Wednesday, April 9, 2008

1 Year Later.....

Sitting here 1 year later thinking about the pain I feel today and how it all began. I have thought about this day for so long. Envisioned what it would be like once I made it to this point. I woke up this morning and immediately remembered how I got here. This past year has taught me so much, yet has taken so much away from me. At exactly 10:27 a.m. is when you took your last breath and no longer was here with me physically, at that same moment is when our hearts joined together again.

As long as I live, I will never forget this day. The day my world changed forever. Jaylin mommy misses you so much and it still hurts terribly to think of how you are not here with me. I get so jealous to see other little girls and just oh how I wish I could have you here with me. I continue to remain hopeful that the day will come when we will see each other again. I know there was nothing that I could have done to change what happened, and I have replayed this day over and over and oer again, but it continues to end the same.

People will say "oh things will get better" "you'll be ok" "things happen for a reason" well its easy for someone to say when they have never experienced loosing a child. They compare it to loosing a parent, or a sibling or even a pet. Not to say that loosing any loved one is not hard....But this is how I see it. LOOSING A PET IS HARD, LOOSING A SIBLING IS TRAGIC, LOOSING A PARENT IS THE INEVITABLE, BUT LOOSING A CHILD IS UNATURAL.

As I continue to sit here and reflect on how my life has changed so much this past year, I thank you. Forever wil you be my first child, my first unconditional love. Jaylin, no matter how many years shall pass, how many children I shall give birth to, there will never be another one who shares my heart the way you do. For you are very special, which is why God chose you to come forth to only be with me for a short time and return to him to know what it was like to be an angel, to know what it is like to be loved oh so much by so many people.

You have changed my life in ways no one could ever understand. I take is as my responsibility to parent your memory. For parents with children, the get to parent them everyday, celebrate birthdays, create wonderful memories, but I never had that chance. I was given only the memories of carrying you and seeing and touching you for 3 days and for that I am forever grateful.

Bittersweet is what it is today. As I feel myself getting sad and wanting to shed a tear, I remember that you are here holding my hand, telling me is gonna be ok that Someday we'll be together again. The soul I had before you were born is gone forever. I now carry a new soul. One thats connected to you forever. I pray for strength, I pray for continued Faith that one day soon God will ease my pain of loosing you by blessing me with another child.

Though I am hopeful. Hopeful that I will carry another child to term and they will be born healthy and alive. One that will carry your spirit and they will know that they came forth because of you. Thank you my love for blessing my life with your gift of love, thank you for showing me what unconditional love really is. Thank you for bringing Daddy and me closer than we've ever been. Thank you for allowing my heart to be reborn again 1 year later on this day you went to heaven and became my angel.

1 comment:

Holli said...

Beautiful, just beautiful.