Friday, May 16, 2008

Feeling Down

I sit here and feel such pain as I think about the reality of today. Its been 1 year, 1 month and 5 days since Jaylin has been gone and I still sit here with an empty womb. I sometimes wonder am I being punished for something. We were supposed to start the IUI treatment in March, but doing my appointment, the nurse discovered a cyst on my left ovary.

I could not be given medication or anything to help me conceive during March, and was told I could use an OPK at home, but due to my PCOS I probably won't ovulate anyway. WTF?????? I just don't understand sometmes. It seems like 2 out of 3 dr appts are always filled with sadness, disappontmet, anger and fustration. How many times must I leave the dr office crying because of what they have just told me?

I'm asking for strength. To remain sane, to remain hopefull and to continue to struggle through this journey. I know things are not supposed to be easy all the time, but are they supposed to be hard all time? It seems like everyone around me is either pregnant or have given birth to healthy babies. My cyber friends are great and have really been there for me, I feel so left out from them though.

Most of them are either pregnant, or just recently given birth to babies after having lost one. I know it is a bittersweet time for them, but the time for me is all bitter. I often wonder if God's plan is for Jaylin to be my only child. If I'm meant to have children. Would God honestly give someone a desire so strong to want a child, but not actually give them the opportunity to have them. I pray that the day will come one day soon where I am pregnant again, and the pain that fills my heart will lessen and I can really be happy again.


mrsmuelly said...

Please don't feel left out at all. I'm here with to day. It's not easy, but I definitely believe that you will be a mommy to more children. God gave you this desire and will gift you with a child. We don't know His timing, and that's the hard part. I wish you gentle days.

Jaded Girl said...

I'm so sorry for your pain and loss. She was so beautiful, and a fighter. I just lost my second dauther a week ago. It really sucks.

babyhopes7 said...

I am so sorry for your loss, I feel your pain and frustration, I too have a burning desire for another baby, I have a daughter she is 21, I finally found someone I want to have more children with I am not getting any younger and we have been trying for over a year and nothing not even a scare. I feel so sad sometimes I wonder what I have done to be punished in this way. I hear all of these stories of these women who throw babies away like trash, here I am trying everything in the book and I am having no luck. I read something from a lady that said your mind is very powerful thing you need to tell yourself you are pregnant and you will be the power of positive thinking is very strong. I just ovulated over the weekend, I have been trying to stay positive. I hope and pray this time will it happen, I am not sure how many more dissappoinments I can take.