I am trying to find my way. Everyday begins a new and I try to make it. I am thankful to God for so many things.
I thank him for life, I thank him for Health, I thank him for my wonderful husband. I am thankful to God for allowing me the strength to make it through each and everyday without the other half of my heart Jaylin.
Somtimes I feel like a fish in a tank wanting to get out and away, but dont know my direction. I am trying to find my way. Through this world full of pain and sorrow. I guess thats why we all hope to go to heaven. A place where there is no pain, no suffering, only joy and happiness.
Trying to find my way in a world full of women who are pregnant and will deliver healthy babies. What a wonderful gift from God and I wish every woman in the world who is expecting a baby, the joy of motherhood and a successful healthy pregnancy. In saying that, I wish the same for myself. Trying to find my way through the pain I feel when seeing a pregnant woman and wishing it were me. Why does a pregnant belly have to feel like a sharp pain in my stomach when I see it.
In trying to find my way, I am also trying to figure out which way is my way. Right now I am trying not to cry, trying not to be angry, trying not to breakdwon, trying not to want to wake up tomorrow and face another day without her.
I am trying to find my way. Oh I am trying to find my back to where she and I can be together again.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
"The Reality Of My Life"
"Trying so hard to accept the reality of my life". I conitnue to repeat this statement to myself in the hopes that I will finally believe what I am saying. There are many things in life we are in process of doing. Trying to finish school, trying to get through a work week, trying to save money, trying to buy a house, trying to reach many goals we have set for ourselves.
In trying to accomplish such things, what happens with something comes in and interrupts it all? What happens when you wake up one day and dont know what it is that you are trying to do? As I sit here thinking about my life, I am not sure what I want to accomplish. The one thing I have always wanted to accomplish in life that I was certain about was to be married and to be a mother. In between doing these things, I can't really say what it is that I would like to do. There are many things I like doing, but how do you turn them all into one thing.
Three years ago I have managed to accomplish being a wife. April 17, 2004 I married my best friend. What an accomplishment this has been. The love of my life, the person with whom I would live the rest of my life, and its been exaclty what I expected it to be. Along the way for the past 4 1/2 years I have WANTED to bring my dream of becoming a mother a reality. In process of doing so, I discovered there would be obstacles along the way.
How do I accomplish my dream of becoming a mother when the word INFERTILITY exists. How do I accept the fact that there will be no "surprise pregnancy", no "accident" or "slip up". Accomplishing my dream little did I know would be achieved by Specialists, Many Many Many doctors appointments, many test, many procedures, many disappointments, many failed attempts, and so much PAIN.
I've spent the past 4 years in so much pain. There has been a black cloud hanging over my head following me around like a shadow. No one would believe how many days I have cried. No one would understand how many tears I have cried. If I could fill buckets with tears it would honestly be a sea. The magnitude of this pain is undescrible unless you yourself have endured it. So many spend years trying to prevent such a dream, so many have spent hundreds of dollars getting rid of this dream after it is already on the way here. To try and put into words how to describe the feelings that you possibly will not be able to make your dream come true, is a hard one.
"Trying to accept the reality of my life". The reality of my life is that INFERTILITY is part of my life and will be for the rest of my life. To describe to someone what its like, is to describe being disabled. Having a disability is the best way to describe what its like to do everything imagineable to conceive on your own and not be able to . The pain I have endured for the last couple years is one some could never imagine. I myself couldnt have imagined it.The reality of my life is that I my husband and I have been together for 8 years total and 3 1/2 years married and during this process there was never a time where I got pregnant, not once.
The reality of my life is that I am in so much pain. the reality of my life is that I am not happy. I love my husband, our marriage is great, I am happy with him, but HAPPINESS is not how I can honestly describe my life right now. The reality of my life is that I am AFRAID. the reality of my life is consumed with INFERTILITY+ PAIN, JOY+SORROW, HAPPINESS+ SADNESS.
The reality of my life is that I did experience the HAPPINESS that women feel at some point in their lives, if they are lucky. After so many test, PCOS(Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome), not ovulating on my own. More than 8 rounds of CLOMID, many ultrasounds, injections to make my body do what it wasnt doing, I was finally able to repeat the words I'M PREGNANT. Oh what joy. The pain I had endured for so long brought such HAPPINESS. What happens when this happiness is short lived, not once but TWICE now.
The reality of my life is that CERVICAL INCOMPETENCE is now a part of my life. The reality of my life is that my daughter was born 18 weeks sooner than she should have. The reality of my life is that I saw my daughter fight for her life for two days and THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO TO SAVE HER. The reality of my life is that, my daughter took her last breath and the pain I felt could not bring her back.
"Trying to accept the reality of my life". Two months after loosing my daughter my reality become trying again. I mean I had been trying for 4 years, succeeding once, I could not allow loosing her to keep me from achieving my dream of being a mother. I mean it would all for nothing if one day I cant have a healthy child and remember what I went through to get one here. My reality became 4 months of not succeeding and returning to the place that made my dream come true at one point. Once again I found myself with another procedure with the hope that it would end the way my miracle child had come into my life.
My reality then became HAPPINESS yet again. I'M PREGNANT are the words the home pregnancy test read. JOY once more. Thank you were my exact words. Thankful to God for allowing my pain to be subsided. Little did I know my reality would not be the same in 24 hours.
CHEMICAL PREGNANCY were the words the doctor advised me. PAIN became my friend again. Having edured PAIN OF INFERTILITY, JOY OF PREGNANCY(5 1/2 months), GRIEF OF LOSS, PAIN OF INFERTILITY, JOY OF PREGNANCY(24 hours), I found myself back in PAIN.
"Trying to accept the reality of my life". The reality of my life is now I have loss my daughter and had a chemical pregnancy, and now I find myself yet again continuing to try to accomplish my dream of becoming a mother my reality. I find myself yet again getting ready to endure another round of treatment in the hopes of not only a positive home pregnancy test, not only making through the 1st and 2nd trimesters, but the hopes of carrying a pregnancy to term and finally, finally being able to bring home a happy healthy baby and LIVE MY DREAM of being a mother.
"Trying to accept the reality of my life". The reality of my life right now is that there is no reality for me. Right now there is only my dream. My dream of becoming a mother.
In trying to accomplish such things, what happens with something comes in and interrupts it all? What happens when you wake up one day and dont know what it is that you are trying to do? As I sit here thinking about my life, I am not sure what I want to accomplish. The one thing I have always wanted to accomplish in life that I was certain about was to be married and to be a mother. In between doing these things, I can't really say what it is that I would like to do. There are many things I like doing, but how do you turn them all into one thing.
Three years ago I have managed to accomplish being a wife. April 17, 2004 I married my best friend. What an accomplishment this has been. The love of my life, the person with whom I would live the rest of my life, and its been exaclty what I expected it to be. Along the way for the past 4 1/2 years I have WANTED to bring my dream of becoming a mother a reality. In process of doing so, I discovered there would be obstacles along the way.
How do I accomplish my dream of becoming a mother when the word INFERTILITY exists. How do I accept the fact that there will be no "surprise pregnancy", no "accident" or "slip up". Accomplishing my dream little did I know would be achieved by Specialists, Many Many Many doctors appointments, many test, many procedures, many disappointments, many failed attempts, and so much PAIN.
