Happy Thanksgiving Jaylin!

Happy Thanksgiving Jaylin. I miss you so much my beautiful little girl. I am thankful this Thanksgiving to have been pregnant with you and carried you for 22 weeks and 6 days. I am thankful to have seen the miracle baby you were. I can't believe that I actually saw you alive and moving. Feeling you grab my hand and the touch you gave me was more than I can express in words.

You have a new little cousin who also happens to be named Jaylen, but you probable already knew that. He was born two weeks ago and I thank you for making sure he arrived safe and sound. He is the most handsome little boy I have ever seen. I held him on yesterday and kept thinking how I wish it was you I was holding. My arms still ache for you to fill them. My breast still ache to put you to them. I know its God's plan and his will for you to be with him in heaven.

I know his will was for you to not be here with me and Daddy. For reasons I may never know, I was chosen to be your mom. For reasons I may never know, you were chosen to be here on earth for just 3 days. For reasons I may never know, I was chosen to experience the pain of infertility as I try and make my dream of becoming a mother come true.

Happy Thanksgiving my angel. As I get through this holiday without you, I want you to know that there will be many holidays to come, but none that will not allow me the time to reflect on the memory of you. There will be more happy moments to come into my life I'm sure, but know that as long as I live, you will live. As long as I live, you will be remembered. Its on This Thanksgiving that I am thankful to call myself a mother to an angel in heaven.

I Love You Jaylin,
Love Mommy

Trying To Be Hopeful and Have Faith!

Today,

I am feeling such peace as a few days ago, I decided to put trying to get pregnant completely out of my mind. I wont be seeing the dr again until february and there is pretty much nothing I can do in the mean time to help my chances of conceiving. Therefore, it feels so much better to just not think about it at all. Since making this decision I have slept so much better in the last couple days, not having to worry about being to the dr at a certain time, doing bloodwork, worrying about what my ultrasound will show.

What will make this journey through the next 2 and a half months sad is seeing other pregnant women and feeling so jealous that its not me. I have been there before. Year after year just yearning to feel life within my womb. Now that I have actually been pregnant, it breaks my heart. I loved every minute of feeling my daughter move inside me. Now I would give anything just to have that again. Whats also sad about it is that I don't remember anything else about being pregnant.

I wish for a miracle to happen while waiting to go to the dr. Maybe God will bless me and allow me to get pregnant on my own. I wont count on it and am not expecting it to happen. I just wish Jaylin was here to celebrate this Thanksgiving with us. I really wish she was here. I still can't believe that my beautiful little girl is gone. So precious, so gentle. She only needed love and thats the one thing I could have promised her for the rest of her life.

I hope she knows how much I loved her and wanted her to be here with me. I am finally starting to understand that this is all a part of God's plan. That no matter what you do, nothing happens until God allows it to happen. Its like eventhough I went through the treatment to get pregnant, loosing my daughter showed me that just because you get pregnant, it doesnt mean you will have a baby. Pregnancy does not always equal a baby.

I have told myself also, that if I do get blessed with another chance to have a baby, I will cherish and be oh so thankful for that rainbow baby that God has allowed to come into my life.That if for some reason that rainbow baby happens to be my only baby, I will be thankful. For whatever reason if I decide to try and get pregnant again and it doesn't work out, I will thank God for allowing me the opportunity to atleast give birth to another child.

I thank him for my angel in heaven who continues to watch over me and give me strength when I feel like I have none. I thank him for allowing me to experience what it is like to be a mother and feel the love a child brings into your life. I thank him for showing me that he is the creator of all things and I can do all things through Christ that strenghtens me.

I pray for strength to make it through this holiday season with HOPE. Hope that the next year will be filled with joy, surprises, and happiness that will come and will show me that the pain I am experiencing now was well worth it.

The Waiting Game

Well, my appt was only the beginning of my feeling down. The dr has advised that my body has stopped responding to the treatment. There is no real explanaton except that it happens. We now have to sit down and come up with another plan for treatment. Something more agressive. The thing about this is that my appt is not until February. Which means 3 months of not being pregnant. I really can't believe that this is what I am going through after the year I have had.

I would completely understand this happening on my first cycle of treatment, but I have been pregnant twice, and now my body acts as if it never even happened. I dont even know how I am feel about all this. I am devistated, in pain, want to scream. How am I going to get through this time and not go crazy. It's just so unfair that I have gotten pregnant and lost my daughter halfway through my pregnancy, had a chemical pregnancy after 7 months and now needing aggressive fertility treatments to conceive #3.

I guess its time for me to focus my attention on doing something else. I need to figure out what it is that I need to do to get through this time in a positive light.

Keeping The Faith!

Today back at the doctor's office for the 3rd time in one week. My follicles are still not growing. The largest one measured at 14cm on Tuesday, then the same on Friday. This morning, the largest one continues to remain at 14cm. Friday, the dr advised that now he wants to move on to treatment called "super ovulation". This consists of a higher dose of clomid and injections everyday to produce ovulation. So far my cost has been $2,995.00 I am so afraid that the cost for the next treatment will be too much for us to afford. I hope to hear from the dr today and see if possible to get a round about cost for the treatment for next cycle.

