Monday, December 31, 2007

Going Into A New Year...To Jaylin

Today as 2007 comes to a close and we welcome a new year, I feel sad. It's like I am saying goodbye to you all over again. I can't believe it's been almost 9 months that you have been gone. I still ache to hold you, my beautiful little girl, and my heart still hurts from the pain of you leaving. I have finally put your pictures in a frame and have them out for everyone to see. I have been thinking about you so much lately and can't believe how deep the feelings of pain and grief are at this point.

As I go through the rest of this day and tomorrow brings a new year, I hope. I hope for a better 2008 then 2007 and wonder what surprises the next year will bring. Last year at this time I was 6 weeks pregnant and looking forward to the best year of my life, but things changed. I now am not sure what to look forward to for the next year. I wish to continue to take it one day at a time through my journey of getting through the rest of my life without you.

I still dream about you and in all my dreams, you are alive and doing well, and when I wake up I just want to go back to sleep forever. Sleeping brings me closer to you and I would give anything to have those moments back where you were here and I could feel you and touch you and hold you near. Instead, all I have are memories. Pictures of you that tell me you were here.

It still pains me deeply and I am afraid I will never get to experience the love we shared with another baby. I pray for strength to get through each and everyday. I pray that God will bless us again to become parents to another child, but so far, it's been so hard. I miss you Jaylin, and I know things have to be the way they are, and no matter how much I cry, no matter how much I wish, you will never be here and I must understand that you have to be where you are.

So Happy New Year, my angel, and no that I love you so much and will forever carry you with me, and I look forward to the day when we can be together again.

Love Always,

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