I've spent the past 4 years in so much pain. There has been a black cloud hanging over my head following me around like a shadow. No one would believe how many days I have cried. No one would understand how many tears I have cried. If I could fill buckets with tears it would honestly be a sea. The magnitude of this pain is undescrible unless you yourself have endured it. So many spend years trying to prevent such a dream, so many have spent hundreds of dollars getting rid of this dream after it is already on the way here. To try and put into words how to describe the feelings that you possibly will not be able to make your dream come true, is a hard one.
"Trying to accept the reality of my life". The reality of my life is that INFERTILITY is part of my life and will be for the rest of my life. To describe to someone what its like, is to describe being disabled. Having a disability is the best way to describe what its like to do everything imagineable to conceive on your own and not be able to . The pain I have endured for the last couple years is one some could never imagine. I myself couldnt have imagined it.The reality of my life is that I my husband and I have been together for 8 years total and 3 1/2 years married and during this process there was never a time where I got pregnant, not once.
The reality of my life is that I am in so much pain. the reality of my life is that I am not happy. I love my husband, our marriage is great, I am happy with him, but HAPPINESS is not how I can honestly describe my life right now. The reality of my life is that I am AFRAID. the reality of my life is consumed with INFERTILITY+ PAIN, JOY+SORROW, HAPPINESS+ SADNESS.
The reality of my life is that I did experience the HAPPINESS that women feel at some point in their lives, if they are lucky. After so many test, PCOS(Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome), not ovulating on my own. More than 8 rounds of CLOMID, many ultrasounds, injections to make my body do what it wasnt doing, I was finally able to repeat the words I'M PREGNANT. Oh what joy. The pain I had endured for so long brought such HAPPINESS. What happens when this happiness is short lived, not once but TWICE now.
The reality of my life is that CERVICAL INCOMPETENCE is now a part of my life. The reality of my life is that my daughter was born 18 weeks sooner than she should have. The reality of my life is that I saw my daughter fight for her life for two days and THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO TO SAVE HER. The reality of my life is that, my daughter took her last breath and the pain I felt could not bring her back.
"Trying to accept the reality of my life". Two months after loosing my daughter my reality become trying again. I mean I had been trying for 4 years, succeeding once, I could not allow loosing her to keep me from achieving my dream of being a mother. I mean it would all for nothing if one day I cant have a healthy child and remember what I went through to get one here. My reality became 4 months of not succeeding and returning to the place that made my dream come true at one point. Once again I found myself with another procedure with the hope that it would end the way my miracle child had come into my life.
My reality then became HAPPINESS yet again. I'M PREGNANT are the words the home pregnancy test read. JOY once more. Thank you were my exact words. Thankful to God for allowing my pain to be subsided. Little did I know my reality would not be the same in 24 hours.
CHEMICAL PREGNANCY were the words the doctor advised me. PAIN became my friend again. Having edured PAIN OF INFERTILITY, JOY OF PREGNANCY(5 1/2 months), GRIEF OF LOSS, PAIN OF INFERTILITY, JOY OF PREGNANCY(24 hours), I found myself back in PAIN.
"Trying to accept the reality of my life". The reality of my life is now I have loss my daughter and had a chemical pregnancy, and now I find myself yet again continuing to try to accomplish my dream of becoming a mother my reality. I find myself yet again getting ready to endure another round of treatment in the hopes of not only a positive home pregnancy test, not only making through the 1st and 2nd trimesters, but the hopes of carrying a pregnancy to term and finally, finally being able to bring home a happy healthy baby and LIVE MY DREAM of being a mother.
"Trying to accept the reality of my life". The reality of my life right now is that there is no reality for me. Right now there is only my dream. My dream of becoming a mother.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Words of Comfort!
I wanted to post the comforting words I have been receiving over the last couple months. Thank you to those of you who visited Jaylin's web page and signed her guestbook. You have no idea how much your words really meant to me. I cherish these very words and will forever hold them dear to me and remember how much they helped me get throgh a very difficult time. Thanks again!
Eboni
Florida
9/4/2007 1:15:29 PM
Hi Jaylin, Its Mommy. Just wanted to let you know I am thinking about you. I love and miss you so much!
Wendy
Pennsylvania
9/4/2007 2:13:25 PM
Eboni - Though your grief and pain are great, your love for Jaylin is by far the greatest of all. I often think of your journey after losing Jaylin, and know that you are strong and will find peace and love as time passes. Take care!
Jen & Angel Danielle
California
9/4/2007 3:53:12 PM
Jaylin, I am one of our mommy's friends from BabyCenter. I know that your mommy loves you very much, and that you are watching over her all the time.
Caren and Angel Brooke
CA
9/4/2007 2:18:38 PM
Eboni - Your wesite is a beautiful tribute to Jaylin. I know she is proud of you. May you find comfort in knowing that our angels only knew love...and that Jaylin only knew of your love for her.
April
mississippi
9/4/2007 5:04:32 PM
I AM THINKING AND PRAYING FOR YOU ALWAYS
Beth and angel Joshua
pa
9/4/2007 7:24:28 PM
Jaylin,sweet precious girl,Shine your love down on your mommy and daddy~They love and miss you oh so much! Eboni~Thank you for sharing Jaylin with all of us at babycenter! Your a wonderful mother! Your family is in my thoughts and prayers! http://joshua-dylan-odonnell.memory-of.com/about.aspx
Liesel
Alberta/Canada
9/4/2007 9:50:40 PM
Jaylin, what a beautiful site your mommy is making for you here. She is such a strong and caring woman and I know you are very proud of her. Maybe you could whisper in Gods ear and send down a little brother or sister for your mommy and daddy real soon.
Kristeen
California
9/4/2007 9:58:26 PM
Dear Eboni, I am so sorry for the loss of you darling Jaylin. I wish we could of met under different circumstances. I pray for you and yours. with much love, Kristeen & Shea Marie
Amy and angel Christian
WI
9/5/2007 11:57:41 AM
Precious girl, you are so loved by your mommy and daddy, and I feel privileged to have heard all about your time that you were here on Earth. Much peace and healing to you Eboni.
Tiffany Rowe
FL / US
9/6/2007 7:37:45 AM
Hi Eb- You, Pooh and Jaylin are always in my prayers. I think the Lord needed a beautiful and sweet person to bring Jaylin into the world so that he could take her for himself. I know it's hard now but He will make it easier by the day. Jaylin has what we all spend our whole lives trying to do, get a seat and everlasting life with our Lord and Saviour. As hard as it maybe to grasp right now, she is an Angel and is smiling down on you. Oneday you will join her and she will tell you of all her thoughts and how grateful she is to you for bringing her into the world so that our Master could take care of her. There is no better caregiver. Love Tiff
LINDA ANDERSON
MILW.,WI /USA
9/8/2007 7:26:34 AM
DEAR EBONI,WHAT A BEAUTIFUL SITE YOU HAVE MADE FOR YOUR SWEET JAYLIN.I KNOW SHE IS VERY PROUD OF HER MOMMY.AND I FEEL SO BLESSED TO KNOW YOU EBONI.I AM SORRY FOR THE WAY WE MET.BUT I AM BLESSED.TAKE GREAT CARE OF YOURSELF MY DEAR GIRL.AND MAY GOD PUT HIS LOVING ARM'S AROUND YOU AND GIVE YOU PEACE.KNOW I WILL NEVER FORGET YOU OR SWEET JAYLIN AS LONG AS I LIVE.FOR YOU BOTH ARE IN MY HEART.AND LET DH KNOW I DO PRAY FOR HIM TOO!GOD'S BLESSINGS BE WITH YOU BOTH ALWAYS. WITH LOVING THOUGHT'S OF YOU LINDA(ANGEL MOM OF 4)
Jana and Angel Carson
Idaho/USA
9/9/2007 12:53:22 PM
What a beautiful website! You are such a beautiful woman. You, your DH, and Jaylin are in my prayers.
