place. SO is this considered secondary infertility, but no...because secondary infertility is when you have had a successful pregnancy and having trouble conceiving the 2nd time around. SO what do you call it when you spent almost 5 years having trouble conceiving, get pregnant with treatment, loose your baby after a perfect pregnancy due to pre term labor and IC, then have more trouble conceiving for 4 more months, get pregnant again with treatment, have a chemical pregnancy, do treatments again that dont work and sit here 8 months later and still have trouble. I just call it THE PAIN OF INFERTILITY LOSS AND MORE INFERTILITY