So Excited!

I'm so excited to be at this time of year. I have been waiting for two and a half months to get to this point where we can ttc again with help. My dr visit went pretty good I guess. We didn't get the word we thought we would that IVF would be our only hope, so I am glad about that. We were told that we will be doing IUI which in no way financially compares to Ivf. we including the dr is very optomistic that it will work based on my previous treatment.

The dr reassured me that the chemical pregnancy in October had nothing to do with my body not responding to treatment in November. Right now I am waiting for AF to arrive to start the IUI process. I will be doing daily injections of FSH on days 3-7 and then on day 9 I believe, I will have an ultraound to check follicle growth, whcih is normally the hurdle to cross for us. Then if everything goes according to plan, I will have my hcg trigger shot on the day my follicles are at their appropriate size and then the next TWO mornings following will be the inseminations. The insemination itself cost $474 and ultrasounds are $289 not really sure how much it will be for the injections, but the nurse assured me that she will order the cheapest one.

All in all we will most likely spend about $3000 which is no surprise. I spent $3500 when I conceived Jaylin and couldn't hav been more happy. So AF is due 2/24/08 and the dr advised if she is not here by the 26th to call and come in for bloodwork to see whats going on and the possibility of starting prometrium to bring her own. So I am actually counting down the days.

I also have been doing a lot of thinking about Jaylin's 1st birthday in April and trying to figure out how I want to celebrate. Her birthday falls on a Monday and at first I thought about not going to work, and at first I was not going to do anything special but now that I think about it, why not. Everyone who has living children celebrate their birthdays and get to celebrate with them here on earth and are able to show and express to them how much they love them daily, but I was only given 3 days with my daughter to do so, so instead I will celebrate that she would have been 1 years old and wish her a happy birthday. I have decided that I prefer to be at work that day and will celebrate the Saturday following with a llittle get together with family and friends, have cake and icecrean and a balloon release. I will ask everyone to bring a toy appropriate for a 1 year old that we will donate to charity in remembrance of Jaylin.

I miss her terribly and can't believe I am so close to a year that she was born. I am trying not to think about April 9th as I will always remember it as the day my world was forver changed. The day my soul left my body and did not return for quite a while. I am a litle nervous and have been thinking about paying my counselor a visit. I am afraid that the anniversary will put me back into the pit again and relive everything and I really want to be in a happy place for Jaylin. I would love, love, love to be pregnant by this time as this will only add to the blessings of her birthday. I am forever grateful and thankful that God allowed such a precious child to be a part of my life and I will carry her with me forever.

Feelings

Why do I continue to feel so left out. It seems like everyone around me is pregnant and experiencing the joy of carrying another child. I just want to be part of the group. I found an amazing group of women whom I share the same pain.

Most of them are pregnant again and the sun is beginning to shine again. I just want the storm to be over for me as well. I remain in faith and hope that my time is approaching soon and I continue to believe that GOD does indeed have a plan for me.

10 months ago tomorrow, my beautiful little girl passed away. Oh how the time flies by. It seems like she almost never even existed. I mean I know she was hear, but all kind of feels like a dream. Jaylin continues to be the last thought of my day before I go to sleep.

No matter how tired I am, when I lay down at night, I think of her. I miss her oh so much. The joy mothers must feel to give birth to a child they see and comfort everyday. I feel that same joy to my child, except she is not here. I know GOD has her in his arms and is keeping her safe. I just wish I could hold her near me as well. I feel her though. When my heart gets heavy and the pain is just too much to bear, I feel her. I know she is watching me and she is softly saying to me "Mommy I am here"

I can say that I feel that this year everything will fall into place. I know things are going to be better for me.