Linda Anderson
milw,Wi /usa
9/12/2007 11:20:21 AM
My Dear Eboni,i pray for better days for you honey.Jaylin send mommy a sign from you.I think she could use one right about now.And please ask God to help mommy and daddy to have a baby brother or sister for you.They miss you so much sweetheart.Keep watching over them.Just wanted to talk to you honey.Eboni take care and know i am thinking of you all. With so much love linda
Sharon( 0607Angel)
Atlanta, GA.
9/12/2007 12:12:43 PM
I have been lurking on BBC for about 2 months.I lost my baby boy @16 weeks, also due to IC. Reading your posts, rooting for you to get out of the pit has helped me tremendously.Once I catch up I'll be on the boards again.God Bless you sister!!
Kristie
Pennsylvania
9/12/2007 1:54:54 PM
Eboni you did such a wonderful job on Jaylin's website! I'm sure she is proud!!
Shannypooh
Miami, Florida
9/13/2007 4:27:53 PM
Hi Jaylin, This is your dear godmother. You have certainly brought your mom and dad closer in love, life and relationship. You have actually opened eyes to your family letting us all know that there is a God and blessings do come. Jaylin you will always be in our hearts and in our minds we will forever love you.
Jill ~Haley~ McCorm
Iowa. USA
9/27/2007 2:01:53 PM
Eboni, Your site for Jaylin is beautiful!! Im sure she loves it too! Im very Thankful to have met you! Take care and I think of you often! Jill (from bbc)
Jenn (^Sophie^'s mommy)
Richmond, VA
9/27/2007 1:04:21 PM
Eboni- I love your website!Everyone can see how much you guys love little Jaylin. Your journal entries are so touching and the tattoo is beautiful! I don't think I've ever seen a cuter angel :)
Name
Eboni
Florida
9/4/2007 1:15:29 PM
Hi Jaylin, Its Mommy. Just wanted to let you know I am thinking about you. I love and miss you so much!
Wendy
Pennsylvania
9/4/2007 2:13:25 PM
Eboni - Though your grief and pain are great, your love for Jaylin is by far the greatest of all. I often think of your journey after losing Jaylin, and know that you are strong and will find peace and love as time passes. Take care!
Jen & Angel Danielle
California
9/4/2007 3:53:12 PM
Jaylin, I am one of our mommy's friends from BabyCenter. I know that your mommy loves you very much, and that you are watching over her all the time.
Caren and Angel Brooke
CA
9/4/2007 2:18:38 PM
Eboni - Your wesite is a beautiful tribute to Jaylin. I know she is proud of you. May you find comfort in knowing that our angels only knew love...and that Jaylin only knew of your love for her.
April
mississippi
9/4/2007 5:04:32 PM
I AM THINKING AND PRAYING FOR YOU ALWAYS
Beth and angel Joshua
pa
9/4/2007 7:24:28 PM
Jaylin,sweet precious girl,Shine your love down on your mommy and daddy~They love and miss you oh so much! Eboni~Thank you for sharing Jaylin with all of us at babycenter! Your a wonderful mother! Your family is in my thoughts and prayers! http://joshua-dylan-odonnell.memory-of.com/about.aspx
Liesel
Alberta/Canada
9/4/2007 9:50:40 PM
Jaylin, what a beautiful site your mommy is making for you here. She is such a strong and caring woman and I know you are very proud of her. Maybe you could whisper in Gods ear and send down a little brother or sister for your mommy and daddy real soon.
Kristeen
California
9/4/2007 9:58:26 PM
Dear Eboni, I am so sorry for the loss of you darling Jaylin. I wish we could of met under different circumstances. I pray for you and yours. with much love, Kristeen & Shea Marie
Amy and angel Christian
WI
9/5/2007 11:57:41 AM
Precious girl, you are so loved by your mommy and daddy, and I feel privileged to have heard all about your time that you were here on Earth. Much peace and healing to you Eboni.
Tiffany Rowe
FL / US
9/6/2007 7:37:45 AM
Hi Eb- You, Pooh and Jaylin are always in my prayers. I think the Lord needed a beautiful and sweet person to bring Jaylin into the world so that he could take her for himself. I know it's hard now but He will make it easier by the day. Jaylin has what we all spend our whole lives trying to do, get a seat and everlasting life with our Lord and Saviour. As hard as it maybe to grasp right now, she is an Angel and is smiling down on you. Oneday you will join her and she will tell you of all her thoughts and how grateful she is to you for bringing her into the world so that our Master could take care of her. There is no better caregiver. Love Tiff
LINDA ANDERSON
MILW.,WI /USA
9/8/2007 7:26:34 AM
DEAR EBONI,WHAT A BEAUTIFUL SITE YOU HAVE MADE FOR YOUR SWEET JAYLIN.I KNOW SHE IS VERY PROUD OF HER MOMMY.AND I FEEL SO BLESSED TO KNOW YOU EBONI.I AM SORRY FOR THE WAY WE MET.BUT I AM BLESSED.TAKE GREAT CARE OF YOURSELF MY DEAR GIRL.AND MAY GOD PUT HIS LOVING ARM'S AROUND YOU AND GIVE YOU PEACE.KNOW I WILL NEVER FORGET YOU OR SWEET JAYLIN AS LONG AS I LIVE.FOR YOU BOTH ARE IN MY HEART.AND LET DH KNOW I DO PRAY FOR HIM TOO!GOD'S BLESSINGS BE WITH YOU BOTH ALWAYS. WITH LOVING THOUGHT'S OF YOU LINDA(ANGEL MOM OF 4)
Jana and Angel Carson
Idaho/USA
9/9/2007 12:53:22 PM
What a beautiful website! You are such a beautiful woman. You, your DH, and Jaylin are in my prayers.
Linda Anderson
milw,Wi /usa
9/12/2007 11:20:21 AM
My Dear Eboni,i pray for better days for you honey.Jaylin send mommy a sign from you.I think she could use one right about now.And please ask God to help mommy and daddy to have a baby brother or sister for you.They miss you so much sweetheart.Keep watching over them.Just wanted to talk to you honey.Eboni take care and know i am thinking of you all. With so much love linda
Sharon( 0607Angel)
Atlanta, GA.
9/12/2007 12:12:43 PM
I have been lurking on BBC for about 2 months.I lost my baby boy @16 weeks, also due to IC. Reading your posts, rooting for you to get out of the pit has helped me tremendously.Once I catch up I'll be on the boards again.God Bless you sister!!
Kristie
Pennsylvania
9/12/2007 1:54:54 PM
Eboni you did such a wonderful job on Jaylin's website! I'm sure she is proud!!
Shannypooh
Miami, Florida
9/13/2007 4:27:53 PM
Hi Jaylin, This is your dear godmother. You have certainly brought your mom and dad closer in love, life and relationship. You have actually opened eyes to your family letting us all know that there is a God and blessings do come. Jaylin you will always be in our hearts and in our minds we will forever love you.
