October 15th

Its been too long since I have took some time to visit my blog and write. Part of me has been terrified because writing is when I actually have to visit my feelings and allow them to resurface from whatever place, which is a little hard still. Lets see, its been 3 years, 6 months and 5 days since Jaylin has been gone and yet lately it seems like the pain of it all is slowly creeping from out up under my comfort Zone. Jordan is now 19 months and thriving. He is such a joy and such a handful. There are no words to explain the love I feel for him,

Tomorrow October15th National Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day and thinking of everything I've gone through, I say to myself, how did I really get through the last 3 1/2 years. Remembering Jaylin makes me sad still and I'm a little afraid to allow myself to visit the issue because I don't want to go back into that deep dark place. My beautiful little girl. Remembering how precious she was and wishing that everything could have been different but the reality of it all is that things happened the way they were meant to happen. Knowing still that there was nothing I could do to change the situation and have her here. I still look dawn at the scar from my c section which is also a constatnt reminder of what happened. A scar that is forever a part of me as she is. Physically of course she's not here, spiritually I believe she is everywhere around me but if only I could feel her, touch her, see her open her eyes and look directly at mine.

I guess I look at a brighter side that brought my beautiful little boy here. He showed up exactly 2 years after she left and more than likely if she were here, he probably wouldn't be. I look at him and often wonder would she have looked like him or try and compare the two of them and what it would like to have them both here, and honestly thats the way I would rather have it. That emptines is still there, like something or someone is missing. Often think about another baby, definately a little girl and wondering will that void ever be filled with another little girl one day, but at the same time scared that void will always be there and my heart will always feel a little empty inside.

Jaylin my love, mommy still loves and misses you so much. It still hurts me every time I think about what happened and how you were taken before I even got the chance to see your eyes or hear you cry. You came into this world too soon and just as quick as you came, two days later you were gone. No mother should every have to watch her baby die and the rememberance of that day still haunts my thought and dreams as if it were yesterday. Still I question why did you have to leave so soon, why couldnt you be here with me. I am however grateful for the 2nd chance to get to love again with another baby and the love I feel for him is doubled by the love I feel for you and the pain of loosing you draws the love for Jordan even higher.

So today Jaylin, I remember you and say that I will always remember the 22 weeks, 3 days inside of me you grew and then the 3 days you were here physically and allowed me to feel for the first time, MOTHERHOOD! I love you angel, Rest In peace!!!