Thursday, December 6, 2007

Just Being Angry!

I am just angry at so many things right now. Where do I begin to bring some happiness back into my life. Things are so crazy right now and all I want to do is just go somewhere and never come back. As my birthday and approaches in less than 2 weeks, I can't help but feel time slipping away from me. Sometimes I wish I could have three wishes in this life and have them come true.

I lost my job on yesterday. I knew one day it would catch up with me. Like before, doctors appointments and dealing with this infertility issue caused me to miss a lot of time from work and it came to the point where my employers could no longer accept it. I just hate how this affects my life so much. No one understands just how much of yourself suffers when you are dealing with infertility.

So now I find myself yet again with no job and feeling added stress. I just wish money was something I didnt have to worry about, but it is. Where do I go from here. It seems like the life I have now will make a big change soon. There are a couple things I want to do, but how can I? I want to go back to school so badly, and have discovered that I can do so online, but how can we afford to pay for it now that we only have one income.

I wish I could not worry about going to the doctor to get pregnant and just lean on the hope that it will happen on its own. I have spent too many years just praying and hoping it would happen and it never did. How can I go through the rest of my life and not deal with infertility. I had no idea that this would cause this much inconveinence in my life.

I am just angry at the fact that it seems like my life is going no where and I can't move ahead. I am just angry that there is added strss within my marriage because I now leave the major responsibility with my husband in taking care of all the bills and responsibilities and there is nothing I can contribute. I am just angry at the fact that I have chosen to stay home for awhile that way I can be flexible with my time leaving my mornings open for doctors appointments.

Who knows where this road of infertility will lead me. Will I ever be happy? Will I ever be able to move forward with my life? Will I have to one day except the fact that maybe Jaylin was my only child I would have. I pray she wasn't but who knows. No one understands just how I really feel on the inside. If people only could see my sould and see my inside emotions, someone would desparately want ot save me from myself.

On the outside I look happy. On the outside I look content, on the outside I look like I have everyting together, but on the inside I am dying. I pray everyday. I pray for God to give me the strength to make it through each and everyday. I pray to not let infertility define who I am, but truthfully it does. It defines who I am as a person, and who I am as a woman.

I am just angry at the fact that whenever I see a pregnant person, I ache inside. I am just angry at the fact that when I see babies or little children I feel sad on the inside. But no one knows this. I guess I could say I do a pretty good job of hiding it, but honestly its how I feel. I shouldn't pretend to not feel this way when I do. I am just angry at the fact that 8 months ago, I was pregnant and it was the happiest time of my life but yet I sit here with no baby.

I guess I'm just being angry at the fact that Jaylin is not here and my arms ache to hold her. I guess I am just being angry at the fact that I wish she was here laughing, playing and enjoying her first Christmas but she's not. I guess I am just being angry at the fact that I want to be pregnant again and it hurts that I have been trying and have yet to succeed. I guess I am just being angry that on the 2nd round of treatment I got pregnant and then had a chemical pregnancy. I guess I am just being angry at my body for not responding to this last round of treatment and putting me back at square one with not knowing whats going to happen next......

1 comment:

mrsmuelly said...

You have every right to be angry. I understand! - maybe not the exact situation but very similar. What has happened to you (and continues to) is completely unfair. I know that God has an amazing plan for you and your family...and I pray that He shows it to you soon. Much love, Windy