Jill ~Haley~ McCorm
Iowa. USA
9/27/2007 2:01:53 PM
Eboni, Your site for Jaylin is beautiful!! Im sure she loves it too! Im very Thankful to have met you! Take care and I think of you often! Jill (from bbc)
Jenn (^Sophie^'s mommy)
Richmond, VA
9/27/2007 1:04:21 PM
Eboni- I love your website!Everyone can see how much you guys love little Jaylin. Your journal entries are so touching and the tattoo is beautiful! I don't think I've ever seen a cuter angel :)
Name
Journal Entries!
I wanted to post my journal entries from the early months after Jaylin passed. In hoping they will continue to inspire me to continue to keep writing and to be able to help others.
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
its been almost 5 months since you have bee gone. Mommy misses you so much. The pain of you leaving is still so hard to bear. I cant believe that you came into my life, then slipped away. Every time I look down at this scar I have, it reminds me of that fateful day. To look at it and know the reason its there is because you were taken away from me. I am in such pain over you not beeing here baby girl. As time moves forward and everyone is still living their lives, I am STILL. Silently I cry, silently I scream. Why Why Why did you have to go.
OUR EYES NEVER MET, BUT OUR HEARTS DID.
I NEVER GOT TO SEE YOU SMILE, BUT MY SOUL DID.
EVENTHOUGH YOU WERE TAKEN AWAY, YOUR LOVE IS WHAT STAYED.
THE CONNECTION WE SHARE IS ONE ONLY WE KNOWI HAVE CRIED MANY OCEANS OF TEARS ASKING, "WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GO.
"WHEN I FIRST SAW YOU, I SAID "OH MY" "OH MY"THATS A DREAM, THATS MY DREAM, I NEEDED A DREAM WHEN IT ALL SEEMED TO GO BAD. THEN I FOUND YOU, NOW I HAVE HAD THE MOST BEAUTIFUL DREAM ANYONES EVERY HAD.YOU WERE MY DREAM, EVERYTHING THAT I NEVER KNEWYOU WERE MY DREAM, WHO COULD BELIEVE IT COULD EVER COME TRUE, YES YOU WERE MY DREAM, IF I COULD BELIEVE, THEN THE WORLD COULD BELIEVE IN MY DREAM TOO.WHEN I FIRST SAW YOU, I SAID "OH MY" "OH MY" THATS A DREAM, THATS MY DREAM, I NEEDED A DREAM TO MAKE ME STRONG, YOU WERE THE ONLY REASON I HAD TO GO ON.
I LOVE YOU JAYLIN,LOVE MOMMY!
Thursday, September 06, 2007
Hi Jaylin, its mommy. Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you. So many people have already signed your guestbook and its not even finished yet. I have been wondering lately, Do you miss me as much as I miss you? Mommy misses you so much. I wish I could hold you as I type this. I never knew I could love someone so much that I never even met. The first time I saw you...I will never forget what I felt at that moment. Looking at you in the incubator and saying " Wow, thats my baby." I had waited for you for so long and couldnt believe you were finally here. Regardless of the circumstances that got you here that day. I was sooooo happy to finally see you. Everytime I close my eyes, I see your face and how much you looked like Daddy. I remember your smell and can still feel your touch. I will never forget touching your hand and your grasping my finger. Grandma remembers this also and reminds me often. I will never forget saying your name and you moved immediately. I guess talking to you for those 5 months that you were still inside really paid off. I only wish I could had more time with you. Thank you baby girl for coming into my life and changing it forever.I LOVE YOU, LOVE MOMMY!
Friday, September 07, 2007
5 Months ago today you were born. Around this time at 7:24 p.m I was still waiting to see you for the first time. You had already met everyone else. Daddy, both grandmas, Auntie Ashley, God Mommy Shannon, Grand dad Willie and Uncle Chuckie. I was so jealous because you still had not met the one person who you needed the most, me. I will never forget the joy I felt during this time. I knew your chances of survival was only 20% at only 22 weeks, but still the happiness of finally being a mother after trying for 4 years and waiting for so long was overwhelming. I just knew you would make it. Everyone was so happy to see you. I finally got wheeled in at around 11:30 pm and I immediately cried when seeing you. I called your name "Jaylin" and you started to move. I said "Hi PooPoo" which is the nickname you had heard me call you the entire time i carried you. They turned off the dark light and opened up the incubator and I touched you and I can still feel that touch. As soon as I put my finger in your hand and gently caressed it, you grabbed it and my heart sanked. I couldnt believe I was looking at this child I never thought I would have. I was looking at a dream almost. Like how is this possible that this child was just inside me, then now I am looking at her. Not even 8 hours before I was feeling you move inside me as they had the baby monitor on my belly and you were giving the nurse a hard time but not being still. Then I had no idea that you would be born this day. Jaylin, thank you for sending me a Rainbow on yesterday. I know you were thinking of me. I miss you so much baby girl and I will not let your death be in vain. I will continue to be here for others in this situation and offer support whenever I can. Thank yo so much for showing me on this day 5 months ago what the word LOVE means. I knew it before when I first met daddy. I thought after marrying him I could never love another person, but you changed that. I love you before you were even conceived and loved you even more when I discovered you were coming and now I love you even more for showing me how being a mother brings sacrifice and pain.
Love Always,Mommy
Sunday, September 09, 2007
5 months ago today at 10:27 a.m. we said goodbye. Around this time, I was in my room and all of our family and friends were still with us. Mommy misses you so much Jaylin and I know that you are in heaven watching over daddy and me and making sure we are ok. I just want you to know that me and daddy are doing ok. We are trying to give you a little brother or sister, and hope that you send us just the perfect one. I cant believe you came into my life for just 3 days, yet your spirit lives on within me forever. The pain of loosing you stil has not gone away and I think I will always feel this emptiness in my heart from where your life growing up would have been. I look at other little girls and think what you would have been like at that age, but I know I'll never get the chance to know. I only now hold dear the memories that we shared during the time I carried you and the time we spent with you here. Thank you for forever changing my life that day and showing me what it means to love.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
I loved you so much. I wanted yo so much. As I sit here and think about all the dreams I had for you, it breaks my heart that we will never get to share them. I know things are they way they should be, and that God knows whats best for me, I just never thought after everything I had been through to get you hear, that MY DAUGHTER would be the one that didnt get to stay with me. Jaylin no one knows what loosing you has done to me. I will never be the same again. Everyone is so quick to say we have to move on in our lives and get up everyday and go to work because life goes on and we have to "do what we have to do" but knowing that doesnt change the pain I am in. I still wish I could rewind time and still have you with me. By now you would have been born as you were due on August 7th, but I knew you would come early, but 18 weeks early was not was I had in mind. Is there something I have done to deserve this? Am I being punished for something? I have always considered myself a good person, and loosing my first and only child is not something I should have had to go through. I am trying to keep myself in good spirits but its so hard. I cant stop thinking about you and wish I could see you smile. Yesterday was Sept. 11th, the anniversry of the day the world changed forever. On that day over 2,000 people lost their lives and listening to their families talk about how they missed them so, only breaks me heart. I too know the pain they are experiencing. To listen to one mother talk about her daughter she lost and how she will never get to see her graduate high school, get married and have children was like a knife in my chest. I too am so sad that I will never experience these things with you. I only hold the memories of you. Feeling you move for the first time, finding out you were a girl, which drove your daddy crazy at the thought of raising a little girl, and finally seeing you for the first time. I will try and continue to be strong for you, and ask that you coninute to watch over daddy and me and know we are always thinking about you.