I just can't believe that I am having such a hard time getting pregnant this time around. I could have accepted this all a little better if this were my first cycle of treatment, but I am experiencing such difficulty after having been successfully pregnant for almost 6 months. Its been 7 months since Jaylin passed, and we have been actively trying for 5 months now. I guess this month, it just wasn't meant to be. I am continuing to try and remain strong and remember that this is all a part of God's plan.

Positive Insight!

I pray that everyday continues to bring forth something positive within my life. As I gradually approach the age of 30 in a couple years, I am starting to feel my life changing. I want so much to be happy and now I am in the process of discovering what that means. Its funny how suddenly life begins to take on a whole new meaning. Where do I start? How do I begin? Begin to pick up the pieces of my life to help build the rest of my life.

Currently working as an Office Administrator, its the first job that I have actually had where I like it. At the same time its not fulfilling. Ever since I lost my daughter, my life seems to need more meaning to it. I take it as one of the many lessons she taught me. To be happy and follow whatever dreams I may have. My husband also has a good job and has been stable at that job for many years now, but he also finds it less fulfilling and needing something more meaningful and to his liking.

I wish I could just wake up and everything begins to fall into place. This I know will not come without hard work, determination and sacrifices. I am honestly at the point where I just want to quit my job, but the only thing currently keeping me here is the fact that financially right now I have to be here. Going through this fertility treatment process again has been very costly and my husband is not able to carry the load on his own. He needs me to help him and as his wife, its exactly what I have to do. So basically I am only working to bring in the extra money we really need right now to support ourselves.

I am thinking of my plan of moving forward and it will start once I become pregnant. My concern has always been when I do have a child, I am not to keen on putting them in daycare when maternity leave is up, so my thought is to remain home with them for awhile, maybe 6 months or so. Then start my journey then on getting my life together as far as career wise. This whole process of infertility has completely consumed my life and therefore taken on the more important role, rather than my career. Though I am glad it has happened this way. I couldn't have imagined if I had persued my career first, and put off having children til later, then my infertility issues would have been much greater.

I pray and have faith that becoming pregnant will only be the beginning of many many dreams fulfilled for me and my husband as we continue to embark on this journey of making our dreams of becoming parents come true. It will only be the first step through many more steps of happiness. I dont understand how many people can work at a job that is not satisfying to them. I personally don't see this as being happy. Going to work everyday from 9-5 working for someone else, putting all this time and energy into something that only benefits the company you work for and for what? A paycheck. Well, a paycheck can be earned almost anywhere.

I challenge everyone to fulfill their dreams, if you are working or doing something now that is not allowing you to accomplish the things you want in life, then you need to stop. I challenge everyone to find what it is that makes them happy an do whatever necessary to help them get exactly that. Its only after you have overcome obstacles, made sacrifices and most improtantly worked very hard to reach your goals, that you will be able to look at what you have done and really truly feel complete happiness.

Nervous!

I'm beginning to feel nervous as I get into this week. Tomorrow is my doctors appt on CD 12 to check my follicles to see if they are ready for my HCG injection "the trigger shot". This will be my third cycle of whats called a "mini stim" which is minimal stimulation of ovulation with timed intercourse. The first try worked and I got pregnant which was exactly 1 year ago on Nov. 15th Unfortunately my pregnancy ended at 22 weeks due to pre term labor and my daughter passed away. My husband and I started trying again on our own 2 months later and I made an appt back at the fertility clinic at that time just in case we needed help again. We really hoped that we would be successfull. 4 months went by and nothing, which ended up being in August. Add that to the 4 years we were already going through and it just brings more fustration.

We found ourselves back at square one where we started a year ago in August. Fast forward to October where we yet again started another round of treatment. I was immediately confident that it would work and that we would be happy again soon. October 31st I got the best news of my life "I'm Pregnant" were the words that came across the pregnancy test. I was overjoyed and couldn't believe that I was yet again blessed and on this journey, only this time I was confident that this time I would get to bring home a healthy baby. Never could I have imagined that the outcome would be different.

The next day I found myself back at the dr to do bloodword to confirm the pregnancy only to find out later that day from my nurse that it was a Chemical Pregnancy. The next day I started my period and saw would should have been my new little bundle of joy. DEVISTATION is the exact word to describe what I was feeling at the time. I had no idea that I could possibly experience something like this, but was able to quickly recover as I had been through worse when I loss my daughter. A chemical pregnancy in no way could compare to the loss of my daughter halfway through my pregnancy. I was able to pick myself up, but still feel as though I have loss another child, or similar to having a miscarriage. Eventhough I had never experienced a miscarriage, I compare my chemical pregnancy to exactly that.

The next day following my chemical pregnancy again I was back at the dr office to confirm the chemical pregnancy and to make sure everything was ok to start another round of treatment right away. I was a little relunctant go ahead this month as I was feeling overwhelmed and discourage and really feeling like I wanted to give up. My appt did not go well as I was told I had developed a cyst due to the medication from the treatment, as well as my uterine lining was really really thick, due to it trying to prepare for a pregnancy. The news of this just devistated me even more, but I continued to remain strong and understood I had to continue through this process.

