Still...

I cried myself to sleep last night...
I am not sure why lately the days have been so hard. I think about you every night.
Your my last thought of the day when I lay my head down on my pillow.
They say time heals wounds, but Jaylin lately it seems that time is reopening my wounds.

It's been almost 10 months and I still can't sleep.
I can't believe I still can't sleep as I think about all the things we will never get to do together.
I lay awake at night, every night thinking about you and replaying everything that happened,
hoping that it will change the outcome somehow.

I still think about the day in hospital that you were born, and my first sight of you.
Oh how beautiful you were. I mean I know all mothers say their babies are beautiful, but
My beautiful little girl, you were.
I still think about the day I had to say goodbye to you. Thinking about it every single night still
after 10 months, as if I will wake up in the morning, and it will all be a dream..

I still cry myself to sleep many many nights, because the realization of you not being here is one I still can't believe.
I still feel myself falling. Falling into a million pieces when I think about what you would be like
had you still been here with me.

I still get angry at the thought that I won't get to spend a lifetime with you, but only got to spend three days with you here on earth.
I still remember and cherish the 22 weeks, 6 days that I carried you and just wish oh wish that I could have just that time back again.

My heart still breaks when I look at your pictures, just to know that I once gave birth to something so beautiful that is not here for all to see.
My arms still ache to hold and rock you, to sing to you and feel you close to me

My faith still remains that one day we will get to be together soon, as I often say it to myself.
The song "Someday We'll Be Together" by Diana Ross, plays over and over in my mind as I think about you and can't wait for the day that we will be together again and that day is when my heart will become whole again.

Fustrated but Having Hope!

I guess it's just one of those days. I miss Jaylin so much right now. I am just sad that she is not hear and will never be. I wonder sometimes when will I stop missing her so much, or when will the pain stop cutting like a knife in my heart.

Fustrated at the Fact that I have no control over what happens to my body. I am getting excited about going to the dr in a couple weeks, but fustrated that I am still going through infertility after being a pregnant and ALMOST making it to full term.

I still have hope that it will happen, and that day will come when I finally get to hold a beautiful baby in my arms to love for the rest of my life

9 Months: A Time Frame of Loss!

Usually, 9 months represents the time frame of which God chose women to be pregnant and grow healthy babies. 9 months represents the time frame of carrying a child and giving birth. From the moment we find out we are pregnant we hope, wish for a safe and happy 9 months. This is a time frame that normally is filled with the expectations of knowing that we will then meet the little one whom we have been anxiously awaiting.

Today though is different. Today I woke up to 9 months. Today for me 9 months represents the time that my daughter has been gone. 9 months ago today Jaylin passed away. My beautiful little girl has been gone for the same amount of time I should have carried her. Instead I carried her for 5 1/2 months and it was too soon. I never got to carry her for 9 months, but today I remember and reflect on the 9 months since she has been in heaven.

9 Months Since you have been gone my little Angel

Forever I have been changed by your love
Forver I will know you are in Heaven and now my angel up above
Remembering that today is the day my spirit became silent and brief
Realizing that I must live with the pain, live the sorrow and acknowledge the grief

Jaylin my love, Mommy still longs to hold you near
I still cry and weep with the sadness that you cannot physically be here
Understanding that it is He, God who chose you my little angel to Fly free
But knowing that forever my beautiful little girl you are, Forever my child you will be

On this day, I remember the memories we shared, and things I always will
I will always hold you near to my heart, along with the wanting time to stand still
9 month ago today, we said our goodbye and I let you go in peace
But goodbye did not mean forever because in heaven is where we will meet. (Again)