I LOVE YOU,MOMMY
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Halloween is the first major holiday I will face without you. I never really thought about any of the holidays being hard. I was in Target last week and walkeed pass all the beautiful decorations they had just put out for halloween. I immediately got sad as I saw the most precious infant costumes. I wanted to cry as I thought I would never get to dress you up. I remember thinking in march that I couldnt wait for holiday season. It has always been my favorite time of year, Halloween, Thanksgiving, my Birthday and Christmas. I remember thinking how I couldnt wait for you to take pictures for halloween. I will never get to experience these holidays with you and it breaks my heart. I am started to get nervous about it actually on how I will handle it. I am currently looking for the perfect ornament for the christmas tree already for you. Jaylin mommy misses you terribly. Me and daddy are trying to have a little brother or sister for you, but it has not been easy. Everything we went through trying to be blessed with you, I thought this time that God will give us a break and allow us to do this all on our own, but I guess thats not his plan. I am trying to stay positive and in good spirits, but sometimes I feel like life is so unfair to me. It just seems like everyone get to have what they want, and I just want my turn. When is it going to be my turn to be a mom(to a living child) Being your mom has taught me to love, sacrifice and forgive, eventhough I am still struggling to forgive what happen, I do except it. I just wish I had more memories of you. I appreciate the ones I do have, but I wish there was more pictures and more things to remember other than in the hospital. I wish I didnt feel so cheated out of motherhood and out of pregnancy. I pray my time will come
Missing you Terribly,Mommy
Monday, September 24, 2007
Jaylin my love!I miss you so much. I can't believe its been almost 6 months since I said goodbye to you. I like to think that you are watching over me helping me get through each and everyday. I just wanted to say hi and that I was thinking about you.
Love Mommy!
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
You are 6 months old in heaven today!I can't believe it's been 6 months since you have been gone. 6 months and two days ago you were born. I try and imagine would it would be like if you were here. The things you would be doing llike rolling over, talking and smiling at me. Jaylin I miss you so much and cried just thinking about the things we missed out on. You did give me two signs on Sunday, During the time I was sad and crying I heard a voice whisper "Mommy I'm here" and I immediately felt better. Then later during the day, you sent me a Rainbow and I knew you were ok. Daddy and I are moving forward in trying to give you a little brother or sister and hopefully by this time next month he or she will be on the way. I know I will be pregnant soon and I thank you Jaylin for giving me strength to continue to make my dream of being a mother come true. I ask that you continue to watch over me and give me strength to get through everyday without you
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
its been almost 5 months since you have bee gone. Mommy misses you so much. The pain of you leaving is still so hard to bear. I cant believe that you came into my life, then slipped away. Every time I look down at this scar I have, it reminds me of that fateful day. To look at it and know the reason its there is because you were taken away from me. I am in such pain over you not beeing here baby girl. As time moves forward and everyone is still living their lives, I am STILL. Silently I cry, silently I scream. Why Why Why did you have to go.
OUR EYES NEVER MET, BUT OUR HEARTS DID.
I NEVER GOT TO SEE YOU SMILE, BUT MY SOUL DID.
EVENTHOUGH YOU WERE TAKEN AWAY, YOUR LOVE IS WHAT STAYED.
THE CONNECTION WE SHARE IS ONE ONLY WE KNOWI HAVE CRIED MANY OCEANS OF TEARS ASKING, "WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GO.
"WHEN I FIRST SAW YOU, I SAID "OH MY" "OH MY"THATS A DREAM, THATS MY DREAM, I NEEDED A DREAM WHEN IT ALL SEEMED TO GO BAD. THEN I FOUND YOU, NOW I HAVE HAD THE MOST BEAUTIFUL DREAM ANYONES EVERY HAD.YOU WERE MY DREAM, EVERYTHING THAT I NEVER KNEWYOU WERE MY DREAM, WHO COULD BELIEVE IT COULD EVER COME TRUE, YES YOU WERE MY DREAM, IF I COULD BELIEVE, THEN THE WORLD COULD BELIEVE IN MY DREAM TOO.WHEN I FIRST SAW YOU, I SAID "OH MY" "OH MY" THATS A DREAM, THATS MY DREAM, I NEEDED A DREAM TO MAKE ME STRONG, YOU WERE THE ONLY REASON I HAD TO GO ON.
I LOVE YOU JAYLIN,LOVE MOMMY!
Thursday, September 06, 2007
Hi Jaylin, its mommy. Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you. So many people have already signed your guestbook and its not even finished yet. I have been wondering lately, Do you miss me as much as I miss you? Mommy misses you so much. I wish I could hold you as I type this. I never knew I could love someone so much that I never even met. The first time I saw you...I will never forget what I felt at that moment. Looking at you in the incubator and saying " Wow, thats my baby." I had waited for you for so long and couldnt believe you were finally here. Regardless of the circumstances that got you here that day. I was sooooo happy to finally see you. Everytime I close my eyes, I see your face and how much you looked like Daddy. I remember your smell and can still feel your touch. I will never forget touching your hand and your grasping my finger. Grandma remembers this also and reminds me often. I will never forget saying your name and you moved immediately. I guess talking to you for those 5 months that you were still inside really paid off. I only wish I could had more time with you. Thank you baby girl for coming into my life and changing it forever.I LOVE YOU, LOVE MOMMY!
Friday, September 07, 2007
5 Months ago today you were born. Around this time at 7:24 p.m I was still waiting to see you for the first time. You had already met everyone else. Daddy, both grandmas, Auntie Ashley, God Mommy Shannon, Grand dad Willie and Uncle Chuckie. I was so jealous because you still had not met the one person who you needed the most, me. I will never forget the joy I felt during this time. I knew your chances of survival was only 20% at only 22 weeks, but still the happiness of finally being a mother after trying for 4 years and waiting for so long was overwhelming. I just knew you would make it. Everyone was so happy to see you. I finally got wheeled in at around 11:30 pm and I immediately cried when seeing you. I called your name "Jaylin" and you started to move. I said "Hi PooPoo" which is the nickname you had heard me call you the entire time i carried you. They turned off the dark light and opened up the incubator and I touched you and I can still feel that touch. As soon as I put my finger in your hand and gently caressed it, you grabbed it and my heart sanked. I couldnt believe I was looking at this child I never thought I would have. I was looking at a dream almost. Like how is this possible that this child was just inside me, then now I am looking at her. Not even 8 hours before I was feeling you move inside me as they had the baby monitor on my belly and you were giving the nurse a hard time but not being still. Then I had no idea that you would be born this day. Jaylin, thank you for sending me a Rainbow on yesterday. I know you were thinking of me. I miss you so much baby girl and I will not let your death be in vain. I will continue to be here for others in this situation and offer support whenever I can. Thank yo so much for showing me on this day 5 months ago what the word LOVE means. I knew it before when I first met daddy. I thought after marrying him I could never love another person, but you changed that. I love you before you were even conceived and loved you even more when I discovered you were coming and now I love you even more for showing me how being a mother brings sacrifice and pain.