Later that day I would get the go ahead to start treatment. First it was to start clomid for cycle days 3-7 which I have completed. Cycle day 9 was my FSH injection which my husband did for me this past Saturday and now cycle day 12 on tomorrow for my ultrasound to see if I can do my HCG injection which will trigger ovulation. Now if everything works out tomorrow them the following two days is timed intercourse and then on to the dreaded 2 week wait. I am not very optimistic about the appt tomorrow though, because each time I have had my ultrasound on cycle day 12 my follicles are never ready. They have to be atleast 20mm and they normally reach that size on cycle day 14. So tomorrow when the ultrasound tech gives me the news I will try and promise myself to not get upset.

In saying that I probably will still be upset, but its so routine now that I am getting so tired of the whole process. I know this is just part of God's plan for me to go through these obstacles in order to make my dream of becoming a mother my reality. So here I sit and wait. Wait to see if the 3rd time will be the charm and my dream will finally play out the way I have always dreamed it would, with a screaming, beautiful, healthy baby. I wait to see if this will be a very special birthday and christmas for me. I wait to see if my life will be changing.

Today!

Today 7 months ago my world changed forever. Today I said goodbye to my miracle. I can't believe that 7 months have gone by and it feels like just yesterday we were saying our last goodbye. It's 9:34 a.m. and at this tme on this day months ago, I saw you for the last time. You were so beautiful. Still kicking and moving allowing many memories to be made. The tears I left on you would not be enough to keep your heart beating.

Today many months ago, my heart was breaking. Seeing you struggle to survive and hearing the constant beeping sound from your montior tell us that your heart rate was continuing to drop. My heart was breaking. I remember being in a daze. In shock, not really aware of what was going on around me. Everyone was there and offered so much support, but none of this is what I wanted. I wanted you to be healthy, I wanted you to be ok.

Today 7 months ago I screamed, I hollered, I became hysterical. How could this have happened. Why did you have to go. I just want you to be here with me and me not be here remember this day that you left me here on earth with empty arms and a broken heart.

Today 7 months ago I saw daddy cry for the first time. To see the pain in his eyes that he felt because mommy was hurting. To see the pain he felt watching his first born child suffer and him not be able to do anything to save her. Watching him kiss you and tell you how much he loved you.

Today I continue to cry for you. Jaylin you went to heaven today and I hope you were welcomed with open arms. You really were so beautiful and there are so many things you accomplished during the 3 days that we spent with you.

You brought mommy and daddy into a new spiritual way in our relationship. The bond we had before you came was strong. After your arrival, our relationship became something neither of us could have ever imagined. We learned that there is nothing on earth that can divide the love we have for each other. We learned that our family and friends deeply care for us and would do anything to bring comfort to our sorrowing hearts. We learned that loosing you meant we had to fill the emptiness you left behind by leaning on each other for support.

In the weeks following your passing, I shut down. The reality of what happened really hit me. I could not be left alone, I cried every second I thouht of you and held on to my favorite winnie the pooh bear. During your last hours there are a couple regrets I have.

I regret not ever holding you. Watching you suffer and seeing you attached to te ventilator and hooked up to so many tubes looked very scary. I did not want to take anything way in the fear that it would cause you more discomfort. To wish and wish that at this moment I was holding you. I regret not taking the blanket home that you lay on those 3 days, to just know that it held you and I didnt keep it hurts me. I regret not being with you at your last moment. Not holding you as you took your last breath and allowing you to be close to my heart again.

I regret not seeing you after you were gone and seeing the peaceful look upon your face that your god mother saw. I regret not being in the room when you were given a bath. Oh how I wish I would have given it to you. Oh how I wish I was there when they came to take you away. Little did I know the process you would go through to finally be at home with me now. I am so blessed to finally have your ashes stuffed in that same winnie the pooh bear that I held, which I still hold that now also holds you and have it sit next to our bed.

I still have so many questions that I will never get answers to. Why was I allowed to experience the death of my child. Why did I have to go into labor early. Why did you have to be born at 22 weeks and not 40 weeks. Why oh Why.

Jaylin I can say that today after 7 months have passed, I can smile again. You send me Rainbows to let me know you are ok. You hold my hand when I cry to let me know you are there. You give me strength to wake up every single day and face another one without you. Yu give me hope that another baby is on the way. You bring me tears when I think of how beautiful you were and what joy and happiness you brought to my life.

Today. Today I am grateful. Grateful for the 22 weeks and 6 days that I carried you. I am grateful for the 3 days I got to spend with you. I am grateful for the lessons you have shown me. That 1 there is life within my womb. 2 I can give birth to a child. 3 that I have cervical incompetence and will need to take so many necessary precautions to bring a healthy baby into the world. 4 I would not know what it means to love someone unconditionally. I mean I loved you from the moment I knew you were coming. The bond we shared for 5 1/2 is one I will treasure for the rest of my life.