Love Always,Mommy
Sunday, September 09, 2007
5 months ago today at 10:27 a.m. we said goodbye. Around this time, I was in my room and all of our family and friends were still with us. Mommy misses you so much Jaylin and I know that you are in heaven watching over daddy and me and making sure we are ok. I just want you to know that me and daddy are doing ok. We are trying to give you a little brother or sister, and hope that you send us just the perfect one. I cant believe you came into my life for just 3 days, yet your spirit lives on within me forever. The pain of loosing you stil has not gone away and I think I will always feel this emptiness in my heart from where your life growing up would have been. I look at other little girls and think what you would have been like at that age, but I know I'll never get the chance to know. I only now hold dear the memories that we shared during the time I carried you and the time we spent with you here. Thank you for forever changing my life that day and showing me what it means to love.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
I loved you so much. I wanted yo so much. As I sit here and think about all the dreams I had for you, it breaks my heart that we will never get to share them. I know things are they way they should be, and that God knows whats best for me, I just never thought after everything I had been through to get you hear, that MY DAUGHTER would be the one that didnt get to stay with me. Jaylin no one knows what loosing you has done to me. I will never be the same again. Everyone is so quick to say we have to move on in our lives and get up everyday and go to work because life goes on and we have to "do what we have to do" but knowing that doesnt change the pain I am in. I still wish I could rewind time and still have you with me. By now you would have been born as you were due on August 7th, but I knew you would come early, but 18 weeks early was not was I had in mind. Is there something I have done to deserve this? Am I being punished for something? I have always considered myself a good person, and loosing my first and only child is not something I should have had to go through. I am trying to keep myself in good spirits but its so hard. I cant stop thinking about you and wish I could see you smile. Yesterday was Sept. 11th, the anniversry of the day the world changed forever. On that day over 2,000 people lost their lives and listening to their families talk about how they missed them so, only breaks me heart. I too know the pain they are experiencing. To listen to one mother talk about her daughter she lost and how she will never get to see her graduate high school, get married and have children was like a knife in my chest. I too am so sad that I will never experience these things with you. I only hold the memories of you. Feeling you move for the first time, finding out you were a girl, which drove your daddy crazy at the thought of raising a little girl, and finally seeing you for the first time. I will try and continue to be strong for you, and ask that you coninute to watch over daddy and me and know we are always thinking about you.
I LOVE YOU,MOMMY
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Halloween is the first major holiday I will face without you. I never really thought about any of the holidays being hard. I was in Target last week and walkeed pass all the beautiful decorations they had just put out for halloween. I immediately got sad as I saw the most precious infant costumes. I wanted to cry as I thought I would never get to dress you up. I remember thinking in march that I couldnt wait for holiday season. It has always been my favorite time of year, Halloween, Thanksgiving, my Birthday and Christmas. I remember thinking how I couldnt wait for you to take pictures for halloween. I will never get to experience these holidays with you and it breaks my heart. I am started to get nervous about it actually on how I will handle it. I am currently looking for the perfect ornament for the christmas tree already for you. Jaylin mommy misses you terribly. Me and daddy are trying to have a little brother or sister for you, but it has not been easy. Everything we went through trying to be blessed with you, I thought this time that God will give us a break and allow us to do this all on our own, but I guess thats not his plan. I am trying to stay positive and in good spirits, but sometimes I feel like life is so unfair to me. It just seems like everyone get to have what they want, and I just want my turn. When is it going to be my turn to be a mom(to a living child) Being your mom has taught me to love, sacrifice and forgive, eventhough I am still struggling to forgive what happen, I do except it. I just wish I had more memories of you. I appreciate the ones I do have, but I wish there was more pictures and more things to remember other than in the hospital. I wish I didnt feel so cheated out of motherhood and out of pregnancy. I pray my time will come
Missing you Terribly,Mommy
Monday, September 24, 2007
Jaylin my love!I miss you so much. I can't believe its been almost 6 months since I said goodbye to you. I like to think that you are watching over me helping me get through each and everyday. I just wanted to say hi and that I was thinking about you.
Love Mommy!
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
You are 6 months old in heaven today!I can't believe it's been 6 months since you have been gone. 6 months and two days ago you were born. I try and imagine would it would be like if you were here. The things you would be doing llike rolling over, talking and smiling at me. Jaylin I miss you so much and cried just thinking about the things we missed out on. You did give me two signs on Sunday, During the time I was sad and crying I heard a voice whisper "Mommy I'm here" and I immediately felt better. Then later during the day, you sent me a Rainbow and I knew you were ok. Daddy and I are moving forward in trying to give you a little brother or sister and hopefully by this time next month he or she will be on the way. I know I will be pregnant soon and I thank you Jaylin for giving me strength to continue to make my dream of being a mother come true. I ask that you continue to watch over me and give me strength to get through everyday without you
Becoming A Mother !
7 months ago today, my world changed forever. I delivered my beautiful little girl Jaylin by emergency c section at 6:05 a.m. Under normal circumstances a mother would be so happy to have just had their baby. In my case I was scared to death. Jaylin was born at only 22 weeks and 6 days gestation. I went into pre term labor and had no idea that my life would be changing.
Her chances of survival were only 20-25% which I knew upon arriving at the hospital. However, I imagined that the worse that could possibly happen was that I would be put on hospital bedrest, but will still get to keep my precious child. Unfortunately that was not part of God's plan for me. I will never forget the moment I awoke from surgery and discvored that I was no longer pregnant and my daughter was in the NICU fighting for her life. Though it was a bittersweet moment, I will never forget the Joy and happiness I felt. I couldn't believe I was finally a mother. I couldn't believe that just a few feet away was the baby I had dreamed of and wanted for so very long.
Becoming a mother was the best experience I could have gone through. At that moment I did not know what would become of my motherhood at that time and did not know I would be a mother of an angel. I was a MOTHER. Wow what a feeling. I think about how many women feel on the day their child is born and honestly, its a life changing experience. One I hope to experience again.
I am so grateful. Grateful to God for finally allowing me to give birth to my miracle baby. Grateful that I was able to see her move and see her breath. Grateful that I was able to feel her. I am grateful to have held her hand and felt her grasp it oh so tightly.
Becoming a mother is a gift I am so grateful to my daughter for. She taught me what it meant to love someone so much unconditionally under any circumstances. Becoming a mother allows you the opportunity to say there is someone on this earth who soley relies on you for LOVE. Through Jaylin's pain and suffering the one thing I could offer her was LOVE. The one thing she needed the most even in her time of suffering.
Becoming a Mother. Becoming a mothe also teaches you some of the most valuable lessons. It teaches you that as parents we can't always do whats in our best interest. Many parents are guilty of making decisions for their children that are not necessarily in the best interest of the children but what we may think is best. Honestly we have to think about what they would want. Though children are small and vulnerable, the most honest creatures of earth.
For me becoming a monther 7 months ago today, taught me that very same thing. I learned that
being a mother means doing what was best for my daughter. At that time what was best for her was to be given a chance. A chance to survive, a chance to fight for her life. A chance to feel the love that her mommy and daddy had for her. A chance for her to see a lifetimes worth of love and support from family and friends. A chance to finally feel the bond and connection with her mommy that she felt in the womb. A chance to her her mommy say her name and feel the reaction her mommy had to seeing her respond to this.
Becoming a mother has been a life changing experience and Jaylin, mommy thanks you so much for coming into my life and changing it forever. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH JAYLIN MY LOVE.
Her chances of survival were only 20-25% which I knew upon arriving at the hospital. However, I imagined that the worse that could possibly happen was that I would be put on hospital bedrest, but will still get to keep my precious child. Unfortunately that was not part of God's plan for me. I will never forget the moment I awoke from surgery and discvored that I was no longer pregnant and my daughter was in the NICU fighting for her life. Though it was a bittersweet moment, I will never forget the Joy and happiness I felt. I couldn't believe I was finally a mother. I couldn't believe that just a few feet away was the baby I had dreamed of and wanted for so very long.
Becoming a mother was the best experience I could have gone through. At that moment I did not know what would become of my motherhood at that time and did not know I would be a mother of an angel. I was a MOTHER. Wow what a feeling. I think about how many women feel on the day their child is born and honestly, its a life changing experience. One I hope to experience again.
I am so grateful. Grateful to God for finally allowing me to give birth to my miracle baby. Grateful that I was able to see her move and see her breath. Grateful that I was able to feel her. I am grateful to have held her hand and felt her grasp it oh so tightly.
Becoming a mother is a gift I am so grateful to my daughter for. She taught me what it meant to love someone so much unconditionally under any circumstances. Becoming a mother allows you the opportunity to say there is someone on this earth who soley relies on you for LOVE. Through Jaylin's pain and suffering the one thing I could offer her was LOVE. The one thing she needed the most even in her time of suffering.
Becoming a Mother. Becoming a mothe also teaches you some of the most valuable lessons. It teaches you that as parents we can't always do whats in our best interest. Many parents are guilty of making decisions for their children that are not necessarily in the best interest of the children but what we may think is best. Honestly we have to think about what they would want. Though children are small and vulnerable, the most honest creatures of earth.
For me becoming a monther 7 months ago today, taught me that very same thing. I learned that
being a mother means doing what was best for my daughter. At that time what was best for her was to be given a chance. A chance to survive, a chance to fight for her life. A chance to feel the love that her mommy and daddy had for her. A chance for her to see a lifetimes worth of love and support from family and friends. A chance to finally feel the bond and connection with her mommy that she felt in the womb. A chance to her her mommy say her name and feel the reaction her mommy had to seeing her respond to this.
Becoming a mother has been a life changing experience and Jaylin, mommy thanks you so much for coming into my life and changing it forever. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH JAYLIN MY LOVE.
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Daydreaming and Wondering How!!!
I often find myself daydreaming about what things I would be doing had Jaylin been here. What would she be doing right now. She would be a happy healthy 3 month old. I would be looking forward to her first Thanksgiving and her first Christmas. Instead I dream. I dream all the things I will never get to do with her. The things that so many women will be doing with their children. So many women who will be doing this for the first time and have no idea what it feels like to experience the pain I have.
In retrospect, I don't blame them for not feeling what I have felt. Loosing a child, your first child is something I would ever wish on another human being. I can't help but daydream every single day of my life for the rest of my life because it will forever not include her. Its funny, I guess some expect or think that after almost 7 months, I should feel differently. I guess some would say I should be "over it". "Over it" thats definately not a possibility.
Is it actually possible for others to understand exactly what it is that I lost. MY CHILD. She was wanted forever. We tried for her for 4 years. We finally were blessed with her and then it's like God changed his mine for us. I continue to daydream about that day. I will forever remember how fast it all happened. One minute I was listening to her heartbeat , then the next minute I woke up and she was in the NICU. How did this actually happen. I was suppose to have 9 months of a healthy pregnancy not 5 and 1/2. Jaylin should have been born in August 7th not April 7th. She was suppose to live a full life of joy and happiness. Not die just 2 days after birth.
How can I move on. How do I wake up every morning and know that my beautiful little girl can't be here. How can I continue to ignore the fact that my arms just ache to hold her. How can I see other pregnant women and not feel my heart breaking. How can I see other little girls and wonder if she would have looked like at their age. How do I continue through the rest of my life knowing that on April 9th 2007 at 10:27 a.m. MY DAUGHTER took her last breath. The knowlege of this all is almost too much for some to continue with through the rest of their lives.
I continue to pray and ask God for the strength. I need strength to get up everyday. I need strength to go through the rest of my life without her. I need strength to not be angry at myself, angry at my body. I need strength to grasp the fact that INFERTILITY is something I will have to live with. I need strength to understand that I did nothing to cause this. I need strength to grasp the fact that I may never conceive a child on my own. I need strength to grasp the fact that due to my emergency c section to deliver Jaylin, I will never get to have the natural vaginal birth I always wanted. I need stength to grasp the fact that some people can get pregnant easily and I can't.
Love is Pain. Pain is Love. I guess you cant have one without the other. Love is pain in the sense where someone you love caused you pain. Like a husband cheating on you, or your best friend doing something to hurt you. that "love is pain" I understand, but "Love is Pain" I loved my child so much that loosing her caused me so much pain WTF? I dont understand. I loved her so much, her daddy loved her so much. How could this be. We wanted her so much, we dreamed of her so much. Was it all too much?
I still daydream. I still daydream that will I ever get to experience the JOY of motherhood. I experienced that pain of motherhood, the uncertainty of motherhood and the grief that followed. I have gotten pregnant, given birth to my child and say goodbye to my child all in the matter of 6 months. I was not given a lifetime with my daughter. I daydream about how I can put all the things I wanted to say to her in writing. There is a lifetime worth of things I wanted to tell her and how do I get through each day knowing she wont ever get to live them.
I daydream. I daydream about how she would smile. I daydream about the color of her eyes. I daydream about the first time she would call me mommy. I daydream about hearing her say Daddy for the first time. I daydream about her taking her first steps. I daydream about being able to put her to my breast and bond with her (something only her mother can do)
Wondering How. How do I grasp the fact that the pain I am feeling will be there FOREVER. How do I grasp the fact that I loved Jaylin so much but it wasnt enough to keep her here with me. How do I grasp the fact that no matter how much I cry, it wont bring her back. How do I grasp the fact that she will forever carry a place in my heart but I wont get to carry her physically.
In retrospect, I don't blame them for not feeling what I have felt. Loosing a child, your first child is something I would ever wish on another human being. I can't help but daydream every single day of my life for the rest of my life because it will forever not include her. Its funny, I guess some expect or think that after almost 7 months, I should feel differently. I guess some would say I should be "over it". "Over it" thats definately not a possibility.
Is it actually possible for others to understand exactly what it is that I lost. MY CHILD. She was wanted forever. We tried for her for 4 years. We finally were blessed with her and then it's like God changed his mine for us. I continue to daydream about that day. I will forever remember how fast it all happened. One minute I was listening to her heartbeat , then the next minute I woke up and she was in the NICU. How did this actually happen. I was suppose to have 9 months of a healthy pregnancy not 5 and 1/2. Jaylin should have been born in August 7th not April 7th. She was suppose to live a full life of joy and happiness. Not die just 2 days after birth.
How can I move on. How do I wake up every morning and know that my beautiful little girl can't be here. How can I continue to ignore the fact that my arms just ache to hold her. How can I see other pregnant women and not feel my heart breaking. How can I see other little girls and wonder if she would have looked like at their age. How do I continue through the rest of my life knowing that on April 9th 2007 at 10:27 a.m. MY DAUGHTER took her last breath. The knowlege of this all is almost too much for some to continue with through the rest of their lives.
I continue to pray and ask God for the strength. I need strength to get up everyday. I need strength to go through the rest of my life without her. I need strength to not be angry at myself, angry at my body. I need strength to grasp the fact that INFERTILITY is something I will have to live with. I need strength to understand that I did nothing to cause this. I need strength to grasp the fact that I may never conceive a child on my own. I need strength to grasp the fact that due to my emergency c section to deliver Jaylin, I will never get to have the natural vaginal birth I always wanted. I need stength to grasp the fact that some people can get pregnant easily and I can't.
Love is Pain. Pain is Love. I guess you cant have one without the other. Love is pain in the sense where someone you love caused you pain. Like a husband cheating on you, or your best friend doing something to hurt you. that "love is pain" I understand, but "Love is Pain" I loved my child so much that loosing her caused me so much pain WTF? I dont understand. I loved her so much, her daddy loved her so much. How could this be. We wanted her so much, we dreamed of her so much. Was it all too much?
I still daydream. I still daydream that will I ever get to experience the JOY of motherhood. I experienced that pain of motherhood, the uncertainty of motherhood and the grief that followed. I have gotten pregnant, given birth to my child and say goodbye to my child all in the matter of 6 months. I was not given a lifetime with my daughter. I daydream about how I can put all the things I wanted to say to her in writing. There is a lifetime worth of things I wanted to tell her and how do I get through each day knowing she wont ever get to live them.
I daydream. I daydream about how she would smile. I daydream about the color of her eyes. I daydream about the first time she would call me mommy. I daydream about hearing her say Daddy for the first time. I daydream about her taking her first steps. I daydream about being able to put her to my breast and bond with her (something only her mother can do)
Wondering How. How do I grasp the fact that the pain I am feeling will be there FOREVER. How do I grasp the fact that I loved Jaylin so much but it wasnt enough to keep her here with me. How do I grasp the fact that no matter how much I cry, it wont bring her back. How do I grasp the fact that she will forever carry a place in my heart but I wont get to carry her physically.
Monday, November 5, 2007
When is Enough, Enough!
At what point do you tell yourself, "Enough is Enough" "I can't do this anymore". Almost 7 months after my world was forever changed, I sit here and think. My heart is really heay right now. The pain I feel right now is unbearable. Last week on the day when kids around the world got dressed up in costumes and go from house to house saying "Trick or Treat", I found out I was pregnant. Taking that home pregnancy test and seeing the word PREGNANT was the happiest day of my life. Its funny how that was just 5 days ago and now my heart is broken again. Not even 24 hours after discovering I was pregnant and started to share my news with others, I discovered that the pregnancy would not progess. "Chemical Pregnancy"!!! It was like telling me my daughter was dying all over again.
I once again found myself feeling lost. How could this be? Hadn't I suffered enough when I lost Jaylin? What was it that God was trying to show me? If it was that I am not meant to have children and be a mother, then I wish he would just tell me. Therefore, I can stop trying and do whatever I have to do to get through the rest of my life without them. Here I was again in a category of a failed pregnancy that I never knew I would fall into. It was the 2nd time I fell into such a thing. Just 7 months ago when I was told that I had Cervical Incompetence and realized what it was, I thought "well how can this happen to me".
Normally, Cervical Incompetence happens to women who have suffered some type of trauma to their cervix from a previous pregnancy, I.E. abortions, surgeries, etc... This had been my first pregnancy after 4 years of infertility and treatments to conceive, then to loose my little girl. Now here I am again, normally chemical pregnancies happen in first pregnancies. I had only 1 day of being really really happy. 1 day where I actually held my stomach and talked to this baby thinking " I would not let loosing my dauhgter keep me from bonding with this baby" I told the baby " You have no idea how much I love you" and yet little did I know it was dying.
When is Enough, Enough! The words from the doctor were "oh its no big deal, these things happen" Well you know what, I am sick of "these things" happening to me. Really what is it that I have done to deserve this. I cried for 2 days, remembering the pain I felt when I lost my daughter on that fateful day April 9, 2007. Why? I immediately wanted to stop. Stop trying, Stop putting myself, my body and my emotions through disappointment. It seems that is all I have been faced with DISAPPOINTMENT. How can I be happy ever again? How can I continue to get up every single day and face the rest of my life having gone through what I have gone through.
The dr advised as everything is ok to try this month, and I am currently starting treatment for yet another hopeful pregnancy. Yet, I wonder should I continue? Should I really put myself through another month of ups and downs. I am sick of taking pills to stimulate ovulation, sick of going back and forth to the dr and having to miss time from work (it makes me look bad), I am sick of ultrasounds to check follicles, sick of blood work to check estrogen levels, progestrone levels, sick of injections, having to get a shot to do something that my body wont do on its own.
It really sucks. I just want to get pregnant just like everybody else. When is Enough, enough. When is the pain enough. I thought going through infertility for 4 years was enough. I thought loosing Jaylin was enough, I thought not being able to get pregnant for 6 months after she died was enough, but I guess it wasnt. So again I say. WHEN IS ENOUGH, ENOUGH!!!
I once again found myself feeling lost. How could this be? Hadn't I suffered enough when I lost Jaylin? What was it that God was trying to show me? If it was that I am not meant to have children and be a mother, then I wish he would just tell me. Therefore, I can stop trying and do whatever I have to do to get through the rest of my life without them. Here I was again in a category of a failed pregnancy that I never knew I would fall into. It was the 2nd time I fell into such a thing. Just 7 months ago when I was told that I had Cervical Incompetence and realized what it was, I thought "well how can this happen to me".
Normally, Cervical Incompetence happens to women who have suffered some type of trauma to their cervix from a previous pregnancy, I.E. abortions, surgeries, etc... This had been my first pregnancy after 4 years of infertility and treatments to conceive, then to loose my little girl. Now here I am again, normally chemical pregnancies happen in first pregnancies. I had only 1 day of being really really happy. 1 day where I actually held my stomach and talked to this baby thinking " I would not let loosing my dauhgter keep me from bonding with this baby" I told the baby " You have no idea how much I love you" and yet little did I know it was dying.
When is Enough, Enough! The words from the doctor were "oh its no big deal, these things happen" Well you know what, I am sick of "these things" happening to me. Really what is it that I have done to deserve this. I cried for 2 days, remembering the pain I felt when I lost my daughter on that fateful day April 9, 2007. Why? I immediately wanted to stop. Stop trying, Stop putting myself, my body and my emotions through disappointment. It seems that is all I have been faced with DISAPPOINTMENT. How can I be happy ever again? How can I continue to get up every single day and face the rest of my life having gone through what I have gone through.
The dr advised as everything is ok to try this month, and I am currently starting treatment for yet another hopeful pregnancy. Yet, I wonder should I continue? Should I really put myself through another month of ups and downs. I am sick of taking pills to stimulate ovulation, sick of going back and forth to the dr and having to miss time from work (it makes me look bad), I am sick of ultrasounds to check follicles, sick of blood work to check estrogen levels, progestrone levels, sick of injections, having to get a shot to do something that my body wont do on its own.
It really sucks. I just want to get pregnant just like everybody else. When is Enough, enough. When is the pain enough. I thought going through infertility for 4 years was enough. I thought loosing Jaylin was enough, I thought not being able to get pregnant for 6 months after she died was enough, but I guess it wasnt. So again I say. WHEN IS ENOUGH, ENOUGH!!!
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